| ← "Digital Fruitcakes" | "Night of the Evading Dead" | "The Mail Room" → |
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Scene 1[]
[Opening credits roll. A black screen is shown]
INTERVIEWER: Quite clearly, the online interactions in today's video games today are quite volatile at best. Outright racism, harassment, sexual and otherwise, absolutely foul language to name just a few major issues. Not only are there the children that are exposed to this but also the ones who experience and are immersed in it for hours a day. What measures is the administration taking against this?
OMN REPRESENTATIVE: Well, we do have several measures in place. And while we do believe it's the responsability of the parent to monitor what their child accesses, we do have a system that will allow people to rate other players and decrease their likelyhood of running into the more rowdy individuals.
INTERVIEWER: Yes, these "rowdy players" as you call them, what do you think drives them to behave the way they do?
[Fade from black. An Infection game on Powerhouse is seen]
OMN REPRESENTATIVE: Well, um. I suppose they're likely taking advantage of the allure of anonymity that comes with accessing the internet. The opportunity to to temporarily become someone else. To briefly become a monster if you will.
INTERVIEWER: Interesting theory. Let me ask you this, do you believe they're alive or dead inside?
OMN REPRESENTATIVE: Uh..we're not sure.
[A player runs over to the edge of the map. Brent sneaks up and assassinates him. He then starts teabagging the dead player]
BRENT: You like these thighs, huh? These are the thighs of a fucking Warrant Officer.
[Brent is then seen killing another player on Sword Base]
BRENT: Where ya going, little punk ass? Thought you could run? Idiot!
[He starts teabagging again. Brent is seen killing and teabagging a player on Reflection]
BRENT: Happy Halloween, mother fucker! Here's your candy, best fuckin' candy you ever tasted.
[Brent is killed]
[Meanwhile, Arbiter is seen heading down a dark hallway; around the corner he sees Cody jumping around]
CODY: This is bullshit! We were one vote away from not having to play on this retarded map!
ARBITER: I like this map.
CODY: You would! So you voted for this then? Gosh! We should play on my maps, they're so beast!
ARBITER: What?
CODY: They're beast.
ARBITER: Whatever. Just stop yelling.
CODY: I'm not yelling! And don't tell me to chill out! My dad said I can only play one more level before I gotta go to bed and this isn't the level I wanted to spend my goddamn level on!
ARBITER: Weren't you the kid in that condom PSA?
CODY: Oh my god, I hate you guys who think all kids are dumb and shouldn't play online. I'm not one of those kids, okay? And guess what? I'm not going anywhere.
[Brent assassinates Cody]
CODY: Noooo!
ARBITER: Whoa, crap!
CODY: Nooo! I can't play again 'till after school tomorrow!
ARBITER: Suck it up, princess.
CODY [to Brent]: I hate you!
[Brent starts teabagging him]
BRENT: Yeah, but you love these fucking thighs, don't you? Oh, shit yeah! War-rant Of-fi-cer!
[Arbiter runs away; Brent chases him]
BRENT: Where you going, ET? You scared? You going home, ET? Don't blame ya. Got a Warrant Officer up in this mother fucker right here.
Scene 2: Jon's Apartment[]
[Arbiter is seen asleep on Jon's bed. Chief comes over and start shaking him to wake him up]
CHIEF: arbitur waek up
ARBITER: What?
CHIEF: Its halloween
ARBITER: You don't wake people up for Halloween.
[Arbiter looks at the clock, which reads 6:03]
ARBITER: Especially not at six.
CHIEF: lets pleh hal0
ARBITER: No. I've been playing all night. I've had my fill of online assholes.
CHIEF: butt arbitur / this guy / this gai on mai frend list / hes hoasting infection custims all day / it's gonna be so b33st
ARBITER: ... So what?
CHIEF: beast
ARBITER: Go away, play without me.
CHIEF: u bettar not still be butt hert about teh closet thign
ARBITER [sarcastically]: What a ludicrous thought. [not sarcastic] I'm just tired and need more sleep.
CHIEF: theres a big spid3r bai ur f33t
ARBITER: Aah!
[Arbiter jolts up in terror] CHIEF: jk [just kidding] lol / U FEEL LIEK PLAYIGN NAO?
[They are both seen in the chair with Xbox controllers]
CHIEF: THIS IS GUNNA B SO BEAST
ARBITER: Shut up.
CHIEF: no u
Scene 3: Cody's Map[]
[Arbiter and Chief are seen looking around the map, having just joined the game]
ARBITER: "Beast" means "dog shit", right?
CHIEF: ur funny / hey look at me / srsly ur really funny.
ARBITER: Thanks.
[Brent comes up behind Arbiter and Chief]
BRENT: Oh wow, look who it is, it's Dudly the dragon.
[They turn around]
BRENT: Who's your butt buddy?
CHIEF: MASTUR CH33F
BRENT: No kidding? That's fucking original. Well, I'll tell you what boys I'm totally jonesing for some kill points from a couple plump little online bitches right now-
[Brent is killed by a rocket. Cody walks up reloading his rocket launcher]
ARBITER: Are you kidding me?
CHIEF: SUP BRO / this is the gai i wuz talkign about / hes host ARBITER: God damnit. CODY [to Arbiter]: You're that guy from before. [Arbiter starts walking away]
ARBITER: Didn't dad say you were supposed to be in bed like five hours ago? CODY: Do you think you're funny and cool with that Windows voice? [Arbiter continues walking] CODY: You're gonna die if you go alone. [Arbiter stops] CHIEF: yeah tard ARBITER: Seems like a good alternative. I got up to for some Halo, not morning recess at the playground. CODY: There's a Falcon out at a docking bay, I can show you how to get there. This is my map. ARBITER: Figures you made this piece of shit. I could align the walls better with my ass. CODY: Whatever, retard, do whatever you want. Come on we can't stay here. [Cody walks off] CHIEF: k [Chief follows Cody. Arbiter looks around uneasily and takes off after them]
ARBITER: Wait up, Caillou! [The three are seen walking up a tunnel]
CHIEF: SO WHERES THE CAR
CODY: You just keep heading up as far as you can and there's a teleporter that takes you to it.
CHIEF: this map is so beast dude
ARBITER [sarcastically]: For sure, dude.
[They come out on a platform]
CODY: Stupid ass guns run out to fast in this dumb game. I need more rockets. Cover me while I go down there and get ammo.
[Chief raises his gun]
CHIEF: u can count on meh man / i got ur six
[Cody heads down to a lower platform to get rockets. Chief waits until Cody's not looking]
CHIEF: ROFL lets go
[Chief starts walking up the next ramp]
ARBITER: What about-
CHIEF: fuck him / we know where the car is / lolololololololo
ARBITER: No argument here. You know there's a difference between cars and planes, right?
[Arbiter follows Chief. Cody reloads and notices that they're gone]
CODY: Okay, I'm good. Oh what the hell!? Wow, are you assholes serious?! Come back here! This is my fucking map! My custom game! You can't leave without me you sons of bitches!
[Brent rolls up and kills Cody]
BRENT: Ya know what my left thumb doesn't ache so bad anymore. I think I'm ready for a few hundred more dips. You ready? [Brent starts teabagging Cody]
CODY: Noooooooo!
[Arbiter and Chief are seen fending off zombies further up the tower. Chief empties his assault rifle into one]
CHIEF: i killed one / but nao i dont has amm0 / :( [sad face]
ARBITER: Your friends list is a real gong show, you know that?
CHIEF: so? urs is full of hipsters / how come u dont u play w/ them? oh yeah their all at starbucks
ARBITER: You're an idiot! And at least there's no one on my list would lock someone in a closet for a fortnight.
[Chief and Arbiter are seen in the real world]
CHIEF: omg u R stil butthurt abot taht
ARBITER: Of course I am!
CHIEF: what a pussy. it was a joke. QQ. get ovar it already.
ARBITER: Remember when I dared you to stop masturbating for three days? [beat] Long time, wasn't it? You didn't even make it one. And you shut me in pitch black for almost ten.
[Chief puts a hand on Arbiter's shoulder]
CHIEF: [beat] my eyes have been opened / im RLY RLY RLY sry
[They are seen in the game; Brent has found them]
BRENT: There they are. Oh man, Elites really get me in a stick clickin' mood. Switch your species before next game and start playing with the rest of us normal fuckin' individuals would you please?
ARBITER: [to Chief] Go, wait for me by the Falcon. Don't take off.
[Arbiter fires at Brent. Chief runs up the tunnel and is seen running across a walkway to the Falcon]
CHIEF: arbiturs dum / tihs lvl is badass
[Chief reaches the Falcon and waits]
CHIEF: hurry up buttburger
[The screen cuts to Arbiter running across the walk, only to see that the Falcon and Chief are gone]
ARBITER: You son of a bitch!
[Brent approaches Arbiter from behind]
BRENT: End of the line, Microsoft Bob or whatever the fuck that is you're using. Nowhere else for your little pussy ass to run.
ARBITER: You know why you're such an asshole, don't you?
BRENT: Why's that?
ARBITER: ... You're just dead inside.
BRENT: Deep stuff, you should write a book after this is over. But the only one that's dead right here, right now, is you.
[Chief rises up in the Falcon from under the landing pad; flies towards Brent]
CHIEF [to Brent]: no u
BRENT: Aaawww, shit-
[Chief lands the Falcon on top of Brent, killing him. Chief flies up and around to pick up Arbiter]
ARBITER: That was pretty beast.
[Arbiter goes over and looks at Brent's body]
CHIEF: teabag him / lol
ARBITER: No. I won't descend to his level.
CHIEF: GET IN THEN DUMASS
[Arbiter heads for the Falcon. A rocket goes by, barely missing the Falcon]
CHIEF: WOLOLOLOL / o shit
[Arbiter turns and sees Cody walking up]
ARBITER: Hey! Don't! Douche.
CODY: What did I tell you?! I'm not going anywhere. See, told you.
CODY'S FATHER:I told you to get into bed at one, Cody. What the hell are you still doing up?
CODY: No, I was just about to go to bed! Seriously, I was!
CODY'S FATHER:Get off the Nintendo, now.
CODY:It's Xbox. No, Dad, let go! I gotta kill these guys!
CHIEF: HAHAHAHHAH
ARBITER: That's hilarious. We should be recording.
CODY: [whining]
[Arbiter gets in the Falcon turret and kills Cody with it]
CODY'S FATHER: Stop crying. Wanna get spanked? Want me to spank your bum?
CODY: No.
CODY'S FATHER: No? Then go to bed and do as your told then.
CODY: No.
CODY'S FATHER: Then get in bed and do as you're told!
CODY: No!
CODY'S FATHER: Okay, I'm spanking your bum.
CODY: No!
ARBITER: Hahahahaha!
[They fly off into the distance]
[Credits roll]