| ← "Cortana" | Arby 'n' the Chief: The Movie | "Conflict - Part 1" → |
|---|
Scene 1: Game
[A group of Pink/Blue Spartan Sprites are attacking a Green Spartan. Arbiter's game sprite comes forward from the attacking spartans.]
ARBITER: It's no use, Todd. There is no defeating my army of deadly lesbian space robots... FROM OUTER SPACE.
[The Robots fire needlers randomly on buildings without hitting Todd]
ARBITER: Cyborg 1-3-3-7 ! Use your deadly... SPACE ROCKETS.
TRAVIS: [sighs] Fine, whatever.
[Travis fires from his missile pod, destroying a warthog]
ARBITER: Give up Todd. / Cortana is mine. / You will never free her from this flimsy cage made of stacked empty barrels.
[Cortana's Spartan Sprite shown as fore mention]
CORTANA: This is SO stupid.
ARBITER: Only the REAL Master Chief could POSSIBLY defeat me and my robot army! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
TODD: He's right. I'm too weak and stupid, and I have no balls, and I shoot like a girl. If only the real Master Chief were here, he would save everyone and save Cortana because he is... awesomer, and has a billion girlfriends and a huge dong.
[Todd then turns to see a warthog flying out to the battlefield. It's the Master Chief]
CHIEF: hello i am master chief lollollollollollollol
ARBITER: Curses, it's the real Master Chief, the one that doesn't totally suck.
TODD: I will now commit suicide because the real master chief is so much cooler than me. (Shoots himself) Blegh, I am dead.
ARBITER: You've been a pain in my asshole long enough, Master Chief. It's time to die.
CHIEF: no / U
ARBITER: My lesbian robots beg to differ. Kill him!
CHIEF: i dun THINKN so / not w/mai......... LAZAR B33MZ / wowowowowow
[Chief shoots a laser out of his visor, killing the robots]
ARBITER: Oh no!
TRAVIS: What the hell, that's fucking stupid. You don't have laser beams.
CHEIF: yes i d0 travis sHut up
ARBITER: Come on man, play along. / He's enjoying himself.
TRAVIS: (sighs) Jesus christ.
ARBITER: Curse you! You've destroyed my army of lesbian robots! / (jumps down) Let's fight. / (pulls out an energy sword) Yaa!
CHIEF: ur kung fu it no match 4 mai CH33F MOB33L (runs into warthog)
ARBITER: Oh no!
[Master Chief drives the warthog, heading straight at Arbiter]
ARBITER: Ahh!
[Switches to real time, revealing it was all a performance, and the wartog is a smaller toy than the rest]
CHIEF: SPLAT. / ur ded
ARBITER: Oh No. I have been defeated. / [Falls over on back] Blargh!
CHIEF: [Shoots at Travis] Pew Pew Pew Pew Pew Pew Pew / I Gots U / u has 2 fall down
TRAVIS: This is gay.
CHIEF: UR gay
CORTANA: Homophobes.
TODD: Chief, these lines youu gave me to read, I can barely read this. This is almost illegible. Seriously. I mean for starters, awesomer isn't even a word, and one of my lines isn't even a line. It's just crude drawing of a man's penis.
CORTANA: Can I go now?
CHIEF: N0 / i saved u / u has 2 be all liek, OMG mastur ch33f u saevd me ima hav ur bebbehz adn maek u sammichez adn stuf
CORTANA: No, you sexsit pig!
CHIEF: u sed sex LOLOLOLLOLOLOLOL
TRAVIS: This is retarded. I'm playin' Xbox.
[Travis walks off.]
CORTANA: I'm outta here. [walking off] Coming, Todd?
TODD: Yes, honey.
[Todd drops Chief's script and walks off.]
CHIEF: "yes huny" / queer.
[Cut to Chief sitting sadly.]
CHIEF: :( [sad face]
[Arbiter puts a hand on Chief's shoulder.]
ARBITER: Sorry,Chief. I guess our new friends don't really enjoy playing pretend as much as you do.
CHIEF: i wur hasing fun.
ARBITER: I know, Chief. For the record, you have a very creative mind.
CHIEF: rly?
ARBITER: Yes! It must've taken quite an imagination to come up with a scenario like this. I'm sure one day you'll put it to good use.
[Arbiter leaves]
CHIEF: :D [happy face]
[opening credits]
Scene 2: Jon's living room
Arbiter, Travis, Todd and Cortana are seen on the couch. Travis is playing Halo 3.
TRAVIS: Dude, I've totally got this guy. Check this out. Check this out.
In game Travis is seen shooting the player. The player escapes around a corner.
TRAVIS: What the hell!? I shot him like eighty billion times! Why won't he die!?
The player puts down a bubble shield and crouches inside. Travis stops.
TRAVIS: Oh what!? I don't believe this! What pussy! What a fuckin' pussy!
ARBITER: It's legitimate. That's the whole point of the bubble shield.
TRAVIS: NO! That's bullshit! Gimme that mic. [grabs the mic] Get outta there, you bitch!
ARBITER: What are you up to over there, Chief?
[Chief is seen watching one of DigitalPh33r's early videos "Playin' With The Chief" on the computer.]
CHIEF: watchign movi3s.
CHARACTER [in the video]: Hey, Chief. Could you give us a second? I need to talk to these guys?
MASTER CHIEF [in the video]: No.
CHIEF: DIGITALPH3R SUX BALLZ / he thikns hes SOOOOOO k00l / HAY / L00K @ MEH / IM DIGITALPH3R / i haz 3s in mai naem and I don't has rec0n adn i maek shitty movies!
CORTANA: Could you keep it down? We're trying to read!
TODD: Yeah, we're trying to read here!
[Beat]
CHIEF: im sry is ther an echo in h33r? / O NVM [nevermind] / [Points at Todd] its just taht pu$$y whipd limp dick ovar ther
TODD: Shut up!
Cut to Travis and the bubble shield player.
TRAVIS: He's just gonna wait there! Until I go in! I REALLY HATE THIS GUY!
ARBITER: Digitalph33r is alright.
CHIEF: no / he's a hack
ARBITER: You think you could do better?
CHIEF: is tod a gig@ntic pu$$y?
Cut to Todd in disbelief.
ARBITER: Care to make this interesting?
CHIEF: wat u m33n?
ARBITER: Let's make a bet. You make a sweet machinima, I give you something. You make a SHITTY one, you give ME something.
CHIEF: wat if I lose?
ARBITER: You have to be nice for a whole day.
CHIEF: :0 [surprised face] k butt wat if I win?
ARBITER: Your choice.
Chief turns back to the computer.
Chief u all haz 2 shut up
ARBITER: How long?
CHIEF: FOREVIR!
ARBITER: How 'bout just for a day?
Chief turns back to Arbiter.
CHIEF: (beat) ur 0n bitch
In the game another player snipes Travis.
TRAVIS: SON OF A BITCH!
The other player's bubble shield deactivates and he teabags Travis.
TRAVIS: Oh this is horseshit! He doesn't deserve to teabag!
ARBITER: (to Chief) So wait, who are you gonna get to act for your machinima?
Scene 3: Recruitment
Cut to a wideshot of Valhala. Inspirational music plays as Chief paces back and forth.
CHIEF: I R BRING U ALL H33R 2 DAE TOO MAEK A MOVIE / BUTT NOT JUS N E MOVEE MAI FRINZE / THIS MOVEH WILL BE TEH BEST MOVEE IN TEH HISTORY OF TEH EARTH / IT WILL MAEK PPL LAFF. ADN IT WILL MAEK TH3M CRAI :'( / ANY KWESTCHINS?
Cut to Chief's recruits randomly killing each other.
PLAYER 1: Yes! Is this gonna be on tv!?
PLAYER 2: How long will this take!?
PLAYER 3: How much are we getting paid!?
PLAYER 4: My mom says I have to be in bed by eight!
ALL ACTORS: [inane chatter]
Scene 4: Seven weeks later
Arbiter, Travis, Todd and Cortana are seen on the couch.
CHIEF: LADIEZ ADN GENTILM3N / wat ur abot 2 c / r teh greatest film in teh hist0ries of mankind
[Travis yawns]
ARBITER: How long is it?
CHIEF: 3 hours
ARBITER: Jesus Christ.
CORTANA: Oh my god...
TODD: What?!
TRAVIS: Awww, you gotta shitting me. [walks away]
TODD: Do we have to watch this?
CHIEF: yes stfu
[Todd sighs]
CHIEF: nao lets sit bak / and enjoy teh majek
Chief starts the movie on the Xbox. Travis returns with a bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey.
TRAVIS: Well, I dunno about anyone else but...
CHIEF: h33r weh go / evry1 sut ur hoel
The movie starts. Text on a black screen says mastar ceef presints: TEH AELINS FRUM OUTAR SPAESS.
ARBITER: Travis? Could I have some of that?
TRAVIS: Yeah, sure.
Travis passes the booze to Arbiter.
TRAVIS: What about you, Todd?
TODD: Oh, no thanks.
CHIEF: stfu
The movie is shown. Cut to a shot of Valhala.
CHIEF [narrating]: 1rst ther wuz nothing / butt then ther wer... AELINS!
Cut to two Banshees flying by. One crashes into a cliff.
BANSHEE PILOT: Sorry.
Cut to Chief's character walking through the map Last Resort.
CHIEF [narrating]: Jon Ossim wuz just a m@n like n e other / but he was in a bunch of wars and stuff s0 he wanted 2 kill thingz / and stuff...
Another character runs up.
MACHINIMA ACTOR: Jon! [waving his body around] We just got a message from the army space ship! In space! The aliens are attacking!
Cut to a dramatic view of Jon Ossim's visor. Cut to Todd reaching for the whiskey.
TODD: On second thought, can I have some of that?
Back to the movie.
CHIEF [as "Jon Ossim"]: [Waves his body around] I must fite teh aelins w/ mai weap0ns +++one! b 4 its 2 laet!
TRAVIS: This is retarded!
CHIEF: SHUT UP
TRAVIS: Fuck.
90 minutes later. The other toys are seen slouching with the liquor bottle half empty. Cut to the movie.
FEMALE ACTOR: [waving her body around] But, Jon. You can't go! You can't leave me!
CHIEF [as "Jon Ossim"]: [waving his body around] I haz 2 behbeh / i must fight teh aliens
FEMALE ACTOR: But Jon, I'm...pregnant!
ARBITER: Your voice is very convincing.
CHIEF: thnx
TRAVIS: No it isn't!
CHIEF: travis I swear 2 g0d!
Another 90 minutes later. The toys are now lying down and the bottle is empty. In the movie Jon is seen fighting numerous aliens while the song Blow me Away by Breaking Benjamin plays. Cut to Jon lying in a pool of blood.
CHIEF [as "Jon Ossim"]: I haz 2 get up / I must fight the aliens
MACHINIMA ACTOR: [Waving his body around] No Jon! You are the alien!
Cut to an alien corpse where Jon's was.
CHIEF [narrating]: adn th3n Jon wuz a alien!
Cut to black with the text: teh edn. The text becomes red and says: teh edn?
TRAVIS: What the fuck?
Cut to the real world.
CHIEF: we11? wat u think?
ARBITER: That was...different.
TODD: Definently interesting...
TRAVIS: That fuckin' sucked.
CHIEF: s0 I win teh bet! m I rite!?
ARBITER: I don't think so, Chief.
CHIEF: [Shaking in anger.] asshoel ! ya w3ll I uploaded it 2 teh internets! we'll c hao many views it gets/ k?
ARBITER: Fine.
Scene 5: The call
Los Angeles, California, United States of America. Cut to Skyler Loveheart watching Chief's movie on his computer.
SKYLER: (laughs) This is hilarious! Get this man on the phone! This is exactly the kind of guy we need.
Cut to the toys on the couch. Chief madly types f5 on the computer to refresh the Youtube page.
CHIEF: @rbitur l00k! +++one / mai movie haz 20,000 views!
ARBITER: Those were all you. You've been up there pressing f5 for fourteen hours.
The cell phone near Chief starts ringing. Chief goes to pick it up.
ARBITER: That's Jon's phone. Leave it.
CHIEF: suck mai ass / ur not mai m0m
Chief answers the phone.
CHIEF: hello?
SKYLER: Yes, am I speaking to the online machinima director "lovemachine69"?
CHIEF: yes / it is I
SKYLER: Great! I'm Skyler Loveheart and I'm the head of Douchebag studios. I recently saw the video game movie you made and ,quite frankly, I was amazed!
CHIEF: rly?
SKYLER: Absolutely! It's great to have such a talented new director such as your self. With such a great understanding of what makes a machinima bad and the ability to make such an amusing parody.
CHIEF: ty (thank you)
SKYLER: So, I'll get straight to the point. I want you here at the studio. You've got just the sort of talent we need over here. Ever think movin' to LA?
CHIEF: wat is l a?
SKYLER: LOS ANGELES!
CHIEF: r u srs?
SKYLER: Ha! I'm very serious, my friend. Waddya say we meet up and talk about it? I'll book you on the next flight to LA.
CHIEF: k
SKYLER: Alright, my friend! I'll be in touch.
CHIEF: kthnxbai
SKYLER: Alright! Whooo!
Chief hangs up and tosses the phone.
TODD: Who was that?
CHIEF: UR M0M / she wuz all like / 0! MASTUR CH33F / 0!
ARBITER: Seriously.
CHIEF: this gai lieked mai movie and wants meh 2 g0 to l a
TODD: Los Angeles?
TRAVIS: Yeah, right.
ARBITER: Seriously?
CHIEF: ya / guess i don't has 2 lived w/ u asshoels n e moar / lolololololololololololololololololololol
Chief runs for the door and exits the apartment.
CORTANA: ...He's leaving?
Pause.
TRAVIS: Whooo! This is fuckin' awesome!
TODD: This is fantastic!
CORTANA: This is so great! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Scene 6: Los Angeles
Vancouver International Airport.A plane is seen taking off for Los Angeles. A montage of Chief's journey through LA plays to the song Push it to the Limit. Cut to Chief waiting in a parking garage.
CHIEF: wat teh HELL r taeking this gai so long?
The gate opens and Skyler's car pulls up as [insert song name] plays. Skyler exits the car.
SKYLER: Hello! If it isn't lovemachine69 the talented machinima director himself. I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy! Thanks for seeing me, buddy. Welcome to LA.
Pause.
SKYLER: So, are you ready to make a lot of money?
CHIEF: ya / :D [happy face]
SKYLER: Then you'd better come with me, my friend. To the movie studio, baby! Yeah!
Scene 7: Car
Cut to Chief in the passenger seat of Skyler's car as Skyler drives.
CHIEF: can i haz money adn weminz nao plz?
SKYLER: Not yet, my friend. But soon. I'm gonna have you create a serious production under our new contract. And if it's anywhere near as clever a parody as your recent machinima, the cash will start rollin' in. AND YOU'LL HAVE ALL THE WOMEN YOU CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE!
CHIEF: h00rae!
SKYLER: Hey? Would you like some...GUM! [offers a stick of gum.]
CHIEF: y3s plz [takes gum]
SKYLER: Hang on, buddy. I gotta answer this important phone call. [answers phone] Who is this? Yeah? Sweet! Yeah, I'm talkin' on my cell phone while I'm driving!
CHIEF: om nom nom nom
SKYLER: You too? How fast ya goin'?
CHIEF: :(
SKYLER: That's so dangerous! But awesome! 'Kay see ya later.
Skyler hangs up.
CHIEF: can i phoen mai frind?
SKYLER: Pff! What? You don't need friends anymore, Chief. Your in Los Angeles and you've got money! It's all you need, baby.
CHIEF: i jus want 2 brag tho
SKYLER: Oh, well that's different. Absoulutly, here's my phone.
Skyler hands Chief the phone. Cut to Arbiter and Travis playing Halo. Arbiter notices Jon's phone ringing and picks it up.
ARBITER: Hello?
CHIEF: arbiter i haz somethign import 2 tells u / sumthign vereh import
ARBITER: [beat] What is it?
CHIEF: IM IN L A AND UR N0T LOLOLLOLOLOLLOLOL FUCKIGN LOSER HAHAHHAHAHA-
Arbiter hangs up and goes back to his controller.
TRAVIS: Who was that?
ARBITER: Wrong number.
The phone starts ringing again.
TRAVIS: Ya gonna...Ya gonna get that?
ARBITER: No. I know who it is. I'm not answering.
TRAVIS: Could be important.
Arbiter answers.
ARBITER: Hello-
CHIEF: UR GAY UR GAY UR GAY UR GAY UR GAY UR GAY-
Arbiter hangs up and throws the phone off the couch.
Scene 8: Skyler's living room
Cut to Skyler sitting in a chair across from Chief.
SKYLER: So. Howdaya like it in Los Angeles, buddy?
Cut to Chief wearing a pair of sunglasses that too large for him.
CHIEF: i <3 it
SKYLER: Sweet, man. Now let's talk business.
CHIEF: k
SKYLER: We've got a bit of a problem. You're last machinima was fantastic and all. But there's a lot of tasteless people out in the world and an online petition has recently been started to get you to stop making any more machinima.
CHIEF: o no!!1
SKYLER: Hey! Don't panic. What I want you to do is make some kind of announcement across the internet that will restore everyone's confidence in you. Show 'em that your a cool, down-to-earth guy and that you're totally capable of producing quality work. Think you can do that?
CHIEF: np [no problem]
Scene 9: Petition
[cut to Arbiter watching Chief's announcement on YouTube]
CHIEF [in the video]: o hai / mai naem is mastur ch33f / I've gots sum stuff 2 sae abot teh onlien petishun 2 st0p mastar cheef from maeking movies / id liek 4 ther also 2 b another petishun otu ther / liek a pro mastur ceef patishun / adn I eggspect a million voets pro mastur ch33f / and I hop sum 1 w00d set it up adn u all start signing it / cuz l00k / IM N0T A FUCKIGN RETART LIEK DIGITALPH33R / MAEKING TEH SAEM SHITTY MOVIES OVAR AND OVAR AGEN / if u rly l00k @ mai movi33s / u will c my r33l genious / im teh only genious in teh whoel fuckign bisness.
ARBITER: Wow. I can't think of anyone who has an ego this massive.
CHIEF [in the video]: i challinj N E 1 who thinks im a bad durektor 2 a bocksign match / b cuz taht will prove taht i r n0t.
Cut to Cortana.
CORTANA: ...Turn that off, Arbiter.
Arbiter stops the video and returns to the couch.
TODD: Stop forget about it, man. TRAVIS: Yeah, he's gone for good. Anyway, we should be celebrating!
TODD: Yeah.
Arbiter looks sadly at the end of the couch where Chief usually is.
ARBITER: ...Yeah.
Scene 10: Seven weeks later
[Skyler and Chief are now seen sitting together in Skyler's apartment. A subtitle appears and states: "Seven weeks later."]
SKYLER: Well, it's been nearly two months, and given the ridiculous amount of money I've invested in you. I trust you've got something impressive to show me.
CHIEF: dun wury, its k / U WIL <3 TIHS
[Chief presses play on the TV remote and the movie begins, stating: "mastnaer chaief preasenets, TEH EPICK BATELL" The machinima opens up with Master Chief standing before four aliens charging at him on a desert map.]
CHIEF: i canot win / [Waves his body around wildly] BUT I HAV 2 TRAI
[In the machinima, Chief engages into combat with the four aliens abit culmsily due to the shaky camera of the machinima. In the background of the video, the song "Crawling" by Linkin Park is heard playing loudly over all the action. Cutting back to real-life, Skyler is seen clutching the seat arm cushions looking shocked by his body language as Chief glances at him and back at the machinima in great confidence. Back to the machinima, Chief kills the last alien of the group and proceeds to violantly teabag it as an Orange Spartan Player appears]
MACHINIMA ACTOR: [Waves his body around wildly] You... Did it.
[the machinima ends with Master Chief turning to face the camera and it abruptly ends with the message "TEH EDN", followed by a long list of credits that player very fastly. Back in real-life, Skyler is now seen angrily gripping the seat arm cushions in total rage.]
CHIEF: wat u thiKn??
SKYLER: [progressively enraged] This is a joke right?! THIS HAS TO BE A FUCKING JOKE!!
CHIEF: i no / ITS SO GUD
[Skyler gets up and grabs the wall to a doorway, steaming mad while hyperventilating loudly.]
CHIEF: wats ur fuckign problim / r u poopin??
SKYLER: [Balls up his fist and turns to face Chief] Do you have ANY IDEA HOW MUCH MONEY I'VE INVESTED IN YOU?!! I'M GONNA TEACH YOU A LESSON YOU'LL NEVER FORGET!!! [pulls out a gun and point it at Chief.]
CHIEF: wtf
[In a bilnd rage, Skyler screams loudly and begins firing his gun around wildly, narrowly missing Chief and knocking himself backwards in the process, Chief then gets up and runs away fastly]
CHIEF: :0 [surprised face] / o shit
SKYLER: YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT!!!
CHIEF: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!
SKYLER: FUCK!! SHIT!!
[Skyler gets up and follows after Chief as the shootout degenerates outside his room.]
Scene 11: The chase
Chief runs terrified through the hallway. Skyler chases after him screaming and randomly firing his gun.
CHIEF: SUM 1!/ HALP! / O NOE
SKYLER: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH!
Chief runs in to the elevator and madly presses the basement button.
CHIEF: baesmet nao plz!
Skyler catches up as the doors start closing. He fires into the elevator.
CHIEF: get awae from meh u fuckign psycho!
The elevator door closes and Skyler runs down the stairwell.
SKYLER: AAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!
Chief exits the elevator in the basement hallway.
CHIEF: lol
Skyler catches up and chases him down the hall.
SKYLER: FOUND YOU!!
CHIEF: aaaaaa!
SKYLER: AAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH! FUCK YOU! YOU LITTLE SHIT!
CHIEF: o no shit shit shit shit shit shit shit!
Chief reaches the parking garage. Skyler trips and shoots himself in the leg.
SKYLER: FUCK! MY LEG!
Chief runs for Skylers car.
CHIEF: i can haz car? ROFL
Chief reaches the car with Skyler close behind. He gets in and starts the car.
CHIEF: lets g0 car!
Skyler fires at the car.
CHIEF: holy fuck aaaaa!
Chief reverses and turns for the exit.
CHIEF: g0 u h33p of shit!
Skyler stops running and Chief leaves the parking garage.
CHIEF: hooraey! niec car / asshoel / MIEN NAO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Skyler falls to his knees.
SKYLER: Well, I guess there's only one reasonable thing left to do.
Skyler puts the gun to his head and fires. Blood gushes as he falls dead.
SKYLER: blargh... [gurgley death sounds.]
Scene 12: Car
Chief is seen driving down a country road.
CHIEF: VR00M! / VR00M ! 1 / mai roflcar goes mmmmmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnn
The fuel gauge is seen dropping to empty.
CHIEF: FUCK!
The car eases to a stop.
CHIEF: cum 0n u piece of shit / G0 / aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa / [beat] i dunt fuckign b3l33v this
Chief exits the car and starts kicking a wheel.
CHIEF: P33CE OF SHIT CAR / TAEK THIS
Chief dramaticly looks across the wide open country.
CHIEF: WTF?
Chief looks down the road, realizing he has to walk.
CHIEF: :(
The Indiana Jones Theme plays as Chief begins his long walk home. An Indiana Jones style map is seen, depicting Chief's journey back to Vancouver.
Scene 13: The return
Travis and Arbiter are seen playing 1v1 on Guardian.
TRAVIS: [snickering] Come on, come on, come on...
Arbiter ,distracted, walks through a doorway. Travis lunges out and kills him with an energy sword.
TRAVIS: Yeah! Bitch! Wow, I'm kickin' your ass, man. Step it up.
Arbiter gets up and walks away.
TRAVIS: Hey? Hey! Where ya goin' ,man? Let's finish this!
TODD: What's the matter, Arbiter?
ARBITER: I'm not in the mood.
CORTANA: What's the matter with him?
Arbiter walks through the living room. He hears the door open and shut. He goes to investigate. Chief is seen standing in the hallway.
ARBITER: Oh, it's you.
CHIEF: o hai
ARBITER: ...Welcome back.
CHIEF: thx
Chief walks by Arbiter.
CHIEF: HAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY! +++one!*
The other toys stare silently.
CHIEF: WAT? WAT did i d0?
ARBITER: In all honesty, you've got a nerve to show your face here after the way you've been behaving.
CHIEF: r u srs?
ARBITER: I think you better go.
Chief sadly walks to the door.
CHIEF: :(((((((((((((((((
On his way out Chief sees the breaker box. He opens it.
CHIEF: FGTS
Cut to the other toys as the power goes out.
TODD: Woah!
CORTANA: The power went out!
TRAVIS: What the fuck? I was owning!
ARBITER: Chief?
Arbiter follows Chief's path out the door.
Scene 14: Outside
Chief is seen heading for the street curb.
CHIEF: they dun want meh around / tahts fien w/ meh / ill sho those assholes
Chief waits at the edge of the street as the apartment's parking garage gate opens. Arbiter follows and spots Chief.
ARBITER: Chief?
Arbiter sees a car coming down the street from the garage and realizes that Chief is trying to kill himself.
CHIEF: g00dbye crool werld/++1
ARBITER: Chief, what are you doing!? No!
Chief throws himself in front of the car.
CHIEF: aaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Chief is hit by the car, throwing him aside. Arbiter runs to his side.
ARBITER: Chief! Chief? Chief, answer me.
Chief lies still.
ARBITER: Don't leave. Without you I have no one to argue with. I have no purpose! I need you in my life. Never thought I'd say this, but...I love you, man.
After a long silence Arbiter turns around. Chief gets up.
CHIEF: TAHTS SRSLY TEH GAYEST SHIT IVE EVAR HERD / QUEER
Arbiter quickly turns around.
ARBITER: Chief! You're alright! What the hell were you thinking?
CHIEF: i dunno lol / this r liek when I tried 2 drown myself in teh toilet / ROFL / epic fail / guess i can't die
ARBITER: Let's get you home.
They begin to walk back to the apartment.
CHIEF: arbitur w8
ARBITER: What is it?
CHIEF: i <3 u
ARBITER: Really?
CHIEF: yeh / is it can b hugs tiem nao?
They hug.
ARBITER: There better not be another fucking sign on my back.
Zoom out to reveal a sign on Arbiter's back that says "im gay".
CHIEF: lmao
Scene 15: Jon's living room
One week later. Arbiter, Travis, Todd and Cortana are seen on the couch.
CORTANA: Todd? If Master Chief could die, where do think he'd go? Heaven or Hell?
TODD: Hell, definently.
CORTANA: But what do you think it would be like?
TODD: I dunno. But I imagine it would be pretty frightening. How do you visualize hell, Trav?
TRAVIS: My vision of hell?
Travis is shown to be fighting flood on the Halo 3 level "Cortana".
TRAVIS: Probably bein' forced to play this retarded fuckin' level! On Legendary. For all eternity.
He gets killed.
TRAVIS: Goddammit!
Arbiter hears the door open. They all look to the hallway.
ARBITER: Chief? Was that you?
CHIEF [with a deep voice]: IM AFRAED NOT / IT IS I / TEH REEL MASTUR CHEEF / ADN IM HEER / TO EAT / UR / FACE!
A giant Master Chief helmet appears around the corner.
CHIEF [with a deep voice]: OM NOM NOM NOM NOM
ARBITER: Holy shit!
CORTANA: Oh my God! Ahh!
TRAVIS: What the fuck is that!?
Todd shrieks and runs away. The giant head is revealed to be the Halo 3 Legendary helmet held on a broom by Chief.
CHIEF: jk [just kidding] / lollololllololollol
Credits roll.