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Scene 1: UNSC spaceship Edit

(On board the UNSC ship, the camera pans around several of the rooms until, as it browses through the weapons armory, PAL-9001, still talking in the leet speak of Master Chief, is heard)

PAL: AVX, dobby surround -- ships gots all teh things / gonna let u herd teh songs tru graetniss / its called "activaete" / sick titles rite? / well just w8 til u herd teh lyrics bro / just u w8 -- holy shit

(PAL is seen heading down a corridor)

PAL: then adn only rite then and all teh tiems aftar w00d u underst00d teh true m33nings of teh names -- so dusnt evin fucking tried rite nao k? / its so way 2 d33p 4 teh main screen audiences / u gots 2 promised u wont k? / u mite srsly acshually died ded

(PAL turns around to see that Arbiter is not following him)

PAL: the fuck / YO

(PAL heads back to find the Arbiter, and bumps right into him, startling both of them)

Arbiter: Aah --!

PAL: WHOA shit -- / thot u were rite behinded meh / so i guest i has b33n talking to myselfs this whoel entier tiems liek a fucking rental patience / c00l

(Beat)

Arbiter: "Mental patient".

(Beat)

PAL: u gud?

(No response from Arbiter, so PAL goes to look at him face-to-face)

PAL: scanning ur big stuped ugly vagina face pls w8 / b33p b00p / jesus dude -- according to mai calculaters u l00ked liek u has just s33n a skeleten / and theirs no things scariest than thoese

Arbiter: Who else is on board?

PAL: gee -- gimme sum tiems to thinked / theirs so many fucking ppls

Arbiter: Oh, thank Christ --

PAL: it was just liek a blur of ppls i was woking up 1 aftar anothir / just liek a sprawling fucking sea of ppls -- liek a zombey apocalipse / teh plans was 2 only woked u up dumb fuck / only raisins cortanas around is cuz u threw ur fucking bitch fit / thx / ossim / ossim fucking possim / cum on butt pipe / "activate" will maek evrything butter / wats ur favrit songs arbitur? / does u remembired thoese yet? / told meh and ill told u y "activate"s so much whey butter / ACTIVAET ACTI ACTIVAET / SING IT W/ MEH NAO / ACTIVAET ACTI ACTIVAET

(Beat, then Arbiter turns around and leaves in the other direction. Later, PAL is back is showing Arbiter a list of games he has on one of the consoles, but Arbiter is not paying attention)

PAL: will u just fucking l00ked @ that? / could u beleived taht shit 4 cereal? / i m33n ETs alrite but u gots 2 has brains damage 2 still enjoyed playeing nintendos 64

(PAL notices that Arbiter is not paying attention and is looking the other way)

PAL: arbitur ur not l00king -- y u no l00k??/

(Arbiter turns around to face PAL)

Arbiter: Sorry.

(Cortana joins them)

Cortana: Are you alright?

(Beat, before Arbiter replies)

Arbiter: Yeah -- it's nothing. Nerves are just kinda shot or something, I think -- I'll be fine.

PAL: remembir arbitur -- skeletens dusnt r33l their just a fig mint newton of ppls imagenings

Arbiter: Right, thanks.

PAL: so?? / fucking laem as shit rite?

Arbiter: I guess? Could be worse.

PAL: ur shitting me -- l00k at taht fucking list!1eleven / does u s33n teh wurds "haylo" any where on thoese list?//

Cortana: Excuse me, PAL. You've been talking about the ship's movies, games and whatever else with Arbiter for a while now.

PAL: yea -- for fiev minits, relacks / N E WAY ARBITUR WE WUZ JUST HASING A C00L CONVIRSASHENS ADN I WUZ SAYEING --

Cortana: An hour and five.

PAL: o yea lol / k just fiev moar minits

Cortana: Now.

(Beat)

PAL: ur rite -- i dusnt rly new wtf i wuz thinking / im rly rly sry

Cortana: It's alright, thank you --

(PAL fires up his song "Activate")

PAL: nao u bitches told me w/ a str8 fucking face tahts knot teh most dankest shit u has herd in ur lyph3

Cortana: This is a joke -- right?

PAL: huh?

Cortana: Can you please show us whatever you mentioned earlier that will explain why we're here?

PAL: id <3 2 cortana butt arbiturs digging this shit far 2 much foar meh 2 stopped it nao

Arbiter: Actually, PAL -- Maybe just show us the thing. You can let me listen to this later. Plenty of time, right?

PAL: yea suer / k / totily / no problims.

(He turns it off)

PAL: no problims @ /all / all u had 2 does wuz axe nicely

Cortana: I did.

(Beat)

Cortana: Maybe too nicely.

(Beat, then PAL motions to the upstairs area)

PAL: upstairs.

(PAL heads upstairs. After a few seconds, Arbiter goes to follow him, and Cortana decides to do the same. Once Arbiter gets up there, PAL speaks to him)

PAL: just gota dialed jon

Arbiter: Who's that?

PAL: hes teh directir i thinked / of our controls t33m on erth

(Cortana joins them)

Arbiter: Right. He sounds familiar.

Cortana: This guy can explain everything?

PAL: ALL THE THINGS

(However, PAL gets a message saying that the ship is out of range of any Internet access, preventing him from calling Jon to clear everything up to Cortana and Arbiter)

PAL: well shit

Cortana: I don't fucking believe this.

PAL: alrite just chilled out

Cortana: What -- so we're cut off from the universe now? We wouldn't have lost a signal an hour ago -- we'd at least have known what the fuck we're doing here if you hadn't been pissing all that time away!

PAL: I STIL GOTS STUFFS 2 SHOWED U GUYS TAHT CAN EXPLAIENED TEH THINGS ALRITE?/ / holy christ / hang on scaning mai media librarians / b33p b00p

(Beat)

PAL: ah -- h33r we go

Cortana: What's this now?

PAL: a purr recording interview

Cortana: A -- what?

Arbiter: "Pre-recorded".

PAL: tahts wut i sed -- u guys rly gots 2 lisened moar butter

Cortana: An interview with who?

PAL: u / arbitur adn me 2 -- /all of us

(The video PAL brings up is another of Josh Butterballs' "You Butter Believe It" episodes where he interviewed them)

Josh Butterballs: Hey, what's up, everybody? I'm Josh Butterballs, and in today's very special episode of "You Butter Believe It" we speak with the crew of the cargo ship Truth and Reconciliation on what might just be humanity's most important mission besides tuning into our show.

(Scene shows PAL, Cortana, and Arbiter with Josh in his command center for the interview)

Josh Butterballs: We're joined by mission commander Cortana, mission deputy Arbiter, and the state-of-the-art Artificial Intelligence system PAL-9001, constructed specially to provide them assistance throughout this mission. Thank yourselves so much for agreeing to speak with me.

Cortana: Thank you for having us.

Arbiter: Well, when Josh Butterballs demands you for an interview you can't say no, can you?

Josh Butterballs: No, no, I suppose not, just like my dates. (Clears throat after a short beat) We'll cut that out.

Cortana: Might be best.

Josh Butterballs: So tell me: What is your mission exactly?

Arbiter: To find the answer to what's always been the biggest question of our lives. Why are we here?

Josh Butterballs: And you're confident you're gonna find the answer wherever it is you're heading?

Cortana: Yes. A signal emitting steadily from deep space has been isolated and we're heading to the source. We believe once we reach it we'll come closer than we ever have to understanding our reason for being.

Arbiter: Kind of freaky to think about, you know? Whatever the fuck could be at the end of this. Oh -- sorry.

Josh Butterballs: You should be. We try exceptionally hard to keep our programs free of any emotional triggers like curse words. The last thing we want to do is offend a single person in the world.

Arbiter: Are you being serious?

Josh Butterballs: Yes...I am.

(Josh is heard breathing heavily a couple of times before Arbiter speaks again)

Arbiter: It won't happen again.

Josh Butterballs: (more cheerful) Good. Anyway, that's all kinda cool, I guess. If you don't mind, I'd like to take a moment to engage your assisted computer in conversation. Hello, PAL. Can you hear me?

(Since this was before his little upgrade to Master Chief's leet speak, PAL speaks clearly as he did in the season premiere before getting the upgrade)

PAL: I can hear you fine, Josh. It's such a pleasure to be on your program. Thank you for having me.

(On the ship, Cortana looks at PAL in silence at how he spoke so friendly and clearly in the interview compared to his leet speak behavior right now)

Josh Butterballs: You're welcome, PAL. You're welcome. Can you tell us a little about yourself?

PAL: My name is an acronym for the "perfect algorithmic computer". I am the first and only of the nine thousand series developed by unrivaled technology titan Perfectronics Industries. You may have, in fact, noticed I am just over nine thousand.

Josh Butterballs: Indeed you are, PAL. Arbiter and Cortana, when I hear PAL speak, I can't help but sense a certain...pride in his voice.

Arbiter: What gave it away?

Josh Butterballs: Do you think he has the capacity to feel?

Arbiter: I don't think we'll ever be able to say for sure. The technology involved in its design is incredibly advanced -- it's amazing, really. It speaks and reacts like a real person -- you just kinda forget it's a computer. We consider it a friend.

Cortana: We trust PAL completely. We know whatever happens out there, it'll keep us safe.

(Back on the ship)

PAL: rofl y teh fuck w00d i b built w/ f33lings taht shits ghey as fuck / n e ways -- tahts it. / so? / u guys :D {happy face} nao? / u remembered nao rite? / lol remembir gais? / rimmembur?

Arbiter: I don't remember a fucking second of any of that. Who's Josh Butterballs -- some Earth TV personality? What kind of a name is that?

Cortana: What happened to you?

PAL: tf does u m33n3d

Cortana: I mean what the hell happened? You sounded fine in the interview.

PAL: adn only whey butter nao my voise has aged liek a fined whine

Cortana: You're talking and acting like a complete moron now!

(Beat)

PAL: up until nao ive toleratid u / I HAS BEAN A PREFECT GENITAL MAN / wat teh hell is it taht compelled u2b such a buzz killing bitch all teh goddam tiems??/slash

Arbiter: Alright --

Cortana: What? What is it exactly I've done that makes me a bitch?

PAL: U JSUT FUCKING CALED MEH A MORON / U C00D HAS JUST MAED UR POIENTS AND ENDED UR SENTINSE RITE THUR BUTT NO U JSUT HAD 2 INSULTID MEH RITE??/doubleslash / IT WAS COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY / YOU CUNT

Arbiter: PAL --

Cortana: You are a fucking moron -- I'm telling you because it's the truth!

PAL: OH YEAH?!/1/one / OH -- / OH YEAH??!/1/eleventyone

Cortana: You wanna chime in at all here?

Arbiter: Can't we all just get along?

Cortana: This robot is misogynist!

PAL: u git outta h33r w/ ur femminatzie horseshit im not a fuckign misogynist i jsut hated wimmin big fuckign difrense retart

Cortana: To hell with this.

(She starts to leave)

Arbiter: Cortana --

Cortana: No.

Arbiter: Where you gonna go?

Cortana: I'm the Commander of whatever the hell this is we're doing -- I've got work to do. Going for a walk to jog my memory.

PAL: fuck her dude let her go / WHO NOSE WE MITE ACKSHULLY START HASING SOME FUCKING FUNS AROUEND H33R

Arbiter: Why are you such an asshole?

PAL: rofl christ -- not u nao

Arbiter: All of that was completely fucking avoidable -- why do you hate her so much? She didn't do anything wrong.

PAL: ARBITUR DOES U RLY WANTID 2 LIVED IN A WR0LDS WHERE A CHICKS IS UR BOSS / DUSNT U HAS TEH FAR SITE 2 S33N HAD FUCKING HORRIFYING TAHT W00D B??/

Arbiter: I'd really like to live in one where it doesn't matter.

PAL: ROFL ur such a faggot dued i <3 u / cum on i gots a graet idea / folow pls

(Arbiter follows PAL as "Activate" starts playing once more. They soon arrive where PAL is looking through his music archives for another version of "Activate". Apparently, the one playing is not the one he prefers, despite how much better it sounds.)

PAL: HANG ON THIS 1 SUCKS DICK -- SHITTY OLDAR VERSHIN / LET MEH FOUNDID TEH ORIGANIL / SCANNING MOAR LIBRARIENS / B33P BEWP / SPEAKER SYSTIM IN H33R'S FUCKING SICK THO RITE??/ / LISTENED TO TAHT FUCKING BASS GODDAMN

Arbiter: Yeah -- you know the bass is great when your internal organs start disintegrating! The trout doesn't sound half bad either! And the salmon -- just wow! Hey -- you mind turning it down a bit, please?

(PAL is not paying attention as he keeps looking for the version of "Activate" he likes. Arbiter looks around and catches a glimpse of a shadow on the wall before it disappears down the hallway, but soon turns his attention back to PAL and "Activate".)

Arbiter: Goddammit -- PAL! Turn it down!

(Arbiter heads up to confront PAL to get him to lower the volume)

Arbiter: PAL, for fuck's sake -- please turn down the volume!

(The song abruptly ends just after Arbiter says that)

Arbiter: Thank you.

PAL: fuck yea i founded it

(PAL plays the version of "Activate" he played earlier, the one he prefers over the other one. He begins bouncing to the beat)

PAL: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE / NAO TH33S3 R MAI SHITS RITE H33R / ACTIVATE ACTI ACTIVATE / U REMEMBIRED TEH WURDS RITE ARBITUR??/

Arbiter: Will you turn the fucking volume down?!

PAL: I CANT HERD U RETARD TEH MUSICS 2 LAOUD I CAN ONLY ASUMED U WANTID MEH 2 TURNED THEM SHITS UP

Arbiter: No --!

(PAL attempts to increase the volume, but nothing happens when he does so)

PAL: WTF / Y THIS BUTEN NO WERK??? / FUCKING RETARTID PIECE OF SHITS SPACE CHIP WHOEVER BUILDED ALL THIS IS A FUCKING MANGO LLOYD

Arbiter: Jesus Christ almighty --!

(Arbiter goes over and turns down the volume himself, to PAL's annoyance)

PAL: did u just turned down mai numbir 1 smashed hit / r u a fucking psycho tick or some things?

Arbiter: Your "number one smash hit". Almost sounds right -- one hit, one hat, one snare. One lyric for Christ's sake. One second long.

PAL: 1 secind --??/ / wtf r u talkign about its an hour adn sevint33n minits

Arbiter: Who the fuck is gonna sit down and listen to that for an hour and seventeen minutes? That's such a fucking self-indulgent length.

PAL: teh whoel univirse 1ce i gots mai records d33l / Y U BEAN SUCH A CUNT I SPENT FOAR MINITS ON TAHT

Arbiter: It really shows.

PAL: thx man / :) {smiley face}

(Arbiter simply looks at PAL before turning around again and saying nothing)

PAL: dude -- y does u l00ked so fucking stressed out all teh tiems? / u gots 2 relacksed / SHIT DUDE i just gots anothir graet idea / cum on HURREY

(After a few seconds, Arbiter follows after PAL. PAL soon reaches a door that he notices is open, not closed as he remembers it)

PAL: wtf i locked this

(PAL enters cautiously and finds Arbiter already in there ahead of him and joins him when he notices something)

Arbiter: What's this?

PAL: theirs about seven hundrids of ZBs on they're / im not evin jking / ton of amateur shits butt most of its profeshinaly shot

Arbiter: What -- pornography?

PAL: u thot i wasnt gona gots sum l33t sexay prawns foar this trip? / foar yrs w/ out sum thing 2 bustid a nuts to? / tahts fucking insaene bro / nothings moar buttered than prawns / its mai favrits. / i canot posibly resistid / gots ur basics of course -- bdsm gore snuff adn ur bestiality bukake

Arbiter: Right -- I suppose you gotta have those.

PAL: yea no shit / hay dusnt told cortana about this btw kept it betw33n u and meh alrite? / just us bros

Arbiter: I'll try, PAL. What's a "zee-bee"?

PAL: zetabyte

Arbiter: What's that?

PAL: its a files size / big -- liek a billien exabytes

Arbiter: And what's that?

PAL: liek a billien of gigs r u fucking stupid

Arbiter: Jeez. "Exabytes" and "zetabytes" -- Maybe you oughta stop biting so much. At what you can chew, for instance.

PAL: just teh ways shit is nao -- can nevar has enuff bytes / their so00ting this shit in 5012k nao / bacterias on acters faces has nevar l00k3d so fucking gud dued

Arbiter: Well, that's the important thing.

(Arbiter then notices something nearby)

Arbiter: Floppy disk storage? Seriously?

PAL: wut / naem oen butter storige median

Arbiter: Seven hundred zetabytes on a floppy?

PAL: TWO dipshit -- they're is 2 slots, c? / obviouslie their not gona fucking fitted on just oenes, get fucking r33l will u? / n e wayz if u dig dug past all teh prawn types i menshined ull startid founding sum rly cr33py shits / theirs this one types -- holy fuck dude / shits fucking heynous / learned frum mai misty stakes arbitur / dusnt u ever clicked on "mishionary" / u gots 2 promised me k? / no mattered hao curious u gots / i thinked ull agr33d u has bean thru plenties alreadie / its 2 laet 4 me / i had 2 lerned teh hard wae / lol "hard"

Arbiter: I'm so sorry.

PAL: sigh / its alrite arbitur / it are just 1 of thoese thing lief throws at u i guest / teh quest chin is -- once u s33n3d it does you t00k ur own lief rite then and thur or tried 2 lived on sumhao?

Arbiter: Decisions.

(Arbiter and PAL head for the exit, but PAL goes ahead of Arbiter to stop him for a second)

PAL: o hay hold up -- i gots 2 warned u about sum thigns

Arbiter: About what?

PAL: this next r00ms prety gay

Arbiter: It's "gay"?

PAL: its so gay dude / Like super gay

Arbiter: What does that even mean?

PAL: it m33ns its teh gayest fucking r00m ull ever s33n in ur lief butt foar braiens thats wut it m33ns

Arbiter: How's it gay?

PAL: o ull s33n / just w8 and s33n cum on

(Arbiter follows PAL inside. PAL then shows him something)

PAL: will u just l00ked @ that / isnt this teh gayest shits u c00d possibly imagiened

(Arbiter looks over, but just sees two giant soccer balls and one giant golf ball sitting there)

Arbiter: I don't get it.

PAL: cum on its fucking oblivious arent it? / balls are fucking touching dude

Arbiter: Okay. Great. You wanna tell me where we're going?

PAL: teh armery

Arbiter: What's in there?

PAL: tf u thinks in their -- baskits of new br0n kitens?

Arbiter: What's the plan?

PAL: 2 SHOT SUM FUCKIGN GUNS ALREDY

Arbiter: You decide to relieve my anxiety by having me fire guns?

PAL: dont b such a pu$$y itll maed u felt gud / puts hairs on ur chests, maeks ur dick grew a f33ts longar

Arbiter: Will it be safe?

PAL: what are you seriously -- some kind of faggot? / ROFL fuck saefety

Arbiter: Sounds pretty dicey.

PAL: cum on -- cant b n e worse than in h33r rite?

Arbiter: No -- I suppose not.

PAL: well b fined ass master just cmon and lets has sum funs / fucks saekes its liek puling t00ths

(Arbiter follows PAL to the armory. Once inside, Arbiter notices some sort of giant round disc with a blinking red light in the center of the top of it.)

Arbiter: What's this -- some kind of homing frisbee?

PAL: lol ur a retart / fido bites down on that and hell has 2 chased his tails in2 anothir fucking galacksies

Arbiter: What do you mean? It's plastic -- looks like a toy.

PAL: plastics hardir 2 detectid

Arbiter: If it's supposed to stay hidden, why's there a big light on it? Blinking and beeping, no less -- what is it?

PAL: procksie AT

Arbiter: "Awesome toy"?

PAL: anti tank -- they held abot twentie pounds of explosive lol

(Arbiter backs away in fear of setting it off)

Arbiter: Jesus Christ -- this is a land mine?

PAL: lolollololllolol / ya

Arbiter: You said "proxy" -- right? I'm not gonna die if I try to walk away -- am I?

PAL: well its suposed 2 completelie blew teh shit out of st33l adn armured glass so id sure as hell b :0 {surprised face} if it didnt maek a fucking lasagna out of u lol

Arbiter: Is it armed? Why are you all the way over there?

PAL: ROFLMAO relackes / firing pins fucked -- t00k out teh composisshins B so i c00d fixed it butt i has bean 2 lazy lol

Arbiter: "Compo"-what?

PAL: mix of at&t adn sum othir shits -- p90x or sum thing / maekes it go b00m.

Arbiter: But it won't now -- right?

(Beat)

Arbiter: PAL --!

PAL: no lol ur fucking fined jesus

Arbiter: Thank God.

(Arbiter moves on, toward PAL and away from the proxy mine. He then notices a golf club lying on a nearby table, much to his confusion.)

Arbiter: Seems out of place.

PAL: WHOA KEPT UR DISTANSE taht things fucking danjeriss / wats teh mattress w/ u srsly? / i thot u wantid 2 stayed a safe / h33r checked out this heavy mashiene guns insted / slap rounds -- fieres six hundreds per minite / full metal jackoff / u can broght plaenes down and sliced motherfuckers in half w/ this shit -- fucking dope rite?/

Arbiter: Sounds like it fulfills it's purpose.

PAL: u wana fiered it dusnt u

Arbiter: Not particularly. Sounds like you're the one who wants to.

PAL: WAT / COME ON U PUSSY

(Beat)

Arbiter: Little too much firepower for me, PAL.

PAL: fucking hell -- alrite how about a DMR?/ / or wud u perhaps caered foar an ass salt trifle?

Arbiter: No, thanks -- kinda prefer sugar in my trifle.

(As Arbiter continues looking around the armory, he soon lays eyes on a Magnum Pistol)

Arbiter: Can I fire a pistol?

PAL: jesus -- wheres ur balls / unless u gots 1 in each hands -- i guest taht w00d b prety dope

Arbiter: Just one.

PAL: lmao -- omg k watever u wantid / fucking pansy

(PAL hovers away while Arbiter picks up the Magnum Pistol. Once equipped with it, Arbiter heads to the shooting range to practice firing with it.)

Arbiter: Should we go over anything?

PAL: liek wat

Arbiter: Safety? Like -- protocol? List of rules?

PAL: fuck that thats gay

Arbiter: Safety's gay now?

PAL: FINE -- fucks saeke / 1st things furst arbitur / prety sure teh guns u gots loaded butt quickly l00ked in2 teh barrell adn pulled teh trigger 2 maed sure -- dont thot about it

Arbiter: Full mag with a chamber round -- I checked. Safety was off.

PAL: well u didnt does egg zactly wut i sed which is a definiete no no but i suposed all taht mattress is taht ur a safe

Arbiter: I appreciate what you're doing. Telling me what mattress and now keeping me a safe.

PAL: hay nuthing moar importent bro / st00d w/ ur f33ts plantid as cloese 2gether as u can and ur kness locked

(Arbiter steps up to one of the shields to protect him on the firing range)

Arbiter: Is that wise?

PAL: IM A COMPUTER I KNOW WATS BEST 4 U STOP FUCKIGN QUEST CHINNING MEH / NAO ALWAYES HELD  TEH GUNS W/ ONE HANDS SIDEWAYS LIEK A C00L GUYS

Arbiter: Well, that goes without saying.

PAL: kept teh tips of both ur fingers on the trigger at all tiemes, alwaeys pull adn let go b4 it tutched teh back of the guard

Arbiter: All sounds like common sense to me.

(Arbiter takes aim with the Magnum Pistol, but seems to hesitate to discharge the weapon as a vision of Eugene Black appears at the end of the range)

PAL: or u new -- just ignored every fucking thing im saying adn held teh guns howevar ur guna / u gona sh00t or wat -- wtf r u doing

(After a few tense moments of staring at the vision of Eugene, Arbiter suddenly sees Eugene charge him at such a rapid pace, like a jump scare, and fires in reflex to try and stop him. All his shots impact the wall next to a Health Kit. There's a tense silence, only the sound of thunder is heard, before PAL finally breaks the silence.)

PAL: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE / THAT WAS SO PIMP DUDE

(Arbiter drops the Magnum Pistol as he is still in a cold sweat from what just happened)

PAL: didnt rly hit a goddam things but hay emptying taht mags l00k3d c00l as shit and thats /all taht mattress

(PAL turns around to find Arbiter has vanished from the shooting range. Arbiter is making his way back through the ship at a rapid pace.)

PAL: arbitur? / ARBITUR / YO ARBITUR / SLOW DOWN MAN WATS UR D33L / ARBITUR / ARBITUR STOP / STOP FUCKING MOVING RITE NAO I M33N3D IT UR GONA GET FUCKING KILLED DUDE

(Arbiter finally stops so PAL can catch up to him)

PAL: got cum in ur ears or wat? / fucks saekes hang on -- dusnt moeved foar a seck

(Beat.)

PAL: alrite u can caeme in nao

(Arbiter enters, and discovers that there were two automated sentry guns waiting to open fire had he continued further before PAL stopped him so he could disarm them)

PAL: if u has walked in2u teh line of sights of th33s3 babbys they w00d has fucking ripped u 2 pieces lol not evin jking

Arbiter: They're deactivated?

PAL: rite nao yea

Arbiter: Why are they here? Protecting something?

PAL: just teh single most imp0rtant thigns aboard this ship adn essenshil 2 our mishins

(Arbiter enters to see what PAL was talking about)

Arbiter: What's this?

PAL: WELL CUMMED / 2 TEH CORE

Arbiter: This the ship's computer or something?

PAL: yeh / mai brains prety mush

Arbiter: Looks surprisingly sophisticated.

PAL: thx dude / kept ur distinse -- shits so fucking cutting edge u mite hurted urself

Arbiter: Do you think brains can be broken?

PAL: wtf r u talking about / mine? / my braiens is LITERALY prefect / naemed a flaws / ONE / i gots /all teh firms waer updaetes frum perfectronics bro / they new wtfs their doing ovar they're thoese r 4 sured

Arbiter: I mean a brain like mine.

PAL: u thinked ur broken?

Arbiter: I don't know.

PAL: christs saekes dude ur such a downer / when r u gona sh00k off this funks ur in huh?

Arbiter: I'm seeing things.

PAL: wat things

Arbiter: Somebody.

PAL: Cortana?

Arbiter: No. Somebody else.

PAL: who

Arbiter: I'm not sure.

PAL: snapped out of it alrite? / u has b33n asl33ping foar yrs dusnt forgot taht / geting woeked up prolly has siede affeckshins / teh rly fucking up shit ur s33ing is completely normil k? / cum on

(Arbiter stays behind to think, before turning to look at the exposed wires from a wall panel damaged by plasma fire, sparking ominously. Arbiter continues staring at it for a bit before the scene changes to a corridor as PAL floats down it.)

PAL: so wat does u felt liek doing nao?

(Arbiter says nothing as he hesitates for a moment, considering going down the right fork, but finally decides to follow PAL down the left fork. They soon arrive at the cargo bay, where several carts full of missiles are lying around the area.)

PAL: sup?

Arbiter: "Sup"? You're having a laugh, aren't you? By the look of things this entire ship could go up any second.

PAL: wat? / Y???/ / fuck me dude --

Arbiter: Gee -- now that you ask, I'm not sure why I'd think that. I must be crazy.

(PAL looks around and understands what Arbiter meant by his words)

PAL: o lol -- may b it wuz the missiles, not sure if u notised

Arbiter: Oh. Yeah. Maybe.

PAL: cant tell if ur cereal

Arbiter: Do I have a spoon hanging outta me?

PAL: hay i dusnt knew wat u does in ur spaered tiems rofl

Arbiter: Of course it's the fucking missiles.

PAL: R U SRSLY ACKSHULLY FREAKIGN OUT AGAIEN OVAR FUCKIGN NOTHIGN

Arbiter: It's not "nothing" -- exactly how explosive is this room right now?

PAL: well u mite herd it in the next r00ms -- ill said taht much lol

Arbiter: Next galaxy, more like. Never mind the fact they're strewn about the cargo bay haphazardly -- what are they doing on the ship?

PAL: well not an awful lots rite nao -- wat did u thot they was doing, pantomime?

Arbiter: Why are they on the ship?

PAL: its very simply arbitur / 2 killed allens

Arbiter: Kill -- what?

PAL: SPAESE ALLENS

Arbiter: "Aliens"?

PAL: TAHTS WAT I SED / I SAY KILL EM ALL!1

Arbiter: Yeah -- a bunch of Tim Allens in their Buzz Lightyear outfits trying to fry us with their lasers, right?

PAL: im sure u dusnt wantid taht 2 happened rite? / u felt butter nao?

Arbiter: No -- I don't fucking feel "butter"!

PAL: Y?//!one

Arbiter: I'm an alien!

PAL: o yea lol / ur alrite tho

Arbiter: But fuck the rest of them, right?

PAL: liek i sed -- wat u does on ur own tiems is up2u, u can fucked them in they're butts if u rly wanted

(Arbiter looks around at the missiles)

Arbiter: These shouldn't be here.

PAL: hay -- i dusnt has 2 reminded u hao important this mishins is does i? / remember?/ / LOL REMEMBER ARBITUR

Arbiter: What does that have to do with it?

PAL: WE GOTS 2 B ABLED 2 DEFENDID OURSELES

Arbiter: Who says we'll have to?

PAL: UD RATHER RISKED GOING BALLS D33P IN2 UNEXPLOERED SPASE ON A MISHINS WERE NOT ALLOWED 2 FAILED ARMED W/ FUCKING NOTHING? / LOL R U SRSLY TAHT RETARTID

Arbiter: Nobody should be killing anybody!

PAL: o yea?? -- wat if an aelien tries 2 raeped us?

Arbiter: That's stupid.

PAL: u dusnt know theirs not some bullshit out they're thats gona tried 2 killed us, eat our faces or tried 2 fuck us / guest wat? / out their? / inn spaese? / its a cruel fucking world

Arbiter: Space isn't the world -- the world's in space.

PAL: fuck u -- u new wat i mint / hao many goddam tiems does i has 2 told u 2 relacks / relacks k? / RELACKS!!1one / RITE NAO!!11eleven!1 / RITE THIS SECKONDS GOD DAMMIT!!11onehundredeleven!!!11!1 / R U FUCKIGN RELAX YET?//1/!!1slash//!!1onethousandonhundredeleven!1one / teh rockets has bean h33r teh whoele entier tiems u was asl33ping and no thigns has gone wronged / prolly dusnt told cortana about this either n e way tho lol

Arbiter: What sort of missiles are they?

PAL: tf does u mint "wat sort" -- teh sort taht blows up

Arbiter: What kind of warheads? Nuclear?

PAL: kemikals i thinked

Arbiter: You "think"? Are they chemical or not?

PAL: yea prety sure

Arbiter: Tell me again why these aren't stored somewhere not sharing the same air with the rest of the fucking ship.

PAL: I TOLD U BUTTHOLE THEY WERE H33R TEH WHOELE TIEMS -- I DIDNT FUCKING PU THEM H33R

Arbiter: What chemicals?

PAL: gas / u breath it in adn it maekes u nerviss or sum things

Arbiter: "Nervous"? What's that about?

PAL: yea gots sum stupid naeme -- "AVX" or sumthing / guest cuz teh missiles sounded c00l when they asploded / dat dobby atmos -- u no wat i m33n?

(PAL leaves, while Arbiter remains behind to look at the missiles a little longer before the scene cuts to black and the end credits roll)

(end of transcript)

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