|← "Digital Fruitcakes"||"Night of the Evading Dead"||"The Mail Room" →|
Opening credits roll. A black screen is shown.
- Interviewer: "Quite clearly, the online interactions in today's video games today are quite volatile at best. Outright racism, harassment, sexual and otherwise, absolutely foul language to name just a few major issues. Not only are there the children that are exposed to this but also the ones who experience and are immersed in it for hours a day. What measures is the administration taking against this?"
- OMN representative: "Well, we do have several measures in place. And while we do believe it's the responsability of the parent to monitor what their child accesses, we do have a system that will allow people to rate other players and decrease their likelyhood of running into the more rowdy individuals."
- Interviewer: "Yes, these "rowdy players" as you call them, what do you think drives them to behave the way they do?"
Fade from black. An Infection game on Powerhouse is seen.
- OMN representative: "Well, um. I suppose they're likely taking advantage of the allure of anonymity that comes with accessing the internet. The opportunity to to temporarily become someone else. To briefly become a monster if you will."
- Interviewer: "Interesting theory. Let me ask you this, do you believe they're alive or dead inside?"
- OMN representative: "Uh..we're not sure."
A player runs over to the edge of the map. Brent sneaks up and assassinates him. He then starts teabagging the dead player.
- Brent: "You like these thighs, huh? These are the thighs of a fucking Warrant Officer.
He is seen killing another player on Sword Base.
- Brent: "Where ya going, little punk ass? Thought you could run? Idiot!"
He starts teabagging again. Brent is seen killing and teabagging a player on Reflection.
- Brent: "Happy Halloween, mother fucker! Here's your candy, best fuckin' candy you ever tasted."
Brent is killed.
Meanwhile Arbiter is seen heading down a dark hallway. Around the corner he sees Cody jumping around.
- Cody: "This is bullshit! We were one vote away from not having to play on this retarded map!"
- Arbiter: "I like this map."
- Cody: "You would! So you voted for this then? Gosh! We should play on my maps,they're so beast!"
- Arbiter: "What?"
- Cody: "They're beast."
- Arbiter: "Whatever. Just stop yelling."
- Cody: "I'm not yelling! And don't tell me to chill out! My dad said I can only play one more level before I gotta go to bed and this isn't the level I wanted to spend my goddamn level on!"
- Arbiter: "Weren't you the kid in that condom PSA?"
- Cody: "Oh my god,I hate you guys who think all kids are dumb and shouldn't play online. I'm not one of those kids, okay? And guess what? I'm not going anywhere."
Brent assassinates Cody.
- Cody: "Noooo!"
- Arbiter: "Whoa, crap!"
- Cody: "Nooo! I can't play again 'till after school tomorrow!"
- Arbiter: "Suck it up, princess."
- Cody[to Brent]: "I hate you!"
Brent starts teabagging him.
- Brent: "Yeah, but you love these fucking thighs, don't you? Oh, shit yeah! War-rant Of-fi-cer!"
Arbiter runs away. Brent chases him.
- Brent: "Where you going, ET? You scared? You going home, ET? Don't blame ya. Got a Warrant Officer up in this mother fucker right here."
Scene 2: Jon's ApartmentEdit
Arbiter is seen asleep on Jon's bed. Chief comes over and start shaking him to wake him up.
- Chief: "arbitur waek up"
- Arbiter: "What?"
- Chief: "Its halloween"
- Arbiter: "You don't wake people up for Halloween."
Arbiter looks at the clock. 6:03.
- Arbiter: "Especially not at six."
- Chief: "lets pleh hal0"
- Arbiter: "No. I've been playing all night. I've had my fill of online assholes."
- Chief: "butt arbitur / this guy / this gai on mai frend list / hes hoasting infection custims all day / it's gonna be so b33st"
- Arbiter: "...So what?"
- Chief: "beast"
- Arbiter: "Go away, play without me."
- Chief: "u bettar not still be butt hert about teh closet thign"
- Arbiter[sarcastic]: "What a ludicrous thought.[not sarcastic] I'm just tired and need more sleep"
- Chief: "theres a big spid3r bai ur f33t"
- Arbiter: "Aah!"
Arbiter jolts up in terror.
- Chief: "jk[just kidding] lol / U FEEL LIEK PLAYIGN NAO?"
They are both seen in the chair with Xbox controllers.
- Chief: "THIS IS GUNNA B SO BEAST"
- Arbiter: "Shut up.":
- Chief: "no u"
Scene 3: Cody's MapEdit
Arbiter and Chief are seen looking around the map, having just joined the game.
- Arbiter: "Beast" means "dog shit", right?"'
- Chief: "ur funny / hey look at me / srsly ur really funny."
- Arbiter: "Thanks."
Brent comes up behind Arbiter and Chief.
- Brent: "Oh wow, look who it is, it's Dudly the dragon."
They turn around.
- Brent: "Who's your butt buddy?"
- Chief: "MASTUR CH33F"
- Brent: "No kidding? That's fucking original. Well, I'll tell you what boys I'm totally jonesing for some kill points from a couple plump little online bitches right now-"
Brent is killed by a rocket. Cody walks up reloading his rocket launcher.
- Arbiter: "Are you kidding me?"
- Chief: "SUP BRO / this is the gai i wuz talkign about / hes host"
- Arbiter: "God damnit."
- Cody[to Arbiter]: "You're that guy from before."
Arbiter starts walking away.
- Arbiter: "Didn't dad say you were supposed to be in bed like five hours ago?"
- Cody: "Do you think you're funny and cool with that windows voice?"
Arbiter continues walking.
- Cody: "You're gonna die if you go alone.
- Chief: "yeah tard"
- Arbiter: "Seems like a good alternative. I got up to for some Halo, not morning recess at the playground."
- Cody: "There's a Falcon out at a docking bay, I can show you how to get there. This is my map."
- Arbiter: "Figures you made this piece of shit. I could align the walls better with my ass."
- Cody: "Whatever, retard, do whatever you want. Come on we can't stay here."
Cody walks off.
- Chief: "k"
Chief follows Cody. Arbiter looks around uneasily and takes off after them.
- Arbiter: "Wait up, Caillou!"
The three are seen walking up a tunnel.
- Chief: "SO WHERES THE CAR"
- Cody: "You just keep heading up as far as you can and there's a teleporter that takes you to it."
- Chief: "this map is so beast dude"
- Arbiter[sarcastic]: "For sure,dude."
They come out on a platform.
- Chief: "Stupid ass guns run out to fast in this dumb game. I need more rockets. Cover me while I go down there and get ammo."
Chief raises his gun.
- Chief: "u can count on meh man / i got ur six"
Cody heads down to a lower platform to get rockets. Chief waits until Cody's not looking.
- Chief: "ROFL lets go"
Chief starts walking up the next ramp.
- Arbiter: "What about-"
- Chief: "fuck him / we know where the car is / lolololololololo"
- Arbiter: "No argument here. You know there's a difference between cars and planes, right?"
Arbiter follows Chief. Cody reloads and notices that they're gone.
- Cody: "Okay, I'm good. Oh what the hell!? Wow, are you assholes serious?! Come back here! This is my fucking map! My custom game! You can't leave without me you sons of bitches!"
Brent rolls up and kills Cody.
- Brent: "Ya know what my left thumb doesn't ache so bad anymore. I think I'm ready for a few hundred more dips. You ready?"
Brent starts teabaging Cody.
- Cody: "Noooooooo!"
Arbiter and Chief are seen fending off zombies further up the tower. Chief empties his assault rifle into one.
- Chief: "i killed one / but nao i dont has amm0 / :( [sad face]"
- Arbiter: "Your friends list is a real gong show, you know that?"
- Chief: "so? urs is full of hipsters / how come u dont u play w/ them? oh yeah their all at starbucks"
- Arbiter: "You're an idiot! And at least there's no one on my list would lock someone in a closet for a fortnight."
Chief and Arbiter are seen in the real world.
- Chief: "omg u R stil butthurt abot taht"
- Arbiter: "Of course I am!"
- Chief: "what a pussy. it was a joke. QQ. get ovar it already."
- Arbiter: "Remember when I dared you to stop masturbating for three days? [beat] Long time, wasn't it? You didn't even make it one. And you shut me in pitch black for almost ten."
Chief puts a hand on Arbiter's shoulder.
- Chief: "[beat] my eyes have been opened / im RLY RLY RLY sry"
They are seen in the game. Brent has found them.
- Brent: "There they are. Oh man, Elites really get me in a stick clickin mood. Switch your species before next game and start playing with the rest of us normal fuckin individuals would you please?"
- Arbiter: "[to Chief] Go, wait for me by the Falcon. Don't take off."
Arbiter fires at Brent. Chief runs up the tunnel and is seen running across a walkway to the Falcon.
- Chief: "arbiturs dum / tihs lvl is badass"
Chief reaches the Falcon and waits.
- Chief: "hurry up buttburger"
The screen cuts to Arbiter running across the walk only to see that the Falcon and Chief are gone.
- Arbiter: "You son of a bitch!"
Brent approaches Arbiter from behind.
- Brent: "End of the line, Microsoft Bob or whatever the fuck that is you're using. Nowhere else for your little pussy ass to run."
- Arbiter: "You know why you're such an asshole, don't you?"
- Brent: "Why's that?"
- Arbiter: "... You're just dead inside."
- Brent: "Deep stuff, you should write a book after this is over. But the only one that's dead right here, right now, is you."
Chief rises up in the Falcon from under the landing pad. He flies towards Brent.
- Chief [to Brent]: "no u"
- Brent: "Aaawww, shit-"
Chief lands the Falcon on top of Brent, killing him. Chief flies up and around to pick up Arbiter.
- Arbiter: "That was pretty beast."
Arbiter goes over and looks at Brent's body.
- Chief: "teabag him / lol"
- Arbiter: "No. I won't descend to his level."
- Chief: "GET IN THEN DUMASS"
Arbiter heads for the Falcon. A rocket goes by, barely missing the Falcon.
- Chief: "WOLOLOLOL / o shit"
Arbiter turns and sees Cody walking up.
- Arbiter: "Hey! Don't! Douche."
- Cody: "What did I tell you?! I'm not going anywhere. See, told you."
- Cody's Father: "I told you to get into bed at one, Cody. What the hell are you still doing up?"
- Cody: "No, I was just about to go to bed! Seriously, I was!"
- Cody's Father: "Get off the Nintendo, now."
- Cody: "It's Xbox. No, Dad, let go! I gotta kill these guys!
- Chief: "HAHAHAHHAH"
- Arbiter: "That's hilarious. We should be recording"
- Cody: "[whining]"
Arbiter gets in the Falcon turret and kills Cody with it.
- Cody's Father: "Stop crying. Wanna get spanked? Want me to spank your bum?"
- Cody: "No."
- Cody's Father: "No? Then go to bed and do as your told then."
- Cody: "No."
- Cody's Father: "Then get in bed and do as you're told!"
- Cody: "No!"
- Cody's Father: "Okay, I'm spanking your bum."
- Cody: "No!"
- Arbiter: "Hahahahaha!"
They fly off into the distance.
Credits roll. The end.