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TranscriptEdit

Opening credits roll.

Arbiter and Chief are seen on the kitchen counter. A mug with a note that says: "teh mastur cheef :D foundayshun" is seen in the background.

  • Arbiter:"Yep, we're on the kitchen counter again today. I know what you're all thinking."This show is so fucking wild!" You never know where we'll end up next."
  • Chief:"S0 RANDUM XD"
  • Arbiter:"We strongly recommend pausing the show at brief ten second intervals to keep your brain from exploding. I hope your knuckles have healed and you've fixed up your walls windows and grandmothers faces since last weeks short video. You wanna kick this off?"

Arbiter sees the mug and takes a closer look.

  • Arbiter:"What the fuck is this?"
  • Chief:"lol"
  • Arbiter:""The Master Chief Happy face foundation?" This better be a gag."
  • Chief:"tahts wat ur m0m sed last nite"
  • Arbiter:"Very funny. Not the joke, I mean the implication that she'd even come close to gagging on your tiny cock."
  • Chief:"FUCK U"
  • Arbiter:"To hell with famine and earthquake relief. As long as you have enough pizza and zero fucking responsibilities the world can rest easy."
  • Chief:"plz ppls / >:I [ serious face] 4 a seckind,k? >:I plz / ill gived u a second [beat] r u >:I? if u cud just finds it in ur hearts 2 donaet 100 dollerz a month u can maek meh vereh vereh :D / and if u doesnt wana then 2 bad lol u has 2 so plzkthxbie"
  • Arbiter:"I'm starting my own fund. "The Master Chief sad face foundation". If I get enough donations I'll beat your ass up and down this apartment."
  • Chief:":( / NO / u cant haz no monni3z! teh monnies r all mien! gimm33 all ur moniez"
  • Arbiter:"That was a joke, by the way. Don't send either of us money. A few people have actually sent us one dollar or ten dollars through paypal. We appreciate your support but we can't accept. Aside from your time spent watching ads we don't expect anyone to pay to see us."
  • Chief:"um yes we does / GIMM33 A HUNDRED BUCKS OR ILL SLIT UR FUCKING THROATS U SUNS A BITCHEZ"
  • Arbiter:"Shut up and read what you've got there."

Chief reads the mail.

  • Chief:""hi. I drew this for you Chief, ryan." :0 [surprised face] / they're is a pic attached"
  • Arbiter:"Let's see it."

A drawing of a penis wearing a Master Chief helmet and holding a gun is shown.

  • Chief:"WTF?"
  • Arbiter:"Wow. That photo realism could sure give Grand Tourismo a run for it's money."
  • Chief:"THIS SUPPOSED 2 BE FUNNY RYAN?!"
  • Arbiter:"You gotta loosen up, man. You're lokking a little stiff in this picture."

Chief angrily approaches the screen.

  • Chief:"NOT FUCKING COOL / ILL KILLED U BITCH / WHO TEH HELL DRAWS DICKS N E WAYS TAHTS FUCKING GAY"
  • Arbiter:"Come again? Ryan couldn't hold a goddamn candle to you,Chief. Why, you're the duke. The duke of dicks."

Chief sits down.

  • Chief:"BUTT WEN I DRAW DIX ITS FUNNEH 11111+++++/"
  • Arbiter:"And this isn't funny?"
  • Chief:"not when its abot meh obviously u fucking retart"
  • Arbiter:"Right. How stupid of me."
  • Chief:"its k its not ur folts / its k arbitur / its just kinda annoying how retartid u r sumtiems"

Arbiter looks at the ground and jumps.

  • Arbiter:"Hmm. I can't if the immense force pushing us to the ground is gravity or irony."
  • Chief:"y w00d ther be irons in teh air taht doesnt even maed sense dumass"

Arbiter reads.

  • Arbiter:"This one's from Tom." What happend to Chiefs brain?" What brain?"
  • Chief:"dont wry abot it bitch / brayns r 4 loserz / ALL THAT MATTERS IS TAHT MAI DICK IS A BILLION TIEMS BIGGER THAN URS FAGG0T"
  • Arbiter:"Keep that in mind for next time, Tom.Thanks for your Hypermail."

Chief reads the next one.

  • Chief:"LOL WUT? WALL OF TEXT"
  • Arbiter:"What counts as a wall of text for you? Two sentences or three?"
  • Chief:""Dear Master Chief. The results of your latest health screening have come out. We regret to inform you that you have contracted dick cancer as a result of excesive sexual activity." omg / "We will call you at a later date to arrange for a date we can come to your house to castrate you to stablize your condition." arbitur wats castrate m33n?"
  • Arbiter:"Free cake and Ice cream."
  • Chief:"Hoooray / :) [smiley face] taht dusnt s33m so bad / i should hav been castraeted a long tiem ago"
  • Arbiter:"You're telling me."
  • Chief:"" In the meantime please refrain from all sexual activity to prevent your condition from detiriorating further."
  • Arbiter:"Yes we wouldn't want your terrible condition to detiriorate, would we?"
  • Chief:"shut ^[up] 4 a sec / " This condition is untreatable and we expect that you will only survive for six months. You have our condolences. Sincerely, The Canadian Hospital for incurible retarts."

Chief tries to hand the mail to Arbiter.

  • Chief:"w8 i think this is 4 u lol"
  • Arbiter:"Nope, that's definetly yours."
  • Chief:"[beat] :'( [ crying face] / i has dick cansir?"

Ryans drawing is shown again.

  • Arbiter:"That would explain your hexagonal balls."
  • Chief:"butt y meh arbitur? y does i get dick cancer? i doesnt wantid dick cansir / :((((((((((((( [ super sad face]"

Arbiter goes and puts a hand on Chiefs shoulder.

  • Arbiter:"It's okay, Chief. Maybe they'll find a cure in time."
  • Chief:"i n33d ur hundrid dollerz moar than ever gaiz / k u gaiz? just pls donaet 2 teh mastur ch33f :D foundayshun and halp put a stop 2 mai dick cansir 2day"
  • Arbiter:"On that bombshell I think we'll end this episode. See you next time. Thanks for tuning in and please send your thoughts to arbiterandchief@gmail.com."
  • Chief:"@ l33st its not suuuupar dick cansir / butt hao am i gonna pound teh pussy nao arbitur?"
  • Arbiter:"What do you mean now? You couldn't get pussy if you fell in a barrel of it."
  • Chief:"NO U"

Credits roll. The end.

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