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TranscriptEdit

Scene 1: Sword BaseEdit

A few shots of the map show it to be completly empty. A blood stain is ominously shown on the ground.

A lone player walks onto the highest bridge and looks around.

  • XBL player:"Hey... Can anybody hear me? Okay, I'm seriously starting to think I'm the only player left in this server. If anyone can hear me, can you please say somthing?[beat] Not again. Grandma? You're really stretching our bandwith with all the BDSM downloads. I'm getting dropped again. We've been over this one damn video at a time..."

Eugene comes up and assassinates the player.Arbiter and Chief walk up behind him.

  • Chief:"roflmao"
  • Arbiter:"The things you hear online."
  • Eugene:"The world's a fucked up place."
  • Chief:"so wats this supar secrit things taht u wanted 2 showed us huh? i wanna c / let meh c it / nao"
  • Eugene:"Ah, but you've been seeing it thoughout this entire match, you just haven't observed,"

Eugene goes across the bridge.

  • Chief:"LOL WUT? wtf is taht supposed 2 meant?"

The two follow Eugene.They're seen arrived on the ground floor.

  • Chief:"goddamn teh shit i w00d does foar just 1 single cigarettes rite nao"

Arbiter notices a multitude of dead bodies still lying around.

  • Arbiter:"[beat]Bodies aren't disappearing. Nobody's respawning. We're alone. Have we been dropped?"
  • Eugene:"No. Everybody else has."
  • Arbiter:"I don't understand."
  • Eugene:"I'm stoked to announce that I've just gained possession of an updated version of the fragban software patch. I believe that you two are familiar with it."
  • Arbiter:"...You've just banned all these players from the network?"
  • Eugene:"Permanently. Console level."
  • Chief:"holy shit dued r u srs? o ya tahts so ossim / ossim possim"
  • Arbiter:"Why?"
  • Eugene:"[ confused] Because it's funny. Obviously."
  • Chief:"ya arbitur oviously / r u retarted or sumthing? its HILARIOUS"
  • Arbiter:"If you'll forgive me for pissing on your bonfire Eugene, I'm failing to find the humor."
  • Chief:"OMFG / face palm / hed desk / dick knife"
  • Eugene:"Hey don't get all fucking uppity on me, hypocrite! This is the same software that yourselves and that clan of douchebags Chaos Theosis popularized. You crashed a wedding with it for fucks sake. Jesus, I thought you'd be pumped."
  • Chief:"i thinked taht its fuckign sick dued"
  • Eugene:"Thank you. A little appreciation is better than none I suppose."
  • Arbiter:"The wedding crash was a necessary evil to keep a friend of mine out of a dog-shit marriage to a complete jerk-off. Anybody I banned had it coming."
  • Eugene:"And who are you exactly to dictate what warrants being banned?"
  • Arbiter:"I acknowledged that it was wrong and I'm ashamed of it, but I certainly didn't ban anybody for the sole reason that I thought it was funny and I won't be doing it again. We gave you our word, Eugene. We won't be discussing what we've seen here to a soul. But we can't have any part in it."

Arbiter starts walking away.

  • Arbiter:"I'm sorry. Come on, Chief."
  • Chief:"bitch is u crazy? GET FUCKED I WANNA USED TEH FRAGBANS / can i eugene? plex? plixy pl0x? ill suck ur dick srsly"
  • Arbiter:"No, Chief. You're leving with me right now. Otherwise I'll just unplug the system."
  • Chief:"U DO AND U DIE FUCKER / arbiter? NOOOOOOOOOOOO-"

Chief and Arbiter's player models fall dead as Arbiter unplugs the console. Eugene walks away.

  • Eugene:"Jesus christ..."

Scene 2: Jon's ApartmentEdit

Arbiter is seen with the Xbox cord.

  • Chief:"pack ur bags bitch, cuz im cunt punting u out teh fuckign window!"
  • Arbiter:"Using that patch is immoral, Chief. As much joy as you believe it would bring you, we can't."

As Arbiter and Chief argue Greg is seen nearby with a note that says " I'm leaving."

  • Chief:"y does u caer so goddamn much abot morals considereing hao big a shit lief took on u? on boath of us / fuck, all u do around h33r is sit around and bitched abot hao much u haet ur lief / ive sed this B4 / ur so weerd / wats ur fucking problem?"
  • Arbiter:"I'm not going to force undeserving people to forefit hundreds of dollers to replace corrupted hardware in an effort to make myself feel better."
  • Chief:"u sure abot taht? cuz ur gonna wanted 2 f33l a hell of a lot better in liek few secinds"
  • Arbiter:"Please."
  • Chief:"and just cuz u doesnt want 2 used teh patch it doesnt m33n taht i cant / uv gots too stop treating meh liek im a fucking kid / u does not knew true f33r until you've seen mai ninjitsu arbitur / r u redy?"

They both look at Greg.

  • Chief:"o hai / i was just think it s33m to get infinity moar uglier in h33r all of a suddenly"
  • Arbiter:"You're leaving? Where are you going? Wherever it is...You're coming back, right?"
  • Greg:No.
  • Arbiter:"Why?"
  • Chief:"wat a shaem  / :"I [ crying face] / well i gessed u maed ur decsisons bie bie"
  • Greg:Various circumstances have conspired to place me in a very uncomfortable position.
  • Arbiter:"What various circumstances are these?"
  • Greg: I've decided eaving is the optimal solution.
  • Arbiter:"Solution to what?"
  • Greg:You have a good heart, Arbiter. Don't lose it.

Greg starts to leave.

  • Arbiter:"Greg! Solution to what? What circumstaces are you talking about?Greg don't go!"
  • Chief:"lollololollololololoollol / gehy"
  • Arbiter:"Whatever's at the root of this, we can sort it out! You don't have to leave. And it doesn't take a genious intellect to guess who's at the root of this. What's this about,Chief?"
  • Chief:"i doesnt knew dued dont axe meh"
  • Arbiter:"Greg, wait!"

The door closes as Greg leaves the apartment. Chief puts a hand on Arbiters shoulder.

  • Chief:"gess its just u and meh agen buddeh / this truly is a :( [ sad face] day / truly truly truly a :( day / butte we has 2 get it on w/ our lievs bro / somehao"

Later Chief is seen partying with balloons,sparklers and a couple of signs that say " unwelcome home greg", "fuck spiders" and "Don't come back.". Holograms is heard playing.Chief starts dancing.

  • Chief:"hells ya / river dancing all ^[up] in this bitch / u cant touch this / noep / sry"

Chief takes a drink of beer.

  • Chief:"yum / adn nao 4 mai next tricks"

Chief cartwheels, lands against the refridgerator and falls asleep.

  • Chief:" zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"

Arbiter is seen in the bathtub drinking sadly.

Arbiter comes out covering his ears. He picks up Jon's cell phone and turns off the music.Arbiter sees Chief sleeping in a shot glass among the decor. He shakes his head in disbelief.

Scene 3: CondemnedEdit

Arbiter is seen playing a match. He fires his DMR at a player but the player kills him with a rocket.

  • Arbiter:"Fucking hell. Come on, Arbiter."

Another player stops running nearby.

  • Rowdy player 1:"What the fuck? What was that?"

Arbiter respawns.

  • Arbiter:"What? My voice?Take my word for it, I hate it as much as I'm sure you do. Take some comfort in the fact that i'm sure it won't be as grating when your ears fill with blood."

Another player comes down the stairs.

  • Rowdy player 2:"Sweet jesus, how profoundly irritating."

The player who killed Arbiter approaches.

  • Rowdy player 3:"Stop using it."
  • Arbiter:"I can't. I wouldn't be playing this game if there were an alternative I'd be out doing cartwheels."
  • Rowdy player 2:Then leave!"
  • Arbiter:"We're in matchmaking. I'm under no obligation to leave. I apologize if my monotone irritates you but it's not my intention to bother anybody."
  • Rowdy player 3:"We don't care wether or not irritating is your intention. The fact remains that you are."
  • Arbiter:"I'm sorry."
  • Rowdy player 2:"You apologized already."
  • Arbiter:"I don't know what else to tell you guys."
  • Rowdy player 3:"You don't tell us anything else! You simply do the decent thing. You do as you were just told, and you leave."
  • Arbiter:"I'm not going anywhere."
  • Rowdy player 2:"We'll be making life quite difficult for you if you don't."
  • Arbiter:"How's that?"

Jeffrey comes over.

  • Rowdy player 1:"We'll hack your account! You know how many accounts I've hacked today alone?"
  • Arbiter:"No."
  • Rowdy player 1:"Two! Two fuckin' accounts. And yours will be the third if you don't get out of here. I eat accounts like yours for breakfast!"
  • Arbiter:"Is that all? No wonder you're so grumpy."

The players corner Arbiter against a wall.

  • Arbiter:"I won't be bullied into quitting when I'm not required to."
  • Rowdy player 2:"You're a disturbance to us! We have as much right to an enjoyable gaming environment as you do. I'm sure in won't take you long to find another game with players willing to tolerate your speech. Then again..."
  • Rowdy player 3:"Why do you use that voice anyway? It isn't funny."
  • Rowdy player 2:"Not in the slightest."
  • Arbiter:"I use it because I have, to I already told you I have no choice in the matter. I don't use it to be funny."
  • Rowdy player 1:"Then why?"
  • Arbiter:"Because mind your own damn business, that's why."
  • Rowdy player 2:"You've made it our business!"
  • Rowdy player 3:"Do my senses deceive me? Have we hit a nerve? I think you're just a sweaty, neck bearded and morbidly obese virgin and you think that mouth breather voice will bring you the friends you've always wanted. Am I in the ball park?"
  • Rowdy player 2:"Yeah, I'd say so."
  • Arbiter:"I'll quit, alright? If that's what it takes to defuse this entirely uneeded conflict."
  • Rowdy player 2:"So what are you waitin' for?"
  • Arbiter:"Ridiculous. I hope you're proud of yourselves."
  • Rowdy player 1:"Don't worry about that."
  • Arbiter:"But I'll leave with the comfort of knowing who the real loser is among us."
  • Rowdy player 2:"Yeah, you."

Arbiter leaves the game. The players laugh.

Scene 4: Jon's ApartmentEdit

Arbiter is seen walking through the kitchen.

  • Chief:"aaaaaaggghhhhhh"

Arbiter sees Chief (still in the shot glass) has woken up.

  • Chief:"jeesus christ mai fucking hed"

Arbiter walks over to him and holds out a hand.

  • Arbiter:"Let me help you up, pal."
  • Chief:"y spank u"

Arbiter helps Chief up.

  • Chief:"hao kind of u / :D"

Arbiter punches Chief, knocking him down and making his visor come off.

  • Chief:"ooooww! god fucking dammit arbitur taht srsly hurted s0 bad / who put taht bug up ur ass?"

Arbiter walks away. Chief reataches his visor and briefly sees an apparition of Cortana on the table.He shakes his head and the image vanishes.

Credits roll. The end.

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