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← "Hard End" "TOSERS" "Dough Eyes" →

TranscriptEdit

Scene 1:BreakpointEdit

Adam is seen just after respawing from Arbiter killing him in the previous episode. He walks out into the open.

  • Adam:"Eerrrgh! I fucking hate elites! I'm gonna annihilate that mother fucker!"

Another player runs up to him.

  • XBL player 1:"Wait! Don't shoot for a sec! Why is everyone quitting? Is this still gonna count towards us becoming mods?"
  • Adam:"Not for either of us,you little faggot!"

Adam frags the player with his grenade launcher.Adam turns and sees Duncan behind him.

  • Adam:"He fragged you too!? Jesus Christ you've gotta be kidding me!"
  • Duncan:"Yeah I know I used to be an MLG and all but just "Duncan" is fine."
  • Adam:"Well if you're so awesome why the fuck didn't you waste him !?"
  • Duncan:"He noob-combo'd me,okay? Caught me off gaurd I swear it won't happen again."

The two start walking.

  • Adam:"You're goddamn right it isn't. Not after I blow that cocksucker into bloody chunks."
  • Mrs. Mcintyre:"Adam, I've asked you to take the garbage out eight times already and it's still sitting there. Eight times,Adam.This is ridiculous pause your game and take it out."
  • Adam:"It's your house you take out the trash! I'm not your fucking slave!"
  • Mrs. Mcintyre:"Don't swear at me,Adam!"
  • Adam:"Fuck, pussy, asshole, dick, dickweed, cunt, goddamn, fucking shit!"
  • Duncan:"Ya know I used to forget to take condoms wherever I went. But now that I'm playing with you I've always got some."

Opening credits roll.

Scene 2Edit

Arbiter is seen joining Chief on the chair in Jon's apartment.

  • Chief:"O SO UR DOEN BEIGN EMO? u doen arbitur? r u doen nao?"
  • Arbiter:"Call it melodramatic if you want. I've just comprehended something that you fortunatly can't because the universe's densest element coincidently rests atop your sholuders."
  • Chief:"lolwut?"

Arbiter sits down.

  • Arbiter:"But you were right about one thing. No sense vegetating."
  • Chief:"i haet vegtables / CHOKLITS R WAY BETTAR / OM NOM NOM NOM"
  • Arbiter:"Also we're finally out of booze."
  • Chief:"u phucking drank all 0f it? ++++1 +shift / SO THERS SHIT ALL L3FT IN TEH HOUSE IS TAHT WAT UR TELLIGN MEH!?"
  • Arbiter:"Sorry."

Chief slaps Arbiter in the face.

  • Arbiter:"Ow!"
  • Chief:"if u wernt such a fuckign bitch i wouldn't has 2 slap u liek 0ne / we haz no ideh when jons cummign back w/ moar bewz asshoel / wut if he nevar coems back?"
  • Arbiter:"You wanna help me deal with the situation at hand? I overheard enough to be concerned. We've got to hold of these pricks."

In-game Arbiter,Chief,Cameron and Cody are seen in the tunnel from the previous episode.

  • Cameron:"You two are the last...whatever the hell your guys are who should be applying."
  • Arbiter:"And sure you two are convinced that you're prime candidates. Not that you aren't already the biggest pair of tossers I've ever met."
  • Cody:"And don't you forget it."
  • Arbiter:"[beat] I love americans."
  • Chief:"u 2 wunt  b shit copmaer t0 meh / imma be teh bigg3st TOSER evar w8 and c / LOL / bustin rhyms / mai rhyms r subliems"
  • Arbiter:"That wait ended a very long time ago,Chief. I'm not sure it ever started. But I think we can all agree we have a more pressing issue here. How about we set aside our beefs for the time being?"
  • Chief:"butt u loves b33f arbitur"
  • Cody:"You got a plan? Got some more hacks?"
  • Arbiter:"No we don't. But what we've gotta do right now is hawl ass. Square in the middle of a short strait tunnel that's open at either end is the worst fucking place we could possibly be.And grab plasma pistols if you find any."
  • Cameron:"Yeah no shit ,thanks."
  • Chief:"yes imma get 1337 combo / tiem 2 die bitchez"
  • Arbiter:"Be careful,Chief. Remember we're on the same box and if one of us goes down we're both fucked."
  • Chief:"NO U B CAERFUL"
  • Arbiter:"I'll make you a deal, I'll be careful if you be careful."
  • Chief:"kk"

Arbiter steps out of the tunnel and Kylie starts shooting him with a needle rifle in the distance.

  • Arbiter:"Aghhh! Damnit! Get back!"

Arbiter steps back inside. Kylie is seen aiming for the wall of the tunnel. Chief starts getting hit with needles.

  • Chief:":( [sad face]"

Chief backs up.

  • Arbiter:"She's shooting through the goddamn wall !"
  • Cody:"You've gotta be kidding me!"
  • Chief:"omg hax / omg bbq"
  • Arbiter:"We're gonna need some kind of miracle. Like quick..."

A scorpion tank spawns behind them.

  • Cameron:"...Any ideas?"

Kylie starts walking to the tunnel. Arbiter drives the tank out with Chief in the turret and Cameron and Cody crouching on one side.

  • Chief:"o hai"

Kylie tries to run but Arbiter blows her up.

  • Chief:"omg taht was a gurl! omfg / HELLO GIRL / can u h33rs meh?  imma add u 2 mai friends list k plox? :D [happy face] srsly im rly awes0me"
  • Arbiter:"Shut up already."

Arbiter starts driving.

  • Cody:"Shut up! You're really annoying."
  • Chief:"no u r"
  • Cody:"No, you are."
  • Chief:"no u r"
  • Arbiter:"[to Cody] Try living with the mother fucker."
  • Chief:"tahts meh / lol"

Arbiter and Chief are seen in the apartment.

  • Chief:"i wanna driev teh tanks"
  • Arbiter:"Quit putting an "S" on everything. There's only one fucking tank,Chief."
  • Chief:"let meh drive"
  • Arbiter:"No. You barely have motor skills nevermind driving skills. You'd plow us into every solid obsticle."
  • Chief:" i 0nly plow ur mothar"

Chief grabs Arbiters controller.

  • Chief:"stop beign an asshoel"
  • Arbiter:"Really?!"

They start fighting over the controller.

  • Arbiter:"You really wanna do this now!?"
  • Chief:"YES"
  • Arbiter:"Oh my god stop it! Seriously."
  • Chief:"no u"
  • Arbiter:"Let go!"
  • Chief:"no u l3t g0 / lololollololololollol"

In-game Duncan jetpacks onto a rooftop as the tank passes.

  • Cody:"Rockets! Nine o'clock high!"

Duncan fires a rocket.

  • Cody:"Reverse!"

Arbiter backs up and the rocket misses.Cameron snipes Duncan and the tank continues on.

  • Arbiter:"Good. Let's keep this up."
  • Chief:"tahts wat ur mom sed-"
  • Arbiter:"Not now,Chief!"
  • Chief:"lololol"

Adam walks out and stands in front of the tank.Arbiter stops.

  • Cameron:"Get him!"

Adam activates a bubble shield right as the tank fires. The shell impacts and has no effect.

Arbiter,Cameron and Cody get off the tank and run.

  • Arbiter:"Everyone out! Now!"

Chief gets out and follows them.

  • Chief:" uh o spaggetio"

Adam destroys the tank with a rocket ans slowly follows them.

  • Adam:"Better run,bitches! [laughs]"

Arbiter,Chief,Cameron and Cody run to a garage with a warthog in it.

  • Cody:"That's what I'm talkin' about!"
  • Chief:"i call tourette"

Cody gets on the turret.

  • Cody:"No way,pal."
  • Chief:"hay fucker / k im drieving this tiem then"

Arbiter gets in the drivers seat.

  • Arbiter:"Not a chance."
  • Chief:"fuckign asshoel / fien i call shotty"

Cameron gets in the pasenger seat.

  • Cameron:"Nope."
  • Chief:"goddammit i fucking haet u gaiz ! wagjilurwagutabagdgwagtugo!"
  • Arbiter:"[to Cameron] Let Chief on. You've got the sniper, you can pick them off."
  • Cameron:"Just fuckin' drive!"
  • Arbiter:"If Chief gets fragged then I'm going with him and this warthog stops. Then your partner is probably screwed and You'll be on your own."
  • Cameron:"I'll drive then!"

Another player approaches them.

  • XBL player 2:"Hey are guys getting any lag? Everybody's dropping."

Clyde comes up and assassinates the player with an energy sword.He switches to a magnum and fires at the jeep.Arbiter starts backing up as fast as he can.

  • Cameron:"Fuck it just go!"
  • Arbiter:"Goddamnit."
  • Chief:"o noes!"
  • Arbiter:"Find cover,Chief!"
  • Chief:":(((((((( [super sad face] wait 4 meh!"
  • Arbiter:"I forget your names but guy on the turret fire that fucking thing will you?"

Cody fires the turret. Chief runs after them.

  • Chief:"dun leev meh behind plex"

Arbiter comes to a dead end.

  • Adam:"If you move another inch or fire one more round off that turret we'll blow the shit out of you,you peckerheads!"

The hackers are seen surrounding them.

  • Cody:"Damnit! I can't believe this!"
  • Adam:"I don't think I have a stutter, assholes. Get out of the fucking car and line up now! You too green guy. Yeah I'm talking to you, retard."

They line up.

  • Arbiter:"If you're going to ban us or whatever you're doing just get it over with. No need to drag this out, hot-shot."
  • Adam:"I can drag this out as much as I fucking want to!"
  • Duncan:"I'm actually impressed that they lasted as long as they did.[to Arbiter] Smooth moves on your part man. Gotta give credit where credit's due."
  • Arbiter:"Thanks so much, man. Means a lot."
  • Chief:"wut abot meh? im smewth 2 / i g0t smewth mewves / im smewther than arbitur"
  • Adam:"Okay, what the fuck is with these voices?"

Clyde walks up and looks Arbiter face to face.

  • Clyde:"You're not funny."
  • Arbiter:"Not trying to be."
  • Cameron:"You guys are way out of line with this. Not to mention it's pretty pathetic. So butthurt that you can't win on your own merits that you have to resort to hacking."
  • Clyde:"This has nothing to do with winning matches. It's about preserving what little online freedoms we have left."
  • Cameron:"By perma-banning everybody? People that don't deserve it? Explain to me how that makes sense."
  • Chief:"[to Kylie] hay bb / isl / isl bb / does u has n e hawt pics? hao cum i can't c ur gaemer tag? i wanna ad u / can add meh plz? ;) [winky face]"
  • Clyde:"Many won't deserve what's coming but we've placed everything in the hands of the network admins. All they have to do is call off this TOSERS nonsense. Witch brings me neatly to another point, I believe that this is a skill test under that organization. Witch means the four of you are here with the intentions of becoming moderators and don't fall into the category of inoccents in any of our eyes. It also makes you unaccomplished cunts part of the fuckin' problem."

Clyde executes Cameron with his magnum.

  • Chief:"ROFLMAO"
  • Clyde:"The real world is already becoming a police-state as it is and you honestly want our gaming arenas to fall under the same restrictions?"
  • Arbiter:"I don't want that."
  • Clyde:"So why the fuck are you here?"
  • Arbiter:"I thought I could do some good. I don't like it, but obviously higher measures must be taken to stop twats like you from going around running amok like you are now. If it weren't for TOSERS what's to keep you from banning people until no one's left?"
  • Adam:"You don't think game police is crossing the line?"
  • Arbiter:"You crossed it first."
  • Clyde:"No they did. Our actions are in direct response to the formation of TOSERS. The world is rampant with censorship and bullshit, sacrifices need to be made to preserve what few havens we have to let loose.Someday you'll thank me."

Clyde prepares to execute Arbiter.

  • TOSERS moderator 1:"Stop! Lower your weapons and step away from the other players now!"

Several moderators are seen on a ridge with sniper rifles.

  • Adam:"You've gotta be fuckin' kidding me! Fuck TOSERS!"
  • TOSERS moderator 1:"You are outnumbered! You must now accompany us back to TOSERS headquarters! Maybe we can work something out?"
  • Clyde:"No. If the network refuses to comply then it's customers will continue to suffer for it's insolence. I hope the luck that's befallen you all today doesn't go unrewarded. Let's go we're out of here."

The hackers slowly back down a hallway.

  • Adam:"Yeah,fuckers! Just try and stop us!"
  • Duncan:"Pro tip, you can't. Later."

The lead moderator comes down to the group.

  • Arbiter:"Thanks for that."
  • TOSERS moderator 1:"No sweat. It's what we're all here for right? Doing justice!"
  • Chief:"U SED IT"

Scene 3: PowerhouseEdit

Chief and Arbiter are seen waiting outside the main building.Chief paces nervously.

  • Chief:"if we dunt get this im gonna B so pissed"
  • Arbiter:"It may actually be nescessary... TOSERS I mean.Though there must exist a less suggestive acronym."
  • Chief:"it'll be ossim / i can tells ppl 2 d0 watevar i want and if they dunt ill ban ther a$$es / lololol"
  • Arbiter:"You're no better than that clan. You're going into this with all the wrong reasons."
  • Chief:"w3ll wut about taht other gai w/e his naem is?"
  • Arbiter:"He probably is too. Those two will always be far from my good books for letting Claire jump blind into that wedding. [beat] They knew what was going on. And now they're here to instill good behavior... or at least one of them is."
  • Chief:"that was s0 funny wen they capp3d his a$$ / died liek bitch / and wtf does u caer abot claire since she l3ft ur sry depressed ass? lolollol"

Cody walks out of the building.

  • Cody:"Guess who just became a TOSER ,bitches."
  • Arbiter:"Almost certainly you."
  • Cody:"The guy said to send the next one in so...yeeaah. Good luck [laughs] you're gonna need it."

Cody walks away.

  • Chief:"asshole"

Arbiter walks inside and Chief goes and watches from the doorway.Arbiter walks up to Leonard.

  • Arbiter:"Hi."
  • Leonard:"Um, next."
  • Arbiter:"Oh,come on."
  • Chief:"HAHAHHAHA"
  • Arbiter:"Yeah ha ha, mother fucker. If I'm not getting in niether are you."
  • Chief:"o noes"
  • Arbiter:"Look, the voices aren't a prank or anything it's just how we talk."
  • Leonard:"Somehow I find that hard to believe."
  • Arbiter:"How am I responding to you so quickly then? I'm sure not typing all this shit out a million words per minute."
  • Leonard:"No huh? If you're gonna fuck around here you'll be out on your asses pretty quick."
  • Arbiter:"In that case it's a good thing I'm not here to do that."
  • Chief:"teh ch33f doesn't fuck around bb"
  • Leonard:"I don't remember asking you a fuckin' thing."
  • Chief:":("
  • Leonard:"You did pretty good holding your own against thos hackers."
  • Arbiter:"You should give us a shot. And Chief over there holds his own all the time. With a very firm grasp I might add."
  • Chief:"adn i doesn't let g0 until its ovar"
  • Leonard:"Why did you wanna do this?"
  • Arbiter:"Aside from the obvious intention of having our account ban lifted I wanted to help keep the network an enjoyable place if I can. I believe I can make a decent contribution."
  • Leonard:"...Welcome aboard. Don't let me down."
  • Chief:"YES / :D [happy face]"
  • Leonard:"I dunno what you're happy about. I still wasn't talkin' to you."
  • Chief:":/ [forty five degree angle mouth face] / is it canz be mai turn nao?"
  • Leonard:"Yes."
  • Chief:"kk"
  • Leonard:"So why should I make you a moderator?"
  • Chief:"b3cause i fuckign rock"
  • Leonard:"... Yeah, I'm gonna need something more convincing you're not really selling yourself."
  • Chief:"thats 2 bad cuz mai skills r teh l33test taht monni3z can bie / just maek meh a m0d k? just do it dunt think abot it / plex? plz plox? kthx / loloollololol / :D"
  • Leonard:"Uhh, I don't think so. You're out. Please leave."
  • Chief:"wtf / y / y tho? can u l33st tells meh y? y plz?"
  • Leonard:"Because you don't really sound all there. I'm bein' honest.You automaticly to the shorthand."
  • Arbiter:"If I may interject.He and I play on the same console. We come as sort of a package deal. And sure if you look past the complete lack of grammar and bedside manner you'll find he's at least skilled enough for the position."
  • Chief:"wut r u talkign abot? im @ ur moms bedsied all teh tiem / and she loves mai manners / lmao"
  • Arbiter:"I can keep him in line. We'd be an asset."
  • Leonard:"So you can assure me that your friend here can uphold the online terms of use and do so in a fair and just manner?"

Arbiter looks at Chief, thinking.

  • Chief:"say yes / Y E S its n0t hard mothar fucker / yes plzkthxbye"
  • Leonard:"Well...?"
  • Arbiter:"Yeah."

Chief starts jumping around with joy.

  • Chief:"YES / yaaay :D"

Scene 4: HighlandsEdit

Arbiter and Chief are seen following a moderator through a dark cave. Eventually they come to a main platfrom near the waterfalls.

  • TOSERS moderator 2:"Gentlemen, you are now officially TOSERS!"
  • Chief:"HUUUURRAAAY"
  • Arbiter:"I'm so proud."

The two walk up and get view of the map.

  • TOSERS moderator 2:"Welcome to the enforcement's main server. As moderators this will serve as your hub of operations."

Arbiter watches two Falcons fly overhead.

  • Arbiter:"...Wow. It's Highlands. Amazing. I've seen it all now"
  • Chief:"omg dued this is s0 ossim / omg / omgomgomg"
  • Arbiter:"Who knows. This might actually be kinda fun."

They're seen in the apartment.Chief raises his hand for a high-five.

  • Chief:"coem 0n dude ^[up] high / slap meh sum plastik"
  • Arbiter:"No."
  • Chief:"cum on man / pelx / plz plox?"
  • Arbiter:"Sigh."

Arbiter lifts his hand and Chief patheticly slaps it.

  • Arbiter:"Worst fucking high-five ever."

Credits roll. The end.

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