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Viewer Discretion Warning is shown. Opening credits roll.


[The scene begins with Chief and Arbiter walking alongside a fence, before Arbiter finally sits and rests on what seems to be the wheel of a garbage bin]

  • Chief: g3t up! i w4nn4 p4t teh fuckn animalz allrdy
  • Arbiter: To hell with the zoo. We don’t even know where we’re going.
  • Chief: 1t all up her (Taps his own head.)
  • Arbiter: There’s nothing up there.
  • Chief: no wut iz her? ur muthr (Taps his own groin.)
  • Arbiter: I don’t see her.
  • Chief: sh3 thar las knite. sh3 now 1n hostle 4 repars
  • Arbiter: Hospital. Come to think of it though, finding a hostel might not be such a bad idea.
  • Chief: butt i wantz 2 go 2 teh zuu
  • Arbiter: We’re homeless and if anyone sees us we’re screwed. Going to the fucking zoo is the last thing on the list of shit we should be doing right now.
  • Chief: y cannot peepul c us?
  • Arbiter: Because we’re action figurines. We’re alive, don’t ask me why, and it’s completely illogical. So illogical that if people find out we’re alive, we’ll probably get taken by the government.
  • Chief: c00
  • Arbiter: No, not cool. They’d perform experiments on us constantly and probably never let us go.
  • Chief: liek in dick strik 69?
  • Arbiter: District 9. Yes, they’d dismantle us, shove stuff up our asses… God knows what else.
  • Chief: dat muvi waznt r337 faggut
  • Arbiter: No shit, but alien experimentation is!
  • Chief: ur belivz in… / al3enz!1?
  • Arbiter: Yeah, I do!
  • Chief: LOLOLOLOLOL u r belivz in al3enz!
  • Arbiter: Yes, I happen to believe that within our massive, ever-expanding universe, there are some other forms of life. How fucking farfetched.
  • Chief: ROFL dumba$$
  • Arbiter: Well if Earth is the only populated planet, why is the universe so immense?
  • Chief: bcuz dipsh17 / g0d iz fukin hug3 n nedz a lot o r00m n sit n waatch / uz n mak suer wez r alll g00d
  • Arbiter: Wow, that is so retarded. Why is the universe constantly expanding then?
  • Chief: cuz g0s r alwyz sittng dowrn n ateing stufz / whil h3 watchz uz s0 he getz reely fat and ned moar r00m 2 sit
  • Arbiter: So not only-


[Chief and Arbiter cease talking immediately as a stranger walks in between them, throwing rubbish in the bin before walking away, missing the action figures completely. Arbiter and Chief resume their conversation.]

  • Arbiter: So not only has God been sitting on a fucking bean bag chair in outer space for the past hundred billion years, eating from some outer space mini-fridge, but he’s a giant lifeform susceptible to hunger and obesity? Why hasn’t he died of old age or diabetes or something?
  • Chief: bcuz hez g0d n he e4t hellthee stufz liek selad
  • Arbiter: Eating a fucking salad doesn’t make you invincible! Plus you said God gets really fat! And how does he even breath in space if there’s no fucking oxygen?
  • Chief: g0d doezn ned oxyGENz. hez g0d, reTard…
  • Arbiter: Why the hell does he need food then?
  • Chief: cuz hez hungree. h3rp turp
  • Arbiter: I can’t comprehend the stupidity of this conversation. You’re completely illogical.
  • Chief: sew iz teh fax taht wez iz aliv3 u evan sed / s0 fux u
  • Arbiter: How the hell did I lose that argument? Jesus Christ. I should just kill myself.


[Arbiter turns around to see Chief walking away.]

  • Arbiter: Hey! Where are you going?
  • Chief: teh zuu
  • Arbiter: NO! (Grabs Chief and holds him up against a cardboard box in the gutter.)
  • Chief: st0p fuckin touchn m3 p3do / halp!1 / rap3!
  • Arbiter: Shut up! Look, none of that crap has anything to do with anything. If people see us, we will be taken, get experimented on, and be held captive forever. We can’t go to the zoo. We need to find a safe place. We need a home.
  • Chief: wif n xb0x?
  • Arbiter: With an Xbox.
  • Chief: k (Proceeds to knock Arbiter’s arm back and walk away.) / letz go bak 2 j0nz
  • Arbiter: No.
  • Chief: wth iz ur probl3m? r it caz ov clair3?
  • Arbiter: No…
  • Chief: u r lyyin thru ur a$$ / l0okz @ m3 / im rbi73r i iz teh smar7 1 / every1 muz duz wat i sae n 2 h3ll wut everybodi else thinx / fux u rbi7er / g0 chok3 un a seman burr170
  • Arbiter: …Shit.

End credits roll.

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