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TranscriptEdit

Scene 1: Jon's ApartmentEdit

Viewer Discretion Warning is advised. Opening credits roll.


*Arbiter and Chief are seen playing Resident Evil 5*

  • Chief: "AW HAIL NAW / not this nutsack agen"

*Uroboros Mkono is seen heading for them*

  • Arbiter: "There's no incinerator this time. How the are we supposed to kill this douche?"

*cut to a flamethrower that finishes refueling*

  • Arbiter: "Well thats conveniant. If it weren't for this flame thrower we'd be swimming up shit creek without bathing suits."
  • Chief: "DIBS"

Chief grabs the flame thrower.

  • Chris Redfield [in-game]: "Flame on, asshole!"
  • Arbiter: "Haha! Oh my god, that was so lame! Hang on, I think I have to shoot one of these things when he's close."

Arbiter shoots at several propane tanks near the creature but he keeps missing.

  • Chief: "u suck / p00r prefoarmance ind33d"
  • Arbiter: "Aiming is kind of hard when you're smaller then the fucking controller."

Arbiter manages to hit a propane tank.

  • Arbiter: "Kay. Burn him."

Chief starts torching the creature.

  • Chief: "COMPL33T / GLOEBL / SATURASHUN / u want mai opini0n? u shud ligthan up / flaem on / ur fierd / get a light"
  • Arbiter: "Fire joke."

Chief keeps burning the creature but it doesn't seem to be taking damage.

  • Chief: "DIE ALREDY FAGG0T"
  • Arbiter: "Are we supposed to shoot him or something or just keep burning him?"
  • Chief: "this is gay"
  • Arbiter: "This is more repetative than all those Resident Evil 5 reviews on the internet. Well...almost."

Scene 2: March 12,2009Edit

Earlier that month Arbiter is listening to a Resident Evil 5 review by Josh Butterballs on the internet.

  • Josh Butterballs: "Resident Evil 5 is a beautiful game. But sadly, Capcom has made it stray from the survival/horror genre that the previous games of the Resident Evil series themselves define. Third-person-shooter fans will be pleased though as Resident Evil 5 is a well polished game.It's just not scary. All the Resident Evil games are known for being scary..."

Twenty-five minutes later Arbiter is seen slouching with two empty beer cans near him.

  • Josh:"...But what you have to remember about Resident Evil 5 is that it's just not scary which will disappoint fans of the series who picked up the game hoping for a good scare. The game is ,however, very fun to play even though it's not scary..."

Two weeks later Arbiter has left entirely and several empty beer cans now litter the couch.

  • Josh:"The game features an excellent replay ability and is very enjoyable despiter not being scary witch has become expected of the Resident Evil franchise after the previous games. Resident Evil 5 is very fun and features pleanty those.Those who wish to be scared however are out of luck as the game just isn't that scary. This is Josh Butterballs with Stupid Obvious Information magazine and thank you for watching our review of Resident Evil 5. [beat] Resident Evil 5 is fun but it's not scary but it's fun but it's not scary but it's fun but it's not scary! I'm saying the same shit over and over again! I'm a douchebag I'm a douchebag I'm a douchebag!"

Scene 3: ValhalaEdit

Arbiter comes out of one of the the bases and heads for the center of the map.

  • XBL players:"Down with Resident Evil five! Down with Resident Evil five! Down with Resident Evil five!"

Arbiter sees the two players chanting.

  • Arbiter:"Damn. Why can't I find a decent game of Halo these days?"

He walks over to them.

  • XBL players:"Down with Resident Evil five! Down with Resident Evil five!"
  • Arbiter:"Hey, what's all this about?"
  • XBL player 1:"We are protesting against Resident Evil five. Wait, are you the Arbiter?"
  • Arbiter:"Yeah that's my name. How did you know?"
  • XBL player 2:"Oh, your friend just joined our cause. He said that you're a harsh spunk-chuger and that you'd probably come along to kill his buzz as usual."

Chief runs up and joins the group.

  • Chief:"down w/ residint eval fievs"
  • Arbiter:"Oh for gods sake.What the hell are you doing here? You were just playing Resident Evil five with me twenty minutes ago you hipocrite!"
  • XBL player 1:"It's not hard to see the light once you're pointed in the right direction."
  • Arbiter:"The only direction this degenerate should be heading is whichever leads to the nearest back alley surgeon for an ice pick-lobotomy."
  • Chief:"wats an ice dink r0bot monn3y /+?"
  • Arbiter:"And may I ask what would "the light" metaphoricly be reffering to in this instance?"
  • XBL player 1:"The realization that Resident Evil five is racist and insensitive."
  • Arbiter:"I figured as much. I also respectfully disagree."
  • Chief:"rasist! g0 back 2 franse hitler!"
  • Arbiter:"I am not racist and you're not even comparing me to Hitler it the right context. He wasn't french either,asswipe."
  • XBL player 1:" So you support the idea of an american sterotype murdering countless africans on thier own soil?"
  • Arbiter:"I didn't hear anyone complain when countless spanish villagers were being shot in the face by Resident Evil four's Leon Kennedy. I'm just upholding that one group of people shouldn't be valued over another."
  • XBL player 1:"I understand where you stand on this but with all due respect considering Africa's state of affairs relative to that of Spain's I'd hardly call portaying the place in such a way a harmless move."

Arbiter lowers his head in sad thought.

  • XBL player 1:"Desease, famine and civil war are very real issues over there among others. If you won't agree that the game is racist will you agree that it's ,at the very least, insensitive?"

There is a long silence.

  • Chief:"YEH / WAT HE SED / hay l00k u gaiz!"

Chief runs to a nearby box.

  • Chief:"this b0x is chris / this r CHIS REDFEELD / il c u ded!"
  • Arbiter:"He's been quoting Wesker lines all day."

Chief melees the box's lid off.

  • Chief:"that lid wer chris's hed / no / his p3nis / i facon punched his penis 0ff! u'v punch3d ur last bouldar chris!"

Scene 4:The next dayEdit

Chief is seen looking at his Resident Evil 5 inventory.

  • Chief:" CHEK IT OTU BITCH / i haz bettar gunz than u"
  • XBL player:"Thats because you're using the "rotten egg" glitch like everyone else you dickwad."
  • Chief:"suck mai cyb0rg cock"

Chief notice Arbiter sitting in the corner of the couch.

  • Chief:"wats ur problem?"
  • Arbiter:"Just thinking to myself. That guy made a really good point. Africa is currently struggling with numerous terrible problems. Why didn't I think of that? I don't want to be insensitive."

Arbiter is later seen returning to the protesters on Valhala.

  • Arbiter:"Hey, guys."
  • XBL player 1:"Hey,friend. Have you decided to stand alongside us?"
  • Arbiter:"I haven't , although while I disagree that the game is racist I do see how it could be considered insensitive. My view is purely from and entertainment standpoint. I don't condone murder but as it turns out killing people in video games is downright fun and I think the victims that fall to our pixilated bloodlust ought to be anyone of any race. I can see how the release of a game like Resident Evil five may be like slapping a sunburn to some, but removing certain races from equal digital punisment and focusing on our differences is only holding us back in the longrun from, as ironic as this may sound, loving one another."

The protesters silently think about what Arbiter said.

  • Arbiter:"Capcom's story takes place in Africa and I truly believe that they developed the game without the intention of offending anybody. What do you guys say we aknowledge Africa's unfortunate state of affairs but just enjoy the game for what it is?"
  • XBL player 1:"[beat] Maybe he's right. We took things a little too far with this in-game protesting."
  • XBL player 2:"Yeah."

Chief comes over.

  • Chief:"R U DOEN W/ UR FAGG0TY PROTEST?"
  • XBL player 1:"Hey,fuck you!"
  • Chief:"no thnx / ur m0m alredy obliged"
  • Arbiter:"Come on,Chief."

Arbiter starts pushing Chief away.

  • Chief:"asshoel"

The next day.

Arbiter is seen preparing to play Resident Evil five.

  • Arbiter:"Chief! Come play Resident Evil five with me!"
  • Chief:"infinet ammos?"
  • Arbiter:"No."
  • Chief:"fuck u th3n"
  • Arbiter:"Come on, I need that SDAA emblem on the middle island. You know? The one where you need two guys?"

Chief walks over.

  • Chief:"sevin minits / sevin minutes is all i can spaer 2 pleh w/ u"
  • Arbiter:"If you quote Wesker one more time I'm gonna kick your ass!"

Chief sits down and starts playing.

  • Chief:"CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS"

Arbiter tackles Chief and starts beating him up.

  • Chief:"ur faet hinges up0n this fight!"

Credits roll. The end.

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