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Scene 1: Jon's Apartment, MorningEdit

A morning shortly after the Electronic Entertainment Expo of June 2012, Arbiter wakes up to find Master Chief quietly sitting and waiting by the door.

  • Arbiter: As entertaining as I'm sure that door is to look at. I'm very impressed that you've managed to tear yourself away from Halo for this long. How long's it been now, two hours? Two and a half?
  • Master Chief: im not tearing myself away frum halos / on the canary -- im acshully w8ing 4 it liek srsly acshully.
  • Arbiter: "Contrary". I'm pouring myself some cereal. Would you care for a bowl yourself?

Arbiter walks toward the kitchen stove.

  • Arbiter: If you've got any room left within your inexplicable digestive system since last night, that is.
  • Master Chief: no thx arbitur, cereal fucking sucks
  • Arbiter: What the hell are you talking about?

Then Arbiter reaches the top of the stove.

  • Arbiter: That makes zero sense on infinite levels. You've maxed out your stupidity.
  • Master Chief: i dusnt wanted n e cereals arbitur, wat is so hard 2 undirst00d about that?
  • Arbiter: Oh, I understand your statement perfectly well. But I can't help but be puzzled by it in contrast with the fact that just last night you inhaled four bowls.

Arbiter takes the bowl and places it on the table.

  • Arbiter: All the while exclaiming that it was "the best cereal ever". "Orgasmic", you said.
  • Master Chief: YEH WELL i founded sumthing way moar beter / so much way moar delishiss

Then Arbiter pours cereal in the bowl.

  • Master Chief: ur moms pu$$y
  • Arbiter:(In unison with Chief): "My mom's pussy" -- right, brilliant.

Arbiter continues pouring cereal.

  • Arbiter: You're too much, Chief.
  • Master Chief: mmmmmmmmmm DELISHISS / delishiss.
  • Arbiter: You're like nitro-glycerin, man. You really ought to work on that.
  • Master Chief: THANKS / /flex
  • Arbiter: That wasn't intended to be taken as a complement, Chief.
  • Master Chief: butt exploshins is c00l tho dumbass, remembir?
  • Arbiter: Your interests and values are so prone to sudden and violent chage, is what I'm getting at. / You don't think things through and reach reasonable conclusions with ease, you snap from one unreasonable one to the next. It's not a very attractive quality.
  • Master Chief: "knot an atractive quantity"? wat r u, ghey? NIETHER IS UR FACE SHUT UP
  • Arbiter: Wow. Point well made. You really put me in my place.
  • Master Chief: besiedes that isnt evin a fucking fax.
  • Arbiter: I'm sorry, but Jon doesn't have a fax machine -- what am I suppose eto do? Otherwise I'd be more happy to fax my thoughts to you if that's honestly what you'd perfer. You'd just need to learn how to read.
  • Master Chief: HAO CAN U SED THAT THO / I HAS ALWAYES BEAN BUNGIE AND MS'S NUMBIR WON FANS / NEVAR STOPPED FOAR WON SINGEL MINITS AND DOESN'T EVER INTENDED 2 / PRAISE BUNGIE / PRAISE MS -- PRAISE THEM ARBITUR WTF IS U W8ING 4 / DUMBAS -- TEH ELECTRIC ELECTRONIC EXPO REMEMBER? HALO FOAR, REMEMBER?

[Beat]

  • Master Chief:LOL REMEMBER ARBITUR?
  • Arbiter: Yes. / What of it?
  • Master Chief: WTF R THE MATTERS W/ U? FUCKING HALO 4 MOTHER FUCKER ISNT U FUCKING STOEKED? NO OF COURSE NOT, Y W00D U B, UR 2 BIZZY PLAYING EVRY OLD ASS SHITTY ASS ? RETARTED ASS GAMES THAT CAEME OUT B4 JESUS WAS BOURNE / ur a fucking tater / a hairy tick / in fax ur liek the hairiest tick ever
  • Arbiter: I'll keep it in mind to shave one of these days. And, actually, I think Halo 4 looks quite interesting. I'm enthralled that they're introducing radically different enemies and weapons this time around. I'm hoping they also take the opportunity to flesh out Master Chief's character. Enough to rival the other character-driven narratives out there, like Mass Effect, Uncharted, Dead Space, et cetera.
  • Master Chief: mastur ch33fs alreadie teh best fucking characters ever bitch and he fleshed ur mom last nite / I HASNT, DUSNT, DIDNT, AND WERENT AFRAID OF ANYTHING EVAR.
  • Arbiter: Except speaking proper English. There aren't four tenses, Chief -- not unless perhaps you're Dockter Who.
  • Master Chief: pasta, presents, the fyeutcher and a littel bits later. / C?
  • Arbiter: And now -- a drumroll, please -- for the million dollar question. Why are you sitting there waiting for Halo 4?
  • Master Chief: um b cause its the best gaemes ever / a millyen bux pls / JONS GUNA B BAK W/ IT N E MINITS, I KNEW IT
  • Arbiter: So you're honestly just going to sit there until November?

Master Chief rapidly turns around to Arbiter.

  • Master Chief: november? / [Beat] wtf r u talkin about? thats fucking forever away, y w00d i does that?
  • Arbiter: Because the game won't be released until November. Its development thus far was demonstrated at E3, that's it. What, did you think it was a launch party or something?
  • Master Chief: GOD FUCKING DAMMIT

Chief started stumping rapidly on the floor.

  • Master Chief: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
  • Arbiter: You could always jump back on your canary and fly down to Kirkland, they might give you an early play test.
  • Master Chief: :'( [Crying Face] THIS ISNT FUCKING FAIER / I WANA PLAY HALO FOAR RITE FUCKING NAO / FUCK BUNGIE / FUCK MS / Y W00D THEY SHOW PPLS A GAEMES AND THEN MADE THEM ALL W8, THATS SO FUCKING RETARTED
  • Arbiter: Come on Chief, settle down.

Then Master Chief stops stumping.

  • Arbiter: It's not that bad. There's nothing stopping you from playing Reach until then. You love Reach.

Chief shows Arbiter that he has thrown the copy of Halo: Reach in the bin.

  • Arbiter: You are fucking unbelievable.
  • Master Chief: REACH IS THE GAYEST FUCKING GAEMES EVER MAED ARBITUR / HALO FOAR, ON THE OTHIR HANDS? THATS THE SHIT RITE THEY'RE, BRAH

End credits.

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