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This is the transcript for the Season 6 episode, Cradle to Grave.

Scene 1: Adam's Custom MapEdit

The scene opens with Adam McIntyre driving a mongoose on a forge map that resembles a Race Track. He drives around the entire and lands after driving off a ramp and making a jump.

  • Adam: HAHAHA! Oh yeah baby! You can't touch this!

After Adam lands his mongoose, he resumes driving the track again. Meanwhile a few other players are seen driving mongooses.

  • Adam: I'd tell you fairies to pick up the pace if you stood a chance either way!

Again Adam drives off the ramp and sticks the landing, this time he exits his mongoose. Two other players follow after him.

  • Adam: Yes! Beat your asses again! Suck it down losers, how does it taste?
  • Adam's Friend #1: (unamused) Nice job, Adam.
  • Adam: Your mom did a nice job on me last night!
  • Adam's Friend #1: ...My mom's dead. I told you that, remember?
  • Adam: No shit, how else would I have known to bring extra lube?

The two players stare at him in silence and disbelief.

  • Adam: Hehe, it was a joke, dude! Lighten up for fuck's sake, jesus!

The player with a descesed mother looks down feeling hurt, while the other one looks at him feeling sympathetic. Just then another player is seen crashing near the group while driving a Mongoose. He exits the mongoose and approaches Adam.

  • Adam's Friend #3: Okay Adam, I did 1,000 crouch jumps. Now what do I do?
  • Adam: You see that corner over there? You gotta crouch and hold the left stick forward exactly 1/3 of the way as you walk, into that corner at an exactly 45 degree angle. You gotta hold that for 10 minutes. If you do it for a second more than that, or mess up the angle, or look down at all, you gotta start all over again.

As Adam is talking to the player, they both turn and face the wall where Adam is refering to.

  • Adam's Friend #3: What the hell? Are you sure? That sounds way too hard.
  • Adam: Do you want to unlock "The Golden Warthog" or not dude? I can only show you the path! You must walk it alone, grasshopper!
  • Adam's Friend #3: Have you unlocked it?
  • Adam: Of course I've unlocked it, it's fucking pimp!
  • Adam's Friend #3: Can I see yours?
  • Adam: I can't show you mine dude, unless you unlock it for yourself, it won't show up for you!
  • Adam's Friend #3: If it doesn't show up for anybody who doesn't have it then what's the point of getting it?
  • Adam: What? You don't want it just for yourself? Besides, it only doesn't show up for people on your friend's list. Everybody else can see it.
  • Adam's Friend #3: That doesn't make a lot of sense. Why would it make a difference whether or not people are on my list?
  • Adam: Fine, don't bother, but you're missing out! It goes 20 times the speed, flies around, flips like the Banshee, fires bullets, rockets, and gauss all at the same time, it's so fucking cool!
  • Adam's Friend #3: (sighs) Well how do I know if I'm doing the code right?
  • Adam: You don't, not until you pull it off. Then you turn around and boom, there it is! Spawns directly behind you!

The player looks at the corner Adam was refering too and looks back at Adam once more. Then he goes off to do the formula Adam told him about. Adam looks out to him as he does so.

  • Adam: I believe in you!

Adam turns are faces his friends from before.

  • Adam: Haha! What a retard!

Adam's mom comes in.

  • Mrs. McIntyre: Adam?
  • Adam: (sighs frustratedly) What is it this time, mom? Goddamn, when I heard chicks get their periods once a month, I didn't realize it lasted the ENTIRE FUCKING MONTH!
  • Mrs. McIntyre: Adam, I've reached the end of my rope with you, I have no idea what to do anymore. I'm losing my voice from shouting so much and I don't wanna do it anymore. It's obviously not working anyway. I've even tried rewarding you, for god's sake, giving you presents in the hopes that in return you'd behave yourself, do as you're told, and stop swearing at me! It's obviously not working either. So I'm asking you what can I do? All I want is for us is to be a happy family again we used to be, remember? I remember a long time ago, I use to bounce you on my lap, you were such a happy kid. What happened to him? I had no idea this is where we'd eventually end up, where did we go wrong? Tell me what can I do?

Short pause.

  • Adam: Wow. That was sad. Thanks for embarrassing me in front of my friends. Bang-up job! I'll tell you what you can do: you can get your ass the FUCK back downstairs and bring me up some chocolate milk PRONTO. Oh, and way to go giving up all your power there by the way. Believe it or not, I had a little respect for you up until this point for at least standing your ground. It's long fucking gone now!
  • Mrs. McIntyre: Adam, please!
  • Adam: No wonder dad left you, you fucking spineless bitch!

Long pause. Mrs. McIntyre leaves.

  • Adam: And I'd bring my milk in my Halo slushie cup, and not a glass this time, unless you want another mess to clean up, like you life!

Adam looks up and sees his friends staring at him in silence.

  • Adam: What?
  • Adam's Friend #2: Was that really necessary?
  • Adam: Who asked you anything? But what the hell, I'll indulge. Yes, yes it was. Bitches gotta know their place! Sorry you're too fucking BETA to let that sink in!
  • Adam's Friend #1: I have to speak up here, I really felt that was out of line.
  • Adam: Oh, you felt that was a little out of line, did you? What do you have to fucking say on the matter? Pray tell, I'm all fucking ears!
  • Adam's Friend #2: One of your clan members told me your mom has to scrub away your piss and shit stains because you don't pause the game to get up and go to the bathroom. Don't you think she deserves a little more respect than you're giving her? A lot more in fact?
  • Adam: ...Can I talk to you in private for a second? Over here?

Adam and the friend that called him out walk over to a corner and acitvate their controllers into a private chat.

  • Adam: What the fuck was that?
  • Adam's Friend #2: Me raising a valid point?
  • Adam: Fuck you AND your validity! You ever bring that up again, and I will perma-ban you SO FUCKING FAST your head will spin and drop off! Then I'll boot you a thousand fucking yards into your gay dad's asshole! Are we clear? That's not to say you'll be a loss to this community in any way with your shitty, fucking K.D. Or do you share your account with some blind chimp with autism out the ass or something. Either way it's a fucking disgrace! But you enjoy playing, don't you? You have fun? You wanna keep your online access right? ANSWER ME!!!
  • Adam's Friend #2: Yes.
  • Adam: So you understand?
  • Adam's Friend #2: Yes! I won't bring it up again. Sorry...

Adam turns off his private chat and walks away, passing by the player he tricked earlier, who is walking in the corner as Adam told him to.

  • Adam's Friend #3: Adam, are you sure this is how you unlock it? Can you give me a link to where you found this out and I can read it over?
  • Adam: Yeah,! It's ALL there!

Adam's Friend gets up and faces him, realizing he has been deceived.

  • Adam: It was funny pwning you noobs for the billionth consecutive time, but this cool cat's got get to work!
  • Adam Friend #2: Like, homework?
  • Adam: Nope, well, maybe in a way. All I gotta say is enjoying playing together while you still can cause the end is real FUCKING nigh!

Scene 2: Jon's ApartmentEdit

The opening credits roll. Afterwards, Master Chief is laying on the side of a wall staring at the "Shit List" he and Arbiter made in Remission. Arbiter is then seen carrying a fews strips of paper. He takes one of the stripes and tapes it underneath Kylie's picture, revealing her gamertag: KILLERK1TTEN19

  • Master Chief: 'killar kittin 19'? evin her tag sounds hawt >:3

Arbiter takes another stripe of paper and tapes it underneath Duncan's picture, revealing his gamertag: BACK2THEKITCHEN88

  • Arbiter: 'Back to the Kitchen Eighty-Eight'.
  • Master Chief: LOL
  • Arbiter: This guy sounds like a real charmer. I knew his power weapons and bulky permutations were over-compensating for something.

Arbiter takes another stripe of paper and tapes it underneath Adam's picture, revealing his gamertag: Oo_PuFf_Da_ChR0n1k_420_oO

  • Master Chief: 'puff da chr0nik 420'? arbitur wat is 'da chr0nik'?
  • Arbiter: Sigh. Heaven save us from obnoxious gamer pot-heads. Though I'm willing to bet money this poser hasn't even gone near the stuff. Yet still probably always played COD exclusively with the 'blunt ops' call sign. And finally...

Arbiter takes the last stripe of paper and tapes it underneath Clyde's picture, revealing his gamertag: MILFHUNTER69

  • Master Chief: hhahahahahah
  • Arbiter: I honestly can't decide which is the lamest. 'Killer Kitten Nineteen' is passable but the others are spectacularly moronic.
  • Master Chief: wat is you talking about, those naems is ossim, ossim possim. hay arbitur?
  • Arbiter: (turns and faces Chief) What?
  • Master Chief: does u noes y they didnt they kiled us in teh TOSERS servars?
  • Arbiter: Do you listen to yourself speak? Take a second to at least shit out a solid sentence instead of just splattering me with your verbal diarrhea.
  • Master Chief: stfu
  • Arbiter: (turns and faces the Shit List) We were evenly matched. Those hack files gave us all or most of their abilities. Sure, they probably could've killed us both, but not without us taking at least one of them out. I don't think they were willing to sacrifice any man-power to their following plans. They might have been if they knew we had their tags. Biggest mistake they ever made.
  • Master Chief: so who does we killed 1st?
  • Arbiter: Common sense is telling me to cut the head off of this monster first, then pick off the others as they scatter.

Arbiter points at Clyde's picture.

  • Arbiter: I have the feeling this guy's the leader. But against better judgment I have the overwhelming urge to immediately waste this sinister Huggies-wearing fuck.

Arbiter then points to Adam's picture as he's talking.

  • Arbiter: Thoughts?
  • Master Chief: cant we goes 2 teh chick 1st?
  • Arbiter: Why? Because we've put a hit out on her or because you just wanna hit on her?
  • Master Chief: :P mebbeh
  • Arbiter: She'll go down later.
  • Master Chief: I HOPED SO
  • Arbiter: The kid goes first. I'll set everything up.

Arbiter walks away, preparing his manhunt for Adam.

  • Arbiter: Good thing he loves chronic so much, he's in for a chronic ass-kicking.

The scene then cuts to black after Arbiter walks off screen.

Scene 3: Sword BaseEdit

The scene opens back up with Adam facing two players on a bridge in Sword Base. One is green with blue attachments, another is blue with yellow attachments.

  • Online Player #1: This kid can't ban us, he's full of shit.
  • Adam: You think I'm bluffing?
  • Online Player #1: Yes.

Adam fires his rocket at the green player, killing and fragging him simultaneously.

  • Adam: Go ahead, text your boyfriend! Phone, MSN, whatever, you won't be able to reach him through the dash anymore! Ask him if he can sign in, I'll wait.

Adam reloads his rocket while the blue player looks down, trying to contact his friend.

  • Adam: Well?
  • Online Player #2: Okay, I guess you can ban people. Congratulations. You must feel so proud of yourself.
  • Adam: I'm on top of the world, bitch! So you tell me why I should let you keep your account, convince me!
  • Online Player #2: "Convince" you?
  • Adam: That's what I said.
  • Online Player #2: Because I pay my annual fee and you have absolutely no right to do what you're doing?
  • Adam: You can do better than that, surely! I'm starting to get the impression you don't care too much whether or not you lose it!
  • Online Player #2: Which planet are you from where those aren't good reasons? What, you want me to beg you, is that it? Come on man.
  • Adam: You wanna be able to keep playing? Demonstrate! Say "Please Adam, Please Adam who's super awesome, let me keep my account!"
  • Online Player #2: I can't fucking believe this, are you for real?
  • Online Player #2: ...Please Adam.
  • Adam: "Please Adam" what?
  • Online Player #2: Please Adam, let me keep my Acco--
  • Adam: No, no! "Please Adam who's super awesome!"
  • Online Player #2: Oh, fuck off!
  • Adam: SAY IT!!

Arbiter is seen approaching Adam from behind him.

  • Online Player #2: Please Adam who's super awesome...
  • Adam: Kay, now say the whole thing!
  • Online Player #2: You're just gonna ban me anyway, aren't you!
  • Adam: Not necessarily!
  • Online Player #2: (sighs) Please Adam who's super awesome, let me keep my account.
  • Adam: ...NO!

Adam laughs childishly as he points his rocket at the player. Arbiter is now behind Adam.

  • Arbiter: Hey asswipe.

Adam turns and faces Arbiter. With the distraction, the blue player turns and leaves.

  • Adam: Hey! Come back here!

Adam fires his rocket at the blue player, but he narrowly misses and the blue player gets away. Adam reloads his rocket.

  • Adam: I'm getting so sick and tired of running into you scrotum suckers, you know that?!
  • Arbiter: Pot, meet kettle. And no, I'm not referring to 'da chronic'.

Arbiter and Adam approach one another.

  • Adam: What the fuck? You can see my tag?
  • Arbiter: Unfortunately. As if your personality wasn't childish enough.
  • Adam: So, you got a hold of hacks huh?
  • Arbiter: Yeah.
  • Adam: Nice job, what's your plan now? I'l give you the benefit of the dought and not assume you're here to waste me, because that would be fucking "Ridonculous"! I won't insult your intellegence.
  • Arbiter: It's not required, but good practice to develop intelligence before you insult it anyway. Didn't you get the memo? What do you plan on doing with your vast and imminent free time? Bouncing through the hood with your homies, puffing and passing and capping fools with your nine? You're from the streets, right?
  • Adam: What the fuck would you know? I'm one bad gangster-ass motha fucka! G-G-G-G G-UNIT!
  • Arbiter: Jesus... What's to know about you? There can't be much if you're yet to drop a ball. And I'm not referring to 'sinking baskets' either, player.
  • Adam: Think again! You're mom thoroughly enjoyed sucking them dry the other night!
  • Arbiter: Wow, the human version of Chief. The two fo you would get along like a house on fire. I only pray you'd both be inside it at the time.

As Arbiter is talking, Chief sneaks up behind Adam, preparing to frag him. Adam quickly catches on and turns around to see Chief, who backs away.

  • Adam: HEY! Fuck off!

Adam prepares to fire a rocket at Chief, but Arbiter begins shooting at him with his Magnum. Adam quickly activates a Drop Shield and jumps off the bridge they were standing on. Adam then runs as Chief continues firing at him.

  • Master Chief: ASDFJKL; CUM BACK H33R HOMO :(
  • Arbiter: Son of the bitch! After him!

Arbiter and Chief hop off the bridge and persue Adam. Adam runs towards a red-lite room and stops.

  • Adam: To hell with this shit, I'm out of here!

Adam quits out of the game. Arbiter and Chief follow after Adam into the room he hid inside of. By the time they get there he is gone. Master Chief shoots at the ceiling as he enters.

  • Arbiter: Fuck.

Arbiter looks around, thinking and plotting out where might be next.

Scene 4: Adam's Custom MapEdit

The scene cuts to Adam's Friend (the one who Adam threatened earlier,) playing on Adam's Custom Map. He boards a Mongoose and prepares to go riding, but then he turns and sees Adam approaching him.

  • Adam's Friend #2: Hey Adam, I thought you were working or whatever.
  • Adam: Yeah well, I had so much fun whooping your asses today that I felt like coming back for a little more. You got a problem with that?!

Suddenly, Arbiter and Chief spawn directly behind Adam. Adam turns around and sees them.

  • Arbiter: No, but you do. You've whipped your last ass already. The next one's your own.
  • Master Chief: then ur moms, lololol ;)
  • Adam: Damnit, can't you guys just fuck off?!
  • Arbiter: Don't sweat it. I promise as soon as we've bumped yor soiled ass from the grid you'll never see us again.

Adam loads his Rocket Launcher and fires it at them. Arbiter runs for cover by a Warthog and Chief follows him, narrowly missing a rocket being launched at him. Adam fires another rocket and destroys a nearby Warthog. Arbiter comes out from hiding and begins firing at Adam with his DMR.

  • Adam: SHIT!!

Adam takes cover behind a nearby Warthog and reloads his rocket. Arbiter continues to fire at Adam while he's hiding besides the Warthog and gradually the Warthog is destroyed. Adam then runs for the Mongoose that his friend had boarded.

  • Adam: Beat it fudge-packer!

Adam kills his friend with a melee kill in order to knock him off the Mongoose and drives away on it himself. Chief tries to hit Adam with his Assault Rifle but is too late. Master Chief then jumps into the driver side of another nearby Warthog.

  • Master Chief: ima drieve k arbitur? k? k.
  • Arbiter: I'd be all for that if we were heading down to the island. I'm driving.

Arbiter boards the driver side of the Warthog and kills Chief with a melee kill, hijacking the driver's side in his place. Chief quickly respawns and boards the passenger side instead.

  • Master Chief: omg >:( arbitur y u such a buthed?
  • Arbiter: I'm doing you a favor. You get the pleasure fo lighting this kid's ass up.
  • Master Chief: :D arbitur u is ossim, ossim possim
  • Arbiter: Time to put that newfound skill of yours to the test.

As Arbiter and Chief are talking, Arbiter drives the Warthog and chases after Adam in the Mongoose. Chief then changes his weapon to a rocket and fires it at Adam, missing.

  • Master Chief: FUCK
  • Arbiter: What the hell was that? Come on, you can do better.
  • Master Chief: SHUT UP

Chief fires another rocket at Adam and misses again, hitting the rim of the race track.

  • Arbiter: Wait, I know, try aiming. See if that works.
  • Master Chief: fuck u this is hardar than mai dick when im @ ur moms hosue
  • Arbiter: I hope I don't have to tell you to lead ahead of your target.
  • Master Chief: k ill tried taht
  • Arbiter: For fuck's sake, Chief.
  • Master Chief: wat

Adam drives off the ramp and again sticks his landing on the road below. Arbiter and Chief drive off the side of the ramp, flipping in the air. Chief then fires his rocket again and this time is successful, destroying the Mongoose Adam was driving in.

  • Adam: SHIT BALLS!!
  • Master Chief: yyyaaaaayyyy
  • Arbiter: Wow, nice shot. That was pretty bad-ass.
  • Master Chief: :)

Adam quickly escapes the wreckage and runs away. Arbiter and Chief exit the Warthog and continue after him. Adam stops just as he reaches the edge of a platfoam dangling above a lake below. Adam then turns around and faces Arbiter and Chief, approaching and cornering him from escaping.

  • Arbiter: Play-time's over, junior. Time for bed.
  • Adam: Can whoever the fuck is the host, Please pull their thumb from their anus and kick these asswipes?!

Adam's friend from before returns, driving another Mongoose. He lands from the ramp, exits the Warthog, and approaches the group.

  • Adam's Friend #2: I've tried a few times already, it hasn't done anything, I have no idea why. Who are these guys?
  • Adam: Their TOSERS Moderators, which probably explains why!
  • Adam's Friend #2: TOSERS? I thought that crap was over and done with.
  • Adam: It is. Me and my clan took a chainsaw to that faggot tree!
  • Arbiter: And now it's coming down to crush you.
  • Adam: Wow, good one.
  • Arbiter: I thought it was okay. What do you think, Chief? Was that alright?
  • Master Chief: i gots a way moar beter 1 arbitur
  • Arbiter: Oh yeah?
  • Master Chief: YEP, UR MOTHERS A WHORE, LOL
  • Arbiter: Nice.
  • Adam: Yeah no shit, tell me something I don't know already. You forgot "retarded!"
  • Master Chief: yeh that 2
  • Arbiter: Is that really your opinion of your mom? The woman who suffered bringing you into this world and raising you?
  • Adam: I never asked to be here.
  • Arbiter: Nobody does. Life is what it is. From cradle to grave.
  • Adam: Speaking of "grave," fill these clowns with lead please.

Arbiter and Chief lock and load their weapons, ready to fire at Adam and his friend. Adam prepares to fire at Arbiter and Chief.

  • Adam: Peace out, losers!

Adam's Friend does not respond or move. Adam turns and faces him.

  • Adam: Um, I'm pretty sure my mic is on, I said shoot them!

Adam's Friend turns and faces him.

  • Adam's Friend #2: No.
  • Adam: "No?" What do you mean "No?" You bitches do whatever the fuck I tell you to do!
  • Adam's Friend #2: ...We're through.
  • Arbiter: Hahaha. Pathetic.
  • Adam: Fine, to hell with you guys! I'll do it myself!

Mrs. McIntyre returns

  • Mrs. McIntyre: Adam?
  • Adam: GOD!! WHAT IS IT NOW?! ...Who are you?
  • Mrs. McIntyre: Adam, this is Mr. Jones and you're going to be taking a trip with him.
  • Adam: "Taking a trip?" Bitch, are you fucking high? Who is this dude?!
  • Gordon Jones: My name is Gordon Jones and I'm a Corrections Officer, your mother has arranged for you to come with me.
  • Adam: "Corrections Officer?" Accompany you where, what the hell is this? Mom, you gonna tell me what the fuck is going on?!
  • Gordon Jones: Adam, you gonna need to turn off your game, get your things together, and come with me right now.
  • Adam: Don't touch me you fucking pedophile! I bet you want me to suck you off or some sick shit! I'm not going anywhere!
  • Gordon Jones: You are, and I'll have you dragged out here if need be.
  • Adam: Oh yeah? You and what army?!
  • Gordon Jones: The police.
  • Mrs. McIntyre: Adam, please don't make a fuss. This will be good for you. I promise, I promise it will.
  • Adam: What will?! Where's this asshole taking me?!
  • Mrs. McIntyre: A Correctional Facility.It's-It's for the best, Adam.
  • Mrs. McIntyre: I dunno what else I can do Adam, I've tried everything.
  • Master Chief: lololololololololol
  • Arbiter: Hahaha, holy crap. This is glorious.
  • Adam: Mom, please! Listen to me! I'm sorry! I'm really sorry okay? Please don't fucking send me-- I'm mean, please don't send me to Juvy please! I'll be good! I'll be good from now on, I promise! Just get rid of this guy, things will be good again just like you remember it! I swear! I swear to god okay?!
  • Mrs. McIntyre: I'm sorry Adam.
  • Gorgon Jones: Lets go Adam, come on.
  • Adam: NO! Mom! Please don't send me away I'm begging you! I'm FUCKING begging you okay?! You win! I've learned my lesson! What more do you want?!
  • Mrs. McIntyre: You're going with Officer Jones to this Correctional Facility and that's final.
  • Adam: But I don't need to go, you're overreacting! Ask my friends, I'm cool! I'm fine! They'll voutch for me! Guys, tell her! Tell my mom I don't need to be taken anywhere! Tell her I'm cool! Tell her everything's cool!

Arbiter, Master Chief, and Adam's Friend don't respond.

  • Adam: Tell her!! TELL, HER!! What are you waiting for?! Come on! Speak up!

Arbiter, Master Chief, and Adam's Friend still don't respond.

  • Adam: NOW!!
  • Adam's Friend #2: Lock his ass up and swallow the key, Mrs. McIntyre. You're son's an asshole. Hopefully now he'll stop shitting his pants.
  • Arbiter: Pardon?
  • Adam's Friend #2: He has "nintenditis," he's so addicted to playing that he never gets up to go to the bathroom. He just goes in his chair.
  • Arbiter: Are you kidding me?
  • Master Chief: ROFLMAO
  • Arbiter: You need to grow the fuck up.
  • Adam's Friend #2: Okay when you're thrown in your cell, You gotta do 1,000 croutch jumps and walk into the corner at an exactly 45 degree angle--
  • Gordon Jones: Let's go, now.
  • Arbiter: In all seriousness Adam, I hope your new circumstances help you turn your life around for the better. You might be outraged now, but you'll be grateful for them one day.
  • Master Chief: no u
  • Arbiter: How fitting for 'Puff Da Chronic' to go up in smoke.

As Adam was shouting his last lines, he is heard being taken away down the hall in his house as his voice is getting more and more hollow. As he is finished shouting, Arbiter pulls out his Magnum, he fires at Adam several times until finally Adam is killed, and consequently fragbanned. Master Chief then runs up to Adam's body and teabags his corpse. All while Adam's Friend watches on, doing nothing to stop them.

  • Arbiter: Good luck, kid. Come on, Chief.

Arbiter turns and leaves, while Master Chief stops teabagging Adam and follows after Arbiter. Adam's Friend still watches as they both leave.

  • Arbiter: Three more to go.
  • Master Chief: >:D

A final shot of Adam's body is seen overhead, then cuts to his head lying and Arbiter and Chief walking away side-by-side

End Credits.

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