Scene 1: Jon's Living Room[]
(What follows is dialogue taken from a trailer for Halo 3)
First Child: Ever wonder what's up there?
Second Child: Like what?
(The screen shows "DigitalPh33r Presents" as the kids continue to talk)
First Child: Maybe someone up there is wondering what it's like here.
Second Child: I guess. Do you think we'll ever meet them?
First Child: I hope so. Don't you?
(Then comes the sound of screaming before the picture comes up to an arid field as a cloud of dust erupts into the air from an explosion of an artillery shell. The title "Master Chief Sucks at Halo 2" appears and fades as we see Spartan-117, the Master Chief, getting his bearings from being shell-shocked as he finds his helmet, retrieves it, puts it back on, and climbs to his feet as the second child's question reverbeates in the background)
Second Child: (echoing) Do you think we'll ever meet them?
Cortana: Chief...
(As Chief looks around at his surroundings, finds an Assault Rifle, and puts it on his back, radio chatter is heard as the UNSC fight the Covenant Loyalist forces around the area as in the distance, plasma fire from Wraiths fly into the sky in front of an unnatural storm cloud.)
Radio Chatter: That's negative, sir. I think we lost him.
Chief: Not yet...
(Chief arms a Bubble Shield device and deploys it moments before a plasma mortar round explodes in front of him, sending a Warthog's wreckage flying. Once the dust settles, Chief charges back into the fight, drawing his Assault Rifle as he leaps off a cliff into a large waiting force of Covenant forces. Right as he lands on the camera, the picture abruptly cuts to the screen when a channel is offline, and then changes to an episode of a television show. The whole thing was a recording on a VHS tape, and someone had apparently recorded over the earlier Halo 3 teaser with the television show.)
Master Chief: wtf
(Chief is watching the television from the couch, and is none too happy to see someone recorded over his stuff)
Master Chief: fucking gay arbiter taped over my home movies again
(Chief gets up and goes over to the computer. Kneeling down on the edge of the keyboard, he notices that The Arbiter has just signed in to Microsoft Windows Live Messenger. Chief brings up a chat window and begins typing his complaint to The Arbiter.)
Master Chief: (chat message) u taped over my home movies agen u dick >:(
(Chief presses Enter to post the message. Shortly, The Arbiter replies back)
The Arbiter: (chat message) ya i no
Master Chief: faggot
(Chief types another message for the chat)
Master Chief: (chat message) wtf y
(The Arbiter replies again. The ticker at the bottom indicates he is replying as it says "The Arbiter is writing a message.")
The Arbiter: (chat message) it is seasen finaly <3 of elr and i wanted 2 watch it agen l8r :D
(Chief types another message)
Master Chief: (chat message) ur a fag
The Arbiter: (chat message) no u
(Chief suddenly has a change of plans)
Master Chief: i feel liek playing halo 3 beta, i'll c if arbiter wants 2 pleh
(Chief types another message)
Master Chief: (chat message) want 2 pl3h h3 beta for a bit?/
The Arbiter: (chat message) k
Master Chief: cool
(The Arbiter posts another message)
The Arbiter: (chat message) ima go on xbl
(Chief replies back)
Master Chief: (chat message) k cu
(Chief opens up the Crackdown case, puts the disk into the slot, and closes the Xbox 360 disk drive. What follows is inevitable for Chief)
Master Chief: fuck, here we go again
(Chief has to bear the burden of waiting through all the loading stuff again before he can play the beta again)
Some time later...
(Chief finally sees the Bungie logo before he is able to access the beta, but this time, he's stunned to see a message titled "Game Over" appear instead of the "Welcome to the Beta" message from before)
Master Chief: what the fuck is this shit
(He begins pressing the A button on his controller, but the message stays on the screen)
Master Chief: hahahahahahahaha very funy bungie
(beat; the message again)
Master Chief: u have got to b fucking kidding me
(Chief heads back to the computer, and decides to check out GameFAQs.com for information regarding the beta)
Master Chief: ima go on gamefaqs and ues jons account lol
(Finding the Halo 3 message board on GameFAQs, Chief logs in using Jon's GameFAQs username and password, and posts a new topic titled "were is beta :(" and the message "wtf i cant get beta 2 wurk plz hepl how do i pleh")
Master Chief: this is some serious bullshit / ther better b a way 2 fix this, hopefully sum1 helps out
(Chief previews his topic and message)
Master Chief: ther we go
(And posts it)
Master Chief: gamefaqs has a wonderful comunity, espeshialy teh halo 3 board
(Chief presses the F5 key to refresh the page until a reply to his message is posted. It reads "LMAO" from user "chipsahoy12")
Master Chief: laughing my ass off?? / cool, i did not realize i sed sumthing funy / u fucking cock
(Another refresh has another message from user "tommylogan" that says "is because it was only online fore 2 weeks numb nuts!")
Master Chief: 2 weks? wat the hell
(Another refresh has a message from user "Lionheart492" that says "LMFAO! n00b")
Master Chief: laughing my fucking ass off, n00b?/? / ill show u, u fuck
(Chief goes to post a new message. His new message says "stfu")
Master Chief: stfu
(He previews and posts it)
Master Chief: i showd him / he he he he he he he / but srsly, teh beta wuz only 4 2 weks? / looks liek thers only 1 thing left 2 do... :(
(Chief writes up a suicide note, planning on killing himself since he can't play the Halo 3 Beta anymore)
Master Chief: ther we go
(He tosses the marker across the table, leaving it to roll off onto the floor. With his note written, Chief heads off to kill himself)
Master Chief: now it is tiem 2 end it all / i shal drown myself in the toilet, and no 1 can stop meh
Scene 2: Jon's Bathroom[]
(The scene cuts to the bathroom and the toilet, as the sound of Chief drowning himself is heard. However, shortly thereafter, Chief is heard struggling to drown himself because of a problem with his suit)
Master Chief: fuck u, stupid helmet, i cant fucking drown myself, shit shit shit shit shit
(Chief soon encounters another problem since he can't commit suicide now)
Master Chief: fuck, i cant get out / sum1 help plz
(Beat)
Master Chief: :( {sad face}
Scene 3: Jon's Living Room[]
(Chief is back on the couch after his failed suicide attempt)
Master Chief: my lief is empty w/out halo (Zoom in on his face) wat shud i do?
(It is then Chief lays eyes on the Halo 2 case. Zoom in on the Halo 2 logo on the cover before it blurs as the camera gets closer, then cut to Chief playing some Halo 2 multiplayer to make up for the Halo 3 beta being taken down)
Master Chief: wait a sec
(He goes into the options and sets the sensitivity to 10)
Master Chief: pros liek me pleh on 10 sensitivity
(He closes the options and returns to the game)
Master Chief: tiem 2 kick ass
(He turns on his headset microphone)
Master Chief: which 1 of u assholes has my roket lawn chair
(He finds a player wielding the Rocket Launcher)
Master Chief: thur it is / gimme it u littel prick
(He kills the player and takes the Rocket Launcher)
Master Chief: yes, mine now, hahahahahahahahahahaha
(Chief hears one of his teammates complain about Chief's kill and taking the Rocket Launcher as it was him who Chief killed earlier)
Teammate: Which one of you assholes just killed me?
Master Chief: (into headset mic) wasn't me, lolololololololololololol
(Chief turns around to find an enemy player right behind him. He returns fire in panic)
Master Chief: oh shit / take that
(He wastes his two rockets, leaving him vulnerable as he reloads. He is killed)
Master Chief: fuck
(Chief respawns, then notices the bomb, but ignores it)
Master Chief: only fags get the bomb / real men kill
(Having the high ground, Chief sprays his Battle Rifle at an enemy player below, but wastes his clip. He falls to the ground as he reloads, and the enemy player fires at him with a Shotgun)
Master Chief: y u no die??
(Chief is killed)
Master Chief: :( {sad face}
(Chief is fired on by another enemy player. He returns fire with his grenades)
Master Chief: eat gernade, bitch / for great justise
(In Chief's grenade spamming, he kills a friendly player by accident)
Halo 2 Announcer: Betrayal!
Master Chief: oops
Teammate: Yeah, you missed. Get outta here!
(Chief is then killed by a rocket. Cut to another map as Chief is rushing an enemy player to where the Energy Sword spawns)
Master Chief: i want sword / get out of my fucking way / sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword
(As he says this, he melees the enemy player in front of him, but when he gets to the sword, he is out-flanked by other players and killed before he can claim it)
Master Chief: to hell w/ all of u
(After respawning, Chief finds an enemy player with the Rocket Launcher)
Master Chief: omg theres rocket launcher / fuck u
(He melee kills the player, then activates his mic)
Master Chief: yes no one can stop meh
(An enemy player fires on Chief, but just manages to lower his shields before Chief returns fire and blows him up with the Rocket Launcher)
Master Chief: hahahhhahhahahah
(Chief scores another rocket kill)
Master Chief: llolollolollollolol
(Then another)
Master Chief: lolollllololooloololololl
(Another map, and Chief is looking for this map's Energy Sword as well)
Master Chief: sword sword sword
(He finds a teammate with it jumping and swiping at something that he can't reach, and immediately gets his attention by firing at him with his Shotgun, then chasing him down to get the sword from him)
Master Chief: gimme that u faggot / come here / (into mic) stand still u asshole
(Chief finally plugs his teammate and kills him with his Shotgun, then claims the Energy Sword for himself)
Master Chief: hahhah i have sword lollolol
(With the Energy Sword in his possession, Chief begins killing players by using the sword's fatal lunge swipe on them. He kills one...)
Master Chief: rofl
(Then another)
Halo 2 Announcer: Double Kill
Master Chief: (Into mic) omg double kill with the sword i bet no 1s dun this b4 i have such an erection rite now omg
(Chief continues his rampage with the Energy Sword, scoring another Double Kill...)
Halo 2 Announcer: Double Kill
(...before he is plugged by an enemy player with the Battle Rifle, killing him)
Master Chief: ur use hax cheater
(After respawning, Chief finds a teammate with the Energy Sword...)
Master Chief: omg sword, gimme
(And kills him to claim the sword again)
Master Chief: hooray
(But this latest act of betrayal to his team winds up getting him kicked from the server; Beat)
Master Chief: ur shitting me
(Fade to later, as Chief is on the computer again)
Master Chief: sigh, halo 2 is fun, but i miss playing halo 3 / guess ill check bungies website, c if thers n e thing new
(After some typing, Chief comes across something that grabs his attention)
Master Chief: oh, whats this?
(Cut to the computer screen, and slow zoom in on the post indicating the debut of Halo 3 on the date of 9/25/2007 as the music builds before reaching a climax and cut to black)
THE END
(end of transcript)