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Scene 1: Condemned
[Episode begins with Eugene, Tyler and co. hanging around in Halo Reach]
CLAN MEMBER #1: A girl scout came to my door today, she was selling cookies. Delicious. I stuffed the rest of her in the freezer for later! [Laughs]
CLAN MEMBER #2: Life can be a struggle for victims of sexual abuse. That's why I murder them after I'm finished. [laughs]
TYLER: What's the difference between a baby and a vanilla coke? I'd never violently shake a vanilla coke, I'm not psychotic! [laughs]
EUGENE: One day I came home to find my bath full of dead babies. I was devastated. Forgot my rubber duck.
[Eugene receives a call]
EUGENE: Berb. Keep 'em coming.
[Eugene moves away from the others and answers his phone]
EUGENE: Yeah?
DR. HARRIS: Hello, this is Dr. Harris calling, Madeline Black's physician, I presume I'm speaking with Eugene?
EUGENE: Yes.
DR. HARRIS: I was once again unable to reach your father. I regret to inform you that Madeline's condition has become critical. I advise the two of you come to the hospital as soon as you can.
EUGENE: W-what happened? Is she okay?
DR. HARRIS: I believe it would be in everyone's interest to discuss the matter in person.
EUGENE: Just tell me now, please. How is she?
DR. HARRIS: In spite of our staff's best efforts to stabilize her, Madeline has passed away. She was victim to a spontaneous cerebral haemorrhage. I'm very sorry. Mr. Black, are you still there?
[Eugene hangs up, Tyler approaches from behind]
TYLER: Eugene, you gotta hear this one. I told jokes about eating dead babies but I could never actually do it. Without the agonized screams, I couldn't maintain my hard-on! [Laughs] ... Eugene, everything okay? Yo, can you hear me?
[Eugene does not respond, Tyler's voice is overpowered by an ominous soundtrack and fades out]
Scene 2: Kitchen
[Master Chief is seen drinking a glass of alcohol]
ARBITER: At least one of the three must have overheard us discussing defection after joining your session in progress at the time.
[Arbiter is seen walking in with a Cigerette in his mouth to join Chief, he is heard flicking on a lighter while sitting in front of the oven]
ARBITER: That's the only way they could've known. We're such fucking idiots.
CHIEF: if u wana smoked in h33r, hows about u kiss the 2nd asshole u tore me foar trying the same fucking things, huh?
ARBITER: The alarm's photoelectric, looked up the model. A cigarette shouldn't set it off. They're designed to detect the denser smoke of a house fire. I was wrong -- I apologize. Feel free to grab a stick for yourself. I have to say, you seem to be handling our loss a hell of a lot better than I thought you would.
[To prove Arbiter otherwise, Chief takes the empty glass and smashes it against the wall]
CHIEF: o, sry 2 gave u the wrong ideas, arbitur / made no mistakes about it -- im fucking furious / 2 fast 2 furious / tokyo drift, motherfucker / our loss was every single 1 of ur faults / ur the single, solitary idiots h33r
ARBITER: I trust you'll elaborate. Don't keep me in suspense, I can't wait to hear this.
CHIEF: CUZ UR RETARTED A$$ COULDNT TELL EUGENES AVATAR WAS A HOLOGRAMS EVEN THO U WERE STANDING RITE ACROSS FROM THE MOTHERFUCKER, THATS Y
ARBITER: Give me a fucking break, Chief. I had my weapon lowered, first of all. My reticule wasn't on him, and I wasn't stood close enough to see any flickering. Secondly, not only did you have a magnified view of his hologram through the scope of a fucking sniper rifle, but -- assuming you had your reticule trained on him -- you should've noticed it didn't turn red.
CHIEF: U WERE THE 1 TALKING 2 THE FUCKING GUY
ARBITER: When are you gonna get it through your stupid fucking head that the game doesn't equate to real life? You can't pin-point the locations of players from the sound of their voices.
CHIEF: jesus christ -- whatever, this is no times 2 exchanged blames
ARBITER: What an amazing coincidence it is that it's suddenly no time to exchange blame as you realize all of it lies with you. Maybe you shouldn't have started doing so, you fucking idiot.
CHIEF: i doesnt knew about u, but i refused to except defeats from those assholes / WILL NOT HAS / we has 2 get back on the intratubes as s00n as fucking possibly and take those bitches out / at n e costs / ALL THE COSTS / cum and halped me get jons spare console out the closet
ARBITER: That'd be a great idea if you didn't have that one banned as well after you JTAG'd the fucking thing.
CHIEF: FUCK / id just bought a new consoles online right fucking now if i knew where the hell jons wallet ended up
[Arbiter stares at Chief]
[Chief is seen with the Arbiter in another room as Arbiter grabs the case for The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask and empties it to reveal that Jon's wallet was inside of it]
ARBITER: Had to put a stop to your spending spree. Fgured the last place you'd look is in the boxes for what you passionately consider the two worst games ever made.
CHIEF: implying 1s better than the other / their both the worst game evar made
ARBITER: Because that makes a lot of sense.
CHIEF: and 'spending spr33' my a$$ -- fuck off w/ that shit / christs sake, all i bought was that goddamn doll
[Arbiter is seen pulling out Jon's Credit Card, only to have Chief swipe it away from him]
CHIEF: gimme that fucking thing
ARBITER: In any other circumstance, I'd never condone this. We can't bugger this up a second time.
CHIEF: well guessed what, sweat heart? / i doesnt fucking intended 2
Scene 3: Bathroom
[Chief is now seen "alone" in the Bathtub, lighting a cigarette. Cortana appears right across from him]
CORTANA: Can't fathom why you two insist on smoking. What's the attraction? It's revolting.
CHIEF: g00dness me, will u just l00k @ all these fucks i give? / LOL, y cant i held them? / get off my a$$ / i don smoked cuz it tastes yummy / tastes like shit / i smoked cuz it takes the fucking edges off
[Chief takes a puff from the cigarette]
CHIEF: besides, its not like were gonna b around foar much longer
[Chief takes another puff]
CHIEF: thats another things / ur h33r 2 changed things foar the betters, m i rite?
CORTANA: For as many as I can, yes.
CHIEF: well, like i said b 4, all telling arbitur the trhuths about acksidentally burning u's gonna do is destroyed every tiny bits of happiness we has rite now / wheres the fucking senses in that? / ur the smart 1, u told me / ive learned my lessons, k? / srsly / im rly, rly sry i killed u / i m33n3d it / ur not gonna made me told him, is u?
CORTANA: As much as I hate to admit it, I suppose I shouldn't. I'll tell you what -- you put a stop to this terrible trio wrecking havoc and I'll consider leaving you alone. Assuming you still want me gone.
[Chief takes another puff]
CORTANA: You're not falling in love with me or anything, are you?
CHIEF: ROFLMAO / WTF? / HELL NO, BITCH / y r u always on my a$$ foar smoking when uve cl33rly b33n puffing sum wild shit?
CORTANA: I don't consider it a stretch of the imagination. Sure seemed you were in love with me the first time we met. You remember?
[a shot of Chief alone in the tub, talking to no one in particular is seen, reminding everyone that Cortana is just an apparition]
CHIEF: your crazy
Scene 4: Forge World
[a shot of an ocean with a Halo ring in the background]
[Michelle is standing on the grass; Eugene appears from a rock and tree approaching Michelle]
EUGENE: I'm in the middle of something with the guys, gotta get back to them pretty quick, what is it that we absolutely must discuss right this minute?
MICHELLE: The tournament's final round starts shortly, I'll be disqualified if I miss it. I can't speak for long either.
EUGENE: Spit it out then.
[beats]
MICHELLE: You always been curiously secretive of your clan. Is it true that you've been collectively been behind all of these mysterious console bans using some sort of software you got from Colin?
EUGENE: Agh, God-damnit! You didn't happen to receive this information from a couple of guys with voices less pleasing to the ear than a cactus, did you?
MICHELLE: The source of my information is irrelevant.
EUGENE: I'm sorry, but I happen to think an information source is very relevant, I'm not going to be too well informed on the subjects of global economics and astro-physics if I consult a retarded sewer-dwelling chimp, am I?
MICHELLE: The Arbiter isn't ignorant, nor is he a liar.
EUGENE: You sure about that? Did he also tell you he and Chief contributed significantly to those bans.
MICHELLE: He did, as a matter of fact. He also said the two of them stopped after seeing the errors of their ways, I think you corrupted them.
EUGENE: Oh fuck off Michelle, I didn't corrupt anybody, those pricks made their own fucking decisions.
MICHELLE: Is it true that you reduced a young boy to tears after threatening to ruin his life with your clan's influence, and then you threatened to have him killed?
[beat]
EUGENE: Look, it wasn't so one sided.
MICHELLE: Oh my god.
EUGENE: It was a great source of grief for me, besides I was only joking about having him harmed. Come on Michelle, you know I wouldn't do something like that.
MICHELLE: Clearly, I know a hell of a lot less about you than I thought I did. NOBODY deserves to be treated that way, least of all a child. What the hell were you thinking? What's the matter with you?! While I'm at it, what the hell's wrong with your friend Colin?! And why on earth are you friends with him?! Is it also true that he's a sexual predator?!
EUGENE: What?! Where the hell did you hear that?
[long beats]
EUGENE: Colin has a problem, and I've been helping him deal with it.
MICHELLE: Ugh, Jesus.
EUGENE: He hasn't done anything.
[beat]
MICHELLE: I hope it goes without saying that you and I are through.
EUGENE: What? No! Look, don't do this to me, okay? Please, I really REALLY can't handle this right now.
MICHELLE: That's a real shame, because I can't be in a relationship with somebody who not only has cause incalculable amounts of damage across the network, but also threatens the emotional well being as well as the lives of children. You're out of your mind if you think otherwise. Don't contact me again!
[Shot of Eugene standing still while Michelle walks away from him]
EUGENE: Michelle wait! Madeline's dead!
[Michelle stops and looks back at Eugene.]
EUGENE: Spontaneous brain hemorrhage. She's gone. I feel like my world's crumbling around me. I don't want to lose you too, okay?
[beat]
MICHELLE: I'm truly sorry for your loss, Eugene. From what you've told me of Madeline, she was warm and a gentle soul who couldn't be less deserving of the hand that misdealt her. But you and I can't be together any more, and through your behavior, that was a decision you made yourself. Only a very sad deranged and heartless individual would do what you've done.
[Michelle turns around and continues to walk away from Eugene]
[Eugene follows her; she turns around only to see Eugene raise his pistol]
[Eugene fires his pistol, shooting Michelle in the head until she is fragged]
[Eugene reloads his weapon]
[Eugene holsters his gun and stares at her corpse]
[silent credits]