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Scene 1: Preparations Edit

PLAYER 1: And I thought online weddings were lame. This is the gayest shit I've ever heard of in my life.

PLAYER 2: You'd probably feel at least a little bit differently if you knew the guy. I mean, we were hardly BFFs or anything, in fact, he'd be a real asshole sometimes, but death puts things like that into perspective.

PLAYER 1: No, I have- have no issue with people paying respects to this dude, but hosting an online virtual reality memorial service within a first-person shooter is ridiculous. Sorry. It seems to me that it trivializes the guy's death, as if nobody gives enough of a fuck to give him a real service.

PLAYER 2: He's more than likely to get a real service from his family. This is intended solely for his MLG clan members and online friends.

PLAYER 1: I still think it's retarded.

PLAYER 2: It's a little bit weird, but at least hearts are in the right place. People wanna pay respects in a way that feels significant to them, more so than posting some shit on Facebook or Twitter or something.

PLAYER 1: And I recall seeing some video online in which some guild on World of Warcrack organized this same sort of thing for one of its members who died.

PLAYER 2: Really? How did that turn out?

PLAYER 1: Oh, beautifully. I don't think we had anything to worry about.

Scene 2: Argument Edit

PLAYER: So- so- sorry. It was an accident. Er, I leant, I leant on my right trigger, my mistake, I put my controller down on the floor for a minute to go to the bathroom and stepped on it when I came back.

MODERATOR: This is a solemn affair and should be treated as if it were the real thing.

PLAYER: I know that.

MODERATOR: Those who've organized this have requested explicitly that we enforce a zero-tolerance policy towards any sort of misconduct. And for good reason. Wouldn't you agree? Or do you think that this is some sort of game?

PLAYER: Well, yeah, actually.

[beat]

MODERATOR: You make me sick.

Scene 3: Memorial Edit

SPEAKER: We're gathered here to honor the short life and memory, and more importantly, the remarkable gaming skill of a player close to each of our hearts. Sort of. Blumpkinbeast666.

ATTENDEE 1: [chuckles] Really -- Seriously?

ATTENDEE 2: Shhhh!

SPEAKER: Those who played with him should recognize his typical armor color scheme and permutations of choice on the avatar set to display next to mine, in the hopes that he might attend this service in spirit.

ATTENDEE 1: Yeah. Why bounce around immortal from cloud to cloud, when he can be hanging out with these neckbeards instead.

ATTENDEE 2: Hey, you think they have DSL up in heaven?

ATTENDEE 3: Dude, shut up.

SPEAKER: Following a play session lasting a over a hundred non-stop hours in his endless quest to be the greatest Halo player in existence, a blood clot formed in Blumpkin's leg, and was eventually dislodged. The clot traveled to an enormal opening in his heart and obstructed a blood vessel in his brain, causing him to die from a stroke. Those who knew him personally are probably aware that he was failing all classes at school. However, as anybody can clearly see from his K/D, he was bright in his own way.

ATTENDEE 1: Not that bright, obviously...

SPEAKER: Blumpkin was also a musician of unparalleled talent. Please be silent as we share with you a track from his personally produced rap album, which he himself requested to be played in the event that he drop dead playing Halo. [short beat] I need to play it over my microphone. Apologize for the quality. Though no bitrate is low enough to dampen the quality of his music's essence and important embedded messages. Enjoy.

[the song starts]

Uh, Uh-huh, Yeah
I'm a booty-loving gangsta
And my bitches are so fine
No one better cross me
Or they be dining on my nine
Smoking chronic like a gangsta,
Earning fat stacks of fifties,
Bouncing with my bitches
And sucking on their titties…

ATTENDEE 1: Wow... I take back everything I said earlier. How cruel is it that the Tupac reincarnate would be taken from us again so soon?

[camera shot from above; zoom out reveals a group of Elite players standing; music fades out, replaced with noise]

Scene 4: Two Months Earlier Edit

[cut to a building on fire, in a Halo Reach map]

['two months earlier' fades in and out]

[Chief stares at the building]

CHIEF: this univercity map pack is fucking sick dued

[Arbiter enters]

ARBITER: 'Anniversary'. But I agree, the maps are very nicely done.

CHIEF: i <3 { heart } bungie / they cud haz just remaede a bunch of older maps but they decisioned 2 maed completly bran new 1s

ARBITER: Yeah, right...

CHIEF: does u no wat sucks dick tho arbiter? does u no?

ARBITER: Me, right?

CHIEF: lol yea butt i m33n besiede that / onlien is beast and evry things, but it sux that we dusnt has no moar adventchurs 2 go on / dusnt u think that sux?

ARBITER: Adventures? What adventures?

CHIEF: liek when we trashed that retarted wedding and had 2 stopped those gay ass theosis assholes / remembir?

[long beat]

ARBITER: Don't say it --

CHIEF: LOL REMEMBIR ARBITUR? remembir? REMEMBIR? remembir nao? dusnt u remembir? hahahahhahahhahh

ARBITER: Yeah, i'd totally get a kick out of that -- to be pitted with you online against yet another pack of fucking idiots.

Scene 5: Assault Edit

[an Elite player is seen approaching moderators guarding the entrance]

MODERATOR 1: Whoa. Excuse me. This is a weapons-free server intended solely for the commemoration of a player who's passed.

MODERATOR 2: Stop right where you are! Don't move. Click your left stick and back away from your controller right now. I don't know how you've managed it, but you've shouldn't spawn with anything else than a plasma pistol. Drop your weapons immediately or exit the server, otherwise I'll eject you myself.

EUGENE: Oh, crap. I'm really sorry. I'm... not sure how I spawned with these either. Must be some sort of glitch or something... I'm not here to cause trouble, okay? Far from it. The deceased was a good friend of mine and I have only the utmost respect for his service. You have to believe me.

[camera shows a cloaked player approaching one of the moderators from behind]

MODERATOR 2: Are you playing with any sort of homebrew software?

EUGENE: Uh... not that I'm aware of... what's homebrew?

MODERATOR 2: Alright, we're not gonna ban you. But we need you to quit and rejoin the server for safety. Hopely this is indeed just some one-time glitch and upon reentry you'll be assigned the appropriate base player traits. [short beat] What are you waiting for? I've told you what you need to do, otherwise you won't be attending the service.

EUGENE: Yes, as a matter of fact, I will be.

MODERATOR 2: I beg your pardon? You'll do everything I damn well tell you to do and obey by the rules, or I'll beat your punk ass outta here, whether you're a friend of the deceased or not. Are we clear?

MODERATOR 1: There's no need to make this difficult. You'll be more than welcome if you just want to rejoin.

[a moderator is fragged from behind; another one turns around]

EUGENE: You're relieved of your duties, Commander Faggot. [he frags the moderator from behind with his sword]

Scene 6: Two Months Earlier (continued)Edit

[cut to Arbiter and Chief's in-game avatars walking through an in-game map]

CHIEF: k this is geting boring / lets play match making / i wanna troll pplz / >:D (mischievous face)

ARBITER: Sigh. Must the match objectives always be secondary to trolling the shit out of everybody?

CHIEF: if it werent then y w00d i play onlien, thats the whoel fucking point of it lol

ARBITER: No it isn't! [beat] Sigh. Who am I kidding? Online gaming will never amount to anything more than a total gong show. It can't.

CHIEF: wat is u talking about / its fun / :3 (lion face)

[cut to Chief and Arbiter sat down with an Xbox controller at Jon's apartment]

ARBITER: Yes. And sure, there are communities out there striving for clean, fair and inoffensive gaming -- But on a global level, anonymity's far too powerful a motivator to indulge in unsavory behaviour.

[footage of Tyler, Colin and Eugene wreaking havoc at the memorial service as the Moderators try to stop them; Arbiter continues speaking]

ARBITER: As much as people might not like to admit it or try to repress it, conflict is a fundamental element of human nature. Of your nature.

CHIEF: AWWWWW YEEEAAHHH!

ARBITER: Even mine. Though at a much lesser capacity, I would hope. Anonymity brings that element of conflict to the surface. It corrupts. Turns good people horrible and horrible people into something unspeakable.

CHIEF: ur mom? / aftar im thru w/ her n e wayz) / LOL.

[cuts to Eugene standing still]

[title card fades in and out]

[click is heard, Eugene stops and turns around]

EUGENE: Looks like our budding trolls finally made it in.

[Arbiter and Chief enter]

EUGENE: What do you guys say we let our clans newest members get their dicks wet and take point.

CHIEF: omfg / yes plex / :D { happy face } / lololololololololol

ARBITER: I thought you'd never ask.

[cut to black]


Scene 7: Kitchen Edit

CHIEF: holy shit, u did nothing butt whined and bitch evir sinse u gots h33r / gtf off my backs, w00d u?

CORTANA: How many backs do you have?

CHIEF: THE ONE BEHINDED ME AND THE BACK OF MY COCK / if u gots a problims w/ me, f33l fr33 2 stoked teh ladder / LOL

ARBITER [sitting away]: 'Latter'.

CHIEF: shut the fuck up arbitur nobodies is talking 2 u u fucking queef

GREG [to Arbiter]: jon has lots of games

ARBITER: Yeah. And one too many from the game and movie hybrid era of the nineties. [shot of a stack of Sega CDs] Ugh... Though at least they're no 'Wand of Gamelon'. Ever heard of that?

GREG: no

ARBITER: Good.

CORTANA: To answer your question, Chief -- No. I'll do no such thing. Not until your attitude undergoes some radical changes, because it's an absolutely repugnant disgrace.

CHIEF: YEAH WELL SO IS UR FUCKING FACE / lololol / that wuz a thyme t00 / dubble whammy bitch

CORTANA: And you can start by refraining from raiding Jon's liquor cabinet. What's in there isn't yours to take.

CHIEF: cthulhu almighty r u fucking kidding me?!1one / foar ones, telled that 2 arbitur cuz he drinks way the fuck moar than i does evem if u dusnt count any semen

ARBITER [holding a "Heart of the Alien" case]: Doh-ho-ho-ho, I get it.

CHIEF: two, that qu33rhawk jon is bearly evar h33r 2 stocked the kitchin cuz hes t00 buzy getting fisted / wat the hell else am i suposed 2 drinked?/

CORTANA: Water?

CHIEF: to hell w/ that shit, waters for fucking pussies / game fuel w00d b tight but jons 2 stuped to gets any

CORTANA: Milk, then? There's still a considerable amount of the skim that's a few days from expiration.

CHIEF: THE HOMO MILK?!one!1 / LOL no thx, i think ill pass

CORTANA: You're not serious, are you? That's such a childish and pathetic association. And can we stop with the gay jokes? They're incredibly offensive.

CHIEF: so?

ARBITER [holding a Mass Effect 3 case]: Shit, I forgot Jon nabbed this. Gotta try this out. Wonder if it still has that new instruction manual smell.

[opens it; his hand comes off]

ARBITER: Oh God...

GREG: <:O <:(

CORTANA [still arguing with Chief]: Put the whiskey back. And the glass. I mean it, Chief.

CHIEF: yeah ill put the glass away, all over ur fucking face.

CORTANA: Chief, don't --! If you throw that, I swear to God --!

[Chief throws the glass; it loudly breaks into pieces]

Scene 8: Bathroom Edit

GREG: :( u ok?

ARBITER: Yeah. Just a little unsettled, that's all. You never think this kind of shit's gonna happen to you, you know? [beat] Then one day -- bang. Your life's turned upside down. You aren't even given the courtesy of being able to see it coming.

GREG: if we could see these things coming we might go crazy

ARBITER: [turns to him] You write fast. That's true. [turns back to mirror] Guess we just can't win.

CHIEF [from behind the door]: oh boy h33r we go agen

CORTANA [also behind the door]: Can't you see that your behavior is completely unacceptable?! Arbiter and Greg might have given up, but I refuse to back down and make allowances for your horrible demeanor because you're too inept to acknowledge it!

CHIEF: guessed wat, sw33theart? / i was w/ jon b4 n e of u cocksuckers were / i hated 2 broek it 2 u -- / acshuly i <3 2 does it lol -- / if u wants 2 lived h33r then ur gona has 2 gave me an allowances / u dusnt has a choices k? / k cortana? / k?

CORTANA: Just go. Leave. I don't want to argue with you anymore.

CHIEF: promise? / lololololol

[beat]

ARBITER: The pleasant atmosphere that followed you and Cortana coming back sure fucked off in a hurry. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have things the way they were before. Conflict or none, it's good to have company. I just wish we could all get along. Chief and Cortana have been after each other's blood ever since the second they locked eyes. [he turns to Greg] Well, you and I get along just fine, of course.

GREG: :)

[bathroom door opens]

ARBITER: Sigh.

GREG: >:(

ARBITER: Fuck.

CHIEF: HEY FAGGOTS / fuck me, what a cunt / lolwomen / what the hell r u gaiz doing in h33r n e ways / AAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAH holy shit did ur hand cum off?!1one / ROFLMAO thats fucking ossim

ARBITER: No it isn't.

CHIEF: yeh u must be so :( { sad face } that u cant finger jons asshole w/ both hands n e moar lmao

ARBITER: Shut up, Chief.

GREG: go away chief

CHIEF: U go away u ugly fuck / literily nobody on the fucking planet liekes u

ARBITER: Enough. You're seriously starting to piss me off.

CHIEF: dont b such a bitch, im just fucking w/ u / Y SO SRS? [raises hand for a fistbump] cum on, bro fist / o wait. / LOL. / no k srsly, bro fist / lets go / bro fist 4 us bros / bros 4 lyphe

[beat]

ARBITER: That's a relief. I was afraid it would be for a while.

[credits]

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