| ← "Number One Fan" | "Divided We Stand" | "Sold Out" → |
|---|
Scene 1: Jon's apartment[]
[title card shown over Chief running in with his hands in the air]
ARBITER: Good morning, Chief. I feel like playing a few rounds of Reach, how about you?
CHIEF: :D { happy face } / Y AS A MATTRESS OF FAX I DOES ARBITUR
ARBITER: Cool. You can tell me all about the advantages a fax mattress has over foam and box spring while we play. I'll grab and plug in a couple of controllers for us.
CHIEF: XD ur fuckin hilariess bro / u can grab a cupple of dix and plug them into ur mouth, this bad mother fucker plays solo
ARBITER: Oh, what the hell -- seriously? I'm always letting you play by yourself, can't I play with you at least once this year?
CHIEF: NOPE / LOL / fuck that / sry arbitur butt u axe 2 much of me / u simply axe 2 much.
ARBITER: Hardly. Why can't I ever play with you?
CHIEF: 2 thousinds and 12 and u srsly still wana play split screens? / ROFLMAO / ishyddt / get w/ the tiemes u hipster fuck nobody plays split scr33ns n e moar its fucking gay as shit / r33l mens plays bai himself on 1 tv otherwiese u should not has b aloud to play vidya gaems / I FUCKING HATE POOR PPL / JOB GET, MUNNIE GET / HAO FUCKING HARD IS THAT?
ARBITER: I'm bored out of my tits. This is ridiculous, be reasonable for Christ's sake.
CHIEF: IM PERFICTLY RAISIN NIBBLE
[shot of TV reading "Can't connect to Xbox LIVE. Select Test Connection to troubleshoot, or try recovering your profile. For more info, go to www.xbox.com/support"]
Scene 2: Freezer[]
[Arbiter opens the freezer to find Chief inside]
ARBITER: This is you being reasonable, is it?
CHIEF: mai turns / this is u being an anoying fuck rite? / IM WINNER
ARBITER: The servers go down for a couple hours of regularly scheduled maintenance. Your solution is cryogenic suspension.
CHIEF: WTF is that? / AINT NOBODY CRYING AROUND H33R, IM TRYING 2 FROZE MYSELF DUMBASS
ARBITER: This isn't Prometheus. I think there may be a few alternative paths to take, that's all I'm saying. Such as using your fucking brain. Not to mention you've attempted this before.
CHIEF: NO I HASNT U FUCKING MONGOLOID
ARBITER: When we were answering Hypermail.
CHIEF: o yea.
ARBITER: It didn't work then, either.
CHIEF: MEBBEH CUZ U K33P OPENING THE GODDAMN D00R BITCH / UR LETTING ALL THE CHILLIEZ OUT
ARBITER: Cryo-preservation applies to organic material. It prevents biochemical reactions that lead to the death of tissue and cells. You're entirely synthetic.
CHIEF: SHUT UP NO U R
ARBITER: I wasn't name-calling, Chief -- we're both synthetic.
CHIEF: NO U R
ARBITER: You might have a hard time moving after you spend a while in here, but I'm pretty sure you'd remain conscious all throughout.
CHIEF: cant said the saeme foar u if u dusnt get the fuck outta mai face boy
ARBITER: With that being the likely case, you might as well discard this otherwise brilliant plan so you're at least free to move about and find an activity to pass the time.
CHIEF: butt i has b33n fucking ur mom all morning wat the hell else is they're to do
ARBITER: Come on, this is silly. Play some split-screen with me.
CHIEF: THEIRS NO FUCKING ONLIENE SHITHEAD
ARBITER: I was referring to local split-screen multiplayer. One console. Just you versus me, until the servers are restarted.
CHIEF: NO
ARBITER: I can't for the life of me understand why you're being so resistant to this.
CHIEF: I ALREDY EXPLAIENED MYSELFS 2 U MOUTHBREATHER 'CUZ SPLIT SCR33NS IS FUCKING GAY / didnt has 2 butt i did cuz im a graet fucking gai
ARBITER: Yeah -- that's not exactly an explanation, Chief.
CHIEF: wat moar do i gots 2 sae huh? / u tell me 1 singel things thats str8 about 4 swety hairy guys siting rite besided each othirs playeing on 1 tv / THEY MITE AS WELL JUST STRIPED AND START FUCKING EACH OTHER
ARBITER: It's truly heart-breaking how insecure you are.
CHIEF: SHUT UP NO U R / playeing gaems is only str8 if ppls is all separate and conectid thru teh intratubes
ARBITER: All that obvious bullshit aside, the fact remains that neither you nor I have hair or perspire. And I'm not gay.
CHIEF: and neether is me.
ARBITER: Yeah, sure Chief.
CHIEF: OMG IM NOT ASSHOLE WTF WTF OMG srsly im not HOLY SHIT wtf dude come on DUDE dude srsly wtf DUDE OMFG
ARBITER: So what obstacles remain? Yeah, the division of the screen kind of sucks, but the TV's high-def and forty-two inches for crying out loud. A first-world problem if there ever was one. Suck it up, you fucking pussy. Come on, let's play. I promise it won't be gay.
Scene 3: Split-Screen[]
[cut to Arbiter and Chief playing local split-screen multiplayer]
CHIEF: QUIT FUCKING SCR33N P33KING U FUCKING BATWING BITER
ARBITER: Yes Chief, that's entirely the reason why I'm winning by more than ten times your score. I couldn't possibly whoop your ass otherwise.
CHIEF: YEAH U WOOD WANA TOUCHED MY ASS
ARBITER: Who wouldn't, cutie-pie?
[credits]