| ← "Divided We Stand" | "Sold Out" | "Premium Club" → |
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Scene 1: Brainstorming[]
[shot of Arbiter and Chief sitting down, Arbiter with a flipbook and pen in his hand and Chief with a laptop while the title card fades]
- Arbiter: We've milked every square inch of this goddamn apartment. The desk. The bed. Closet. Bathroom. Kitchen. God knows we've milked the chair and television area dry.
CHIEF: [shaking up and down] not as drai as ur mom milked me last nite / lololololololololol
- Arbiter: And besides the setting, we need a solid central idea of course. Something with the potential to restore the show's viewership to its former glory. Something that'll really make people laugh.
CHIEF: we culd just showed a pictures of ur dick foar five minits rofl
- Arbiter: Very funny. How about we put a tack through that one for now? We might suffocate under the abundance of fan mail sure to follow. I'm just thinking of our safety here. [stands up and walks towards Chief] How are you doing over there, anyway?
CHIEF: UH PRETTY GOOD I GESS [stops and looks at Arbiter, then back at the laptop]
- Arbiter: You were just masturbating, weren't you?
CHIEF: WTF / no / ur crazy bitch
- Arbiter: Goddammit Chief, we're supposed to be brainstorming. You got the laptop because I figured you'd ultimately get better use from it with your somewhat superior creative energy.
CHIEF: i gots the laptop b cuz if i dusnt id be brain storming foar ur fucking eulogies
- Arbiter: We've got a couple of days before the next short is due for air. When I said that we should get the juices flowing, I was referring to the creative sort. I have no idea why you needed my mother last night when you're doing such an excellent job wanking yourself to death already.
CHIEF: [stands up] I HASNT JUST BEAN B33TING THIS HOLE FUCKING TIEM ASS BLASTER, I GOTS A FUCKING MILIENS OF SHOW IDEAS WRITED DOWN.
- Arbiter: Really? Any of them good?
CHIEF: ALL OF THEM R GUD, SHIT STAIN evry last goddamn oen of them is solid fucking gold / WAT ABOUT U HUH / lets c all the stuffs that u gots so far. [starts walking towards Arbiter's flipbook]
- Arbiter: Uh -- I wouldn't bother if I were you, none of my ideas are really fleshed out yet. [rushes after Chief and tries to pull back the flipbook]
CHIEF: [pulling back] SHUT UR BUTT AND LET ME C
- Arbiter: No!
CHIEF: YES [pulls it away from Arbiter] TOO BAD FUCKER / 2BAD4U LOLOLOLOLOL [looks at the flipbook to find Super S Stussy doodles] wow arbitur / :0 { surprised face } / this is sum incredibil wurks u haz h33r buddy / omg / omfg its so gud / its so gud arbitur / its so fucking gud
- Arbiter: Alright, you've gotten your kicks, give it back.
CHIEF: seriously what the fuck is this shit / >:| { serious face } / rofl u hasnt came up w/ a singel fucking ideas has u?
- Arbiter: At least I'm trying.
CHIEF: WITCH IS USELESS BECAUASE UR A FUCKING RETARD [throws the flipbook at Arbiter and knocks him down] DRAWING THESE LITEL BULLSHIT SHAEPES AND BITCHING AT ME FOR NOT FUCKING DOESING N E THING / does u knew wat that maed u? / a fucking hippopotacrite
- Arbiter: Shit. Somebody notify the zoo, quick. [sits down] Alright genius, let's hear your ideas. Lay them on me.
CHIEF: [checks the laptop] k well u mite not <3 { love } this first 1.
- Arbiter: Just spit it out.
CHIEF: u gots 2 go, buddy.
[beat]
- Arbiter: What the fuck? You can't be serious. If anybody were to go it would most definitely be you, but I realize that the two of us need to achieve some sort of balance.
CHIEF: ur boring as fuck dude / its no wondir not as many ppls watch our shows n e moar w/ u bitch slapping evrybody into a god dam coma w/ all of ur fucking werds / WERDS WERDS WERDS WERDS WERDS / thats u arbitur / thats wat u soundid liek.
- Arbiter: What other brilliant ideas do you have written down for "Arby and the Chief" episodes besides dropping me from the show?
CHIEF: way the fuck moar joaks, man / nun of this "sustenance" bullshit or w/e the fuck u called it
- Arbiter: "Substance".
CHIEF: yeh / that shit sux, bro. / IT ALL GOTS 2 B JOAKS / dick joaks, mom joaks, gay joaks, memes, reackshin faces, RANDUM referinses, all that gud shit / RANDUM HUMER IS BEST HUMER / XDDDDD o yea and we gots 2 used the word "le" at the beginnings of evry sentinses k?
- Arbiter: Next one.
CHIEF: WE GOTS 2 MAED THE SHOW MOAR OFFENSIVE / WE SHUD JUST TRIED 2 MADE IT AS SUPER FUCKING OFFENSIVE AS WE POSIBLY CAN / roflmao / that w00d b fucking sick dude
- Arbiter: Being offensive can't be the goal, Chief. We have to be careful.
CHIEF: thats fucking horseshit dont b such a goddamn pussy / its two thousinds and muther fucking twelve, we can says and does w/e the fuck we wanted nao. / nobody fucking caeres dude
- Arbiter: What other surprises does your stellar list have in store, I wonder.
CHIEF: DUBSTEP / LOTS OF IT / WUB WUB
- Arbiter: Wub wub?
CHIEF: WUB WUB MOTHER FUCKER
- Arbiter: Come on Chief, do you we have to warp the show to this degree in order to raise interest? Sure, the view figures have been slipping, but I don't think they're anything to panic about just yet. Speaking of -- you've got internet on that, right? Check how many hits we have on our video from last week, would you?
CHIEF: kk
- Arbiter: I appreciate the amount of effort you've obviously into your suggestions Chief, but I really don't think they represent the direction in which we ought to take the show. We have to stay true to it. We have to stay true to ourselves as characters and creators.
CHIEF: fifty views
- Arbiter: Fifty thousand? Christ, it's worse than I thought. Still, though -- I stand by my statement.
CHIEF: no dude just fifty.
[long beat]
Scene 2: Extreme Lulz Edition[]
[title card against a black background reading "ARBY 'n' the CHIEF EXTREME LULZ EDITION" shows up while dubstep plays, then abruptly cuts to Chief running across the hall]
CHIEF: LOLOLLOOOLOLOLLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOOLLOLOLLOLOLLOLLOLOOLOLLOOLOL [stops and turns]
- Arbiter [with a monotone voice]: Hello Chief. It's me the Arbiter the guy that isn't nearly as cool as you are. What are you up to on this fine day.
CHIEF [speaking very quickly]: O Y HELLO THAR ARBITUR I WAS JUST ON MAI WAYS TO FUCK A SHITLOAD OF BITCHES / THEN IMA WURK OUT FOAR TWELVE HRS CUZ IM SO FUCKING BUFF B 4 I FUCK UR MOTHER IN THE ASS FOAR A HUNDRED
- Arbiter: Boy Chief you are so much cooler than me how can I be as cool as you Chief could you please teach me to be as cool as you are please.
CHIEF: NO LOL WTF IS IT THAT U IS DOING N E WAYS
- Arbiter: You've just caught me sitting down to drink from these cups of delicious semen because of how ludicrously gay I am. Would you care to join me. I'd be more than happy to share some of this semen with you. Not too much though I did collect all of this semen myself after all hhahahhahahhahh. And what gentlemen they were. Tickled pink to donate their semen. Semen semen semen semen semen.
- CHIEF: HHAHAHAHAHAHHA ARBITUR U R SO GHEY Y R U SO FUCKING GHEY ARBITUR N E WAY NO THX ALL I DRINKED EITHER TASTES LIEK ALKAHOLS OR SALTY MILK AND COINS IF U GETS WAT I AM SAYING DOES U GOTS WAT I AM SAYING LLOLOLLOLOOLLOLOLOLOLOLLOOLLOLOOLL
[dubstep fades in]
- Arbiter: Suit yourself Chief it's your loss it just means that there will be more semen for me and the more semen that I have the more that happiness consumes me. [picking up glass full of semen] Semen makes me a happy fellow. [pours semen all over himself]
- CHIEF: LOLOLOLLOLOLL ROFLMAO
- Arbiter: Glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug. Yummy semen. Yum yum yum.
[credits]