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← "Rock Bottom" "Hypernews I" "Drunken Halo" →

TranscriptEdit

Scene 1: Time machine setEdit

Opening credits roll.

  • Arbiter: "Ready to roll, Greg?"
  • Chief: "Bettar be or its ur ass bustar"
  • Arbiter: "...Recording? Great."
  • Arbiter: "[to audience] Good afternoon. And welcome to our little show. I'm your host, Ar-"
  • Chief: "im ur host / mastur cheef"
  • Arbiter: "We are your hosts-"
  • Chief: "I am, im ur host"
  • Arbiter: "Have you ever felt nostalgic? I do every day, I'm a nostalgia junkie. And I've often wondered, wouldn't it be fantastic if we could go back just for a little bit? Well now we can. Follow me. You can't tell anyone though okay? It's top secret."
  • Chief: "If u tell anyones imma cum 2 ur house and beet ur ass maiself / u c teh size of these gunz? flex / u dont wants meh 2 unload theese on ur punk a$$"
  • Arbiter: ""How do we go back?" I hear you asking, with this."

Arbiter stands beside a time machine prop with a sign indicating "past" or "future".

  • Arbiter: "We've constructed a time machine. I could show you how we built it but it all gets very technical and complex, so for now let's just enjoy it's function and shoot backwards in time. Honest to god it works. I've tested it, and its perfectly safe."
  • Chief: "all wer gon n33d is ur credit card numberz / LOL / butt sursly also cardholdar naems and sekurity codez plex"
  • Arbiter: "He's joking of course. What we do need you to do though is maintain eye-contact during warp, otherwise you may be left behind. And we don't want that. The machine sends it's information through your eyes, something like that."

The sign spins around to past.

  • Chief: "y teh fuck r we going back 2 teh nighnties agen? halo didn't eve cums out till 2 thousinds and one"
  • Arbiter: "Hopefully we'll broaden chief's horizons a little bit on this trip. Chief? Greg? Ready as spaggetti?"
  • Chief: "w/ meetballs / lol"
  • Arbiter: "Greg's our cameraman by the way. Say hi to Greg, everybody."
  • Greg: [note in front of camera] hi :3
  • Chief: "just dont l00k at him / its a gud thing teh ugly fucks behind teh lens or he'd break it"
  • Arbiter: "Nothing wrong with being different, Chief. Now let's..."

Arbiter presses a foam button by the time machine.

  • Arbiter: "... Activate!" 
  • Chief: "ACTIVATE  AC- ACTIVATE"

The screen blurs and they somehow float into the air.

Chief hits his head on something.

Chief: "ow, mothar fucker!"

Scene 2: Hypernews setEdit

Several classic video games are seen scattered around the set. An "automatic" door decorated with a Hylian shield opens to  reveal Arbiter and Chief.

  • Arbiter: "Everyone here? We we did it! Welcome... to Hypernews! Your primary source for hyper news."
  • Chief: "HHUUUURAAY!"

The door closes behind them.

  • Arbiter: "We have a real treat for you today. My co-host Master Ch-"
  • Chief: "IM ur host / only meh"
  • Arbiter: "... Will now grace the internet with an in-depth, hard-hitting review of one of my most favorite games of all time."
  • Chief: "Imma just tellign teh fax / quest chin is r u gonna gargle teh truth or swallow?"
  • Arbiter: "Excuse the revolting imagery, it's all in good fun."
  • Chief: "O LOOK AT U UR so politicly correkt u wet end / shut up"
  • Chief: [to audience] "hai / im ur host mastur cheef / an today ill be reviewing this piece of shit!1one"

Chief gestures to the cartridge of "The Legend of Zelda: Ocairina of Time"

Scene 3: Living roomEdit

Chief plugs in the cartridge and turns on the Nintendo: 64 console. He shows the controller to the audience.

  • Chief: "first i'd just liek 2 remind nintendo that ppls dot haz thr33 hands / unless im suposed 2 suck on one of thees or stick it up mai ass"

The Ocarina of Time title cinematic is seen playing.

  • Chief: "rite off teh bats, the first thing ull notice is teh incredibly shitty graffix / quite frankly thees r teh worst graffix ive evar seen / even foar teh eighties they cud be tightened up a bit"

Chief is seen picking a save file slot for his game.

  • Chief: "when u gets 2 teh main menus ull notice a compleet lack of multyplayar and dlc / REALLY nintendo? REALLY? [beat] REALLY?? no dethmatch? capture teh ocarina? mebbeh sum othir tunics? foar a few coins a pop?"
  • Arbiter: "Please don't actually do that, Nintendo. I'm begging you."
  • Chief: "ARBITUR SHUT UP WHILE IM SP33KING TEH REEL TRUTH SON / SOMEONE HAS 2"

Chief tries to write his name for the save game but can't finish because it has too many letters.

  • Chief: "FUCK"

A Zelda multiplayer screenshot is shown.

  • Chief: "sum1 else had 2 maek multyplayer zelda cuz nintendo wuz too goddamn lazy / its just a mod foar a shitty old gaem tho"
  • Chief: "unfortunaetly all were stuck with on this big ugly cartrige is a very unsaetisfying singel player champagne"

The game's first cutscene is seen playing.

  • Chief: "im probably maeking all teh nintendorks rage but their also cool w/ playign as a small boy in a tiny dress / U GONNA TRUST MEH OR A BUNCH OF CHILD HUNGRY PEDESTRIANS [beat] GOOD / moving on"

The first level begins and Chief starts playing.

  • Chief: "after an infinit cutsc33n u finally taek control of zelda"

A shot of the controller is shown again.

  • Chief: "or at l33st as close to "controel" as u can get w/ this fisher price aborshun"

Chief is seen playing.

  • Chief: "UR FIRST MISHUN IS TO RUN AROUND STEALING MONEY FROM THE OTHER CHILDRENS / WHAT A GREAT MESSAGE TO SEND OUT TO AN ENTIER GENERATOR OF KIDS / CANT AFOERD WEPINZ? / GO OUT AND STEAL A BUNCH OF SHIT / way to spawn an army of melons"
  • Arbiter: "Felons."
  • Chief: "oops!1 / dunno were i got melons from lol / o yea ur mom"
  • Arbiter: "Goddammit, Chief. Enough."

The games equipment menu is seen.

  • Chief: "its also worth noting that thers no gunz or gernades in this gaem"

Chief is shown in a conversation with another character.

  • Chief: "ACSHULY MOST OF THE TIME TEH GAEM FORSES U 2 WALK UP TO PPL AND TALK TO THEM / IF I WANT 2 TALK TO PPL ILL GET SKYPES OR MSN / EXCUSE MEH NINTENDO BUT I PLAY VIDEO GAEMS TO BE ENTIRTAINED"

The conversation ends and Chief is shown trying to attack the AI character.

  •  Chief: "HOW DO I CUT THEYRE GODDAMN HEDS OFF"

He continues playing.

  • Chief: "u get a swrod and a dooku shield neer teh begining but teh shields is a piece of shit that burns up imeditely if ur atacked by fires / fortunatly u get teh hyman sheeld later on that cant get broke"

Scene 4: HypermailEdit

An air raid siren comes on and several papers come down a plastic chute.

  • Arbiter: "Oh, looks like we've got some Hypermail."
  • Chief: "Didn't we set ^ that account munths ago?"
  • Arbiter: "First we'd just like to thank all the fans who have watched the show or have sent us mail."

Arbiter picks up a letter.

  • Arbiter: "This one's from Jessie:" Can we have sex?"..."
  • Chief: "boy or gurl?"
  • Arbiter: "Not sure."
  • Chief: "fuck it / next 1 / frum Julian: " Can I have sex with Chief?" / thx lol"
  • Arbiter: "Why does everyone want to have sex with us? This is creepy."
  • Chief: "is Julian a chick naem?"
  • Arbiter: "I don't think so, Chief."
  • Chief: "goddammit!"
  • Arbiter: "This one's from Dev Rick: " Why is Chief always getting himself hurt? It would be a shame if there were a  whole bunch of Master Chief bits lying around."...I dunno that sounds pretty sweet to me Rick."
  • Chief: "frum Enrico: " Hi guys, I was wondering witch is the scariest video game of all time?" / ocarina of tiem cuz of how bad it is"
  • Arbiter: "I'd say Amnesia ... or Eternal Darkness, or Silent Hill-"
  • Chief: "ya wut evar / congadgelashuns arbitur u no gaem names / u want a fucking biscut? speeking of ocarina of tiem it's tiem 2 go finesh mai review / to teh ROFLCOPTER! cl33n this shit up"

Chief leaves spinning his arms like a helicopter.

  • Chief: "SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI "

Arby' n the Chief e-mail address appears on screen.

  • Arbiter: "If you want to send us mail, please e-mail it to this address for a chance to have it read on the show."
  • Chief: "chix only"
  • Arbiter: "All are welcome."

Chief is seen playing again.

  • Chief: "so aftar u saev count dooku who fucking dies right after n e ways"
  • Arbiter: "Holy shit your retarded!"
  • Chief: "You leave cock ear forrest and ur gurly frend sera whos still not in teh kitchen 2 collekt sum rocks,"

A menacing owl is seen blocking his path.

  • Chief: "that is if ur redy foar a case of cronic irritable owl syndrome ROFL"
  • Arbiter: "I gave him that one."
  • Chief: "shut up arbitur"

The owl flies away and Chief continues.

  • Chief: "once he goes to choak on sum dicks u get to c just hao bad this gaems grafix r / hyman fields is flatter than arbiturs mother / hyman castle isn't much bettar / l00king liek a kids cardboard cut out / thers no cars either / u haz a horsy butt u cant use him untill half way thru teh gaem wen ur big zelda"

Chief continues on through the climax of the game.

  • Chief: "onuce u beet wrex and jabba the jabbas testicles u taek ur rocks to teh ancient church and get a special gift"

Chief continues as "Big Zelda".

  • Chief: "Then u founds out that evil lord gyrados is messing up hyman reel bad and u haz 2 go kick his ass / nao u can go gets ur horsy if u want butt he's doing tiem and u haz to break him out of horse jail fist"

Chief rides the horse across a field.

  • Chief: "u can maek ur horsy go fastar by putting carrots in his ass by pressing A as fast as u can but if u put in to many he gets pissed off / WHICH IS FUCKING RETARTED SINSE IT SLOWS THE GAEM DOWN / U SHUD BE ABLE TO MAEK UR HORSIE RUN CONSTINTLY / know wat i m33n?" 

Cut to Chief fighting a Skulltula.

  • Chief: "frum heer u just fight sum moar laem ass bosses and collect teh five majik frisbies / then u just banish gyridos 4evar / cud this gaem be any more fucking linnear? hao about sum variety / sum incoming enemy fantoms? and anothar thign, the graffix / THER FUCKING TERRIBLE"

Chief is seen on the Hypernews set.

  • Chief: "so on a scale o negativ 1 to negatives ten i give ocarina of tiem a negetiv eleven / zillion / this is teh worst gaem ive evar played in mai lief / back 2 u arbitur"
  • Arbiter: "Okay-"
  • Chief: "just foar a littel bit cuz remembir im host"
  • Arbiter: "We've reached the end of our first episode of Hypernews anyway, Chief."
  • Chief: "rly?"
  • Arbiter: "Yes."
  • Chief: "bout fucking tiem / i needs meh sum r33ch"
  • Arbiter: "Unfortunately we can't live in the past forever. No reason we can't come back next episode though. Let's go, remember, maintain eye-contact and..."

He presses the button.

  • Arbiter: "... Activate!"
  • Chief: "ACTIVATE AC- ACTIVATE"

The screen blurs and they float away, Chief hits his head again.

  • Chief: "goddammit!"

Credits roll. The end.

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