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Intro Edit

Warning

The following video contains strong language
and adult themes, and is not intended for
younger audiences. Viewer discretion is advised.

[title card]

Scene 1: Hot chicks Edit

CHIEF: hay bay b [comes to a pink spartan] wut u duin 2 nite?/ / thurs a partay in mai armer adn ur invti3d!1

[beat; pink spartan goes away]

CHIEF: ur playign hard 2 get i c / its k / i no u watn meh

ARBITER [standing before the computer]: What the fuck are you doing?

CHIEF: pickign up hawt chixxx

[Arbiter comes over to see what Chief means.]

ARBITER: That's despicable, leave her alone! She just wants to play.

CHIEF: FUCK TAHT / shes l00kign 4 a man / y esle wud she b plehing halO??

ARBITER: Perhaps to play Halo 3 in hopes of not getting bugged by pigs like you? [sniffs] What's that smell?

CHIEF: tag

[Arbiter turns to look at the spray can]

ARBITER: What the fuck.

CHIEF: i s33n this comershil on tv were this guy put on / tag adn he r chas3d bai all teh wimminz!!1 / SRSLY / LIEK INFENITY FUKCIGN BAJILION GIRLZZ

ARBITER: It's called marketing, dipshit.

CHIEF: LOLLOLOLOLOL / UR SUCH A NOOB / IF IT WUZ NOT TREU / THEY R WUD NOT B ALOWD 2 PUT IT ON TV / DUMBASS

ARBITER [shaking the spray can]: What the hell, did you use the whole thing?

CHIEF: ya / TOOK LIEK HALF A GOD DAM HOUR

[Arbiter sniffs Chief closely, then recoils in horror as he covers his nose]

ARBITER: Jesus Christ! [looks farther at a box of Trojans] Okay... What the HELL are those?

CHIEF: SECKS BALOONZ

[Arbiter picks the box up to look more carefully at the description.]

ARBITER: Condoms? Do you even know what these are for?

CHIEF: NO SHIT [throws controller at Arbiter] halp meh otu w/ thees / u blow taht 1 up adn ill strt infl4tign this oen

ARBITER: ...Excuse me?

CHIEF: COEM ON / i dont has all day!1

ARBITER: Are you retarded?

[beat]

CHIEF: NO

ARBITER: These aren't BALLOONS, you idiot.

CHIEF: WUT R THEY 4 THEN, SMRAT GUY???/

ARBITER: You put them on your-- Oh my God. [goes away] I can't believe I'm even having this conversation. I'm outta here. [throws a condom at Chief] Here's your fucking CONDOMS.

CHIEF: UR JSUT MAD cur ur n0t a lad33z man liek meh [grabs controller again] HAY BAY B / BAK AGEN [he starts chasing pink spartan again; she escapes] W8 / DUN RUN AWEH / GESS WUT I GOT [starts waving a condom] ROFL

Scene 2: Chat Edit

[an alarm clock with the time "3:43" is shown; Chief is chatting]

he sexy gurl
sexy_gurl19 says
hey
xMASTURxCHEEFx69x420x says
sup
sexy_gurl19 says
nothing lol u?
xMASTURxCHEEFx69x420x says
nm
xMASTURxCHEEFx69x420x says
so wut r u wearing lol?/
sexy_gurl19 says
bra and panties
sexy_gurl19 says
u? lol
sexy_gurl19 says
 :P
xMASTURxCHEEFx69x420x says
mark iv mjolnir armer
sexy_gurl19 says
lolwut

[lights turn on]

ARBITER: Chief? What's going on? Are you still up?

[Chief is wearing a condom on his head]

CHIEF: o hai

[long pause]

ARBITER: ...What the FUCK is this?

CHIEF: cybering, lol

["Morning Train" starts playing]

ARBITER: That's it. This is the last straw. The way you act around women is absolutely disgraceful. If I'm gonna hang out with you any more, I'm gonna teach you how to talk and act properly in front of girls. Even if it kills me.

CHIEF: :( { sad face }

Scene 3: Tough teaching Edit

[Arbiter gives Chief a piece of paper with a drawn girl saying "Hello! How are you?" and a place for response; Chief writes "sex nao plz"; Arbiter throws a piece of paper at him, then goes to beat him with a rolled-up one.]

[chat window]

wtf
xMASTURxCHEEFx69x420x says
r u ther
sexy_gurl19 says
ya sorry
sexy_gurl19 says
 :(
sexy_gurl19 says
hello

[Chief types "TITS OR GTFO"; Arbiter mashes him on the back with the rolled-up paper.]

[Chief types "niec 2 m33t u; Arbiter mashes him again.]

[Chief types "nice to meet you", this time in regular words instead of leet talk; Arbiter nods.]

[Chief types "PICS NAO"; Arbiter mashes him again.]

Scene 4: Apologies Edit

[music fades; in-game]

CHIEF: excuse me miss

[she turns]

CHIEF: i would just like to say that i respect you as a / human being, and i respect the fact that you / would like to play halo 3 like any other male / gamer, without being harassed, ridiculed, or / discriminated against in any way

[beat; Chief bows his head]

CHIEF: thats all

[pink spartan nods, then goes away]

ARBITER: VERY good

CHIEF: thx lol

["American Woman" by Jimi Hendrix starts playing]

VOICE: Hello boys. Can I play?

[they both go on the side of the couch; it is Cortana]

CHIEF: < 3 ! { less than three } / i thikn i r in luv!11

ARBITER: Wow, cool. Jon must have bought her today.

[Just as Arbiter finishes saying that, Master Chief grabs him and flings him into the remote controls and video game controllers on the table.]

CHIEF: I SAW HER 1ST FAGGOT / G3T OTU OF MAI FUKCING WAY [goes to her]

CHIEF: Y HELO THAR!1 [Arbiter gets up, stunned, but uninjured from Chief's attack, and walks over to where Chief and Cortana are] may i say / u have beutifil eyes

[beat; music fades; zoom in on Arbiter as he wonders if his earlier lessons to Chief on proper etiquette with girls paid off, then cut to Chief's gaze as he turns to look down at Cortana's chest]

CHIEF: I M33N NIPPLES

ARBITER: [Facepalms] Oh for God's sake.

["Here I Come" by The Roots starts playing]

CHIEF: LOL

[credits]

Cortana will now regularly appear in future
episodes of Arby 'n' the Chief, as well as a new
character yet to be revealed.

I was inspired to make this episode after playing
with some female fans of mine from my forums
and listening to some of the shit people were
saying.

I hope you all realize that I'm not trying to
promote the Chief's idiotic behaviour and that
girls shouldn't have to go through the shit that
they often endure playing on Xbox Live. To
people that act similar to the Chief when around
women players, take that you inconsiderate
assholes. Cut it out.

Thanks for watching!

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