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Transcript[]
[Opening credits roll]
[Arbiter and Chief walk over to the kitchen counter]
ARBITER: We weren't in it enough. Plain and simple.
CHIEF: get r33l plex / u think they watch teh sho 2 lissen to ur whiny ass? im teh sho bb
ARBITER: Good morning, everyone. We were just discussing the somewhat rocky reception of last weeks story episode. By discuss I mean I say something and Chief calls me gay over and over until he gets angry and leaves the room.
CHIEF: teh whoel damn show shud just B meh
ARBITER: [sarcastically] Yeah, you just cussing at the lens for fifteen minutes.
CHIEF: BEST SHO EVAR
[Chief flexes at the camera]
CHIEF: no acshully / teh gun show is still better / :3 [ lion face] / o ya / bang bang bitchez
ARBITER: Let's just move on to the Hypermail... Which is all gonna be from the "family", isn't it folks? I think we opened pandoras box with the last Hypermail episode. Oh, nope. This one's from Saki. "Why don't you guys ever pick my question submissions? Fuck you I'm not watching your stupid show anymore." Sorry about that, Saki. From now on we'll make your mail top priority.
CHIEF: lol not rly / "dear Chief, you're so hot I want you now. We can make arbiter watch. Sincerely Arbiter's dad." hahahaha
ARBITER: Here we go-
CHIEF: no spank u arbiturs dad ur wife n33ds all mai attentions / u can taek ur gross alien dick and fuck urself w/ it lol
[Chief bends over and waves his buttocks at the camera]
ARBITER: Wow. You're so sexy both of my parents find you irresistable. You can really do better than Chief, dad.
[Chief gets up]
CHIEF: lol u didnt sae ur dad was tom cruise
ARBITER: What do you mean?
CHIEF: because doign bettar than teh cheef is mishen impossible lolloloololol
ARBITER: That actually wasn't too bad, Chief.
CHIEF: ur moms bad
ARBITER: [reads some mail] "Dear Arbiter, Can we have an orgy party? You don't have to wear a condom. From Master Chief's family."
[Chief angrily approaches the screen]
CHIEF: HEY U THINK THATS FUNNY MOTHERFUCKER THATS MAI FAMILIES UR TALKING ABOT NOT C00L DUED SRSLY U JUST CROSSED THE FUCKING LIEN SON GIMMIE UR ADRES ADN U CAN SEZ THAT 2 MAI FACE HWO ABOT TAHT IL B33T TEH SHIT OUT OF U U FUCKIN PUSSY
ARBITER: I like how it's from your entire family. Like they were all gathered around the keyboard when they sent it. What a ridiculous idea. This is getting silly.
CHIEF: ya no kiddign
ARBITER: I wouldn't fuck your family without at least a full box of rubbers at a time. God only knows what diseases they're riddled with, given your sexual appitite. Like swimming in the Mississippi. Might not come back out.
CHIEF: arbitur ur so funny / LOLOL / tahts meh LOLing out loud 2 ur funny joak / w/e i doesnt n33d them n e waes ur mom lieks teh cheef raw baby
ARBITER: Thanks for the traumatic mental image.
CHIEF: this mails is fr0m john / "Dear Chief, Stop having sex with everyones mom, you faggot! Arbiter should kick you in the nuts so you would stop having sex with everyone!"
ARBITER: hahaha.
CHIEF: ya well fuck u if u had n e sinse butt has 2 diss meh thru teh intratubes liek taht othir asshole
[Chief drops the mail and stomps on it]
CHIEF: tahts wut i think of ur hypermails / bitch / brb sexing ur m0m
[Chief gets another paper]
CHIEF: Dear, Master Chief. Suck my dick lollololololollololol. from Noble 6
ARBITER: That sure was nice of him to take some time from saving Reach to send you mail. It's the thought that counts.
CHIEF: wtf is a noble 6? is taht liek teh bad gaiz from spidar men?
ARBITER: That's the Sinister six, Chief. But it's an easy mistake to make. "Noble" and "Sinister" are very similar. He's the main character in Halo: Reach.
CHIEF: dumass hao many tiems does i has 2 tell u? u play as mastur chief in r33ch / arbitur if u want 2 sound liek a fucking hal0 expert teh l33st u can do is get ur fax str8 / holy shit
ARBITER: [Reads some mail] "ALIENS AND MONSTERS ARE ATTACKING MY PLACE SO PLEASE HALLAP! LOL GORDON FREEMAN" Okay, Gordon we'll be able to "hallap" you as soon as episode three comes out. If the damn thing ever does.
CHIEF: halo rip off / teh gaems not even taht good / i m33n liek if u rly acshely think abot while ur playing its liek not rly acshelly vereh good
ARBITER: Compelling argument. Half-Life is great.
CHIEF: l00k @ meh every1 im h/ lief / plz stack boxs on th33s boreds so u can r33ched teh next area im a good gaem / sp33king of r33ch and better gaems reech is a way more better gaem than half lief / half lief doesnt even talk / y? master cheef talks / o ya tahts cuz halo is a wae better gaem
ARBITER: [sarcastically] And we all know the best time to judge a game is before it's released.
CHIEF: u sed it buddeh / and this last hypermails is frum / THE NIGIRIAN BANK / " Dear Master Chief. You've just won $1,000,000." / omg / "Before we can give you the funds we need to do a credit check. Please respond with Jon's credit card number so you can claim your winnings." / YES! / im fuckign rich!
[Chief runs for the computer]
CHIEF: finally i will get all teh bitchez!
ARBITER: Thank's for watching the show everybody! And don't forget to send your thoghts to arbynthechief@ gmail.com for a chance at having them read on the show. See you next time!
[Arbiter runs to stop Chief]
CHIEF: yes! good luck arbitur u broke a$$ mothir fucker / omg im rich!
[End credits]