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Scene 1: Bathroom Edit

Danger

[shot of a "Danger" sign on Jon's bathroom door]

[title card shown over Chief lying in the bathtub]

[shot at Jon's smartphone; alarm clock rings on 3:43 AM; the alarm sound is "One Final Effort" from Halo 3 soundtrack]

CHIEF: >:( { angry face } [takes the phone] STFU [throws it; it still rings]

[he turns the phone off]

CHIEF: mishins acumplished arbitur or greg or whoever the fuck is responsibal foar this, im offishilly pissed off / >>>:(((((((((((((( { super angry face } / IS THIS SUPOSED TWO BE FUNNY? / wtf am i doing in h33r / Y U WAKE ME UP SO GODDAMN EARLY / U GAIZ R FUCKING DIED. / IMA FUCKING KILLED U SO HARD ULL DIED 2 DETH / o rite, fuck. [short beat] this wuz all mai choises. / Y? / Y THO? [beat] O YEA / :D { happy face }

Scene 2: Looking around Edit

[he gets on Arbiter's bed]

CHIEF: arbitur? / u still awaek?

[Arbiter is silent, listening to rain noise; Chief slowly backs off]

[he goes to Cortana, looking around]

CHIEF: greg / is ur ugly ass around? / hello? [beat] cortana?

[he looks at her for a while]

CHIEF: this is it skank / it is the times. / it is the tiemes to t33ched u a less0n that ull nevar forgot / it is those tiemes nao. / k? / k.

[he gets on the oven and wraps a string around Cortana]

CHIEF: couldnt hamburger helped but over here ur argumints w/ arbitur yesterday / hes rite u no / u rly gots 2 lighten the fuck up / for ur on g00ds / butt i underst00d cortana / its difficilt / its k. / so ima fucking helped u a litel bits / cuz im such a graet fucking gai / ;) { winky face }

Scene 3: Kitchen Edit

[Cortana wakes up in Jon's oven]

CORTANA: What the hell? Arbiter? Greg? [looks forward] Chief? What's going on? What the hell am I doing in the oven?! Let me out! Now!

[Strauss' The Blue Danube starts playing]

CHIEF: no / lol

CORTANA: Right now, Chief! I'm deadly serious.

CHIEF: :O { surprised face } / omg no wai / ur dedly srs? / is u >:| ? { serious face } / k ima >:| 2 / were both >:| / this is srs bsns. / so supir srs.

CORTANA: Don't get me wrong, I don't believe for a minute that you have the balls to incinerate me purposely. But given your astounding scale of intellect, I'm not exactly willing to take any chances here.

CHIEF: god dam rite its a stounding / its one hell of a stounding

CORTANA: No -- see, the joke there is that the word "astounding" doesn't necessarily imply a large scale.

CHIEF: lol wut?

CORTANA: You're like a black hole of stupidity. You're too stupid to insult and take any hints and you just constantly become more and more stupid.

Chief cortana

[Chief is revealed to stand on a pile of game cases]

CHIEF: um excuse me cortana butt i thinkged ull found that its "africkan american" hole / and i dusnt gots 2 take n e hints frum aracest piece of shit liek u / racests are illegil

CORTANA: Good lord... Just open the door and let me out!

CHIEF: u mad sis? / lololololol

CORTANA: Arbiter! Greg!

CHIEF: they cant heard you / arbiturs asl33ping with hedphones on lissening to not-skrillex / sum gay ass nature shit / fuck nose were greg is, i l00ked all ovir the place foar him / its just u and me bitch

CORTANA: What is it that you want from me, exactly?

CHIEF: im a vry raisin nibble man, cortana.

CORTANA: My ass, you are.

CHIEF: ill lets u go cortana / no problims / no problims at all / all u gots 2 do is t00k back all the m33n things u sed about me the othir days / that is all / do it k? / k.

CORTANA: Yeah, the truth hurts, doesn't it?

CHIEF: u no wat rly hertz? / mai b00t up ur box / u no wat hertz evin wai moar worsir? / ur gona found out prety fucking quick if u dusnt does wat i sed

CORTANA: Everything that I said to you the other day was a stone-cold fact and I refuse to recall a single word.

CHIEF: [hits the oven door] THEY WASNT FAXES AT ALL U STUPID FUCKING DYKE CUNT, IM FUCKING OSSIM / OSSIM POSSIM / all those othir possims? / TOSS EM / their nowhere n33r as ossim / besiedes faxes are maed out of papers not stones / and paper b33ts stones n e ways

CORTANA: Your tangents lack the slightest trace of sense or relevance. You're an utterly brain-dead cancer on the world's collective consciousness. On all levels. So utterly pathetic.

CHIEF: take backevrything u sed or burn bitch

CORTANA: Fuck you, Chief.

CHIEF: ooh!1 / kitty gots claws after all / thats it / thats it / uve fucking did it nao / gaem ovar / u were on ur last mans and its long fucking gone nao / gg lol

CORTANA: Your mind is long gone. I, on the other hand, possess the intellect to know that you're bluffing your ass off.

CHIEF: u can k33p telling urself that if it maeks u felt beter butt it wont c00l that hot littel ass of urs off when it starts 2 melt [turns the oven on] u herd that?

CORTANA: You're full of it.

CHIEF: flame on / its on liek the donkey king / u sure u dusnt wanted to t00k back thoese things that u sed? / last fucking chanse foar reals this tiemes / foar realzies

CORTANA: Chief -- I hear hissing... You didn't actually switch it on, right? Did you?

CHIEF: no fucking shit i turned it on, i just fucking told u i did

CORTANA: Chief! I can feel it getting hotter in here! You have to switch it off! Right now!

CHIEF: t00k back wat u sed first, k?

CORTANA: Turn it off!

CHIEF: T00K BACK WAT U FUCKING SED

CORTANA: Please! Chief, the heat --! Chief, I'm begging you -- please! Open the door!

CHIEF: GODDAMMIT CORTANA I CANT BELEIVE HAO FUCKING FULL OF SHIT U R / the oven isnt evin fucking plugged in / lying skank / who the fuck is buffering nao, huh?

Flames

[shot of his helmet, reflecting the flame in the oven]

CORTANA: Aaaaaaaaaah!

[they start shouting simultaneously]

CHIEF: HOLY SHIT

CORTANA: Help me! Chief!

CHIEF: FUCK / :O { surprised face }

CORTANA: Arbiter! Greg!

CHIEF: OH FUCK [grabs a string and starts climbing the oven] oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck / oh shit

CORTANA: Somebody help! I'm melting! Aaaaaaaaaah!

CHIEF: just hold on a secinds / just 1 singel secinds k?

CORTANA: Please somebody help me! [her voice starts lowering in pitch] Chief -- please! The pain...

CHIEF: HOLD ON HOLD ON / FUCK

CORTANA: Aaaaaaaaaah!

CHIEF: shit shit shit / oh shit

CORTANA: I can't take it -- I can't...

CHIEF: [turns off the oven] GOTS IT / ITS K CORTANA I GOTS IT / K / its all gona b k.

CORTANA: Damn you, Chief... Damn you to hell...

[short beat]

CHIEF: cortana?

[he jumps back on the stack of cases]

CHIEF: oh shit

[he opens the oven; music stops]

CHIEF: o fuck [beat] holy shit [beat] no. / no no no no. / no fuck no. [looks around] oh fuck.

Scene 4: Cleaning up Edit

Cortana Dead

[he starts scratching off the remains of Cortana from the oven; music resumes]

[he grabs Cortana's remains, drops them into the toilet and flushes]

Flushed

CHIEF: um... / sry i gess.

[flushing noises get louder than background music; abrupt silence]

[he follows the power cord; sees it plugged in]

CHIEF: SON OF A FUCKING BITCH / WHAT THE FUCK

[he sits against a kitchen's wall, looking at Cortana's platform]

CHIEF: fuck.

[Track 7 from the third soundtrack release starts playing in background]

CHIEF [knocking his back against the wall]: fuck fuck fuck.

ARBITER: Chief?

CHIEF: FUCK

ARBITER: What's with the F-bomb strike? You alright? Where are you? Cortana?

[Chief drags Cortana's platform to the closet, throws it in a box and buries deeply; just as he puts back the box, Arbiter appears; music stops]

ARBITER: Good morning.

CHIEF: hay buddy / sup?

Body

ARBITER: You were swearing like a sailor whacking his dick with a hammer not twenty seconds ago. Is there a problem?

CHIEF: nope / no problims / i was just fucking around bro / i was fapping

ARBITER: Figures. Have you seen Cortana?

CHIEF: u m33n she isnt up on the tables next 2 the tv liek she usually is?

ARBITER: No.

CHIEF: i gots no ideas dude / does not has / sry

ARBITER: What about Greg, have you seen him up and about?

CHIEF: i dont fucking know

ARBITER: What are you doing anyway? What are you rummaging around in the closet for?

CHIEF: wtf is this, jeopardy? / im l00king foar ur mothirs butt plugs, she gets kinky in the mornings

ARBITER: Cortana! Greg! You guys in the bathroom? [enters it] Hello?

[Greg appears]

ARBITER: There you are, Greg. Where's Cortana?

CHIEF: hey does u remembired last nites u axed me y i were colecting gregs webs? / lol remember arbitur? / well gregs b33n helping me cleaned up the place and he was just abouts to helped me cleared out the bathr00ms, rite bro? [starts dragging Greg towards the bathroom] cum on / it isnt gona cl33ned itself nao is it? / were gona cl33ned the shit out of it / u adn me bro / bros foar lyphe [closes the bathroom door]

ARBITER: Weird fucking morning. Cortana! Where the fudge are you at? [moves out of camera sight; camera refocuses on the oven]

Scene 5: Bathroom Edit

[in the bathroom; Chief is standing against the door]

CHIEF: arbitur? / can u heard me?

[he moves towards Greg]

Chief and Greg

CHIEF: k greg i knew that u dusnt lieked me very much and i sure as hell dusnt lieked ur ugly ass 1 singel fucking bits / ubtt i gots a rly big faver to axe u / k?

GREG: I saw you.

CHIEF: lol wut? / saw me? / saw me doesing wat exactly?

GREG: You murdered Cortana.

CHIEF: LOL / yeh rite / i l00ked all ovar the places foar u / u didnt c shit

GREG: You seriously think I can't hide from you?

CHIEF: ur just buffering

GREG: How could I be bluffing if i [sic] know what happened?

CHIEF: k fien / fuck. / u saw wat happen / butt it was an acksidents, i swoer 2 u / i fucking swoer 2 u k? / im vry >:| { serious face } si that m33ns im not lying k?

GREG: There was nothing "accidental" about what I saw.

CHIEF: IT WAS AN ACCIDENTS ASSDACE i pulled the plug on the oven b4 i put cortana in they're / i wasnt srsly ackshully gona burned her, i just wantid 2 fr33k the living shits out of her thats all / i didnt thinked shed t00k me srsly unless she herd me pressed teh buttons / DID U FUCKING PLUGGED IT BACK IN?

GREG: No.

CHIEF: must has b33n arbitur then / FUCKING HELL / figures / WHAT A FUCKING IDIET / THIS IS ALL HIS FUCKING FAULT / i srsly cant beleived him sum tiemes, u knew that?

GREG: Nobody placed Cortana in danger except for you.

CHIEF: u isnt gona told him, is u?

GREG: It's the right thing to do. / However, I know what Arbiter would do to you if he learned the truth.

CHIEF: um exceuse me for axing greg butt wat mite that b?

GREG: You know full well how badly he'd beat ur ass.

CHIEF: ROFLMAO / BITCH PLS / id suer as hell lieked 2 watched him tried, that w00d b funny as fuck / i culd kicked both of ur asses at the saem tiemes / USING ONLY MY ASS / i w00dnt evin has 2 tried dude / /flex / has u evir s33n this much mussels on a man b4?

GREG: Then I suppose that you have nothing to worry about. [leaves]

CHIEF: GOD DAMMIT / greg w8 hold on / HOLD THE FUCK ON

[Greg stops; beat]

CHIEF: dont fucking told him k? / plex. / plixy pl0x. / i has lerned a lots of vry impr0tant lessins frum wat i has doen, k? / i promised taht i will nevar does n e thing liek this evir agen / ima b wai moar beter frum nao on k? / ima b wai moar nicer 2 u and arbitur k? / im srs / >:| { serious face } / ur rite k? / teling arbitur is the rite things 2 does / butt srsly dude, if u does, all its gona does is maed living h33r way the fuck moar worsir than it already is.

Scene 6: Hall Edit

[in Jon's hall]

ARBITER: So that's it? She's gone? Just like that? For good? Is that seriously what you're telling me? [short beat] What brought this on? Where would she go, for crying out loud?

GREG: She asked for my help in having her mailed to a children's charity.

ARBITER: A children's charity? THis [sic] is fucking bonkers. I don't buy it. Why would she leave without saying anything to me? This makes zero fucking sense.

GREG: She said she was never fond of goodbyes.

ARBITER: "She was never fond of goodbyes"? That's all you have to tell me? What the fuck, man? Why the hell would you agree to mail her away? For Christ's sake, couldn't you have at leat convinced her to sleep on it? Think things over?

GREG: She told me sha was unhappy living here and that there was no changing her mind.

ARBITER [turns to Chief]: This is your fault.

CHIEF: mai faults?

ARBITER: Don't get fucking cute with me, asking as if the possibility isn't even worth considering. It's always your fault, whatever the fuck it is. You're so fucking intolerable.

CHIEF: hay u isnt exactly ossim possim to lived with either ass wipe / i fucking herd u gaiz arguing yesterday / foar all u knew, ur the fucking raisin she decidid to t00k off

ARBITER: That's fucking ridiculous. That was a silly argument over nothing. About me being a potty-mouth. She wouldn't leave a comfortable home and who might be the only other talking toys in existence over something so relatively insignificant. A much more likely reason would be that a mentally defective cretin such as yourself had been inessantly antagonizing her since the second she set foot in here.

CHIEF: k, except foar me being a mentil detective, wat ur saying just mite b trufax / WHO NOSE / butt ur probibly the straw that fucked the camels ass / she pribibly realized yesterday taht she culdnt found a freinds in n e of us

ARBITER: That's not true. What about Greg? He and Cortana were friends. Weren't you?

CHIEF: r u seriously being fucking serious rite now? / sure she mite have acted like she were his freinds, butt hao many othir chicks does u knew that wana maed freinds with giant ugly ass spiders huh?

[Arbiter turns around and walks away]

CHIEF: where r u going?

Walking Away

ARBITER: I need to be alone.

CHIEF [to Greg]: holy fuck bro ur a life saver / srsly thx foar covering foar me / if u evir n33did a favirs in return / and i m33ned evir / then i mite b abel to does it if i felt liek it and im not 2 busy and u give me sum munn33z [raises hand for a fistbump] bro fist

[Track 11 from the third soundtrack release starts playing]

GREG: Damn you.

[he leaves]

CHIEF: WELL FUCK YOU TOO

[Chief sits against the door]

[credits]

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