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Scene 1: Flashback Edit

[flashback of "Wedding"]

WHITE SPARTAN: All rise for the bride!

[everyone stands up]

CHIEF: C WE AL HAV 2 FUCKING GET UP N E WAE DOUSHBAG

ATTENDEE: Shhh.

[Sarah enters the map slowly]

ARBITER: This is ridiculous.

[Shot at Sarah's in-game buttocks]

CHIEF: NICE ASS BABY

ATTENDEE: Shhhhh!

CHIEF: STFU

[Sarah stands on the "altar"]

WHITE SPARTAN: We are gathered here today, in sight of the Guardians, to unite these two players in Halo matrimony.

[Chief looks around; notices fusion coil barrels]

WHITE SPARTAN: If anyone has any objections to the uniting of HotBitch69 and I<3toJizz420, speak now or forever be AFK.

CHIEF: I OBJEKT

[beat]

CHIEF: |\/|0T|-|3RF|_|C|<3R

[shoots red Spartan attendee]

CHIEF: IMA CHARGIN MAH LAZAAAH

[shoots Spartan Laser]

CHIEF: SHOOP DA WOOOOOOOOOOOOP

[Fusion coil barrels explode; people are screaming; Sarah and Gregory both hit the ground]

CHIEF: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

ARBITER: Chief, what the FUCK--

CHIEF: LETS GTFO

SARAH: He ruined my wedding! Oh my God...

[Sarah starts crying]

CHIEF: HAV A NICE FUCKING WEDDING LOSERS / AAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHHA

[On the couch; long pause]

ARBITER: What the hell was that?!

CHIEF: ONE KICKASS WEDDING

[Beat]

ARBITER: I can't believe you.

CHIEF: THAT WAZ SUM FUNNY ASS SHIT

[Long pause]

ARBITER: You know, that actually WAS kinda funny.

[Beat]

ARBITER: ...You wanna do it again?

CHIEF: DAYUM RITE SOOON

[They high-five]

[Cut to black]

Scene 2: Before the storm/Flash-Forward Edit

ARBITER: I can't believe we're doing this.

CHIEF: DONT TEL MEH UR HASING SECUND THOTS ARBITUR / DONT B A PUSSY

ARBITER: ... No. We have to stop it.

CHIEF: FUCK YEAR

ARBITER: But we could get into some serious shit. We'll be banned from online multiplayer at the very least. Not just Halo. Everything.

CHIEF: THIS SHIT IS GONA B WAY 2 OSSIM / we shal pay teh prices arbitur

[Fade into Halo: Reach]

JOSH BUTTERBALLS: Hey, I'm Josh with Severely Outdated Information Magazine and we are live at Halo 3: Reach at the church holding the wedding of gaming corporate tycoon Trent Donnovich. Today is the day! An impressive piece of work, built using the game's Forging World mode. For those not in the know, you heard correctly: this is a legitimate wedding ceremony taking place within the artificial environment of Halo 3: Reach for the Xbox 360. It is in fact the biggest wedding of its kind in human history.

[distance shot at entrance]

JOSH BUTTERBALLS: It, uhh, hasn't quite started yet, but here we can see the Donnovich sisters, Victoria and Brittany who, so I'm told, will playing the roles of bridemaids.

[Closeup at them]

VICTORIA: Hello there.

BRITTANY: Hi guys! Come on in! Take a spot wherever you can find one...

VICTORIA: Hi!

BRITTANY: Thank you so much for coming, you guys!

[An Elite player stops his car nearby; Donnovich sisters look at each other]

VICTORIA: Hello.

BRITTANY: Thank you so much for coming...

ELITE PLAYER: No no, thank you, it's awesome to be here.

VICTORIA: Unfortunately, there's a Spartan-only policy...

BRITTANY: Yeah...

ELITE PLAYER: Wait... so... can I come in or...?

VICTORIA: We totally appreciate you coming, though.

BRITTANY: For sure...

ELITE PLAYER: Seriously? I mean, what difference does it make?

VICTORIA: Please leave now or you'll be kicked.

BRITTANY: We have a multiplayer network administrator overseeing the marriage and we can also have your account banned from online indefinitely. You should really go.

[Elite player walks away]

VICTORIA: Thanks so much!

[Shot at his back]

VICTORIA: Hey, come on in!

[He turns around; she was speaking to someone else]

BRITTANY: Thanks for coming!

VICTORIA: Find a spot wherever!

[He turns again and leaves]

[We see the church's inside, and other players]

[Bitanny and Victoria go inside to speak to someone]

BRITTANY: Hi! Brian?

BRIAN: Yeah.

VICTORIA: We have a few concerns regarding security.

BRITTANY: With this being, like, a first-person shooter, for a wedding it's not exactly ideal.

VICTORIA: We want our brother's big day to go smoothly.

BRIAN: Of course!

RED SPARTAN: Relax, everything's been taken care of.

BRIAN: Yeah, there is very little to be concerned about. We have a number of stroooong security measures in place.

[Arbiter and Chief's legs are shown walking; music fades to "Noob Control"]

RED SPARTAN: You'd need to have a couple loose screws to even think about causing trouble here.

VICTORIA: So, idiots can't just come barging in and start shooting up the place?

RED SPARTAN: My guys will take them out before they got anywhere near the building.

BRITTANY: Your... guys?

VICTORIA: Say again?

RED SPARTAN: Two of the top competitive players in the entire country.

[they are shown loading their guns]

RED SPARTAN: Minimum 3.4 K/D across all maps and arena. Kinda speaks for itself...

[They're still loading their guns]

VICTORIA: I didn't see anybody. I mean, any security.

RED SPARTAN: Yeah, you're not really supposed to.

[the guards are shown cloaking themselves]

[back to the church; music changes to Wagner's "Bridal Chorus"]

BRITTANY: What does this have to do with dinner?

VICTORIA: We don't know what that means, Trent.

TRENT: Look, don't worry about that means, all you need to know is that nobody's gonna fuck with us.

BRIAN: Please! This is a civil wedding, it doesn't fall under any particular religion... but it should still be considered sacrosanct. No profanity.

TRENT: Sorry.

BRIAN: Besides, other than Plasma Pistols on spawn and basic protection from me, and Trent, and security's armory, absolutely no weapons are permitted...

[Arbiter and Chief are shown walking with their guns lowered]

[Music changes to "Storming the Church"]

CHIEF: MAGNEM ADN SPRINT AGEN? / LOL UR SUCH A FAGET / tryign 2 b c00l adn shit / ur not c00l arbitur / hwo many times does i has 2 remiends u

ARBITER: I told you. It's all I need. I'm not making a statement here. I take precision shots. I don't spray and pray like you.

CHIEF: SPRAY N PRAY IS TEH WAY TO PLAY / ILL BE SPREAEING / THEYLL B PRAYIGN / LOLOLOOLOLOL

ARBITER: We're here to stop the ceremony, Chief. Period. We're not here to massacre.

CHIEF: surely u jests / im gona drop evry singel 1 of thees fuckign cunts

[cut to inside church]

BRITTANY: Oh my god, oh my god, it's here!

VICTORIA: This is it!

BRITTANY: Oh my god, this is so exciting!

[Cut to main characters]

CHIEF: HEER CUMS TEH CH33F / W/ HIS FREIDN WHOS A QU33F / BETAR SAE BAI BAI / CUZ UR ALL GONA DIE / ROFL

ARBITER: Very fitting, Chief.

CHIEF: ur moms very fittign

GUARD 1: Take another step or I'll drop you where you stand!

[First guard points Chief with his gun]

[Second guard uncloaks himself and points Arbiter]

GUARD 1: You guys are good right there...

GUARD 2: So what's the deal? You guys got a death wish?

GUARD 1: I don't know how the hell you got back in here, but you're going straight back down, I can tell you that.

[Chief points his weapon at Guard 1]

CHIEF. fuck u

GUARD 2: Look, we could either do this the easy way... or the hard way. The end results are gonna be exact same. Question is...

ARBITER: This wedding will NOT HAPPEN.

CHIEF: we r gaiz / who gon t33ch u less0n / LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!11one1!shift+elevel!1

ARBITER: The only question is which one of you mother fuckers wants to die first. Work it out between yourselves. You've got five seconds.

[Screen cuts to black]

Scene 3: Initial Credits Edit

[Title card appears]

ARBY 'n' the CH13F

season 05 episode 01

"house of cards"

Scene 4: Present Edit

(one month earlier)

(christmas day)

[Chief is seen wearing a christmas pinny]

CHIEF: WAKE UP BITCH / ITS CHRISMISS

ARBITER: Fuck off! It's not even six! Go back to bed.

CHIEF: i want mai presint nao tho

ARBITER: Later!

CHIEF: but i want it nao tho i sed. / PRESINT PRESINT PRESINT PRESINT PRESINT PRESINT PRESINT PRESINT.....

[Suddendly, Arbiter and Chief are shown sitting on the floor]

CHIEF: wher is greg

ARBITER: What do you care?

CHIEF: i gots delietful gifts 4 both of u!1

[Greg shows up]

CHIEF: HOLY CHRIST

ARBITER: For fuck's sake, Greg!

GREG: merry christmas :3

ARBITER: You too.

CHIEF: u gaiz opin mai prezints 1st k? / kthxbai

ARBITER: This is unlike you.

[Chief gives present to Arbiter]

CHIEF: just stfu adn opin it faget

[Chief throws his present at Greg; they open it]

ARBITER: Coupon books? Seriously?

(COOPON BUK foar ARBITUR)

CHIEF: HAPPEH CHRISMISSES.

(COOPON BUK foar greg)

[Arbiter reads his coupon book]

(this coopon entitels teh usar 2: OEN FRƎƎ KIK IN TEH BALLZ)

ARBITER: How colorful.

[Greg reads his]

(this coopon entitels teh usar 2: FUCK OFF GAY SPIEDR u suk)

CHIEF: K NAO GIMME MIEN

[Chief jumps at his present]

ARBITER: ... Merry Christmas.

[beat]

CHIEF: OMG / omg omg omg / NO WAI / srsly?!1one+shift!1 / FUCKIGN AWSIM / SANTAS SO BEAST

Scene 6: House of cards Edit

[Arbiter is building a house of cards with Greg]

ARBITER: What's your favourite game? I don't think I asked you yet.

GREG: separation anxiety

ARBITER: For SNES and Genesis? That's a sweet game.

[beat]

ARBITER: Do you like it 'cause it's sweet though, or because of all the spider stuff?

GREG: both I guess lol

[Arbiter puts another card on top]

GREG: whats urs

ARBITER: I can never decide between Ocarina and MM. I can't say "Majora" right for some fucking reason. Leaving one out feels like sacrilege.

GREG: not a fan of clock in mm

ARBITER: Yeah, I guess that's the thing that breaks it for some people. But you've got the backwards song of time, so personally I don't see what the big deal is.

GREG: trufax

[The TV is heard]

JOSH: Hey, my name is Josh, I'm with Severely Outdated Information Magazine and today we are reporting live from the building site of a church that will hold a real Halo wedding. The groom, of course, being the infamous Trent Donnovich.

ARBITER: What do you make of these video game weddings?

GREG: weird

ARBITER: Not too keen on them myself.

GREG: whatev tho

ARBITER: Yeah. Whatever floats their boat. At least they're bringing people together... In a very non-together way.

[beat]

ARBITER: Years from now in a scorched post-apocalypse I'll probably still be shuffling around alone. Scavenging the earth for functioning N64 cartridges.

GREG: what about chief

ARBITER: What ABOUT Chief? I don't count him as a person, let alone a friend. He's just a wild, horny, slobbering animal. And a fanboy.

GREG: same thing lol

ARBITER: Hahahahahaha! ...Anyway.

[beat]

ARBITER: I just wish my life had a purpose.

GREG: didnt u crash a wedding lol

ARBITER: Did Chief mention that? He's the one who fucked it up. I didn't do anything.

[beat]

ARBITER: ...Funny as hell, though. They had fusion coils around the altar for decoration and Chief splasered them. Caused a chain reaction and blew the whole fucking place up. Bride and groom were exchanging vows, too. I was trying so hard not to laugh after.

GREG: chief said u said ud do it again

ARBITER: I did... But people say things. I wouldn't do it. Chief shouldn't have destroyed that ceremony. It was wrong.

JOSH: Wedding his girlfriend of an impressive three weeks near the end of January, Trent has a lot on his hands. But still manages to squeeze in a little hardcore gaming like yours truly, as well as management of his own game development company.

ARBITER: I wish this Trent guy the best.

JOSH: You're looking forward for big day in Halo 3: Reach, Mr. Donnovich?

TRENT: Yeah, for sure.

JOSH: On another note, do you have anything to say regarding your recent sacking of a lot of your staff?

TRENT: Oh, well, a lot of them were just writers and story editors, and to be honest those are elements that my company isn't focused on. Games are about killing whatever is on screen and advancing to next area and that's all they've ever been about. We want to concentrate on efforts to make that principal dynamic as engaging as possible. Besides, I'd like to think about it as doing these guys a favor, really. Writing's too easy, and I'm forcing them to seek a more challenging form of work.

ARBITER: On second thought...

House of Cards

[Arbiter tries to put another card; the house collapses]

ARBITER: Dammit.

JOSH: Well, I don't wanna keep you, I'm sure you're a busy guy. I gotta get busy too. Busy playing some Halo. Not to mention giving pro-tips for these cool cats! That is to say - my viewers. I guess I will see you in Halo 3: Reach on the day in January---!

TRENT: Okay, you said "Halo 3: Reach" again. I wasn't kinda saying anything, but now I am. What's... your problem, are you, like... retarded or... do you just actually not know anything about games, or what?

JOSH: Uhhh...

ARBITER: Tough gig.

ARBITER: Wow. This just gave me an awesome idea.

[Cut to Chief who has unpacked his present: his foot. he puts some glue, then stands on it]

[???? starts playing in the background]

CHIEF: teh chi3f is back baybee / LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!11!one

[he falls down]

CHIEF: FUCK / :( { sad face }

[credits]

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