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← "Face-Off" "Showdown" "Glitch" →

Scene 1: Preparation Edit

[Chief is sitting on the sofa, controller in hand; Arbiter stands next to him]

ARBITER: It's almost one o'clock. You ready?

CHIEF: alm0st / i ned an0thr b33r

[Arbiter grabs a can of beer and places it beside Chief]

ARBITER: You've had quite a few already...

CHIEF: b33r maeks meh pleh liek profishnal

ARBITER: [without a subtitle: Well, ] At least you're not overdoing it. [shot of multiple empty beer cans on the sofa] I suppose that's the important thing...

CHIEF: ok let us do this shit

ARBITER: Wait a minute. [points to a can] I think that can says "non-alcoholic".

CHIEF: rly?/

[While Chief is distracted, Arbiter turns off his controller]

CHIEF: haaay / u lie liek a fly w/ a b0ger in its eye

ARBITER: My mistake. [puts a hand on Chief's shoulder] Good luck, Chief.

CHIEF: i dun nu33d luk / remimbr u sed i wuz ossim!1 / .......rite...?//

ARBITER: ...Right.

[Arbiter walks away, behind a cushion to the left of Chief; pan to Arbiter sitting with a controller]

Scene 2: Blackout Edit

[Craig appears on the map; Chief, unknowingly being controlled by Arbiter, joins]

CRAIG: Heh! So, Mister Chief. You ready to... lose?

CHIEF: thurs onleh 1 ppl who r lose 2dae / adn gess who it is / IS U / AFTR I BEETS U / @ TIHS GAEM / LOL!

CRAIG: Heh! Yeah we'll see about that.

[The battle begins]

CRAIG: Gotta get the Energy Sword first. I gotta hold all the power weapons. He better not have it already. I want it, I want it, I'm gonna get it! He better not get it, it's mine. I need it to win! I gotta have the Energy Sword, it better be there! Yes! I've got it! Yes! I got the Energy Sword! God, I'm so good!

["Chief" approaches the spot where Craig took the Energy Sword]

ARBITER: Wow. Who saw THAT coming.

CHIEF: WERE THE FUCK IS TEH ENGRY SWROD

[Craig approaches the Rocket Launcher]

CRAIG: Come on... Come on. Yes! Fuck yeah! I'm so awesome!

["Chief" approaches the spot where the Rocket Launcher was]

ARBITER: Douche took the rocket launcher too. What a fucking pussy.

CHIEF: O NOEZ / he r taek al mai favrit wep0n

[Craig finds a vantage point on the map and stays there, crouched, alternating between his two weapons]

CRAIG: Yes! Phew, I made it. Now I can just camp here. This game is mine!

[Craig bombards "Chief" with grenades]

ARBITER: I don't fucking believe this kid. Stop camping you little jack-off!

["Chief" is fragged. On Jon's sofa, Chief throws down his controller and stands up]

CHIEF: i needs 2 drikn MOAR B33R

[He starts to leave, but looks back at the television, noticing his in-game character is active; Chief looks down at his controller, then toward the cushion that Arbiter is hiding behind]

[In the game, "Chief" attempts to sneak up on Craig and opens fire with the assault rifle; Craig panics, but quickly frags him with the Rocket Launcher]

ARBITER: FUCK! This is ridiculous!

[Arbiter turns, notices Chief standing atop the cushion, looking at him; melodic music begins to play]

CHIEF: arbitur / u......... / lied 2 meh?/

ARBITER: Chief...

[Chief abruptly turns and runs away, arms flailing]

CHIEF: U THIKNS I SUK / :'( !! { crying face }

ARBITER: Chief wait.

CRAIG: [breathing heavily] Man. I'm so fucking good at this game! No one's as good as me! Ah yeah, it's all about map and weapon control, yeah. God, I have such a hard-on right now. Hm. [starts masturbating] Oh yeah. Oh, I'm so good at this game! Oh yeah, I'm such a winner! Oh, yeah!

Scene 3: Remotivated Edit

[Chief is back sitting on the couch with a controller; Arbiter rests a hand on his shoulder]

ARBITER: I'm sorry, Chief. I should have had faith in you.

CHIEF: so dos u rly thikns i cn baet craig??

ARBITER: I don't doubt it for a second. You can do anything you set your mind to!

CHIEF: :) { smiley face }

ARBITER: Break a leg, champ!

[Chief speaks into the headset]

CHIEF: U HEAR THAT FAGGOT / IM COMIGN FOR UR ASS

ARBITER: ...Please God...

[Back on Blackout]

CRAIG: [masturbating] Aw, yeah! I'm so awesome! It's no wonder I'm MLG! Oh yeah!

CRAIG'S MOM: Craig? What do you want for dinner, sweetie?

CRAIG: Ah! Mom, no! Wait, get out!

CRAIG'S MOM: Oh my God! Craig?! What are you doing?! Are you masturbating?!

CRAIG: No, no! Mom, I was just fixing my jeans!

CRAIG'S DAD: What the hell's going on in here?

CRAIG: Dad!

CRAIG'S DAD: The fuck is this? You jerkin' it, son?

CRAIG: No no no, I'm not--Get out of my room!

CRAIG'S MOM: Oh my God, my baby! My baby's masturbating!

[With Craig distracted by his parents and their reaction to his inappropriate behavior, Chief shoots erratically at a motionless Craig with an Assault Rifle, only managing to frag him when he's standing right next to him; he teabags Craig]

ARBITER: ...You... ...actually got a kill?!

CHIEF: BOOM HEDSHOT

ARBITER: ...Keep going!

[Chief riddles Craig with bullets, fragging him again. All the while, Craig is unable to retaliate as he is still dealing with his parents.]

CRAIG: No no, Mom, I wasn't masturbating. Really! My--my pants were just like, itchy! So I-I-I swear, I wasn't!

[Chief melees Craig]

CRAIG'S MOM: Oh my God, my baby! My baby's defiling himself!

[Chief frags Craig with a Rocket Launcher, then teabags him.]

CRAIG'S DAD: I don't see what the big deal is. Good for you, son.

CRAIG'S MOM: Don't contradict me in front of Craig, Robert! You always contradict me!

CRAIG'S DAD: Yeah, 'cause you're always being a fucking bitch!

CRAIG'S MOM: [gasps] How dare you?!

CRAIG: Mom! Dad! Get out of my room!

CHIEF: MLG?? / [aims the Sniper Rifle at Craig; beat] I DISAGREE!!1 / [shoots the explosives behind Craig, fragging him, then toggles crouching.] hhahhhah eat my poo craig

[shot of the headset; Craig is heard sobbing as he realizes that his argument with his parents just cost him his match with Chief, who he had thought was insignificant compared to him.]

CRAIG: I lost! I lost to a noob! I'm MLG! I can't lose! [sobs] No one's gonna think I'm cool anymore! [sobs]

ARBITER: No one gives a shit you blubbering suck-ass pussy. [Arbiter switches the Xbox off]

Scene 4: Valhalla Edit

[A blue Spartan spawns on the map; he approaches two players who are obscured by the camera]

NEW PLAYER: Um, excuse me? I-I heard you actually beat an MLG player. Is--Is that true? Think you can, uh, give me some pointers?

[Pan up to reveal the two players are Master Chief and Krystal, Craig's ex-girlfriend after learning of his defeat by Chief.]

CHIEF: SORRY FAGGOT / TIHS ROM 4 PROFISHNAL PLEYARS ONLEH

NEW PLAYER: Wait! No!

[He is shot by Chief's Sniper Rifle]

CHIEF: ROFLOL

[Krystal giggles; beat; Chief's Spartan turns to look at her.]

CHIEF: TITTIES OR GTFO

[Krystal gasps at Chief's perverted demand, then melees Chief in anger for his disrespect, who falls down the hill]

CHIEF: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

[credits]

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