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← "Attitude" "Melee" "Martyrdom" →

Scene 1: Living room Edit

[Arbiter is attempting to create a wall in Halo 3 Forge mode, with no success as the wall segment he's trying to place refuses to fit into where he is trying to place it, repeatedly shifting around instead of fitting perfectly into the spot.]

ARBITER: Honestly. Forge is cool, but...

[Halo 3 Forge wall still not fitting between two other walls, still bouncing about.]

ARBITER: Jesus Christ.

[Master Chief is sitting by the wall of the living room.]

CHIEF: hay / hay arbit3r

ARBITER: I just wanna...place this...fucking...wall.

CHIEF: arbitir / l00k @ meh

[Chief throws a glass bottle toward the couch where Arbiter is sitting, where it hits the floor and breaks. Arbiter pays no attention as he is still struggling with the wall segment.]

ARBITER: Seriously. There should be some ninety degree snapping feature or something.

[Wall still not attached to other walls. Arbiter is losing patience.]

ARBITER: Come on...you...cocksucker. Stay straight!

CHIEF: arbitir / l00k / hay arbitur

[Arbiter finally gives up and throws the Xbox controller at the left side of the couch in frustration.]

ARBITER: Fuck! What?!

CHIEF: o man / chek meh otu11!!one / im so drunnnk

Scene 2: Hall Edit

[Arbiter walks toward to Chief with his three glass bottles.]

ARBITER: You're drunk?

CHIEF: yaaaaa man / chek meh out / i am SO.........WAST3D!1

[Then Arbiter checks one of the bottles.]

ARBITER: This isn't beer. This is bottled water. You just took a marker and wrote the word "BEER" on these. There are two Es in "BEER", by the way.

[The glass bottle shows the incorrect word "BER" with a backwards E and without another E, like in "BEER".]

CHIEF: :( {Sad face}.

ARBITER: Come on, let's play some Halo split-screen.

[Master Chief gets up unbalanced and starts to pretend he is barely walking due to being drunk.]

CHIEF: oh man / i duno if i cna walk!!1 o man

ARBITER: You're not drunk, you lying piece of shit. Hurry up.

[Beat.]

CHIEF: damit

Scene 3: Living room Edit

[Chief walks to the couch and sits with Arbiter with their controllers ready for Halo 3 split-screen.]

CHIEF: were is jon ne way

ARBITER: Out buying Devil May Cry 4, I think.

CHIEF: ghey

ARBITER: No, it's sweet. I tried the demo. Shut up.

CHIEF: no u

[They begin the game, playing on the map, Standoff. Chief's character with Recon armor is running in the game.]

CHIEF: ur gon get it bitch!11

ARBITER: Bring it on.

CHIEF: 4 graet justis

[Arbiter's game character gets shot first by Master Chief's character, but then fights back with both Assault Rifles firing. As they close distance, both Master Chief and Arbiter press the RT button on their Xbox 360 controllers for the Melee attack which results in Arbiter managing to kill Chief's character, falling dramatically a good distance from Arbiter's character. Zoom in on Master Chief quickly as the reality of what just happened sets in.]

CHIEF: WTF!!1

ARBITER: What?

[Master Chief throws his controller at the table where the remotes are placed, scattering them.]

CHIEF: i hit u 1st

ARBITER: So?

[Master Chief flails angrily.]

CHIEF: TAHTS FUCKIGN HORSESHIT / I SHUD HAV WON

ARBITER: Is it really a big deal?

[Master Chief interrupts as he points at the Arbiter, then turns to point at the camera as it zooms in on him dramatically.]

CHIEF: end teh gaem / were goign in 2 theter moed!!one!

[Beat.]

ARBITER: Sigh.

[Arbiter goes to the theater mode, but then Master Chief takes Arbiter's controller away.]

CHIEF: gimme that

[Then Master Chief names his theater mode "BULSHITT", then he throws the controller back to Arbiter.]

CHIEF: load it

ARBITER: Come on, this is dumb.

CHIEF: DO IT FAGGOT

ARBITER: Fine.

[Arbiter loads and selects the film.]

[HALO 3 ANNOUNCER]: Slayer...

CHIEF: fast forw3rd

ARBITER: I am! Asshole.

[Arbiter then fast forwards the Halo 3 recorded Slayer film and shows Arbiter's character using a Melee attack on Chief's character, killing him.]

CHIEF: THUR!11 rewind / slomo

[Arbiter rewinds the video and shows the scene again in slow motion of Arbiter's character's Melee attack on Chief's character.]

CHIEF: C THAT?/

ARBITER: Yeah.

CHIEF: thats fuckign bulshitt / I hit u frist

ARBITER: I had more health than you.

CHIEF: but we both haz l0w helth & i wuz fast3r

ARBITER: Doesn't matter, the melee system gives the kill to the guy with the most health during a simultaneous hit.

CHIEF: thats fucking retarted

ARBITER: I kind of agree, Bungie tried to implement a more fair melee system but I think the window of what's considered a "simultaneous hit" is a tad too large. But these things happen, and I'm no programmer, so it probably isn't as simple to fix as it sounds.

CHIEF: bungie n33dz 2 cum up w/ a bettr meele sistim / NAO!!1

ARBITER: That's just it though! There is no perfect melee system! If we didn't have the current system, people would probably drop dead at the same time too often, which is stupid, and more kills would underdeservingly go to the guy with the better internet connection which is unfair, and so on.

[Master Chief walks over and climbs up to the top of the desk where the computer is.]

CHIEF: sooo??1/ i pay lots of mun33z 4 a betr intarnets conekshun so i deserv MAWR KILLZ

[Chief then goes on the Internet Explorer web browser on the Microsoft computer.]

ARBITER: Okay, one, Jon pays for the internet here, and two. That's like saying that it's fair to use a gameshark or something for infinite health in multiplayer because you spent the extra money to get it. And what are you doing?

CHIEF: im sendign bungie a VREH AGNREH emael

[Master Chief typed D:< {Angry face} for the subject on the internet email.]

ARBITER: No! Listen to me, you fucking idiot. You're right.

[Chief stops writing his email and turns around to face Arbiter.]

ARBITER: It's not a perfect melee system, and Bungie might have made a slight mistake in its implementation, but they did what they thought was right at the time, and have already stated in their weekly update on the eighteenth of January that they're tweaking it. It's not like they're out to get you and they want to make the game frustrating and unfair.

[Despite what Arbiter just said, it only makes Chief angrier as he resumes typing his email.]

CHIEF: GRRRRRRRRRR / IM SO ANGRY / THIS IZ SUCH A BIG FUCKIGN DEAL

[Master Chief typed "WTFFFFFFFFFFFFF BUNGIE Y R MELLEH SISTIM HAZ MAWR HELTHZ GR {R >108}".]

CHIEF: IM GON PUT A AGNRY FROWNY FAEC IN THIS EMAEL

[Then Chief double spaced and types >:( {Angry face} at the bottom.]

CHIEF: L@@K / CHEK IT OTU / THIS SHOEWS TAHT IM RLY ANGRY!!1 / GRRRRRRRRRRI!1!one!1

ARBITER: Besides, if you think about it, every player is governed by the same melee system, it's not just you.

CHIEF: fuk u dooshebag / if u hav low helth adn i hit u then u shud die

ARBITER: (Talking at same time with Chief): So by the law of averages, everyone's going to encounter this problem occasionally, which means, relatively speaking, that it's not going to affect your rank or anything.

CHIEF: (Talking at same time with Arbiter): plain adn fuckign simped / bitch / BUT NO / bcuz of this ghey a$$ mele sistim I get kild % my fuckign rank adn kd go down!11 LALALALALALALALALALALALA im not listanign 2 u bcuz ur ghey / shut up UR GAY UR GAY UR GAY UR GAY UR GAY UR GAY

[Chief covers his ears to drown out Arbiter, complete with yelling and speaking rapidly.]

ARBITER: NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOUR FUCKING RANK.

CHIEF: LALALALALALALALALALALA

ARBITER: It shouldn't be such a big deal to you either! It's a video game! A form of escapism where you can just chill out and kill each other for a few hours. Chill the fuck out. Seriously.

[Chief apparently accepts what Arbiter has said, then walks and sit back at the couch with Arbiter.]

ARBITER: Like I said, nothing's perfect. If you weren't bitching about THIS system, you'd be bitching about the alternative, had it been used instead. It's not a huge deal, and Bungie is tweaking it as we speak anyway. You suck big throbbing COCK at Halo 3 ANYWAY! Why the fuck are you even concerned about your rank or your kill/death ratio? It's probably like, One to twenty anyway!

[beat]

ARBITER: No response. What a surprise. Stop being a fucking crybaby bitch.

[beat]

CHIEF: *angrily* NO U

[credits]

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