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← "Professional" "Face-Off" "Showdown" →

Scene 1: MLG Edit

[The camera focuses on the center of the Guardian map, where three Spartan model players, one of them being Craig, are standing.]

MLG Player 1: Heh. Being MLG is so awesome.

MLG Player 2: I know, man. I just registered on the site. I've finally gone pro.

MLG Player 1: The chicks are gonna be all over us like a filthy rash.

Craig: I heard that!

MLG Player 2: Man, it's gonna be exhausting playing Halo 3 every day and getting laid every night.

MLG Player 1: At least we'll never have to call those chicks back!

MLG Player 1 and MLG Player 2: Aww yeah!

[Another Spartan model player approaches the three MLG members.]

New Player: Hi, are you guys MLG? That's pretty cool I guess. It's always nice to achieve your goals. Me? I've lost about twenty pounds and I met this girl, and so far it's working out great, I'm pretty happy.

[There is a stunned, momentary silence before the MLG players begin to laugh.]

MLG Player 1: Who the fuck let this loser in?

Craig: Shit, I forgot to close the party.

MLG Player 2: Kick this docuhebag out.

MLG Player 1: Sorry kid. This room's for professional MLG players, not little pussies.

[They all laugh again as he is booted from the server.]

MLG Player 2: Dude, let's do some fuckin' push-ups.

MLG Player 1: I bet I can do more than you.

MLG Player 2: In your dreams.

[In real life, the two players can be heard grunting as they perform push-ups. They begin to count them down.]

MLG Player 1: One!

MLG Player 2: One!

MLG Player 1: Two!

MLG Player 2: Two!

[Arbiter appears on the map and watches from a short distance.]

MLG Player 1 and MLG Player 2: Three!

MLG Player 1: Push it! Four!

MLG Player 2: Four!

[Both MLG players are breathing heavily and their counting has slowed considerably.]

MLG Player 1: Five!

MLG Player 2: Five!

MLG Player 1: Six!

MLG Player 2: Six!

MLG Player 1: Seven!

[Arbiter approaches and directs his speech towards Craig.]

Arbiter: Hey, asshole!

MLG Player 2: Seven!

MLG Player 1: Eight!

Craig: Oh well, look who it is! Mister Chief's little non-MLG friend.

[Craig's friends are panting and wheezing after their eight push-ups.]

Arbiter: What the hell is your problem?!

Craig: What's yours? You need your [pause] diaper changed?

[The MLG players laugh.]

Arbiter: GOOD ONE, you douche.

MLG Player 1 and MLG Player 2: Ohhhh!

Arbiter: My friend might be a moron but you reduced him to tears. Plus he said you've been talking shit about me behind my back!

Craig: That's right. What're you gonna do about it?

Arbiter: Look at YOU, tough guy! Talking shit online in front of your TV!

Craig: It's a good thing I don't have your address.

Arbiter: You're right. If we met face to face, you'd probably shit your pants, you fucking pussy.

MLG Player 1 and MLG Player 2: Ohhhh!

Craig: What the hell do you want?

Arbiter: I want you to apologize to my friend!

[Chief is seen sitting on the couch next to Arbiter, a bunched up tissue held up to his face.]

Chief: snif snif

Arbiter: He's a huge kiss-ass but has been pretty nice to you and didn't deserve being made to feel this way.

Craig: Tell you what. I'll apologize to your idiot friend, if he can beat me one against one.

MLG Player 2: Ohhhh!

MLG Player 1: It's on now!

Arbiter: What the hell is THAT gonna prove?

Craig: Take the deal or leave it.

Arbiter: That doesn't answer my question.

MLG Player 2: Aw, he's stalling.

MLG Player 1: He's so scared; he knows his friend can't win!

Arbiter: [Pause] Fine. He'll do it.

Chief: :O! { surprised face } / noooo!1

Craig: Tomorrow afternoon! Blackout! First to ten kills!

Arbiter: Whatever. Just send me an invite tomorrow. I'll be on.

MLG Player 1: Man! That guy has a death wish!

Craig: I've seen his friend play. He sucks. This'll be a piece o' cake.

MLG Player 1: Dude, all this competition's giving me a major hard-on. I'm gonna go whack off.

MLG Player 2: Yeah, me too. Wait for me, man!

[The two MLG players walk away, leaving Craig behind.]

MLG Player 2: Dude, I bet I'm harder than you right now!

MLG Player 1: Fuck that, I'm rock solid!

MLG Player 2: Oh yeah? Prove it!

MLG Player 1: That's it, we're plugging in our vision cameras.

Scene 2: Encouragement Edit

[Chief chucks his tissue away and runs away from Arbiter.]

Arbiter: Chief wait.

[Arbiter follows him.]

Arbiter: Chief! Stop running away! God dammit!

[Chief runs into the bathroom and slams the door. Arbiter crashes into the door, falls over and gets up again. Chief is sitting against the door on the other side. Arbiter knocks on the door.]

Arbiter: Open the door, Chief.

Chief: no

Arbiter: What's wrong?

Chief: arbitur y u sae thos thigns 2 craig?/ / i wil not b33t craig adn eh wil juts maek fun of meh sum moar / :'( { crying face }

[Arbiter turns and leans back against the door. There is a pause.]

Arbiter: ...You're [sic] favorite show is on...! "Keys to the VIP"! Come out and I'll watch it with you.

Chief: FUCK OFF

Arbiter: I don't even know what you're worried about. You're awesome at Halo!

[A melodic tune begins to play.]

Chief: snif / u thikn so?/

Arbiter: [Pause] ...Yes...?

Chief: ur juts tryign 2 maek meh f33l betar

Arbiter: No, I'm not! Remember that sick montage we made?

Chief: yeh

Arbiter: ...And Bungie even gave you Recon! That's how awesome you are! Craig's a little pussy. You can beat his ass!

Chief: if i beet him..... / wil i get all teh bitch3z?/

Arbiter: [Pause] Yes, Chief. You will get all the bitches.

[Chief suddenly bursts out of the bathroom, causing Arbiter, who was leaning against the door, to fall over. Dramatic music starts playing.]

Chief: FUCK YEH SON LES DO TIHS SHIT MASTUR CH33F UP IN TIHS MOTHR FUCKAR

Arbiter: [As Chief begins talking] OW, shit!

Chief: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[The dramatic music ends and the screen turns black. White text saying "TO BE CONCLUDED" appears. Credits roll.]

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