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Scene 1: Jon's ApartmentEdit

Arbiter is playing Castlevania: Symphony of the Night on Jon's PSP Go while Master Chief remains in shock from seeing Minecraft's graphics. Master Chief has been paralyzed for nine days.

  • Arbiter: Damnit. Where? Where the hell are you? What is it that I'm not seeing?

The PSP Go game started making sounds.

  • Arbiter: 'Kay Chief, I get it. You think I'm a huge asshole for playing a game that isn't suited to your particular tastes. Hysterical. You are so totally on the money. Maybe it's about time you stepped down from the desk? I'd be lying to you if I said the past nine days haven't been like a little vacation for me, but this gag is wearing a bit too thin for my liking.
  • Master Chief: ROFL YEAH "my partickuler taestes" -- sry arbitur, but i lieked gaemes that dusnt l00ked liek complete and udder shit / fuck me, right?
  • Arbiter: Good thing I'm not lactose-intolerant.
  • Master Chief: they're must be sumthing wrong with me rite arbitur??

Master Chief started stumping and bouncing around.

  • Master Chief: hurr derpa derp dee durr
  • Arbiter: There's definitely something wrong with you, Chief. There's? too much wrong with you. There's not a single thing that's right with you.
  • Master Chief: ive just been trying 2 wrapped mai head around how much of a fucking homo u r
  • Arbiter: I'd be at a loss for words if you managed to wrap your head around anything. And I trust you're in possession of some research that supports the link between video games and human sexual perference?
  • Master Chief: yeh ive got ur reserch rite h33r, kn33l down
  • Arbiter: I'd prefer a journal. Maybe a pie chart, something like that. Something slightly more scientifically substantial than sucking your microscopic cock.
  • Master Chief: says the gai who l00ks liek sumbody just busted a nut all ovar his fucking face
  • Arbiter: It's glue, Chief.
  • Master Chief: YEAH OK ARBITUR / ne ways the pr00fs are in the giga pudding / that gaem u were playing, watever the fuck its called, sucks giant fucking dix. its two thousinds and twelve for fuck sakes, theirs no excuses foar gaems 2 l00ked liek ass ne moar / if i had an eye brows id costanza'd u so fucking hard
  • Arbiter: Anything but that. Because I care so much about what you think. It'd be like a knife in my heart.
  • Master Chief: wats the big d33ls, i thot u luved being penitrated LOL
  • Arbiter: When I woke up this morning I promised myself that I wouldn't let you spoil my day. I intend to keep that promise. Find something to occupy yourself with and leave me be, would you?
  • Master Chief: what the fuck r u playing nao, huh?
  • Arbiter: Sigh. Symphony of --
  • Master Chief: let me gess, sum moar gay ass stone age bullshit / fucking casual / its ur faults that the vidya indiss trees sucks so much fucking cocks, u knew that rite? QUIT BEAN A PART OF THE FUCKING PROBLIMS, SHITHEAD / u culd b a part of the solushins and be hardcore as fuck liek me bro / ALMOEST as hardcore as me ;)
  • Arbiter: I'm greener than your armor with envy, Chief. I actually did feel like playing some Halo earlier, but the online's down. Server maintenance.
  • Master Chief: OMG r u fucking kiding me? SO I CANT PLAY HALOS??
  • Arbiter: Prep the orchestra, pop the champagne -- Chief reached a logical conclusion, everybody. No sarcasm, by the way -- this is truly a momentous occasion that I think ought to be celebrated. I'd like to positively reinforce this feat into a higher frequence of occurrence.

Master Chief started stumping on the table.

  • Arbiter: I'm content, personally. I welcome an excuse to catch up with some retro titles.
  • Arbiter: This is Canada. Learn to Earth.

Chief continues stumping.

  • Master Chief: FUCK / FUCKING SHIT FUCK
  • Arbiter:? Hey,? hey! What the fuck is your problem?

Master Chief stopped stumping.

  • Arbiter: Settle down. And grow the fuck up while you're at it.
  • Master Chief: NO U GROW UP
  • Arbiter: Fucking child.
  • Master Chief: NO U R / NO U NO U NO U NO U NO U NO U NO U NO U
  • Arbiter: Jesus Christ. What the hell was I thinking? I should never have opened my fucking mouth. Again. Ever.
  • Master Chief: THATS WAT UR MOM SED

Chief sats down on the table. Then he looks at the pudding bottle, and thought of an idea. Then Chief turned the volume down on the computer while Arbiter is trying to get 200.6 map completion.

  • Arbiter: I give up. I've searched every goddamn inch of this fucking castle and I'm still just shy of two hundred-point-six percent completion.

Arbiter throws the PSP Go on the floor, then stands up and walks toward the computer.

  • Arbiter: Clear off for a few minutes, would you? I need the computer.

Arbiter then reaches the top of the computer.

  • Arbiter: This is driving me up the wall. GameFAQs probably has full map --

Then Master Chief ejaculates at Arbiter.

  • Master Chief: ROFLMAO / w00psie daisies / dun wury arbitur its k, nuthing ur not used to

End credits.

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