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← "Panic" "Cheater" "Company - Part 1" →

TranscriptEdit

Scene 1:Jon's apartmentEdit

Viewr discretion warning is shown. Opening credits roll.

Chief is seen sitting on the couch staring at  the TV screen. Arbiter walks up.

  • Arbiter: "What are you up to, Chief?"
  • Chief: "this r teh last straw arbitur / im sik of fgts killign meh in hal0"
  • Arbiter: "You're watching online strategy videos? Those are so lame."

Josh Butterballs is seen on the screen.

  • Josh Butterballs: "Hey, what's up fellow Halo 3 players? This is Josh Butterballs with Stupid Obvious Information Magazine and I'm here to tell you how to play Halo 3 like a pro."
  • Arbiter: "You'd be better off reading the Halo 3 instruction manual!"
  • Josh: "Now I know what you're thinking. "Oh, this guy says he's pro but he probably sucks at Halo, if he's even a gamer at all". Well guess what. I've played through the entire campaign of Halo 3:Combat Evolved, I've almost finished Halo number One and I've also beaten Super Mario Bros.and Ocarina of time. Remember Ocairina? How about that water temple, Huh? What a level that was."

Arbiter face-palms.

  • Arbiter: "Someone shoot this douche!"
  • Chief: "HAHAHAHAHA / i reel8 2 this gai cuz he's a gaemer liek meh / LOL++1"
  • Josh: "You may have also noticed that I have the secret katana body armor. Thats right I have all the secret Halo-Xbox points. Well, I think I've proven that I know what I'm doing. So let's get started! Be sure to grab a pen and paper to jot down some of my tips!"
  • Chief: "holy fuck! brb!"

Chief runs off to get a pen and paper.

  • Arbiter: "Is this guy for real?"

A gameplay demonstration of one of Josh's tips is shown.

  • Josh: "Now what you're gonna wanna do is always aim for peoples heads. I'll just grab the battle gun and..."

Josh is killed, never hitting his target.

  • Josh: "Whoops! That was a one-off. Let's try this again."
  • Arbiter: "Nevermind, shoot me instead. Anything but having to listen to this asshole!"

Chief is seen making a crude drawing of Josh's demonstration. Titled ,"aem 4 hed".

  • Chief: "man th33se r graet tips"

Later Arbiter is seen reading a book called "The House that Hugh Laurie built".

  • Chief: "ARRRRBITUUR!"

Arbiter comes over to Chief.

  • Chief: "i wrote down all thoze tipz and i still suck dick at hal0"
  • Arbiter: "What a surprise. I'm at least glad that you finally aknowledge that you're pathetic at Halo."
  • Chief: "Will u t33ch meh 2 be gud?"
  • Arbiter: "...Sorry,Chief. I don't think there's any hope for you. You're a lost cause."
  • Chief: "[beat] :( [sad face]"

Scene 2: BlackoutEdit

Chief is seen sadly taking a stroll around the map. He passes a doorway.

Chief backs up to the doorway and sees the Cheater standing in the shadows.

  • Chief: "O HAI"
  • Cheater: "Come here, kid. I have something that might...interest you."
  • Chief: "k"

Chief goes into the room.

  • Cheater: "I couldn't help but overhear your...situation."
  • Chief[fast]: "ya i wanna b bettar @ halo s0 i watched onlien tip videos butt they did't werk so i asked mau frend to help butt he wudn't halp meh cuz he's an asscock-"
  • Cheater: "Yes! I know. I think I have something that could...help you."
  • Chief: "r u srs?"
  • Cheater: "Very. Have you ever herd of...cheats?"
  • Chief: "O / THATS BAD / UR BAD"
  • Cheater: "Fine. I'll find someone else who's interested."

The Cheater starts walking off.

  • Chief: "no w8!"

The Cheater stops and looks at Chief.

  • Chief: "ch33ts u sae?"
  • Cheater: "[evil laugh]"

Scene 3: ValhalaEdit

Arbiter is seen coming out of a cave and looking around. He sees two players doing absolutly nothing.

  • Arbiter: "What the hell? Hey!"

Arbiter goes over to them.

  • Arbiter: "Why isn't anybody playing?"
  • XBL Player 1: "There's no point. There's some asshole in our game with a fucking speedhack."
  • XBL Player 2: "He deleted both the Banshees and jumped up to the top of the base and he's using an aimbot to shoot everyone in the head instantly."

The other player gets sniped. Chief is seen on the tower reloading his Sniper rifle.

  • Chief: "XD"
  • Arbiter: "You've got to be kidding...Chief?"
  • XBL Player 2: "You know this douche?"

The second player gets sniped.

  • Chief: "f33r mai ch33tz / lol"
  • Arbiter: "That does it."

Arbiter goes around the base.

  • Arbiter: "CHIEF! Are you using cheats?"
  • Chief: "[beat] no"
  • Arbiter: "Get down from there right now!"
  • Chief: "NEVAR"
  • Arbiter: "You're gonna get us both banned if you keep this shit up."
  • Chief: "STOP BEING SUCH A PU$$Y"

Chief turns and sees a Bungie employee behind him, who is none too happy upon being face-to-face with Chief.

  • Bungie Employee: "Hey!"
  • Chief: (realizes he's caught) "o fuck"

The Bungie employee melees Chief of the tower.

  • Chief: "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

Chief hits the ground. The Bungie employee jumps down and equips his Ban-hammer, preparing to punish Chief for his little cheating rampage.

  • Arbiter: "Are you with Bungie?"
  • Bungie employee: "That's right. As soon as our anti-cheat measures detected this dickhole he lit up like a fuckin' Christmas tree. [to Chief] So, what do you have to say for yourself, huh? Huh?? How long did you think your little cheating spree was gonna last, you little bitch!?"
  • Chief: "IM SRY IM SRY PLS DONT BAN MEH PLZZZZZZZZZZZ :'((((((((((("

Arbiter looks at the hammer.

  • Arbiter: "Is that the Banhammer?"
  • Bungie employee: "In all its glory."
  • Arbiter: "Right. I suppose it would be out of the question if I asked you to spare him?"
  • Chief: "Plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz?"
  • Bungie employee: "Yes it is. We have a zero-tolerance policy when it comes to cheating."
  • Arbiter: "I understand. It's just that...we share the same account. You'd be banning the two of us. I tried to stop Chief from cheating but he wouldn't listen to me. Is there anything you can do to punish only him and I'll make sure he never does this again?"

The characters dramaticly exchange looks, especially as the Bungie employee looks over Chief's Recon armor and ponders on Arbiter's compromise.

Scene 4: Jon's apartmentEdit

Chief and Arbiter are seen sitting on the couch.

  • Chief: "i can't believ bunjee t00k mai recon / I HAET BUNGIE"
  • Arbiter: "You're lucky you didn't get the two of us banned, you fucking idiot. You deserved it."
  • Chief: "nao i haz no recons adn i still suck ass at hal0"
  • Arbiter: "Let that be a lesson to you."
  • Chief: "0nly 1 opshun nao"

Chief startes another strategy video. Arbiter realizes what he's doing too late to stop him.

  • Arbiter: "Wait, don't-!"

Josh Butterballs is seen on screen.

  • Josh: "Hey, everybody! Once again it's Josh with Stupid Obvious Information Magazine, giving you some Halo 3: Combat Evolved pro tips!"

A gameplay demonstration is seen.

  • Josh: "So when you get the chance what you're gonna wanna do is grab the rocket gun, aim ahead of your moving target, pull the trigger..."

Josh gets blown up.

  • Josh: "...And your enemy will explode like a Flood Carrier form. [Laughs] Get it!? [laughs] We're playing Halo and Flood Carrier form is an enemy from Halo so thats funny 'cause we made a Halo reference! It's just ugh, it's just fuckin' hilarious[laughs]!"
  • Chief: "LOL"

Arbiter just face-palms while Chief keeps watching. Credits roll. The end.

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