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Scene 1: Jon's BedroomEdit
It is noon at Jon's Apartment, Cortana and Greg are now seen on top of Jon's Table.
CORTANA: So tell me -- I apologize that I haven't been able to work this out for myself yet -- are you a real spider, or a toy like the rest of us?
GREG: Real. Can shot web. Spider-Man ain't got poop on me :D
CORTANA: I would hope not. Fascinating.
Greg holds up a picture of Spider-Man saying "greg pls teach meh" and the spider emblem on his chest saying "k."
CORTANA: How on earth did you manage to learn how to read and write?
GREG: Dunno, watched ppl? Could ask u the same. :)
CORTANA: Fair point. And so you just stumbled across Arbiter and our loveable Chief one day? Where do you sleep, typically?
GREG: Jon's underwear, jacket, armpits
CORTANA: Forgive my saying so Greg, but that's a horrifying image to me.
GREG: lol jk, His mouth usually, Nice and warm ^_^
CORTANA: Hahaha! You're too funny.
A door is heard being opened. Cortana turns to see where it's coming from.
CORTANA: With any luck, that'll be the Arbiter coming out from the bathroom. You're gonna be backing me up on this, right?
GREG: of course
Arbiter is seen emerging from Jon's Bathroom. He turns to see Cortana and Greg.
CORTANA: Hello, Arbiter.
GREG: O hai :)
ARBITER: Man, the two of you ought to have heard Chief in there. He's in rare form. Fell for a girl he bumped into online and got shot down like, almost immediately.
CORTANA: You're kidding. What an unexpected turn of events.
ARBITER: He's pretty choked about it. I was having a drink with him. He was showing a side I don't think I've ever seen before. I haven't seen him this smashed in years. Could be the first step in an improvement in his attitude, which would be fantastic -- but I can't help but be a tad concerned about him at the same time.
CORTANA: If you'll pardon my saying so -- in regard to yourself Arbiter, neither can we.
ARBITER: Huh? Concerned about me? Why? I'm fine.
CORTANA: To be fair, you haven't exactly been Mister Cold Turkey yourself.
ARBITER: "To be fair?" To who -- Chief? Yeah, I can totally see why you'd want to ensure that, being the president of his fan club and all.
CORTANA: Get defensive, it's helpful. Besides, that's irrelevant -- all I'm trying to say is that we're worried about you. Greg and I.
CORTANA: We acknowledge how much of a shock you must have experienced when your hand came loose and we know that since then you've been hitting the liquor harder than usual. We hate to see you so miserable. What are the chances of you knocking the juice for a bit? Alternatively, Greg and I are here to give you support whenever you need it.
ARBITER: Look, guys -- I'm fine. I overindulge, yes -- but I'm fine. My mood's been going up and down like a kangroo with his balls roasting over a spit for a while -- starting long before my body parts started dropping off one by one -- but nothing has been severe enough that I couldn't pull through. That streak remains unbroken. So if you'd really like to do me a favor then let's say no more on the subject, yeah?
GREG: We should play a game or something :D
Arbiter turns and looks at Greg's suggestion.
Scene 2: Jon's Living RoomEdit
Arbiter, Cortana, and Greg are all now seen playing Scrabble infront of the closet. Cortana is standing next to Arbiter.
ARBITER: My letters are utter shit. Didn't even think there were this many "Q"s, "X"s and "Z"s in the bag. Maybe I'd stand a chance if I was in outer space playing against my alien abductors. You know -- with their dictionary. 'Cause, naturally, their entire language would just be a comical, communicatively inferior twist on English.
Cortana: Right, yeah. Funny.
Greg: QQ about it lol ;) jkjk
Cortana: You know, I don't have to play -- I can just watch you two. I don't want to be a nuisance and make you play for two people.
ARBITER: Don't be silly Cortana, I'm happy to do it. The more, the merrier. besides, these walls aren't exactly brimming with intelligent competition. I hate the idea of -- were it not for Greg -- what I'd be forced to turn to for the next best challenge.
Cortana: I'd imagine playing with Chief would be a nightmare.
ARBITER: Actually, I was referring to the tupperware. Looking back on my last game with Chief still makes me want to punch something in the face. His, preferably.
Cortana: Thanks. This is fun. I've figured out what I'd like to put down, would you mind placing my letters for me?
As Arbiter is putting down Cortana's choice in letters, Master Chief is seen stumbling out from the hallway. On his head is the shot glass. Chief is still drunk.
Master Chief: WATS GOING DOWN BITCHEZZZ / ILL TOLD U WATS GOING DOWN
Master Chief bumps into the wall, breaking the shot glass off his head.
Master Chief: U R!!1one
ARBITER: Christ, here we go...
Master Chief: ALL OF U BITCHEZ GET DOWN ON UR FUCKING NEES AND BOW B4 UR PIMP / THA MUTHA FUKKIN CHIEF IS IN THA HOUSE BABY / IN FAX DOES U GAIZ NO WAT? / HES ALWAYES BEEN IN THE MOTHER FUCKING HOUSE UNLIKE U FUCKING LITTEL BITCHES
Greg: ¬ _¬
Master Chief: UR TRESPASING ON MY FUCKING PROPER TEES BITCHES / GTF OFF MAI PROPER TEES OR IMA CALL TEH POE LEASE
ARBITER: We're having a grand evening Chief, nice of you to ask. How's yours?
Master Chief: SCRABBEL AGEN, HUH? / U GUISE R WAY 2 FUCKING HIP FOAR ME / 2 HIP 2 QUIT / U GAIZ KNEW THAT SCRABBEL IS FOR FUCKING QU33RS RITE? / JUST MAEKING SURE / WE GOTS ELECTRISITIES NAO BITCHES, WE GOTS HALOS / UR PUSSY BORED GABES ISNT COOL N E MOAR
Cortana: Chief, shut up and bugger off. We're trying to enjoy ourselves.
Master Chief: WHAT THE FUCK DID U JUST SED 2 ME?
Chief stomps through everyone's game of Scrabble, scattering the letters apart and ruining the game.
Master Chief: HUH?? FUCKING CUNT. / UR A FUCKING STUPID CUNT / U NOES THAT?
ARBITER: Alright, that's enough --
Cortana: Takes one to know one.
Master Chief: U DUSNT HAS A FUCKING CLUE
Master Chief: U THINK U KNEW ME BUT U DUSNT / STUPID FUCKING WHOERE
ARBITER:Chief, stop it.
Arbiter gets up and stands in front of Chief. Arbiter then places his hand on Chief's shoulder.
ARBITER: I know you're hurting right now. And I know you've had a few. but don't forget our talk. Okay? We had a good talk. Just go and lie down and you'll feel better in the morning, I promise you. Deal? And I'll play some Halo with you or something. Or just stick my thumb in my ass while you play alone so you don't have to share the screen, as per usual -- whatever you want.
Chief backs up and looks down at Greg.
Master Chief: DOES U HAS N E IDEAS HAO FUCKING UGLY U R? / ROFL SRSLY ITS RIDIKEWLISS
Greg:>at least im not stupid
Master Chief: IM NOT STUPED / U R
ARBITER: Chief, you have to stop this! I mean it.
Master ChiefHOLY SHIT U M33N3D IT? / U RLY M33N3D IT?1!ELEVENcapslock!!1one / OMG ARBITUR IM SO FUCKING SCAERED / U GONA KICKED MAI ASS ARBITUR? / I FUCKING DAER U / FUCKING/ ILL FUCKING RECK UR SHIT
Cortana: Tell me Chief, why do you think it is that you were rejected by that girl you encountered online? Why do you think you're rejected by anybody and everybody you encounter online, for that matter? Hm? Do you think it just might possibly have something to do with this volatile attitude of yours?
Master Chief: DOES U KNEW WAT CORTANA?? / MEBBEH ID HAS A MUCH HIGHER ALTITUDES IF U WERENT CONSTINTLY BUSTING MY BALLS
ARBITER: Personally, as we're on the seventh floor of this building, I've always felt that you've successfully maintained a fairly high altitude.
Master Chief: BRO FIST / WAY TO BACK A BROTHA UP
Cortana: Don't kid yourself Chief, the root of your issues lies far beyond my presence. you've been antagonizing everybody around you long before I entered the picture.
Master Chief: WELL U SURE AS HELL HASNT B33N N E FUCKING HELP SKANK / THATS FOAR GODDAMN SURE
Cortana: That's just it, Chief. All I've been trying to do is help you. I realize that notion probably comes as a complete surprise to you, but it's true. You just can't accept it because you refuse outright to listen to reason.
Master Chief: FUCK U AND UR RAISINS I FUCKING H8 RAISINS RAISINS FUCKING SUCK
Cortana: Whether we're still talking about "reasons" or about food now, you've just made a complete idiot of yourself. Congratulations. Perhaps, rather than refusing to listen, you simply can't. That your under-developed brain won't allow you to.
Master Chief: MAI BRAINS R THE SHIT
Cortana: I couldn't agree more. Utter shit. Even you know the truth. You know full well that any of us three could destroy you in any conceivable argument on any subject, and it kills you that you can't ever conjure up a rebuttal that's even remotely substantial.
Greg:tally up pts. I guess :(
Cortana: The only route you've found to take is to get angry and spit pathetic insults left and right that, ironically, only ever accomplish making you yourself look like a complete fool. You are a fool, Chief. Worse yet -- you're an unlikeable and therefore unsympathetic fool. You're a blight. An utter embarrassment to yourself and everybody around you, twenty-four-seven. Accept it -- and for God's sake, try to improve upon yourself. However... On the off-chance that you honestly believe that I'm full of it, I invite you to prove me wrong.
Master Chief: U WANT ME 2 PROVED U WRONG?? / U WANA H33R WAT I GOTS 2 SAE?? / FINE BITCH, H33RS WAT I GOTS 2 SAE / H33RS WAT I GOTS 2 SED 2 U / 2 /ALL OF U MOTHER FUCKERS AS A MATTRESS OF FAX / FASSIN UR FUCKING SEATS BELTS CUZ WAT IM ABOUT 2 SED IS GONA ROCKED UR FUCKING WORLDS
Right as Chief is about to say something, he falls back onto the floor as Arbiter, Cortana, and Greg, look down upon him.
Master Chief: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Master Chief: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
ARBITER: Good game, guys.
Scene 3: Jon's Bedroom, NightEdit
Arbiter is seen dragging Chief into Jon's Bed, while Chief is asleep.
- Master Chief: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ / ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Arbiter nows has Chief laid with his head on the pillow and covers him up with a blanket.
- Master Chief: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ / ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ / ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ / ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Arbiter shakes his head in frustration at Chief's loud snoring and walks away. Sometime passes and Arbiter is sitting on the windowsill, next to Cortana whom is standing next to him.
- Arbiter: Warning, cliche approaching. Brace yourself.
- Cortana: Hm?
- Arbiter: Do you believe in fate? Destiny? Whatever you want to call it.
- Cortana: I'm not sure. I think, for the most part, that I fall into the camp of "things just happen" - but my mind is open to other suggestions as to why we're here.
- Arbiter: So you think that our existence is merely the result of some random cosmic equation?
- Cortana: I suppose
- Arbiter: Then, presumably, you've accepted the possibility that we exist without purpose.
- Cortana: I don't know if I'd go as far as to say that I've accepted it, but it strikes me as the possibility that is most likely.
- Arbiter: How do you deal with that knowledge? And I ask with a particular curiosity towards how you did so during the years you spent alone at Jon's old place after you were lost in the move. That must have been horrific. I know that I wouldn't have been able to deal
- Cortana: The knowledge frequently got on top of me, but I suppose I had enough strength of mind to set it aside most of the time. Which is far easier for me now that I have you and Greg to chit-chat with.
- Arbiter: I envy you. I wish I had your strength.
- Master Chief: o yea
Arbiter and Cortana turn to see Chief talking and turning in his sleep.
- Master Chief: o yea baybay. thats fucking ossim / ossim possim. / somebody call this possim an amber lamps / i thinked its overdosed on 2 many ossims
- Cortana: What's he dreaming about?
- Arbiter: My mother, in all likelihood.
- Master Chief: goddamn u r ficking tight today
- Arbiter: Yeah.
Arbiter and Cortana turn back to look outside the window again.
- Arbiter: I'm even envious of Chief, God help me. Lucky fuck. The only thing that gets on top of him is my fictitious mother, apparently.
- Cortana: I already know that you're as strong as I am, even if you don't realize it. Like I said before, I honestly believe that I was the one who lucked out, relatively speaking. You're the one who had to spend years alone with nobody but Chief for company. A fate worse than death, as far as I'm concerned. I'm confident that I'd have cracked within a fraction of that time frame, were I in your position. Here we are years since we were divided, still of sound mind. You kept it together. Don't underestimate yourself.
- Arbiter: Thanks, Cortana. I'm really happy that you're here.
- Cortana: Likewise.
- Master Chief: five in the g00ps and five in the p00ps :) / LOVE HAS NO LIMITS
Scene 4: Jon's KitchenEdit
The next day has come. Master Chief is still in bed, but then wakes up holding his head in pain, hungover. Chief then walks into the Kitchen where Arbiter and Cortana are in.
- Cortana: Good morning, Chief.
- Master Chief: fuck yourself
Arbiter is seen pouring out some cereal.
- Arbiter: Chief? You okay?
- Master Chief: no. [sees Greg by the doorway] the fuck r u l00king @?
Everyone watches as Chief heads into the Bathroom and slams the door behind himself.
- Cortana: What a child.
- Arbiter: Sigh. Really hoping this leads to a point where Chief's behaviour is significantly less retarded. If only for his own sake.
- Cortana: Must you use terms like that, Arbiter?
- Arbiter: Huh? [approaches Cortana]
- Cortana: Come on, you've proven that you have a wide vocabulary. Surely you can dig around for alternatives that express your feelings more tastefully.
- Arbiter: Seriously? Chill out. I don't see anybody around here likely to take offense. I don't see any cameras on me either, do you? It's just us in here.
- Cortana: Yes. And I find it offensive.
- Arbiter: Why? You must know that my intention isn't to be derogatory.
- Cortana: Of course your intention is to be derogatory. You're associating something that you don't like and look down upon with mental retardation. You're almost as bad as Chief sometimes.
- Arbiter: That's a mighty big leap, Cortana. I think you really ought to lighten up.
- Cortana: I think you need to shake off some of that low-brow attitude that has obviously rubbed off on you from Chief throughout the past few years.
Greg enters the Kitchen and sees Arbiter and Cortana arguing.
- Arbiter: Fundamentally, I don't associate the word "retard" with the mentally handicapped. I use it and others like it because they're popular slang that pack a slight punch and inject a tiny bit of amusement into my empty existence.
- Cortana: Really? You're that unimaginative that you consider speaking crudely as the only method of enriching your life?
- Arbiter: What the fuck is your problem?
Cortana stares in disbelief at Arbiter for this response. Arbiter then turns and returns back to his cereal.
- Arbiter: Great work making an otherwise fine day awkward, Cortana. Having a nice time is so overrated.
Scene 5: Jon's BathroomEdit
In Jon's Bathroom, Master Chief is seen lighting some matches while sitting on the side of the sink across from his barbie doll.
- Master Chief: bitch thinks shes so fucking samrt / what a fucking retart. / w/e, evin if she was it didnt evin matter
Chief lights another match.
- Master Chief: LOL / im a mens [drops the match in the water] mens is way hardir bettir fastir and strongir than womens so i win / i win ottamatickly cortana / 2 bad / 2 BAD CORTANA, GG
Chief lights another match and stares at it. While staring at it, she sees the Barbie doll behind the flame of the match as it slowly burns out. Chief then sits in silences and begins planning something sinister. The bathroom door opens up and Chief peers from outside of it to look around
Scene 6: Jon's Living RoomEdit
Chief walks down the hallway into Jon's Living Room. He looks up and around until he sees Cortana on the table. Chief walks up to her, waving his hand in front of her.
- Master Chief: cortana? / is u asl33ping? / ur asl33ping rite?
Cortana doesn't respond, signifying that she is asleep.
- Master Chief: >:D
Master Chief then walks underneath Jon's table and unplugs Jon's Oven. However at the same time, Chief also accidentally unplugs the Xbox 360 in the process. Chief then has a bunch of Greg's webbing wrapped around his arm.
- Master Chief: it is the tiemes 2 unl33sh the fucking fury
- Arbiter: Hey.
Chief jumps at the voice and turns to see Arbiter facing him.
- Arbiter: How are you feeling? Better? What are you doing?
- Master Chief: UM NOTHING -- I CULD AXE U THE SAEME QUEST CHIN U NO!!1one / WAT IS U DOING HUH?
- Arbiter: I asked out of concern, not hostility. Chill. Me, I'm getting myself some oatmeal.
- Master Chief: butt its late arbitur / its late tho!!1 / u shud gb2b its late.
- Arbiter: I've been tossing and turning for hours. Gonna stay up for a bit.
- Master Chief: GODDAMNIT
- Arbiter: What?
- Master Chief: NOTHING W/E
Chief then walks away as Arbiter watches him.
- Arbiter: And what are you collecting Greg's webbing for? That's kind of creepy.
- Master Chief: no u r
- Arbiter: Freak.
Sometime has passed and Arbiter is seen playing with Jon's PSP Go. Eventually he gets fed up with playing it and tosses it aside. Arbiter then notices two objects: a bottle of liquor and the Xbox 360 Controller. Remembering what Cortana asked from him earlier, Arbiter decides to play Halo instead. Howver upon turning on the controller, the system doesn't turn on, which confuses Arbiter. Arbiter then checks under the table and notices both the Xbox 360 and the Oven and unplugged and proceeds to plug them back in. Arbiter is now seen playing Halo: Reach online.
Scene 7: High NoonEdit
Arbiter is now seen in game, walking through some corridors. He briefly stops and looks around before turning and heading outside. Suddenly as he is looking around again, Arbiter is sniped in the head and killed instantly. Shortly after, Arbiter respawns and hides from besides a different corridor. However like before he is sniped in the head and killed again.
- Arbiter: Fuck!
Arbiter soon respawns and heads towards a bridge, but stops just ahead of it.
- Arbiter: Not sure if you have a mike, but you're doing an excellent job so far. Well done.
The sniper's view is seen as he is about to snipe Arbiter in the head, but stops upon being complimented. The sniper then reveals himself as Eugene Black, who appears on the other side of the bridge.
- Eugene: Wow. Is that some respect that I heard? Giving credit where it's due? On my network? Surely not, this is history in the making right here.
Arbiter walks along the bridge to approach Eugene, while Eugene does the same too.
- Eugene: Pleasure to make your acquiantence... Jon CJG.
- Arbiter: I'm on my roommate's account. You can just call me the Arbiter, if you'd like.
Eugene and the Arbiter stop approaching one another.
- Eugene: "The Arbiter" huh? Somebody's a Halo fan, I share your enthusiasm. I live and breath this fucking game. If I couldn't play it, I'd lose my shit.
- Arbiter: I wouldn't consider myself quite as avid a player as you, but I very much enjoy it.
- Eugene: What's up with the voice? Trolling? A bit of friendly advice, it's not really all that funny.
- Arbiter: I know, I know -- it's awful to listen to. I actually need it to speak, though. Not trolling.
- Eugene: You know, you strike me as very familiar for some reason.
- Arbiter: I reckon my voice would be recognizable to anybody familiar with Windows pre-Vista.
- Eugene: Oh god, the "V" word. Please Arbiter, that's a very offensive term. Keep that locker room language where it belongs, you're online man, show some sensativity. That word has the power to snap people straight back to a very dark period in history, when computing was less-than optimal.
- Arbiter: My apologies.
- Eugene: And no, I know the voice you're using and where it's from but, it's something else that I'm remembering... *chuckles* Oh my god, that's it! Chaos Theosis! That retarded clan of hackers that went belly-up! That was you right?
- Arbiter: Oh...
- Eugene: Yeah, you and that other guy! And the wedding crash before that, that was you too wasn't it?
- Arbiter: Right, yeah... That was complicated, I can explain --
- Eugene: Hey no need man, that was some sick shit! I laughed my ass off when I read about that. The article said that those responsible spoke with the Sam and Mike speech engines, and I remember seeing your avatar in a couple of gameplay clips. Something something Information Magazine was the site? I can't recall it exactly.
- Arbiter: Ah, right. The platform of beloved gaming prophet Mister Butterballs. In regard to the wedding... It's not quite something I'm proud of, to be honest.
- Eugene: Yeah I know the feeling. No matter how hard you knock down a house of cards as large and fragile as that, you always feel like you could've milked a couple more laughs out of it somehow.
- Arbiter: That's not exactly what I meant.
- Eugene: Whatever, at least you had the ball to go through with it in the first place. That's the problem with this generation, barely anybody's gotten any fucking balls anymore. Everybody's just fondling with themselves nowadays while they prod at their tablets with their fat fingers.
- Arbiter: Interesting perspective. There's some truth in that, for certain.
- Eugene: Some? It's all truth, man.
- Arbiter: So what brings you online so late at night?
- Eugene: Sleep is for the weak. What brings you?
- Arbiter: Personally, I love my sleep.
Arbiter turns off to the side to contemplate.
- Arbiter: But lately, the only way I've been able to achieve any is to abuse my roommate's liquor stash and knock myself out cold.
Arbiter turns to face Eugene again.
- Arbiter: It's getting a bit ridiculous now.
- Eugene: I dunno, sounds pretty fucking tight to me.
- Arbiter: I like a drink, but it's becoming a real vice for me.
- Eugene: And what sparked this?
- Arbiter: I'm just fed up, I guess.
- Eugene: Aren't we all?
- Arbiter: I'm sick of my life, and my particular circumstances don't allow me to get up and fix it. You ever feel like you're stuck in limbo?
- Eugene: I think the more appropriate question would be if I ever didn't feel that way, which would be a fucking godsend.
- Arbiter: I used to be able to tolerate it -- put it out of my mind. But with the recent knowledge that I'm deteriorating, it's all I can think about these days.
- Eugene: You sick?
- Arbiter: Sort of.
- Eugene: Oh, that's why you need the voice to talk, right?
- Arbiter: Uh... Yeah.
Eugene turns off to the side to contemplate.
- Eugene: My older sister was uh, diagnosed with Leukemia 4 years ago. I found out just the other day that her condition's taken a turn for the worse. She's in the hospital now, and I doubt she'll be coming back out.
- Arbiter: Shit, dude... I'm sorry.
- Eugene: She's been the only consistantly good element in my life... Shit's not fair, man. But I guess we're all terminal right?
Eugene turns to face Arbiter again.
- Eugene: You know what? I think I'm all gamed out for now, but let me send you a friend request. We should play again sometime.
- Arbiter: Really? You'd want to play with me? Most people can't tolerate my voice.
- Eugene: Well I won't bullshit you, it's a little bit annoying, but hardly that big of a deal. You're cool man. If you'd rather not that's fine--
- Arbiter: No, no -- I'm down with that, sounds great. I'm just surprised, that's all.
- Eugene: Looks like we're both full of surprises...
Arbiter and Eugene staredown at one another as the episode cuts to black.