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← "Double Trouble" "Hypernews II" "Stag Night" →

TranscriptEdit

Scene 1: Time machine setEdit

Opening credits roll.

Chief is seen sitting on the oven as Techno music plays.

  • Chief: "[to audience] u r so not rdy 4 this"

A montage of Chief's penis drawings is shown.

  • Chief: "EVERYBODY TAKE A SEAT / AND WATCH THIS TREAT ITS REALY NEAT / ITLL SURELY MAEK UR LIFE COMPLET AND MAEK U SKEET UR MALE GAMEETE /  HYPERNEWS IS FUCKING L33T AND SO IS THIS FANTASSTIC B33T / SO LETS ALL JUMP LIEK CATS IN H33T AND CHECK MY AWESOME CARTOON M33T ITS TECHNODICKS / TECHNO TECHNO TECHNO TECHNO TECHNODICKS / ITS TECHNO DICKS"

The montage ends and Arbiter is seen standing center frame.

  • Arbiter: "Deplorable. [beat] Many thanks to Chief for that offensive and irrelevant introduction. Also if you'd like to purchase some of Chief's musical works including his smash hit single "Activate", instead you can downlaod a sequencer demo and recreate them yourself in about four seconds. [sarcastic] But rivaling his lyrical genius would be another matter. it would take a truly remarkable mind to do so, I think."
  • Chief: "ACTIVAET / AC-ACTIVATE"
  • Arbiter: "Welcome back to Hypernews folks. We're your hosts, the Arbiter and Master Chief"
  • Chief: "arbitur we has b33n over this..."
  • Arbiter: "Shut up,Chief. If you're new to Hypernews, using our time machine we'll be travelling back a few decades to what is arguably gaming's golden age to replay some of the classics. Or more specifically, to listen to Chief's incredible reviews of them. They're really something.
  • Chief: "u gots that rite buddeh"
  • Arbiter: "As before, we'll need you to maintain constant eye contact during warp in order to be carried along with us. Try not to blink. Otherwise you'll run the risk of dismemberment. Same goes for the return journey, obviously. Greg? Chief? You guys ready?"
  • Chief: "just press it loser"

Arbiter tries to push the button.

  • Arbiter: "Let's..."
  • Chief: "WAIT. isnt it still sets on teh futuer"

Arbiter sees the sign set to future.

  • Arbiter: "Shit. You're right. Went there accidentally the other day. I recall the best selling game at the time was Nintendo Allstars: Modern Warfare,where you can play as Mario, Link, Star Fox, Kirby, and all your favorite Nintendo characters in the fight to stop Middle Eastern terrorists from launching a nation-wide attack on America."
  • Chief: "that soundz terrible / who teh hell wants 2 plays as nintendo characters"

The sign changes to past

  • Arbiter: "Let's..."

Arbiter proceeds to push the button.

  • Arbiter: "... Activate!"

The screen blurs and they fly into the air.

Scene 2: Hypernews setEdit

The automatic door opens and reveals Chief piggyback riding on Arbiter's shoulders.

  • Chief: ":) [smiley face]"

Arbiter carries him into the set.

  • Chief: "GIDDYUP HORSIE / FASTAR"
  • Arbiter: "No."
  • Chief: "too bad i doesnt have any carrots / LOL"
  • Arbiter: "Goddamn your heavy.

The automatic door closes.as arbiter speaks

  • Arbiter: "Okay, get off. You'll put me in traction."

Arbiter throws Chief off.

  • Chief: "ow / :( [sad face]"
  • Arbiter: "A word of caution. If you'd like your childhood to remain intact please stop the video and leave this page now."
  • Chief: "but then ud also b rejecting teh truths / and u dusn't wants 2 do that does u / of course not"
  • Arbiter: "What a pickle."
  • Chief: "thats wut ur she sed / LOL"
  • Arbiter: "Sigh."

The Goldeneye case is seen and the James Bond theme music plays.

  • Chief: "alright fuckers listen ^ / i resintly had teh misfourchins of playing james bonds on nintendo 64 and im gonna tells u y its quiet poseble teh wrost gaems evir"

A screenshot from "Goldeneye" for the Nintendo Wii is shown, though is actuallity a screenshot from the game The Conduit, also for Wii

  • Chief: "im not evin talkign about wee jaems bonds / U THOT THIS GRAFFIX WAS BAD? / HOLD ONTO UR BUTTS"

Scene 3: Chief's reviewEdit

The Goldeneye menu cutscene is seen playing.

  • Chief: "in all honestly this is teh worst gaem nintendo has evir develeped / worse than stars fox and the donkey king / BUT DO NOT GETS ME STARTID ON THEM

Chief is seen navigating the main menu.

  • Chief: "when u starts the gaem u doesnt gets n e of teh cheats / ur forced 2 go strait 2 the champagne / also all teh cool cheats r basicaly imposibel to unlock / good job nintendo (Y)

First Chief is seen sitting on the couch and then gameplay is shown.

  • Chief: "thankfuly they had teh braen 2 put in a fucking multipalyers moed but it canot go onlien wich is a majer isues / nintendo 4got 2 give teh 64 teh innernets / u can only plays with ppl in ur house / develepers develepers develepers develepers / listen closelie 2 wat im abot 2 says. / STOP THIS SPLIT SCR33N SHIT / IDIETS / everyoen has theyre own consoel and tv now / theyre is no n33d 2 have ppls in ur house n e moar / get with teh programm / playing next 2 other swety guys on 1 tv is gay as fuck anyway"

Chief is seen playing the first level.

  • Chief: "teh frist lvl is called "dam" / wen it shuld b caled / "dam this level sucks" / LOL"
  • Arbiter: "Please, if you all would... a round of applause for that one."
  • Chief: "THIS GAEM IS AWFUL GRAFIX / if u cant alridy s33s that 4 urself i will proov it"

A Halo 3 poster and a Goldeneye screenshot side by side are shown.

  • Chief: "on the left is the screenshots from halo reech. / on the right is the screenshots of james bonds. / as u can c reech has much beter grafix / teh pixels r actualy way beter than the james bonds pixels "

Chief is seen struggling with both hands on the joystick.

  • Chief: "nitnedno 64 is the worst consoels for a guns game bcuz the controlers only has 1 sticks / u move and l00ks rounds with teh saem ones / y doesnt they just maed it like xbox? / dumbasses"

Chief is seen talking to 006.

  • Chief: "n33r teh beginigns of the gaem on the facility level teh germans kills ur best friend alex trebek but later u find out hes actualy golden eye and u has 2 stop him b4 he blows up teh erth with his golden eyes or watever / u dosnt gets 2 kill golden eye till teh end of the gaem tho / way 2 drag out teh story nintnendo / teh entire gaem is basicly fillers"

Chief is seen dual wielding different weapons.

  • Chief: "u can carries duelies of like a millien wepens at once / um / sry nintendo / but this is not reillistic. / halo is much more reilistic / in halo u can only caries 2 guns / that is mch moer reilistic / thats what its like in teh army / this is just dumb / u cant evin jumps / how retarted is that / how does i suposed to dodge bulets"
  • Arbiter: "Sorry to obstruct your river of bullshit but really, why can't we have huge arsenals like this today? Come on, this was 1997."
  • Chief: "its not reilistic moron"
  • Arbiter: "So what?!"

Chief is seen in a firefight, the villains orders are written on screen.

  • Chief: "there is no voices in this gaem / all in gaem dyealogs is texts / the games expects u 2 knows how 2 read / wat about everyoen else? / does nintendo haets peeple that r illegibel? gess what / thats racest. / and racests are illegel /nintendo stop hating ilegible ppl or ima call the cops on u k? / LOOOL"

A female NPC is seen following Chief, he kills her.

  • Chief: "just wHen u thots james bonds cant get n e moar worser, at sum parts during teh gaem u gets chased arond by a big ugly man but if u kill him u fails teh mission / wtf / care 2 explaen that one nintendo / im  very confuse / this is very bad gaem dezine."

Chief is seen getting killed.

  • Chief: "srsly all u do is point shoot and moves froward / this gaem is for babbies / a babbies culd plays this game easy / same with evry other nintendo 64 games / it wasnt til xbox when all the industrees realise adults like me like to plays gaems too / i give jaems bonds a 0 / wr0st gaem evir"

Scene 4: HypermailEdit

Arbiter is seen in the Hypernews set.

  • Arbiter: "And now... Before we answer some Hypermail. In association with Severely Outdated Information Magazine I'm very happy to present to you a rare interview with Bad Games CEO and soon-to-be in-game groom... Trent Donnovich."

Footage of Trent being interviewed by Josh Butterballs at his church is shown.

  • Josh: "What's going on, guys? My name's Josh, I'm with Severely Outdated Information Magazine and I'm here with Trent Donnovich, CEO of Bad Games, who's gonna tell us a little bit about his latest project, Guns of Honor. Thanks a lot for talking with us, Trent."
  • Trent: "Please, call me mister Donnovich."
  • Josh: "R-Right, sorry, Mister Donnovich. So, tell us a little bit about Guns of Honor."
  • Trent: "Well, before we started working on the project we had a look at what other developers were doing and what was selling the best, and our research showed that military shooters are in fact the best kind of game, so that's the direction we decided to head in."
  • Josh: "Some might argue that there's already an abundance of first person shooters, particularly centered around the American military, such as Duty Calls, Medals of Honor, The Battlefield..."
  • Trent: "Right, but I think they could use some little competition and its competition ultimately spawn better and better After all competition just leads to better and better games. That's healthy. So, yeah it's reassuring to know we're having a positive effect on the industry."
  • Josh: "So, what kind of gameplay will Guns of Honor will bringing to the table that we can look forward to?"
  • Trent: "Well, we're really trying to avoid delivering a linear experience and to focus on the idea of choice. We want to give players plenty of choiced to make throughout the game, for example, the player can choose to play efficiently and take down all the enemies in each level to progress, but the player can also choose, if he or she so wishes, to play inefficiently, but with such choices come a great consequences that particular choice ending with a game over, forcing the player to reset an attempt the level again. In Guns of Honor we really want to emphasize that actions have consequences and we believe with that we're crafting a very rich experience and we can't wait to see what people think about it."
  • Josh: "Well, it sounds fantastic! I'll be first in line to pre-order, I can tell you that."
  • Trent: "Well, that's great to hear. Guns of Honor will also feature really amazing graphics, not to toot my own horn but what we're creating is very cutting edge it that aspect."
  • Josh: "To tell you "I'm stoked" would be an understatement, Trent."
  • Trent: "Mister Donnovich."
  • Josh: "Oh course, I apologize, Mister Donnovich."
  • Trent: "It's cool, just don't do it again."
  • Josh: "I'm afraid that's all the time we have anyway. Thank you so much for speaking with us."
  • Trent: "Thank you"
  • Josh: "I also wish you a happy wedding day"
  • Trent: "Thanks, it'll be really be something"
  • Josh: "I'm Josh with Severely Outdated Information Magazine, thank you for watching."

The interview ends. The Hypermail siren goes off.

  • Arbiter: "There we go. It's that time again, boys and girls! Time to answer some Hypermail."
  • Chief: "oh boy / no f00lin?"
  • Arbiter: "No foolin', Chief."
  • Chief: "pass meh a bunch"

Arbiter throws a bunch of papers on him.

  • Chief: "fucker"
  • Arbiter: "Let's see what we've got here. We're getting a surprising amount of Hypermail from female fans. This is great!"
  • Chief: "ther is no girls on teh internets arbitur"
  • Arbiter: "Oh no? This one's from Heather " Hello Guys! I'm Heather, let me say that Arbiter, you're my total fave! It's hard to find sensitive, intellectual and sweet characters these days. (well atleast ones that don't cry all the time) Anyway, you see, I would like to have a boyfriend. How would I get a guy to like me, and in a way, let kim know I'm interested in him? Please don't tell me to be myself because it seems every time I do that they don't even notice! - Heather". That's a shame, Heather."
  • Chief: "showa him ur b00bies / next"
  • Arbiter: "I think the key is to surround yourself with people who WILLl notice and like you for who you are, Heather. The moment you stop being true to yourself you're setting yourself up for failure."
  • Chief: "ur a huge faget / being urself nevir works"
  • Arbiter: "In your case I'm not surprised, Chief. As far getting a guy to notice you, it's not very hard. Men respond largely to appearance. It's hardly a secret."
  • Chief: "exactly / just do wat i says"
  • Arbiter: "But the good ones also take notice of intelligence. And be confident. Confidence goes a long way. But don't be in-your-face about it. Find a balance. Good luck, and thanks for watching the show!"
  • Chief: "for futuer referinses if ur a chick and ur gona send us mail plz atach nudez / didnt think i had 2 point out the oblivious / kthxbai/ from michael / "hai arnie and chief..." / lol / ARNIE /..." i have a quest chin 4 ch33f / where does babbies come from btw [by the way] arby liek the new l00k." / :) [smiley face]"
  • Arbiter [sarcastic]: "Oh boy. And thanks, Michael."
  • Chief: "well michael babbies comes from ur penis / theyre is lots of little babbies in ur penis / but then u puts them in a womans and they turns into big babbies and then they p00ps them out into ppl / liek those dinosoar things wen u puts them in water / and thats were babbies comes from / the end"
  • Arbiter: "Cased closed. This one is from Brandon." This one is for the both of you. What are your favorite tv shows?" Breaking Bad."
  • Chief: "braeking bad sucks"
  • Arbiter: "No it doesn't, retard."
  • Chief: "every1 knows maury r teh greatest shows evir made"
  • Arbiter: "[beat]Well I have to agree Maury is quite incredible."
  • Chief: "told u / this mails is from ian / "hey gaiz / i have alwaes wondered / which do u think is teh best halo gaem?" REECH IS BEST HALO GAEM"
  • Arbiter: "I have to agree that Reach is probably the best one overall. Though I'm pretty sure it's only Chief's favorite purely because it's the newest one."
  • Chief: "y else dumass"
  • Arbiter: "I still think Combat Evolved had the best campaign though and remains a close second to Reach as the best halo. This one is from Jonah. " This question is for Greg. Can we have sex?" ... ...Dude."
  • Chief: "LOL / what the fuck"
  • Arbiter: "It's bad enough people want to have sex with US. Spider sex is where we draw the line. Not cool, Jonah. Not cool. And this last one's from Derek. "This one is for you, Chief: When are you going to realize that you're fucking retarded and that you have no intelligence whatsoever?"..."
  • Chief: "[beat] tells you what derek / watch mai harmonica of tiem review and this james bonds review carefuly / actualy think about wat im saying / then come back and says that 2 me with a strait face / or go fuck yourself / watever works best 4 u"
  • Arbiter: "Tiem to head back, Chief"
  • Chief: "thank god"
  • Arbiter: "Thanks for joining us for another episode of Hypernews. We hope you enjoyed your time with us.

The sign changes to future

  • Arbiter: "Keep your eyes on the screen, guys! Get ready to..."

He punches the button.

  • Arbiter: "... Activate!"

The screen blurs and they fly away. Chief hits his head.

  • Chief: "fuck! :( [sad face]"

Credits roll. The end.

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