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← "The Mail Room" "The Mail Room II" "The Spider" →

Scene 1: Trailer Edit

["Reaching for the Cookie Jar" plays in the background]

NARRATOR [with text onscreen]: COMING THIS CHRISTMAS / GET READY TO JOIN YOUR FAVOURITE PALS [cut to Arbiter and Chief] The smart alec Arbiter...

CHIEF: EVRY1 NOES WAT LOL STADNS FOAR

ARBITER: What's it stand for then?

CHIEF: LOL OUT LAOUD

[beat]

ARBITER: I think you'll find it's "laugh out loud".

CHIEF: ARBITUR UR SUCH A SMRAT ALEC

NARRATOR: And the cheeky, but lovable Master Chief.

CHIEF: HAY ARBITUR / YOURE A C██T

ARBITER: Oh Chief. You're so cheeky.

CHIEF: LOL OTU LAOUD

NARRATOR [text onscreen]: ON AN ALL-NEW BIG SCREEN ADVENTURE

CHIEF: arbitur. [comes to him and rubs a little white rubber penis on him] ROFL

NARRATOR [text onscreen]: IN 3D[!]

"The dick comes right at you! A feat in cinema."
- Rich popular guy you should listen to
"It's eye-popping fun!"
- Josh Butterballs, SOI Magazine
"It's the greatest film ever made."
- Jon Graham, writer/director

[music halts; cut to Arbiter standing on kitchen floor]

ARBITER: Fuck 3D.

Scene 2: Fan mail Edit

[title card; background music is an electronic version of "Reaching for the Cookie Jar"]

ARBITER: Hey hey hey. It's time for another segment of The Mail Room.

CHIEF: ARE U GAIZ FUCKING RDY

ARBITER: I love the fact that we air on a Saturday. Don't you, Chief? Like a Saturday morning cartoon. The stuff we'd wake up to with PJs and cereal-

CHIEF: GET ON WITH IT FAGGET

ARBITER: Our first question is from Wallis. "This is targeted at Arbiter. You lecture Chief so much about love, yet you've never loved? Have you even been truly in love?"

CHIEF: anser teh questien arbitur. / LOL

ARBITER: Most of my lectures to Chief are [just] founded just [sic] on common sense, really. I guess neither of us know that much about love. We're losers.

CHIEF: FCUK YUO / IVE S33N EVRY KEYS 2 TEH VIP / AXE MEH N E THIGN / IM TEH LR0D OF LOEV

ARBITER: Our next question is from-

CHIEF: U STIL HASNT ANSERD THE 1ST OEN QU33F

ARBITER: Sigh... I've been in love. Mostly with games, though. There were [a] few people online. But it never worked out. I guess I'm destined to be alone.

CHIEF: LOLOLOL / ok next.

ARBITER: This is from Collin. "I have a question for Chief." "How come you have been playing Halo for years but your skill stays the same,?" "you lose all your matches," "your Forge maps suck, and you overall suck at Halo?"

CHIEF: next

ARBITER: Certainly not. I'd like to hear the answer to this as well-

CHIEF: SHUT UP IM AWESIM AT HALO ADN AT LEAST I PLAY BIG BOY GAEMS ADN NOT TAHT PUSSY ASS WII SHIT FUKCIGN GAYSTATION / Y DONT U PLAY WII ARBITUR / TEHN MAYBE IL TAEK U OUT 4 AN ICE CREAM AFTER / WOULD U LIEK THAT ARBITUR

ARBITER: I think the truth's fairly self-evident, Collin. We can walk away satisfied.

CHIEF: u guys r retardid

ARBITER: This e-mail is from Ivan. "My question is for the Arbiter." "Do you think that older 3D games like Halo: Combat Evolved and Call of Duty 1 will be called classics fifteen or twenty years from now like we call the original Castlevania or Super Mario Brothers classic?" Excellent question, Ivan. I think people will have a special attachment to anything that positively stimulated them as a child. It's hard to imagine Modern Warfare 2 sparking nostalgia in anybody but I think in a few generations it could happen.

CHIEF: HALO IS AN TRUE CLASSIC.

ARBITER: See what I mean? Not that Halo was bad but Chief and I have radically different perspectives on what defines a true classic. Nothing will beat the old Zeldas for me. Our next question is from Eric. "If you were fighting a horde of zombies and only had one weapon, but unlimited ammo for the weapon," "which weapon would you choose and why?" RE5's Lightening Hawk. I'm not a gun nut but given the circumstances, i'd be firing that thing constantly.

CHIEF: MY DICK / BECUAES ITS TEH DIEDLIAST WEPIN NOEN 2 MANS

ARBITER: This question is from Adrijan. "This one is for both of you." "If you can be anyone for one day," "who would you be and why?" I think i'd be-

CHIEF: ID BE A GIRL PRON STAR AND SQUEEZE MAI BIG SEXY BOOBIES ALL DAY

ARBITER: I'd be-

CHIEF: BUTT ONLEH IF I WUZ STIL MASTAR CH33F INSIED ADN I CULD REMIMBAR TEH WHOEL THIGN

ARBITER: I'd be-

CHIEF: IF YOU PICK A GUY UR A LYING FUCK

ARBITER: ... Same as Chief.

CHIEF: ty / u may proseeed

ARBITER: This one's from James. "This question is for both of you." "Where do you see yourselves in ten years?" Here. Doing the same shit. Unless we're all actually minced in 2012.

CHIEF: THAT MOVIE WAS DOPE

ARBITER: That movie was derp.

CHIEF: I THIKN IN 10 YEERS WE WIL B IN SPAES / THEN I WIL KILL ALL TEH AELINS

ARBITER: ... And people wonder why they aren't showing their faces nowadays. This question is from Haden. "For Chief." "What would be your next favourite game next to Halo?"

CHIEF: wat halo dumass

ARBITER: Let's assume Reach.

CHIEF: OSTD.

ARBITER: ... So what are the rest?

CHIEF: HALO 3 ADN HALO 2 ADN HALO 1 ADN HALO WARS / HALO WARS LAST CUZ RTS IS RETRADED ADN FOR FAT NECKBEARDS

ARBITER: Take that or leave it. Moving swifty along... Our next e-mail is from Kayleigh. "Is either Arby or the Chief gay?" "ROFL."

CHIEF: A GRILL?? SWEEET / ASL BABBY?

ARBITER: Settle down, Chief. Neither of us are gay. Not that there's anything wro-

CHIEF: "NTO TAHT THRES N E THNGI WROGN WTHI TAHT" look @ me / im arbitur / im so pc / coem hang out and lets all kick bak with a soda adn play sum mario kart whiel we laff at teh nerdy slogans on our shirts adn jack each othar off

ARBITER: This question is from Sam. "Chief. You have been sucking at Halo for years and all you do is play it. How do you still suck so much ass hair?"

CHIEF: fuck u sam ur an idiet / u dont no shit abot mai skillz / I CAN KICK UR ASS / U WANNA 1V1 ME? / U WANNA 1V1 ME? / U WANNA 1V1 ME?

ARBITER: Touched another nerve there. Nice one, Sam. Thanks for watching the show.

CHIEF: TYPE THAT TO MAI FACE NEXT TIEM AND C WAT HAPPENS

ARBITER: And finally, this one is from another James. "If you guys did a rap battle, who do you think would win? P.S. You should definitely do one."

[Arbiter turns to Chief; music fades out]

Scene 3: Rap battle Edit

[beat loop is playing in the background; Arbiter is holding a microphone]

ARBITER:

Woe is Chief,
his mind is closed,
can't see farther than his nose,
he's got no time for hoes,
the leech just plays Reach,
someone ought to teach him with a little speech that there's more out there than Halo but no.
He won't have it.
Just goes to show how low his IQ goes,
it makes my head explode-

CHIEF: THAT SUCKED COCK / GIMME TAHT [grabs the mic and waits a few beats]

CHIEF:

HALOS AS AWESIM AS A AWESIM POSSUM ADN IF U PLAY OTHAR GAEM UR FUCKIGN LAME
DONT LET ME CATCH U OR ILL THROW A FIT ADN HIT UR CLIT WITH UR WII FIT BOARD TIL U RAGE QUIT
DONT SPEND A PENNY OR ANY OF UR ZENNY ON ANYOEN BUT HALO OR TEN GRAND SLAN @ DENNYS
THIS AINT SONIC, WIMP
THER AINT ANY RINGS
THIS IS HALO AND HE DONT AFRAED OF N E THING

CHIEF: [drops the mic] ill go get u sum ice. [leaves]

[beat loop fades out; their email address shows: arbiterandchief@gmail.com]

ARBITER: That trailer was fake, by the way. [short beat] You must be so disappointed.

[credits]

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