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Scene 1: Living room Edit

[Track 5 from the third release plays; Arbiter wakes up by the computer, which displays a CancerHelp UK webpage titled "Finding out your illness is terminal"; the clock shows 6:10 AM, 25/04/2012; he gets up and starts walking; notices Chief]

ARBITER: You're up early.

CHIEF: is that u arbitur?

ARBITER: Yes Chief, it's me. Sorry, I realize how easy it must be to confuse me with all the other robot-voice alien toys in here.

CHIEF: didnt reckinize u w/out the bottel thats all / lol

ARBITER: Funny. [starts walking again] Have you even been to bed yet? [short beat] Why am I asking? Of course you haven't.

CHIEF: not enuf r00ms on the matress foar me and ur mothirs ass silly billy

ARBITER: You playing Halo or what? Why are you staring at your recent players list?

CHIEF: y dusnt u minded ur own fucking busyness

ARBITER: Whatever. I'm going back to sleep. [starts leaving]

CHIEF: make it fast or ima put u 2 sl33ps maiself

ARBITER: Quick, alert city hall, we've gotta evacuate Vancouver -- we've got a level five bad-ass over here.

CHIEF: dam rite

[time passes and Chief is still seen watching the TV until the gamertag jungle is heard on halo]

CHIEF: OMFG SHES BACK ON [frantically presses the A button furiously] kasjefbhvsaiuwerghfisearhgasiehrg / :( / secksbawks y u no let me joined fast enuff?

Scene 2: Halo Edit

[Chief is now seen on the map, Breakpoint, shooting various objects]

CHIEF: grill from last nite? / HELLO? / GRILL FRUM LAST NITE WERE IS U / were is u bayaby / were is u @?

[A few players in the map glance over at Chief, but then look away]

CHIEF: babe? / we gots 2 talked babe / about us babe / u and me babe / I think we gots to taked our relashin ships to the next lvls babe

XBOX-LIVE PLAYER #1: Hey man, the synth voice is a little gratting. Would you mind keeping it down please?

CHIEF: sry bro cant k33p it down ur mom wont keep her tongue off it lol

ROBERT: Hi! Did Emma just invite you to the clan too? My name's Robert, I actually just got online the other day. *chuckles* I know, I'm a total noob. My friends list is pretty barren. I'd like to send everyone here friend requsts. Would you mind if I sent one your way?

CHIEF: ROFL WHAT THE FUCK [backs away from Robert] GET AWAY FRUM ME U FUCKING HOMO [resumes randomly shooting up the place] GODDAM SAUSIGE FEST IN HERE WERE THE HELL IS TEH WIMMINZ AT FOAR FUCKS SAEKES

XBOX-LIVE PLAYER #2: Hey! This is your first and final warning okay? That kind of dialouge isn't tolerated here! Either behave or be booted! Please end thank you!

CHIEF: omfg who caeres / fuck you / if u b00ts me ima put mai b00ts ^ ur ass

XBOX-LIVE PLAYER #3: I've been listening to you since you've joined, you've managed to rub nearly everyone in the server the wrong way in a short space of time.

CHIEF: beleived me i can rubbed a lot faster than that just ask ur mom ROFL LOLOLOLL

[Emma enters]

EMMA: What's going on here? Is there a problem?

CHIEF: [sees Emma] :D / not ne moar baybay / remembir me grill frum last nite? / lol remembir? / ;) / u remembir nao?

XBOX-LIVE PLAYER #2: You know this cretin?

EMMA: Yes I remember, and please don't call me "baby."

CHIEF: :( / y knot bay bay?

EMMA: [toward Xbox-Live Player #2] Not personally. I spoke with him for 30 seconds, and sent him a clan invite, that was it.

CHIEF: SO HAY i wuz thinking foar our daetes that we culd stream a movies togethir / humin sentip33d 2 or a serbien film THE ChOISE IS URS / serbien film has kids tho just saying. / bitches luv kids rite?

EMMA: Pardon me? "Date?" I'm sorry that you interrpreted our last conversation in that way, but when exactly did the idea enter your mind that I wanted to date you?

CHIEF: BITCH IS U ON THE CRACK? / wtf r u talking about / WERE BUOY FREINDS AND GRILL FREINDS / isnt.............. / isnt we?

EMMA: No. No we're not. Not only am I not interested in dating you right now, but in all honesty, I'm finding you to be an incredibly offensive person. You're really not my type, we don't even know each others' names for god's sake.

CHIEF: SO?

EMMA: But I wouldn't take much pleasure from turning you away from the clan if you'd still like to be be part of it. If you don't get your act together, you'll leave me no other choice.

CHIEF: THATS BULL SHIT / U CULD NOT DOES IT / i know ur hawt foar me baybay / y else w00d u sendid me a clans invite huh? / BUSTID / m i rite guise? / ROFLMAO

EMMA: I was sending one to everybody. I thought you were aware--

CHIEF: eckskewsez eckskewsez / wat, does u thinked im stuped or sum thing? / u cant f00led me babe / i noes ur just playing hard 2 gets / u w00dnt banned me / nao i no ull follow ur <3s and does teh rite things h33r / we is soul maetes baybay / i noed it form the moments i herd ur voise / and nothing could stood in the ways of true loves / nothing k? / no things / K?

Scene 3: Kitchen Edit

[Chief opens the garbage can; takes out the doll and starts dragging it on the floor]

CHIEF: u noes that i was jk earlier rite babe? / jkjk / we is soal mates baby grill / aint nuthin ever gona chaenge that / aint nothin that can tear us apart / nuthing culd st00d in the ways of true loves / nothing k?

Scene 4: Trolling Edit

[cut to Halo map]

PLAYER 1: No, no, I'm sorry. It's my fault, I apologise. I was under the clearly false impression that the job of a customer service agent was to provide customer with service. But if I pay two hundred of my hard-earned dollars for an Xbox I expected to be able to play Super Mario World. [starts snickering] No matter how many times I've tried, the console refuses to read the cartridge. And I think that I ought to be compensated! [beep] Hello? He hung up.

[some other player chuckles; another dials]

CALLEE: Thank you for calling The Gamer Pit, the number one gaming accessories retailer, how can I help you?

PLAYER 2: Hey, man, can you tell me if you have any limited edition copies of Battletoads left in stock?

CALLEE: Sorry, we're clean out of Battletoads, but we did receive a large order of copies of Fighting Amphibians for the N-Gage this morning. Including twenty of special editions with the free Wii Fit board and Nathan Drake statue.

PLAYER 2: Oh, that's great. Can you put over nine thousand copies aside for me? And you know if it includes codes for giant enemy crab DLC?

PLAYER 1: Dude, what the fuck are you doing, hang up. [he does] The whole point of trolling is that the people you're trolling can't know you're trolling or you're not fucking trolling. If the guy's in on it then it's just retarded.

[the other player is shot]

PLAYER 1: Yo! You'd be wise to cut the shit before Eugene or his mods catch you.

PLAYER 3: I don't see any mods around, do you?

[the noise section of the fifth track of the seventh season soundtrack starts playing]

PLAYER 3: No rules, motherfucker!

[he turns around; Tyler and Colin appear; beat]

[the shooter grunts and briefly attempts to whistle]

PLAYER 3: I was trying to whistle... I can't whistle. [hums briefly and walks away]

Scene 4½: Confrontation Edit

[cut to another map, Eugene is seen interrogating another player]

EUGENE: I've deducted two possible conclusions regarding the reasoning of those who pulled this kind of shit with us. One: they are, in reality, brilliant trolls with astronomical testicular fortitude well aware of the fact that what they're doing is completely and utterly retarded and do so with the intent to annoy. And two, which I believe is the far more likely case: it is simply you who is completely and utterly retarded and mistakenly convinced that your actions are not.

PLAYER 4: I'm sorry, Eugene! Believe me when I tell you that myself and my clan did what we did purely out of a deep respect for you and yours, and your extensive history of work.

EUGENE: Then educate me. If your shenanigans were rooted entirely in respect why the fuck would you think so little of us that you believed we we're in any need of your vastly inferior services? You brought us a lot of unwanted attention and sullied our reputation. Seems quite disrespectful if you ask me.

PLAYER 4: Th-that isn't how it is at all dude, I-I swear to you!

EUGENE: Would you like to know what I think? I think you're just scrounging a little unearned attention and notoriety because of your sub-atomic testicular fortitude, rendering you too much of a goddamn pussy to earn any for yourself. And guess what? That shit doesn't fly so well with me. And given how deep our particular network is woven through society, to a degree that would likely come as a great surprise to you, I am without a doubt about the last guy you'd want to fuck with in these here parts.

PLAYER 4: Please, I know I fucked up. I acknowledge that, okay?

EUGENE: I couldn't give less of a shit about your "acknowledgement." All that concerns me is preventing history from repeating itself, and I think I've found a way to set that in stone.

PLAYER 4: What are you talking about?

EUGENE: You have a rather fascinating history of web browsing.

PLAYER 4: How would you know that?

EUGENE: I told you this group runs wide and deep. Through a friend of a friend, I have a connection with an individual who shall remain nameless, who happens to hold a position with your Internet Service Provider. I had him dig up your browsing history across the past three months. I noticed you're quite a fan of horses… in the fullest sense of the word. I'm a fan of horses myself, Seabiscuit, War Horse, you name it, but I have to say I'm not in any nature of a hurry to see "Mr. Hands" up on the silver screen. And such an avid online shopper too, who could blame you? What can't you get on the net these days? How's your Japanime Life-sized Love Pillow Collection working out? I'd imagine you might have some trouble returning those if you weren't entirely satisfied…

PLAYER 4: Okay! Mission accomplished! You've completely humiliated me!

EUGENE: [chuckles] No no, this is just the tip of the iceberg my friend. See I came up with this amusing idea that I'd post all of this juicy insight into your freaky mind on the Facebook group-page of your school's student body. Ah, I should mention that I also had your account hacked, and for the future I'd advise that you refrain from using the same password for all of your online accounts. Not a very bright idea when in combination with fucking with my people and I.

PLAYER 4: I-I understand that you've been very motivated to go through with what you have in mind Eugene, but please, I'm begging you to reconsider!

EUGENE: Wouldn't make much of a difference if I did, I'm afraid. The job's already done.

PLAYER 4: What?!

EUGENE: Yep. If you'll recall I also told you I'd prevent you from pulling the shit that you did ever again. Correct me if I'm wrong by all means, but I think that I've effectively sealed that deal, yeah?

[Tyler and Colin are seen approaching Eugene and the player]

EUGENE: But make no mistake, I'm capable of much worse, incomprehensibly worse. And if you don't want me using every available resource my clan and I have at our disposal to bring a colossal torrent of shit down on your world, don't even think about making any more of your pathetic pussy-ass attempts at trolling in matches and on forums in our name, and you better not let me see you or hear from you ever again.

[Eugene turns and joins Tyler and Colin]

EUGENE: Ban this retarded fuck!

[Tyler frags and bans the player]

COLIN: This reminds me, you might be interested to know that I'm almost finished with my project.

EUGENE: If you're assuming that I am you'd be mistaken, I'm not interested unless it's done and you can give me a demonstration

TYLER: What're you guys talking about? What project is this?

EUGENE: One that I can't help but be skeptical about.

COLIN: Well when it is done, remind me to get you some fries to go with those words.

EUGENE: No thanks, your mom's pussy will do just fine.

[The competition menu screen music from Sonic the Hedgehog 3 is heard over Eugene's microphone]

EUGENE: Somebody's calling my phone, give me a second.

[Eugene turns away and answers his phone]

EUGENE: Yeah?

DR. HARRIS: Hello, am I speaking with Eugene Black?

EUGENE: Yeah, who's this?

DR. HARRIS: My name is Doctor Harris, I'm calling you from the Hospital about your sister, Madeline. I tried calling your father first, but he wasn't available. I wish there were an easy way to say this, I'm very sorry to inform you that Madeline has suffered a complication of her pre-existing condition and has just been admitted here. I'm presuming you're aware of her condition?

EUGENE: Yes I am. Is she alright?

DR. HARRIS: She's currently stable. Uh, she was having difficulty breathing and we now have her on a respirator. I can assure you that she's in very good care and we'll do everything we can for her.

EUGENE: Okay. I'll be there as soon as I can. Thank you

[Eugene hangs up]

TYLER: Well, I dunno about you guys but I'm bored as shit! I say we have some matchmaking and troll some fools!

EUGENE: You guys go ahead, I'll play with you later. I gotta go.

TYLER: Why, what's up? Who were you talking to?

EUGENE: Nobody, forget it.

[Eugene walks away from Tyler and Colin]

Scene 5: Bathroom Edit

[Arbiter reaches the sink and opens a cupboard with medicine; he notices Chief in the bathtub]

ARBITER: Well, look who's "mopping" around now.

CHIEF: shut up assface / this is the 1st ive did it in liek 3 fucking y33rs / u still beat me off by a long shots

ARBITER: Really hoping that last sentence was just a grammatical hiccup. But you're right, I apologize. I was indeed out of line -- you have a much better handle on your mood than I do. How are you and your better half getting along? [shot at the Barbie] Girl isn't very chatty, is she? They say communication is key to making a relationship last, you know.

[beat]

ARBITER: ... I'll leave you to it. [he leaves]

CHIEF: arbitur w8 [Arbiter stops] u shud sit and drinked w/ me foar a bits.

ARBITER: I, uh -- [beat] To tell you the truth, I went a little bit overboard last night and I'm hung over as fuck, dude. I came in here for some Ibuprofen --

CHIEF: pls? / just foar a bits.

[beat]

ARBITER: Sure.

[he enters the bathtub]

ARBITER: Well, "they" also say that one of the best cures for a hangover is more alcohol, don't they?

CHIEF: nao that is wat i am talking about mother fucker

ARBITER: Slide that shit over. [Chief does]

[the bathroom door is shown briefly, with a "Danger" sign on it]

ARBITER: So, you've had your first taste of rejection, huh?

CHIEF: her losses / she culd has had her first tastes of ejection / LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

ARBITER: Hahaha -- Jesus, you're disgusting. [short beat] I won't lie to you, the pain won't go easily. Just being real about it. But it will get duller. Manageable.

CHIEF: nobody liekes me.

ARBITER: ... What?

CHIEF: chicks dusnt lieked me. / no ppls onlien lieked me. / u dusnt lieked me. / cortana and greg i culd give less of a fuck about but they dusnt lieked me either / nobody did.

ARBITER: That's not true. I like you.

[short beat]

CHIEF: rly?

[long beat]

ARBITER: Yeah.

[short beat]

CHIEF: :) { smiley face }

ARBITER: And hey, at least you have your doll. You're happy about that, aren't you? [beat] ... Or not?

CHIEF: shes just plastic.

[shot at silent Arbiter; shot at both from above]

[credits]

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