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Scene 1: Jon's Living Room Edit

(The scene opens on a diorama of UNSC forces clashing with Covenant Loyalist forces, who seem to have the upper hand. During the various shots, the words "A DigitalPh33r Production" fade onto the screen, then fade out again. At the center of the diorama, a Brute Chieftain holds Master Chief in the air in one hand by his arm, Chief's Assault Rifle in the other. What the Brute does not notice is the Plasma Grenade in Chief's free hand, primed and ready to activate. Moments later, Chief's head looks up to stare directly at the camera)

Master Chief: hello i am master chief / lolololololololololololololololololol

(It turns out to be an Xbox 360 Halo 3 "Believe" promotional video on YouTube that Master Chief is watching on the computer)

Master Chief: hhhahahahhahaahhaha

(Cue the title screen)

Master Chief Sucks at Halo 3

(Fade in on Jon's living room, full of various Halo 3 propaganda, including posters, a hat, the game case and instruction guide, 7-Eleven Slurpee cups, Mountain Dew bottles, Halo novels, and finally, a large Master Chief life-sized helmet that the Master Chief figurine is wearing as he plays Halo 3. All during this, "What's This?" from Nightmare Before Christmas plays until it hits its climax as the camera pans up to show Chief wearing the helmet before cutting to the television screen, showing him in a party of six players on Xbox Live on Halo 3 multiplayer.)

Party Leader: Okay, who was the fucking retard on our team that kept carrying the flag the wrong way?

Party Member: This Jon C.J. Graham guy?

Master Chief: u got sumthing 2 say 2 meh? beeyatch?/

Party Leader: Yeah, you suck!

Master Chief: i am better than u at least / douchebag

Party Leader: You had -3 kills and 41 deaths!

Master Chief: ur mom had -3 kills in bed last night

Party Member: Oh, shit.

Second Party Member: Oh, no he didn't.

Party Leader: Shut up! That was the worst comeback I've ever heard!

Master Chief: not as bad as ur face

(That's the last straw. Now the Party Leader is furious at Chief)

Party Leader: That's it! You wanna settle this man-to-man?! Give me your address, you little shit!

Master Chief: sure, do u have a pen and paper?? im in ur moms house!!1 ill be waiting

Party Leader: You motherfucker! I'm gonna kick your fucking ass, you fuck...

(Chief leaves the party and lobby, cutting the Party Leader off during his ranting at Chief)

Master Chief: rofl!1 (Chief tosses the helmet off to the side of the couch) that man on teh internets lied to meh / wearing this helmet does not make u pleh better / thats better / time 2 kick sum n00b ass

(Chief begins looking for another lobby to play some more multiplayer)

Master Chief: this better not be snowbound again

(To his frustration, the match found will be played on Snowbound)

Master Chief: go to hell / stupid fucking snowbound

(He begins pressing his X button to veto the map and find another one)

Master Chief: veto this shit u assholes

(To Chief's frustration, only one other player vetoes with him. The rest don't and the veto countdown ticks down to zero)

Master Chief: god damnit every 1 press x this map is fucking gay if ur dun press x it means ur gay fucking press x u faggots press it mother fucker fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck / omg / blow me u retards

(Chief goes to make a custom match instead)

Master Chief: wow / making custom games is l337 / so many opshins!!1!

(Chief begins browsing through all the options at his disposal for making a custom game, such as changing the player's speed and gravity for the map)

Master Chief: 300% speed / low gravity

(Then he chooses the player's primary weapon and seconday weapons they spawn with)

Master Chief: primary wep0n gravity hammer secondary spartan lasre / i bet no 1s made a l337 ass custim gaem like this b4 / i am so fucking original!1

(Chief then looks over his appearance in the match and discovers the ninja-style Spartan armor that is available to the player)

Master Chief: omfg!!1 this armor kicks ass / o man every1s going to be so jealous!11/

(Chief enters a match, then quickly gets on his headset microphone)

Master Chief: hay guys / u guys / holy shit u guys / u gotta c my ninja armer

(Another Xbox Live player turns around to look at him and reveals he's wearing the armor as well)

Xbox Live Player: Whoa, congratulations, dumbass!

(Another player wearing the armor runs up to join them)

Second Player: Yeah, really. Everyone has that armor now. You're not pro, you're not special, you're an idiot.

Master Chief: i thot i wuz teh only 1 in teh planet who ha--

Second Player: No, you're not.

(A third player wearing the same armor as Chief and the other two joins them)

Third Player: Hey, guys! What are you guys talking about?

(Another map, and Chief presses down the Right Trigger on his Xbox 360 controller with his foot to fire his Assault Rifle, killing another player who apparently has a female gamer tag)

Master Chief: holy shit / a girl on halo 3?1/?

(He turns on his mic)

Master Chief: omg i m sry k? =( / i shud send her a freidn request / may b she wil go out w/ meh / :D {happy face}

(Another map, and Chief is looking around for the Energy Sword)

Master Chief: sword sword sword sword sword sword sword / where tf is swr0d in dis map =(

(He is melee-killed from behind)

Master Chief: mother fucker / rraaaaaghghhh

(Chief grabs an empty Mountan Dew 20 oz. bottle and chucks it into the trash can in fury. The trash can is revealed to contain several other Xbox 360 games in it like Dead Rising and Bioshock. Back in the game, on another map, Chief tries to blow up a Warthog with the Rocket Launcher, but the lock-on feature of the Rocket Launcher added in Halo 2 has been removed, so Chief dumb-fires it, missing the Warthog)

Master Chief: wtf no lock on / bungie r n00b 4 shipping brokin gaem >:(

(Chief finds and picks up the Spartan Laser)

Master Chief: hahhhahhahahahahh

(Finding the Warthog again, Chief prepares to blow it up with the Spartan Laser)

Master Chief: i gots u this tiem / u fuckign bitch / taest mah justis!!1

(Unfortunately, Chief's tracking of the Warthog to blast it with the Spartan Laser causes him to slip behind a building, so when the shot fires, it travels the short distance into the wall, killing Chief with the splash damage)

Master Chief: fuck off

(Another map, and Chief approaches a Warthog manned by two teammates, probably the same ones he tried to blast on the other map. One's driving, the other's riding shotgun, leaving Chief to man the machine gun on the back as they honk at him impatiently)

Teammate: Come on! Get in the turret!

Second Teammate: Yeah, really.

Master Chief: kk

(Chief, however, presses his X button, causing him to deploy the equipment he had on him, a Trip Mine, right underneath the Warthog, arming it to detonate when the Warthog starts to drive away, much to his teammates' annoyance and frustration)

Master Chief: opps sry :(

Teammate: He fucking threw a Trip Mine down!

Second Teammate: What are you doing?! Don't drive! He'll blow us up!

(Too late. The Trip Mine explodes, flipping the Warthog over)

Second Teammate: OOOOOHHHHHHHH!!!

Teammate: Oh my God!

Second Teammate: Way to go, retard!

Master Chief: lollolloloolololollolololollololollool

Teammate: What an idiot! Why's he on our team?!

Second Teammate: Would someone boot him out?!

(Another map, and after Chief swaps his Assault Rifle for a Sniper Rifle, he zooms in, spots another player, and presses his Right Trigger with his foot, firing his Sniper Rifle, and scoring a perfect headshot kill. The scene repeats twice in slower motion each time, before the camera cuts to a shocked Chief on the couch)

Master Chief: omg / i must be teh best halo 3 player in teh planet!1 it is decided / i shall make........................... (Dramatic zoom in on his face as the music reaches a climax) a montage!!1!one

(What follows is Chief busily working away on the computer for some time as Linkin Park's "We're Gonna Make A Montage" plays during this scene)

Seven weeks later...

Master Chief: my masterpeis is finaly complet / its beutifil

(Cue the title screen of Chief's montage: "MASTR CEEF praressents da BEST SNIEP EVAR", along with music from Linkin Park playing during the entire video. Cut to the footage being taken on a video camera by The Arbiter, who helped Chief with his montage video)

Master Chief: u rdy arbiter?/

(Arbiter tries to center the camera on the television screen, which is paused on a Theater Mode replay of Chief's sniper headshot gameplay)

Master Chief: k i m gona press a

(Chief resumes the replay, but Arbiter can't hold the camera steady to record the replay)

Master Chief: christs sake arbiter / hold teh camera stil

(Arbiter tries, but begins zooming in and out, much to Chief's annoyance)

Master Chief: stop fuckign zooming in adn out it wil maek dis movie look retarded

(Arbiter drops the camera)

Master Chief: u dropped teh fuckign camera!!1 pick it up / hurry

(Arbiter does just as the replay reaches where Chief picked up the sniper rifle and scored the lucky headshot kill)

Master Chief: here it comes

(Arbiter turns the camera away at the last second, so all we hear is the shot and the groan of the player hit)

Master Chief: holy shit that was sweet

(Arbiter turns the camera back to show the aftermath, and after a few seconds, drops the camera to the ground again)

Master Chief: did u get that?/

(Cue end credits as "What's This?" from Nightmare Before Christmas plays)

(end of transcript)

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