← "Wedding" "Professional" "Face-Off" →

Scene 1: Jon's apartment Edit

[Gunfire can be heard from the television. Arbiter is playing on the Xbox. Chief is standing is front of the computer monitor. He turns to face Arbiter.]

Chief: HAY ARBITUR / chek it otu / new HALO 3: RECON gaempley footage!!!1one!

Arbiter: Bullshit.

Chief: no srsly bungi3 juts liek postid it a minit ag0 cum C

Arbiter: No they didn't. You're full of shit.

Chief: arbitur SRSLY cum l00k its so ossim-

Arbiter: I already know what you're trying to do and it's not going to work.


Arbiter: Shut up.

Chief: IM NOT FUCK1NG LYING U FAG its on bungi3s frunt paej adn sum1 put it on U tueb / COME SEE FAGGOT

[Arbiter pauses his game.]

Arbiter: God dammit.

[He approaches the computer monitor next to Chief and grabs the mouse.]

Arbiter: If this is what I think it is I'm gonna kick your ass.

[Chief stifles silent laughter with his hand and quickly runs away.]

Chief: :D [silent]

[The computer monitor displays a video with the words "Halo 3: Recon" written while dramatic music plays.]

Arbiter: ...I swear to God...

[It suddenly cuts to Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up". Arbiter grabs a nearby box of tissues and hurls them at Chief, who has taken the Xbox controller and is now sitting on the couch.]

Chief: LOL!

Arbiter: YOU'RE A FUCKING DOUCHE. That shit is SO overdone. I bet Rick Astley is pissed right off.

[He sits down next to Chief.]

Chief: i acshuly juts wantid teh ecksbawkz

Arbiter: I FIGURED.

Chief: MAI NEW FRIND IS ON HALO3 RITE NAO / u gots 2 m33t him / HES SO COOL

Arbiter: Well if he's any cooler than "xXxSm0k3w33d4LyPh3420xXx" then I HAVE to meet him. Your taste in friends is impeccable.

Chief: eh dosint lissin 2 his praents 0R claen his r00m!1

Arbiter: Sounds like a real hardass!

Chief: YA / adn get tihs: / HES MLG!!1one!1

Arbiter: WHOOPEE.


Scene 2: Meeting Craig Edit

[Arbiter and Chief join two Spartan model players on the Foundry map.]

Chief: craig!!1 / CRAIG!!1eleven+shift!11one!11! / ITS MEH / MASTUR CH33F

Craig: Oh, [puffs] hey, Mister Chief, whatever. [Aside, to the female Spartan next to him] This guy's such a loser. He's not even MLG like I am.

[The female Spartan giggles.]

Craig: How's it goin' big guy?

Chief: G00D

Craig: You been, uh, practising so you can join my professional MLG team?

Chief: YA YA YA

Craig: [Aside to his companion] He never will. Fuckin' loser.

[The female Spartan giggles again. Craig looks at Arbiter but speaks to Chief.]

Craig: Who's your little friend?

Chief: O SRY CRAIG / tihs r mai frind teh arbitur / ARBITUR / SAE HAI

Arbiter: Hi.

Craig: Hey buddy. You, uh, [sniffs] MLG like I am?

Arbiter: No.

[Craig and his friend both laugh to themselves.]

Craig: Yeah. You're never short of a few mediocre players in your midst on this game, that's for damn sure.


Craig: Oh you know. Just, uh, been doing some important, uh, MLG stuff, Major League Gaming, very important, [Arbiter shakes his head in disbelief] with some other professional MLG players...


Craig: ...And, uh...


Craig: ...And, uh, just hanging out with my hot girlfriend here. Have you met Krystal?

Krystal: [Giggles] I like alpha males. I have no personality. [Giggles]

Arbiter: Looks like a match made in heaven. I haven't heard you mentioned at all, Craig. Where have you played recently?

Craig: Oh, uh, y-y-y-you know that place? [Krystal looks at him] I forget the name of the place. There's--there's a big place, like an big im-important place somewhere in like, you know, that--that whole area. It was pretty big.


Arbiter: Oh yeah? Who were you playing against?

Craig: Uh, th-this--this um professional team, MLG team, th-they--they were good but, not as good as me, but...

[Krystal giggles.]

Chief: I <3 { less than three } U CRAIG

Craig: But, but err... What was their name again? Uh, started with a, uh, what did it start with...?

Arbiter: You haven't actually played any official MLG matches, have you?

Craig: [Pause] Sorry, I've got some important MLG stuff to do. Would you guys mind leaving? Some, uh [sniffs] other big professional MLG guys are gonna be joining in a minute, and I need this space so...

Arbiter: A room full of big MLG guys, huh? I'd better check your "party details" once I leave and skim over the names! See if there's anyone I recognize!

Craig: Uh, actually, I don't--I don't think the, um, the--the party detail thing--the Xbox Live thing is working--uh, I-I mean actually I thi--I think the meetup is tomorrow actually, yeah my mistake. Err, I-I-I don't think they're joining today.

Arbiter: Oh! Then you won't mind if we stay then.

[Krystal looks at Craig.]

Craig: Err...

Arbiter: Just messing with you, Craig. I gotta go anyway, there's things I need to do.

Craig: ...Oh [snorts] well good thing actually because those professional players are joining my game today, so, yeah the meetup actually is today so I was wrong, so yeah, if you could just get out, that would be great.

Chief: :(! { sad face } / can i stay craig?/ / plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Craig: Sorry champ. This room's for professional MLG players only. But keep practising cowboy. Maybe one day.

Chief: yaaayyyyyyyy

Craig: [Aside to Krystal] As if that'll ever happen.

[Krystal giggles.]

Arbiter: Nice meeting you, Craig. You too, Krystal! I can tell your relationship will be long and prosperous!

Krystal: Oh my gosh, thank you!

[Arbiter and Chief leave the room.]

Craig: Heh. What a couple of fuckin' losers.

[Krystal giggles.]

Craig: Did you know? This one time, I actually almost drank a whole can of beer.

Krystal: [Gasps] Like, oh my God, really? [Giggles]

Craig: Yep. Almost a whole fuckin' can.

[Back in the apartment, Arbiter chucks his controller down and stands up. He walks away with one hand on his forehead, as if he has a headache.]

Arbiter: HOLY fucking shit.

Chief: arbitur u wer n0t vry niec 2 craig

Arbiter: FUCK Craig! Craig's an asshole!

Chief: :O { surprised face }

Arbiter: I knew you had a shit taste in friends but I didn't know it was THAT fucking bad.


Secne 3: The Next Day Edit

[The screen fades to black, with white text reading "The Next Day". Arbiter opens the fridge and grabs a can of beer. He carries it away and notices Chief sitting in the hallway, facing away from him.]

Arbiter: What the hell? Chief?

Chief: :'( { crying face } / go weeyy

Arbiter: What's the matter? Run out of vaseline again?

Chief: snif / its craig [he wipes his face with a tissue]

Arbiter: What ABOUT that douche?

Chief: him adn his frinds maed fuN of meh / maed meh crai / :(! { sad face }

Arbiter: Well maybe NOW you'll learn to pick better friends.

Chief: adn he calld u a cockmongling queefburg3r / :'(! { crying face }

[Arbiter tosses aside his beer. Dramatic music begins to play.]

Arbiter: Come on. [He hauls Chief up and drags him in the direction of the lounge.]

Chief: o shit / wur we goign?/

Arbiter: We're gonna have a LITTLE chat with Craig.

[The dramatic music ends and the words "TO BE CONTINUED" appear. Credits roll.]

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