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← "Descent" "Take A Seat" "What Lies Beneath" →

Scene 1: Bathroom Edit

[episode continues from "Descent"; Master Chief comes into the shot of the camera]

CHIEF: HOLY BALLS!

[Chief falls off the toilet]

CHIEF: UR FUCKING DIED

CORTANA: You would know. You know who else should be burned alive? Whoever taught you to speak. I'm flattered that you remembered, by the way.

CHIEF: UR NOT CORTANA / I WATCHED U MELTED / i flushed u away

CORTANA: And what a send off that was. Plunked with the city's turds. The flattery would've killed me if you hadn't already. I used to tell myself jokingly that you were worse than Hitler. Considering your methods, I'd say you're on the way there.

CHIEF: wtf r u

CORTANA: I could be one of a number of things. Maybe I'm a vengeful spirit, having returned to haunt your despicable ass until your dying day. Fortunately for you, that likely isn't far off.

ARBITER: Nearly done wanking yourself? I need some pain killers. My head's in max pain. D'oh-ho-ho.

CORTANA: I could've used one or two of those while my body was melting.

CHIEF: AAAAAHH / STFU / UR NOT THEY'RE / I CANT HERD U / GHOSTS DONT REAL AND THEY NEVAR WILL / LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA

[Chief runs out of the bathroom]

ARBITER: What are you gibbering about?

CHIEF: ARBITUR / UP ON THE COUNTERS / CAN U SAW N E THING? / U CAN SAW SUMTHING, RITE?

ARBITER: I suppose I could saw the counter, but I'm compelled to question the necessity. How much do you want off of it?

CHIEF: THIS ISNT A FUCKING JOAK ASSHOLE

ARBITER: I'm sorry, but I'm not sure what it is I'm supposed to be looking at.

[Chief looks back and sees Cortana; Arbiter doesn't see her]

CORTANA: Looks like it's just you and I, my friend.

CHIEF: OMG / OMGWTFBBQ / NO / THIS CANNOT HAPPENED / AAAHH / D':

ARBITER: What's your problem? Did that formidable dick of yours touch the water?

Scene 2: HallwayEdit

[Arbiter walks over to Master Chief]

ARBITER: Chief? You alright? Are you hallucinating or something? You haven't gone under the sink for more adventures in substance abuse, have you?

CHIEF: im scared. / srsly / liek, srsly ackshully.

ARBITER: You're scared? Since when? Come on -- Master Chief's a pretty cool guy and he doesn't afraid of anything, remember? Remember, Chief? Look at me. There's absolutely nothing to be scared of. It's just you and me in here. Nobody else.

CORTANA: You'd better man up, you loathsome sack of shit, because I'm not leaving anytime soon. We're going to have a lot of fun together.

Scene 3: Kitchen and living room Edit

[shot of Jon's bedroom with the Guy Fawkes Mask, then a Halo 3 poster, and a Spider-Man action figurine; his bed with a couple of pillows and a Spider-Man blanket are also shown]

[shot of Arbiter sleeping in Jon's bed]

[shot of Microwave timer showing digits "1337"]

[shot of Master Chief's hand moving the microwave door]

[shot of Master Chief's head getting bashed in by the door]

[shot of Cortana in front of beer cans]

CORTANA: Arbiter might think you've gone insane if you awaken him and he then overhears you speaking into thin air.

CHIEF: after all those alcohols he just knocked back? / no fucking way / that ightweight bitch is out cold.

CORTANA: Oddly enough, this is such a terrible idea that, if I could, I'd be doing the same thing right now.

CHIEF: SHUT UR MOUTH U RANCID SKANK / ull leaked semens all over the place, and i sure as hell isnt gonna cleaned it up. / if i could, itd be ur head id be smashing the shit out
of rite nao

CORTANA: Why don't you just take a seat so we can talk? Take a seat, right over there. You won't be getting rid of me again this easily.

CHIEF: o yeah? / fucking watch me

[Master Chief waits a brief moment, then smashes his head in with the door. The hard impact hurts his head]

CHIEF: OW / :(

[Master Chief looks around and sees Cortana nowhere to be found]

CHIEF: o thank gawd / just relacks, ch33f / relacks all c00l / go sh00t sum b balls
outside of the sch00ls / shes gone / :)

[Cortana reappears at the left side of Master Chief]

CORTANA: No such luck, I'm afraid.

CHIEF: AAAHH / GODDAMMIT / :((((((((((((((( / GET OUT OF MY HEAD / GET OUT OF MY
FUCKING HEAD PLS

CORTANA: Listen to me. I earlier suggested the possibility that I was a vengeful spirit, but
I did so as a joke. I'm not sure what I am, but I'm more fond of the idea that I'm a
manifestation of your guilt -- perhaps triggered in part by your substance abuse or
deterioration -- and I'm here to help you.

CHIEF: SHOVE IT UP UR A$$ / I DOESNT N33D3D UR HALP, IM JUST FINE AND FUCKING DANDY /
ALL I N33D3D IS 4 U 2 T00K A FUCKING HIKE / K? / K.

CORTANA: You do need my help, and you're going to get it whether you like it or not. Until
I see a change in you significant enough for me to forgive you for what you've done to me,
I'm here to stay.

CHIEF: I DIDNT MEANT 2 KILLED U / IT WAS A FUCKING ACKSIDENTS / I SWORE 2 U, K? /
I PULLED THE OVENS POWERS B 4 I PUT U INSIDE, AND ARBITUR PLUGGED IT BACK IN WITHOUT
TELLING ME BECAUSE HES FUCKING RETARTED / HOW COME U DOESNT PULLED THIS BULLSHIT CASPER ROUTINE ON HIM INSTEAD? / I WAS ONLY TRYING TO SCARED U IN 2 TAKING BACK ALL THOSE M33N THINGS U SAID ABOUT ME / U REMEMBERED THOSE?

CORTANA: Oh, I remember. Do you remember why I said those things? Because you tarnished that pleasant game between myself, Arbiter and Greg during your drunken stupor and insulted us all. You called me a [bleep] to my face, twice in a row. Believe it or not, it stings to be called that.

[beat]

CHIEF: im sry, cortana. / JUST PLS KNEW THAT THE ONLY REASON I CALLED U A [bleep] WAS B CAUSE U R A FUCKING [bleep], AND I CALLED YOU A [bleep] TWICE B CAUSE UR THE BIGGEST [bleep] OUT OF ALL THE [bleep]S I KNEW / LOL

[beats]

CORTANA: How has Arbiter been doing?

[beat]

CHIEF: i dunno / he hasnt b33n as much of a pain in the a$$ lately, if u can believed
that / since we made a few friends online, hes b33n k i guess

CORTANA: I imagine he didn't take the news of you incinerating me very lightly.

[beats]

CHIEF: yeah, he t00k it pretty hard i guess / like mother, like son, LOL /
butt, u know, he somehow found the strengths 2 moved on or some gay shit like that or
something, i guess

CORTANA: He doesn't even know, does he?

[beats]

CHIEF: knot eggsacktly.

CORTANA: God almighty, Chief. You're unbelievable. How did you explain my absence to him,
then?

CHIEF: talked greg in 2 covering 4 me / we told arbitur that greg halped u mailed
urself 2 a childrens charity

[beat]

CORTANA: You what? Arbiter's been under the impression that I left willingly without saying
goodbye this entire time? Chief, that's sick. I'm appalled, really and truly. He needs
to know the truth.

CHIEF: lol woman logic / think that 1 thru, cortana / hes gonna b fucking pissed and
probably tried 2 kicked my ass if i told him, and i doesnt wanted 2 s33n him gots hurt / hes
gonna ended up either dead or alone / hes :D nao / kind of / u rly wanted me 2 put a stopped
to that?

[beat]

CORTANA: Where's Greg, anyway? I've yet to see him turn up.

CHIEF: he fucked off

CORTANA: Oh, no. Why?

CHIEF: didn't said

[beat]

CORTANA: Probably because he couldn't handle withholding the facts from Arbiter, which he
wouldn't have had to do if you weren't such a coward.

CHIEF: ive figgered it out, cortana / i knew what i n33ded 2 do.

CORTANA: You don't say.

CHIEF: YEP / I JUST GOTS 2 IGNORED U, THATS ALL / PROBLEMS SOLVED

CORTANA: Brilliant.

[Master Chief jumps off the kitchen counter and walks to the couch]

CHIEF: SPANK U VERY MUCH 4 SHOWING ME THE LIGHTS / IMA PLAYED SUM HALOS NAO

[Cortana appears in front of him]

CORTANA: The sooner you go about the correct way of making me leave, the sooner it'll happen.

CHIEF: the s00ner u chose 2 gtfo of my face, the less ill f33l motivated to falcan punched ur ovaries / bai bai

CORTANA: You can't touch me.

[Master Chief climbs onto the couch]

[Cortana appears on the desk with The Lion King inserted in the Sega Genesis behind her]

CORTANA: This was my frequented spot while I was numbered among the living. Remember?

CHIEF: :O / SW33t / colins online / nevar s33n him online this late b 4

[Cortana appears on the couch beside Chief.]

CORTANA: Who's Colin?

CHIEF: fucking hell, u gots 2 stopped that / hes a friend of mine, k? mind ur own goddamn b33s wax

CORTANA: Forgive my skepticism of your ability to befriend an individual worthy of any consideration.

CHIEF: u can shoved that up ur ass 2 / colins the single c00lest friends ive evar made friends w/ / ull c / ud better fucking braced urself

Scene 4: Battle Canyon Edit

[shot of a Forerunner tower with a beam coming out of it; then of red base with Chief jumping up and down]

CHIEF: COLIN? / U IN H33R? / i thot me and u mite have beat off on 2 the wrong f33t earlier / didnt meant 2 pissed u off / figgered we could started again / where u @, bromeister?

[Colin is talking to someone]

COLIN: I just think the world of you and I feel we have a connection that's very special, don't you think so? Yeah, we should talk more. A lot more.

[cut to Jon's living room with Chief and Cortana in the shot]

CHIEF: AW YEAH / thats my motherfucker rite their, putting the moves on a hawt piece of a$$

CORTANA: Ugh.

CHIEF: not only a gosu sniper, but a goddamn P I M P / how does he does it?

[back to game]

CHIEF: COLIN / HAY / OVER H33R, DUDE / told me ur secrets, plux

COLIN: I realize we haven't known each other for very long but I'm VERY eager to learn
more about you.

CHIEF: Y THE FUCK CANT U HERD ME / TOLD ME Y, PLS / NAO

[cut back to Jon's apartment; Master Chief realizes his mic isn't turned on]

CHIEF: fucking hell / derp / no wonders

[Master Chief reaches for the mic and turns it on.]

CHIEF: ACTIVATE

[back to game]

COLIN: So how old are you peter? If you don't mind my asking.

PETER: I'm nine in a couple of months.

[cut back to Jon's apartment; long beat]

CHIEF: LOL WUT

CORTANA: Oh, my good lord...

[back to game]

COLIN: Are you familiar with IRC?

PETER: I don't think so.

COLIN: Internet Relay Chat. It's a text based communications protocol with a large network of servers accessible through a number of free downloadable clients. I operate my own secure server. Just give me your email address and I'll send you everything you need to know in order to join it, okay? We'll have a whale of a time.

Scene 5: Bedroom Edit

[Chief walks into Jon's bedroom]

CORTANA: Out of that game's entire base of players, leave it to you to befriend the child-hungry sex predator. What is it with you, for fuck's sake? This has been a freak show so far. One appalling reveal after another.

CHIEF: ur a ghosts

[beat]

CORTANA: What?

CHIEF: u has 2 b a ghosts / u cant b a figment newton of my imaginations / look -- as much as i hated 2 admit it -- ur sort of smarter than i am / k? / so how can u knew shit that i doesnt, and thot about stuff on ur own, and get all pissy @ me if ur in my brains? / i doesnt get it / u could only knew whatever things i knew or sumthing, rite?

[beat]

Cortana Take A Seat

CORTANA: Maybe, somewhere deep within your mind, you're a lot smarter and have a much clearer understanding of right from wrong than you think.

[Master Chief looks at Cortana briefly, then he goes to wake Arbiter up]

CHIEF: RISE AND SHINE GET, MOTHERFUCKER

ARBITER: Ugh.

CHIEF: we has a very important mattress 2 discussed

ARBITER: I'll tell you what -- why don't we sleep on it?

CORTANA: Glad to see Arbiter hasn't lost his since of humor.

ARBITER: Alright, I'm up. What is it?

CHIEF: alright, ima told u, k arbiter? / k? / k h33r it is / h33r it is, u lissening? / u lissening, arbitur? / cause ima told u what it is

ARBITER: Fucking hell. Spit it.

[as the camera zooms into Chief's face, there is a long beat of silence]

CHIEF: i think colins a pedestrian

[credits]

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