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TranscriptEdit

Scene 1: "Mai Noobz"Edit

Viewer discretion warning is shown. The Open credits are shown in a parody of Clockwork Orange.

Chief is seen sitting on the chair with his face darkened, the screen slowly zooms out from him.


  • Chief: "HELLO I AM MASTUR CHEEF LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL  /  unliek most of u pathetick bitch3z i g0t a max3d out fri3ndz list  /  a handfuls of them r mai n00bs  /  these r todd  /  kyle  /  and tucker  /  but gone r the days we refer to each others bai our real naemz  /  DIGITAL AGE FUCKERS  /  GET W/ IT OR GTFO ALREADY  /  I HATE YOU FUCKING OLD PEOPLE  /  mai n00bz and i hav a partickuler taest 4 camping  /  and spam  /  and espeshialy armer abiblities  /  they set us up g00d and propar 4 a bit of teh old ultra lulz"


Chief and "His Noobs" are seen slowly walking down the map Boardwalk.


  • Chief: "guess what faggots  /  skill meens jack shit  /  all u got 2 do 2 win is expl0it everythign u posibly can as much as u can  /  WE DOES JUST THAT  /  AND WE DOMINAET / WE OWN MATCHMAEKING  /  SUCK ON IT"


The screen centers on Todd.


  • Chief: "when he d0esnt have s0ccer practise or his m0m isnt beign a fucking whore  /  soccerkid01 k33ps it r3al w/ us in hal0  /  where it all counts"


Todd is seen using the jet pack and shooting some other players.


  • Chief: "soccerkid01 adn karmapolice r both high all th3 tiem  /  but w/ soccerkid its only cause  /  liek teh rest of us  /  he nevar has his fingar off left bumper"
  • Todd: "Hey mom look, they can't get me, I'm using jet pack! Mom! Mom look!  (gets fragged in-game)  Look bitch!"


The screen centers on Kyle.


  • Chief: "larmapolice is kinda fucked up LOL  /  hes high all the tiem forrealz  /  he has an appartment w/ 1 chair  /  an xbox  /  and a telivisien  /  he only stops playign halo 2 drink m0ar cough syrup  /  never goes 0utside  /  good foar him  /  nothign out there n e wae  /  yet  /  metalically  /  descriebs any tiem he plays hal0 as "goign on anothar camping trip"."


Kyle is seen camping with invisability and killing another player.


  • Chief: "he'll srsly wait for houers  /  ive nevar s33n somebodeh camp as much as he does  /  NOT EVEN ME"


The screen centers on Tucker.


  • Chief: "KingBoo666  /  6 yrs old  /  almost 7 tho  /  apppropriately named aftar teh gh0sts frum sonic sinse he just spams hologram and constintly kills ppl from beyond teh grave"


Tucker is seen activating hologram and running away.


  • Chief: "ecksept when he sees u he runs liek a bitch"


The screen centers on Chief.


  • Chief: "and mee?  /  i dont do anythign speshial "


Chief stops walking and goes into armor lock.


  • Chief: "IM JUST INVINCIBEL  /  ROFLMAO!!1!11one!1"

Scene 2: Jon's ApartmentEdit

Chief is seen on the chair playing Reach. Arbiter is next to him wanting a turn.

  • Chief [to XBL player]: "ow / stop / butthead :("
  • Arbiter: "My turn already. Off."
  • Chief: "NO / lol l00k arbitur / im pwning everybody"

Chief's game is shown. He isn't actually doing anything, he's just taunting players by shooting at them and then going into armor lock.

  • Chief: "ROFL FALAFLES / lol u cant touch this / hahahaha / forgot 2 tell u im invinsible"
  • Arbiter: "You play like such a wimp, man. Holy shit."

Arbiter tries to grab the controller.

  • Chief: "no / u vrs meh then / meh and mai noobz"
  • Arbiter: "'Your noobs'? sounds about right."
  • Chief: "ITS METALLIC MORON / wer acshely liek fucking pro / srsly" 
  • Arbiter: "I think you mean "ironic". And your not pro,you suck. You suck hard. I don't think anyone sucks harder than you."
  • Chief: "then verse meh and mai noobs / u win and you can hav teh xbox for rest of week "
  • Arbiter: "[beat] I certainly hope you can go that long without invasion."
  • Chief: "g00d thing i wont n33d 2"
  • Arbiter: "...Haha."

Scene 3: BoardwalkEdit

Chief and and the others have assembled and Arbiter walks over to them, carrying only a Magnum.

  • Chief: "lol magnem and sprint? thats it?"
  • Arbiter: "It's all I need."
  • Chief: "srsly?"
  • Todd: "[laughs] Hey, mom there's this guy who thinks he can beat us like a real-life guy. I'm playing online on the internet. Mom, get off your ass! Look!"
  • Arbiter: "Let's do this."
  • Chief: "ur writing a chek that ur a$$ cant cash buddeh"

Arbiter loads his magnum.

  • Arbiter: "I'm good for it."
  • Chief: "hahhahahaha"

Todd takes off into the air, Kyle goes to find a hiding place, Tucker fires his grenade launcher and Chief goes into Armor lock. Arbiter backs down the stairs and Todd attacks him.

  • Todd: "I see him. I've got him. He's dead. He's dead. Oh my god, you're dead, stop fighting back already. Higher ground wins. It's like the first rule of military training or whatever."
  • Arbiter: "Not if you can't aim worth a fuck."

Arbiter shoots him out of the air.

  • Todd: "No! No mom, don't look! I wasn't playing for real!"

Arbiter moves into the maintenance area, Kyle cloaks when he sees Arbiter.

  • Arbiter: "No point in cloaking if I know where you are already."

Arbiter kills Kyle. Arbiter comes out and Tucker attacks him. Tucker fires a grenade, activates hologram and runs away. The hologram passes Arbiter and he sneaks up and around behind Tucker.

  • Arbiter: "Try the guns out, too. They're fun."

Arbiter kills Tucker. Chief comes down the stairs and attacks.

  • Chief: "LOLOLOL / UR OUT  OF UR FUCKIGN LEEG SON"

Arbiter fires until Chief's shields go down and he goes into armor lock.

  • Chief: "ROFL / im invinsible remembir?"
  • Arbiter: "You're just delaying the inevitable. I can wait."
  • Chief: "roflmao / skill meens jack shit / we own matchmaeking..."

​Chief unlocks and Arbiter kills him.

  • Arbiter: "...Suck on it."

Arbiter shoots Chief's corpse, reloads and starts to walk away.

  • Arbiter: "Good game, Noobs. [beat] I could sure go for some Invasion."

Credits roll. The end.

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