King/Transcript

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This is the transcript of the Season 3 finale, King.

Scene 1: Jon's Apartment

[Arbiter and Master Chief are seen playing Halo 3 together; both of them are about to play a game entitled "Rockets on Snowbound" online]

ARBITER: Seriously... rockets on Snowbound? Whoever thinks up these games is probably on crack.

CHIEF: THIS IS C00L

[Arbiter tries to veto joining the game's server by pressing "X" on the controller]

ARBITER: Press X.

CHIEF: NO

[Not listening to Chief, Arbiter presses "X" on Chief's controller as well. Chief slowly and angrily turns to face Arbiter]

CHIEF: UR A FUCKIGN FAGG0T

ARBITER: Cry me a river. Veto accepted! Yes!

[The next game that Arbiter and Chief are going to play is revealed to be "Crazy King on Guardian"; the game also shows the other players who Arbiter and Chief are going to play against]

ARBITER: NO! Fuck King of the Hill! King of the Hill sucks ass!

CHIEF: i liek kign of teh hil

ARBITER: Yeah, you WOULD like King of the Hill.

Scene 2: Guardian

[On the Guardian map, Chief is seen heading for the map's sniper tower as Arbiter watches him]

ARBITER: You are predictable as hell. You always run to the top of that fucking tower and just throw grenades down onto the hill over and over. It doesn't even get you any points! All it does is piss everyone off!

[As Chief reaches the top of the tower, he sees that two other players (a Spartan and an Elite) are already there, who turn to face him]

MASTUR CHEEF: Go away! This is our secret spot!

• teh arbitur: Yeah!

CHIEF:: MIEN NAO TURDS, GO EAT LEGO OR SUMTHIGN

MASTUR CHEEF: W-Wait a minute. You sound really familiar!

• teh arbitur: Oh my god, it's you, isn't it? From the Arby 'n' the Chief!

[Two other players are seen on a lower portion of the map, two Spartans. One is black and red, the other is white and red]

• GynaCOOLogist: Yo, did you see the new Darkspire video?
• Colbert Fan: Yeah, it was pretty cool.
• GynaCOOLogist: So what do you say we team up against these limp dicks?
• Colbert Fan: Well that wouldn't be very fair...
• GynaCOOLogist: Pussy!

[On an even lower level of the map, a Blue Spartan is seen running up to a higher level]

• Butt Beard: Reconstruction rules! WOOOOOO YEAH!! Caboose for life!

[Slowly following after Butt Beard is another Spartan, in pink and light green armor]

FEELS GOOD MAN: Man, this game is craptacular.

Scene 3: Guardian (Glitched)

[As FEELS GOOD MAN and all the other players converge into battle, a short circuit occurs and suddenly the entire map turns dark red in hue]

ARBITER: What the hell?

• Butt Beard: Whoa, what's going on?

CHIEF: LOL WUT, wtf juts happened

MASTUR CHEEF: I dunno Chief. LOLOLOLOLOL!

• teh arbitur: [In unison with Mastur cheef] LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!
• MASTUR CHEEF: Hey! Is anyone else's game time limit still counting down?

ARBITER: Mine stopped.

• Butt Beard: Same.

FEELS GOOD MAN: What a surprise, this game's overrated, fail, and AIDS.

CHIEF: UR FAIL ADN AEDS

• Colbert Fan: Hey does anyone know what's going on? It's like the game just came to a standstill, we can't find the hill.

ARBITER:: Must be some kind of glitch. The game appears to be frozen but we aren't.

CHIEF: CAN WEH STIL GETS P0INTS?/

[Chief runs up to Butt Beard and kills him with a beatdown]

• Butt Beard: WHAT THE FUCK?!!

ARBITER: This isn't slayer, moron.

• GynaCOOLogist: This sucks ass! How long is this gonna last?

ARBITER: Not sure.

• Colbert Fan: Maybe we should all just quit and search for another game.
• Butt Beard: To hell with that, I don't want to lose any experience!

FEELS GOOD MAN: Oh no, a fate worse than death, anything but losing experience. Boo-hoo you fag.

• Butt Beard: Why don't you just leave then, asshole.

FEELS GOOD MAN: I'm just here for the "lulz."

ARBITER: Let me guess. Anon?

FEELS GOOD MAN: Pleasure to meet your acquaintence.

[mastur cheef and teh arbitur jump down from the tower and join the other players, confronting Arbiter]

• teh arbitur: Oh my god, and you're the Arbiter aren't you?!

MASTUR CHEEF: I-I-It really is you guys! This is so cool!

• GynaCOOLogist: What?

MASTUR CHEEF: You know! From that show, Arby 'n' the Chief!

• Butt Beard: Oh yeah, that show by "Digitalph33r" or whatever?

FEELS GOOD MAN: Oh my god, "Digital Queer" more like.

CHIEF: LOL YEH

• teh arbitur: It's "Jon CJG!"

MASTUR CHEEF: Yeah! He's called "Jon CJG" now, Butthead!

• GynaCOOLogist: Who gives a shit what he's called, Darkspine Films is way better anyway!
• Butt Beard: They're both lame! Rooster Teeth are the ones that started Halo Machinima, they're the only ones who can be the best

MASTUR CHEEF: Oh, so just because they were the first it means they're the best?

• Colbert Fan: I don't mind any of those directors but I find it disappointing that there's a lot of other talent out there that relatively speaking bearly gets any recognition.

FEELS GOOD MAN: Cool story bro, they ALL suck. Machinima in general's fucking fail. Period.

MASTUR CHEEF: YOU'RE FUCKING FAIL!

• Arbiter: Is there anything you DON'T regard as "fail and AIDS"?

FEELS GOOD MAN: Very little. This sucks, fuck you guys.

[FEELS GOOD MAN turns and leaves as GynaCOOLogist calls out to him]

• GynaCOOLogist: FUCK YOU! In fact, fuck all of you Butt Burglers as well. C'mon dude, Darkspire Film fads over here! WOOOOOOOOOO! Yeah!
• Colbert Fan: "Butt Burglers?" Was that really necessary?

[GynaCOOLogist and Colbert Fan both leave, leaving Butt Beard facing Arbiter, Chief, teh arbitur, and mastur cheef]

• Butt Beard: You've gotta be kidding. I'm seriously the only Rooster Teeth fan here? Honestly. I-I'm sorry am I the only sane person left? Alright that's it, I'm going over here.

[Butt Beard turns and leaves as well]

MASTUR CHEEF: Jon CJG is better!

• teh arbitur: Yeah!
• Butt Beard: Yeah you guys tell yourselves that, enjoy your excessive swearing and constant penis jokes.

MASTUR CHEEF: We will!

[Time passes within the game; no opinions or positions have changed, and Arbiter and Chief notice this]

ARBITER: Man, can you believe this Chief? Everyone's so bitter and divided over such trivial nonsense.

[mastur cheef and teh arbitur are seen approaching Butt Beard, who is crouching on a hill. As mastur cheef speaks to Butt Beard, GynaCOOLogist comes out of hiding to eavesdrop]

MASTUR CHEEF: Excuse me, we're collecting signatures for our petition to get "Jon CJG" to change his name back to "Digitalph33r," would you care to contribute?

• Butt Beard: No.
• GynaCOOLogist: Uh hey! Hey guys thay uh, that sounds like it's for a pretty good cause over there! You know what you're doing... Uh, c-can you run that uh, can you run that by me one more time?

MASTUR CHEEF: Oh, I said we're collecting signatures for our petition to get Jon CJG to--

• GynaCOOLogist: Uh, what's that? What's that? I-I'm sorry what did you say? Yeah you're, you're gonna have to take Digital Queer's cock out of your mouth first, I'm sorry. Yeah there's no two ways about. You're, you're just gonna have to do that because I can't hear what you're saying. Yeah, uh, yeah I can't hear. Can't hear.

MASTUR CHEEF: We're collecting signatures for--

• GynaCOOLogist: What? I'm sorry, all I hear is [imitates gagging noises] Yeah, you're just gonna have to take uh, you're just gonna have to take Jon's penis out of your mouth first cause I can't make out a words you're saying. Uh yeah, you're just gonna have to like, pull out his big throbbing erection cause I can't... Yeah, you know. Didn't your mother ever tell you talk with your mouth full? You know, cause I just, I just can't, I can't make out a word you're saying with that, with his big, throbbing cock in your mouth. I know. C-Can you hear Colbert? Yeah? Yeah I can. No? It's not just me? No? Yeah, yeah I can't make out what you're saying when you're mouth is full of cock. You know?

[Sometime later, mastur cheef and teh arbitur approach FEELS GOOD MAN]

MASTUR CHEEF:: Hi, we're--

FEELS GOOD MAN: Fuck off.

[mastur cheef and teh arbitur back away from FEELS GOOD MAN. Arbiter then approaches FEELS GOOD MAN on his own]

• ARBITER:: Hey.

FEELS GOOD MAN: [sighs] Here we go.

• ARBITER:Relax, I'm not a fanboy here to bend your ear. In fact I'd say I'm somewhere between "Colbert Fan" and yourself.

FEELS GOOD MAN:I hope you don't mean that literally.

ARBITER: Nice, gay joke.

FEELS GOOD MAN: Nah nah, in all seriousness I'm glad to hear that. Would you like to go make out or something?

ARBITER: Doesn't it depress you thinking that absolutely everything sucks?

FEELS GOOD MAN: No everything sucks, but a lot of things sure do.

[Arbiter then crouches next to FEELS GOOD MAN]

ARBITER: ...Well I'd be lying if I said I disagreed.

[mastur cheef and teh arbitur are seen with Chief]

MASTUR CHEEF: Say "soi soi soi soi!"

CHIEF: SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI

[mastur cheef and teh arbitur giggle at Chief's ROFLcopter]

• teh arbitur: Now say "sadface!"

CHIEF: :(

• teh arbitur: (giggles) That's awesome!

MASTUR CHEEF: So what's it like living with Jon? Does he know if you're alive? Is he fat?

• teh arbitur: Is it true he died in a car crash?

MASTUR CHEEF: Did he really contract Swine Flu?

• teh arbitur: Did he really try and circumcise himself with a kitchen knife?

[Arbiter and FEELS GOOD MAN are still sitting side-by-side]

ARBITER: What do you make of all this conflict?

FEELS GOOD MAN: Stupid as hell but somewhat amusing. Ultimately I'm in favor of anything that generates "lulz" as ridiculous as a situation may be, cause you gotta laugh right?

• ARBITER: I understand... although--

FEELS GOOD MAN: ALTHOUGH, you are a natural mediator. I look at this conflict and see entertainment, and you see it as something that needs to be resolved, which you're about to do aren't you?

[Arbiter gets up and walks away]

FEELS GOOD MAN: Just can't resist can ya? Fucking buzzkiller.

[Arbiter stands in the middle of the map to get everyone's attentions].

ARBITER: Look at us, guys! Look at us, divided amongst ourselves! Over what, machinima? Come on, for fuck's sake. This is no different from creating pointless hate topics across opposing community forums, Steam groups purely dedicated to the degradation of other specific groups or individuals, or whatever other stupid bullshit. Can't you guys see?

[During Arbiter's speech, Chief looks up at him. GynaCOOLogist and Colbert Fan come out from hiding and watch Arbiter. Arbiter then turns to face Butt Beard]

• ARBITER: You. "Butt Beard". You're a die-hard "Red vs. Blue" fan, right?
• Butt Beard: Well yeah.
• ARBITER: You claimed earlier that no-one else could be the best in the field of machinima because "Rooster Teeth" were the first to attempt cinema with Halo. Do you REALLY believe that? Do you really wish to codemn additional potential talent just because others beat them to the same medium? ...How do you envision yourself making a living in the future?
• Butt Beard: Well I... Sounds kind of stupid but I'd like to be a writer. I'm currently working on a romance novel actually.
• GynaCOOLogist: (laughs) That's fucking gay!
• Butt Beard: SHUT YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH!!

CHIEF: THATS JUST FABULOUS

ARBITER: Because you believe you have something to offer that other romance writers haven't already, right?

• Butt Beard: (sighs) Yeah...

ARBITER: That's great! Wouldn't it be a shame if other experienced romance novelists shot you down for contributing something new to the same medium?

[Arbiter turns and faces GynaCOOLogist]

ARBITER: "Gynecologist"!

• GynaCOOLogist: Actually it's GynaCOOLogist, because vaginas are cool.

ARBITER: As well as feeling like it's necessary to reinforce your masculinity with that stupid name, why must you insist to others that "Darkspire Films" is the best in the field of machinima? They might very well be in your opinion and hit your funny bone in a way that others can't, but what drives you to insist to others that they are? Is it not close-minded to think that everyone has an identical sense of humor and there's only one right way of doing things? Or is it because if you admit that anyone else is half-decent in the field of machinima, you'd feel like you're betraying "Darkspire"?

Arbiter turns back and faces Butt Beard again.

ARBITER: That applies to you too regarding "Rooster Teeth", "Butt Beard".

Arbiter turns to face everyone again.

ARBITER: The two of those groups, along with "Jon CJG" or whoever else is just a bunch of guys voicing their opnions and coming up with what they hope is entertaining material in order to simply make a comfortable living. I can almost guarantee that they'd get along if they were all to meet, so why can't their fans do the same? Why must they bicker amongst each other? It's sick!

Arbiter turns to face teh arbitur and mastur cheef.

ARBITER: As for you two, I think it's great you've decided to show "Jon CJG" so much support, but does it occur to you that perhaps your dedication is leaning a bit too far towards the extreme? Petitions for having his name changed? Obsessed with his personal life and appearance? It's a bit much, no?

Everyone is in silence for a few seconds until Chief breaks the silence by standing up.

• Master Chief: HES FAT LOL
• mastur cheef: Wow really?!
• teh arbitur: Hmmm. I should email him some dieting advice. My mom is a dietion.
• Master Chief: I THOUGHT SHE WAZ A PROSTITUTE

Arbiter turns to face FEELS GOOD MAN.

ARBITER: I'd involve YOU in the discussion but I assume you don't give a shit either way and just voice extreme opinions for comedic effect.

FEELS GOOD MAN: Pretty much. I'm actually recording all this right now. So much drama it's hilariously gay, keep going.

As Arbiter turns to face everyone again, Butt Beard, GynaCOOLogist, and Colbert Fan stop crouching and approach Arbiter.

ARBITER: We gotta learn to get along with one another and not to be so sensitive and defensive when it comes to our favorite sources of entertainment, not to mention we gotta learn to laugh at each other as well but without dealing or receiving any degradation.

• Colbert Fan: I don't know about you guys but I'm with the The Arbiter.
• GynaCOOLogist: (sighs) I suppose Darkspire Films has some competition out there. Not much though.
• Butt Beard: Yeah, same goes for Rooster Teeth I guess.
• GynaCOOLogist: Darkspire's better
• Butt Beard: Go to hell.
• mastur cheef: I guess Jon CJG's got some competition out there too. All the directors have their pros and cons.
• teh arbitur: Jon CJG isn't the best, no one is.
• Master Chief: i gess everythigns goign 2 b okae!1

Everyone finally reassembles back in the map's center, with the exception of FEELS GOOD MAN.

FEELS GOOD MAN: And cut, thank you! I gotta be honest with you guys. This sentimental moment of embracing tolerance was quite possibly the gayest thing I've ever seen. And in a video game! Nonetheless, comedy gold.

Suddenly, the red hue that was covering the entire map has now lifted and the original game of King of the Hill resumes.

• Master Chief: GAME ON, HEADS ON FAGGOT

Master Chief hops up and kills FEELS GOOD MAN with a beatdown kill, teabagging him shortly afterwards. GynaCOOLogist loads his assult rifles and kills Butt Beard during the distraction. Colbert Fan and mastur cheef start firing on one another, with mastur cheef killing Colbert Fan and GynaCOOLogist. Arbiter turns and kills both mastur cheef and teh arbitur. Suddenly, Master Chief betrays and kills Arbiter.

• Master Chief: ROFLMAO, IM THE BEST, THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST

Scene 4: Zanthar's Ship

In the deep recesses of space, approximently "Mysterious Alien Outer Space Spaceship, Gamma Quadrent, Zeegook Sector 849-55X3000, 394.6 Million Billion Trillion Lightyears from Planet Earth" a Purple spaceship is seen floating around in space. A scene then cuts to Todd, Travis, and Cortana, sitting on a bed. Todd and Travis have Xbox controllers.

• Todd: Well, it was nice of the aliens that abducted us from Jon's Apartment months ago to let us play one more game of Halo, before having sex with our butts and eating us alive. Don't you agree GynaCOOLogist?
• Travis: I sure do Colbert Fan. I wanted to leave Master Chief and The Arbiter a message saying that we had been kidnapped, but since I was caught in the Mothership's Tractor Beam and was hovering upwards, all I could manage to do was delete "Cold Storage" off of Jon's Xbox... P-Probably didn't clue them in though huh?
• Todd: No I don't think it did...
• Travis: Shit.
• Cortana: I'm just glad I'm finally lightyears away from Master Chief.
• Todd: You know I was just thinking. If this wasn't real and this alien abduction was a scene in a fictional web series or something, this would be a really, really, really bad way of filling a plothole.

A loud booming laugh is heard causing everyone to turn as face its source. Todd screams effeminantly.

• Travis: OH SHIT!!

The laughing's source is coming from the alien, Zanthar.

• Zanthar: I am the great, alien Zanthar! After I have captured you from Earth and held you on my alien spaceship for no reason, before I will eat you, I will now make love to your butts, ALL of your butts!

Zanthar then closes in on the trio and proceeds to making kissing faces. Travis and Todd are screaming in horror just as Zanthar reaches them, then a disclaimer reads at the end of the scene before the credits:

Todd and Travis then had their butts made love to by a big gay outer space alien that look suspiciously like Jon's chin and were later eaten alive.

As the alien had no desire for females, Cortana was later thrown into an escape pod and fired directly into the center of an alien sun.

Happy?