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Scene 1:PowerhouseEdit

Two XBL players are seen looking around a room. Claire enters and takes them out from behind, but she is killed by a third player. She then respawns and is heard talking to a teammate.

  • Party leader: "What are you doing? Come on!"
  • Claire: "I was triple-teamed."
  • Party leader: "Please, the rest of us eat triple-teams for our nutritious balanced breakfast. Pick up the pace."

Claire sighs.

Arbiter rounds the corner and sees her.

  • Arbiter: "Claire?"
  • Claire: "I'll be back in a minute. Hold on."
  • Party leader: "Claire? What the fu--"

Claire turns off the connection.

  • Arbiter: "Hi."
  • Claire: "I had a weird feeling that was you, and the voice is unmistakable. Sorry, I was in party chat."
  •  Arbiter: "Everyone is nowadays. In-game chat is dead. Man, I haven't seen you sign on in forever."
  • Claire: "I know. I've been going to school. Heavy course loads; no time for Halo."
  • Arbiter: "Right. / Onwards and upwards."
  • Claire: "How have you been?"
  • Arbiter: "Lots of Monkey island and scraping up whatever is left of the peanut butter for sustenance. / Who ever said you couldn't live your dreams?"
  • Claire: "That's... cool?"
  • Arbiter: "Jealous."
  • Claire: "[laughs] Well, anyway, I've got some time off and a friend of mine said he was recruiting for his Reach clan, which sounded like fun. I missed Halo."
  • Arbiter: "Past tense?"
  • Claire: "Well it IS fun - don't get me wrong - but they're so competitive."
  • Arbiter: "Your clan members."
  • Claire: "Yeah. "Noob control". That's our name."
  • Arbiter: "Like "pest control", but like-"
  • Claire: "Yeah, which involves killing pests, and we're killing noobs, and noobs are pests, et cetera."
  • Arbiter: "Deep shit."
  • Claire: "I know, right? And they're not just mildly competitive, like, they're cutthroat. It's a little ridiculous."
  • Arbiter: "Such misdirected energy."
  • Claire: "Yeah. I should really get back to the match, though. They'll throw a fit of if I don't prove my worth pretty soon."
  • Arbiter: "Serious business."
  • Claire: "Very. It was nice seeing you again, Arbiter. I mean, talking to you. You know, whatever."
  • Arbiter: "We ought to play double team one of these days. / For fun. / No throat cutting."
  • Claire: "Yeah, definitely."

Claire leaves. Another player runs behind Arbiter.

  • XBL Player: "If you wanna stand around hitting on chicks, why don't you play PS Home, you fucking fag?"
  • Arbiter: "Shut up."

Scene 2: Jon's ApartmentEdit

Arbiter is seen on Jon's bed writing on the laptop. Greg falls from the ceiling in front of him.

  • Arbiter: "Aaaah!"

Arbiters falls of the bed, startled.

  • Arbiter: "Fuck!"

Arbiter climbs onto the bed.

  • Arbiter: "If I had a heart, you'd stop it, Greg. [beat] Gotta say, I'm feeling good today. Feelin' good. / I think I'm on a roll with the show material. / Got this idea for a retro game review segment, and it would have this whole 90's-kid vibe. / Reintroduce classics to the new generation. / It's all flowing nicely today."

Activate starts playing in the background, Arbiter notices with a startle.

  • Arbiter: "What the fuck!"

Chief is shown on Jon's desk dancing to the music on the computer.

  • Arbiter: "Turn that down!"
  • Chief: "no lol"
  • Arbiter: "Chief, I'm trying to concentrate on this-"
  • Chief: "WAT / LAODER? / KK"

The music grows louder.

  • Arbiter: "Oh my god."

Arbiter climbs onto the desk.

  • Arbiter: "Turn that down now!"
  • Chief: "chill out dude / wats ur problem / aint u diggin these phat phuckin b33tz?"

Chief turns off the music.

  • Arbiter: "I noticed it's a very lyrical piece."
  • Chief: "ya / ITS CALLED ACTIVATE / its kinda cool cuz liek hes saying activaet but thers one were he dosnt get 2 sae it all teh way so its liek its deactivatid / but then he saes it agen aftur so its liek its activatid agen adn tahts wat teh whoel song is abot / u no wat i m33n? its prety deep adn metallic if u think abot it"
  • Arbiter: "Takes music in a bold new direction. Really plunges the depths of human experience."
  • Chief: "ya man forreal"
  • Arbiter: "This is for your show, is it?"
  • Chief: "yep"
  • Arbiter: "Or should I say, 'my' show."
  • Chief: "dont start w/ ur shit agen / alls fail in wars and pieces"

[Short Beat]

  • Arbiter: "Jesus, you really butchered that phrase there."
  • Chief: "ill butcher ur face / CHECK EM"

Chief hands Arbiter some papers that are revealed to be several crude drawings of penises with faces.

  • Arbiter: "For fuck's sake. What sort of deranged individual sits down and draws this shit?" 
  • Chief: "lol u think tahts gross? / chek this 1 out!1"

Chief hands him another paper with an unseen but apparently disturbing drawing.

  • Arbiter: "Oh my God, that's disgusting!"
  • Chief: "ROFLMAO"

Arbiter tosses the paper.

  • Arbiter: "That is fucking gross. Seriously."
  • Chief: "dont be such a bitch"
  • Arbiter: "How do you even think up something like that? / [Beat] These aren't for your show too, are they?"
  • Chief: "hell yeah / I gots this wickid idea foar mai show / R U RDY?"
  • Arbiter: "Not in the slightest."
  • Chief: "TECHNODICKS"
  • Arbiter: "Techno dicks?"
  • Chief: "TECHNODICKS / its liek sw33t techno adn dick drawings / LOL
  • Arbiter: "Chief, this stuff is offensive! You can't show this to people! / Esspecialy that abomination. / That makes me want to throw up."
  • Chief: "everyoen has dicks arbitur / exept chix / most of them"
  • Arbiter: "It's filth!"
  • Chief: "ITS FUNNY / besieds ive got othar stuf u no"
  • Arbiter: "Like what?"

Arbiter and Chief are seen looking at a well made cardboard film set for chiefs show.

  • Arbiter: "Wow. You're really dedicated to this, aren't you?"
  • Chief: "no shit"
  • Arbiter: "Well, this is all fine and dandy, but does your show have substance? What are you gonna talk about?"
  • Chief: "dont u worry / i has substinses"
  • Arbiter: "You don't say."
  • Chief: "yes" / and their super awsome"
  • Arbiter: "Would you be so inclined as to show me your substances?"
  • Chief: "nope sorry / cant has."

Chief leaves Arbiter, who stays behind, pondering at the film set.

Scene 3: Jon's bedroomEdit

Later that night Arbiter reviews his script on Jon's bed.

  • Arbiter: "...What is it about this line I don't like? / Doesn't sound right. / This all looked much better earlier. / I could say this instead... / But then I'd have to change all that other stuff. / Or what if I ... / No, that wouldn't work. / That isn't funny. / None of this is funny. / This is terrible. / I'm terrible."

Chief climbs onto the bed.

  • Arbiter: "I can't believe I convinced myself I could do this. I'm not a writer. I'm a hack. A talentless hack."
  • Chief: "O HAI ARBITUR"
  • Arbiter: "Hi."
  • Chief: "buddeh / budster/ ar-bud / liek air-bud but ar-bud cuz ur arbitur and were buds / best budz 4 lief"
  • Arbiter: "Go away."
  • Chief: "so haws ur lame ass show coming?"
  • Arbiter: "Fine."
  • Chief: "so r u gona ask how mai shows cumming?"
  • Arbiter: "Nope."
  • Chief: "WHY THE FUCK NOT?"
  • Arbiter: "Because you're a turd and I don't care."
  • Chief: "well 2 bad ima tell u n e way / its not goingn so goods 2 b honist w/ u arbitur / :( [sad face]
  • Arbiter: "... That's terrible."
  • Chief: "yes. / i no."
  • Arbiter: "This whole pargraph is terrible. Here we go. Square one again."
  • Chief: "R U EVIN LISENING TO ME FAGGET?"
  • Arbiter: "No. Fuck off already. I'm working."
  • Chief: "arbitur wat if ppl dont liek me?"

Arbiter walks over and puts a consoling hand on Chief's shoulder.

  • Arbiter: "Don't worry, Chief."
  • Chief: "rly?"
  • Arbiter: "Yes. I can assure you no one will like you. No point worrying about it."

Chief kicks Arbiter in the crotch, who shortly thereafter falls over in pain.

  • Arbiter: "Aagh! Fuck!"
  • Chief: "n e way i wuz thinkign we shud work 2gethir nao / lololololololol"
  • Arbiter: "Why?"
  • Chief: "b cuz i has no substinses"
  • Arbiter: "Tell me something I didn't know."
  • Chief: "u wana do this 2gethir or not bitch?"

Scene 4: BoardwalkEdit

Claire is seen firing a DMR. Arbiter walks up behind her.

  • Arbiter: "Yo!"
  • Claire: "Hey, Arbiter!"
  • Arbiter: "You still up for some double team or no?"
  • Claire: "You know what, I'm actually still playing with my clan at the moment."
  • Arbiter: "Oh. Okay."
  • Trent Donnovich: "I thought we talked about this 'stop and chat' bullshit."

Trent joins the conversation.

  • Claire: "He's a friend!"
  • Arbiter: "Holy shit. Trent Donnovich? The guy who's getting-"
  • Trent Donnovich: "[simultaneously] ... who's getting married on Reach, yeah. [slight laugh] I get this all the fuckin' time, now."
  • Arbiter: "... And you're marrying-"
  • Trent Donnovich: "-Claire, yeah. You guys are friends?"
  • Arbiter: "Yeah."
  • Trent Donnovich: "You the peanut butter guy?"
  • Arbiter: "[beat] Sounds a little deranged out of context, but yes."
  • Trent Donnovich: "Hrm... I thought you'd have better stats to show for your sad existence."
  • Claire: "Trent!"
  • Arbiter: "Saw you on the news the other day."
  • Trent Donnovich: "Yeah?"
  • Trent Donnovich: "Why don't you speak with your real voice?"
  • Arbiter: "This is..."

Claire looks at Arbiter and shakes her head.

  • Arbiter: "... I dunno. It's funny?"
  • Trent Donnovich: "It isn't. I gets old fast, like that soundboard shit, and no offense but listening to it is like putting a cheese grater to my eardrum. Let's get moving; we're burning experience."

Trent leaves.

  • Arbiter: "You're burning experience, Claire. Those glorious digits. You'd better go."

Claire leaves.

  • Arbiter: "Fuck nuggets."

Credits roll. The end. 

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