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This is the transcript to the Season 4 episode, The Spider.

Scene 1: The Living RoomEdit

The Arbiter is seen playing "Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask." Master Chief is watching while holding onto a bowl. While playing, Arbiter shows signs of struggling.

  • Master Chief: go / whats ur problem
  • The Arbiter: Wash that bowl if you're done with it.
  • Master Chief: lol ur scared of the spider
  • The Arbiter: Did you finish your cereal?

[Short Beat]

  • Master Chief: no

The Arbiter looks over at Chief and notices his bowl is actually empty

  • Master Chief: fuck off
  • The Arbiter: Yeah you did. Go wash your bowl.
  • Master Chief: i wil if u kill the spid3r
  • The Arbiter: You will 'cause I fucking said, how about that?
  • Master Chief: because ur my mother

In the game, Arbiter is seen stalling in taking down a hidden Skulltula

  • Master Chief: STOP BEINIG A LIMP DICK / KILL IT / its a gaem rememmber / lol remember arbitur
  • The Arbiter: I know it's a game! / But any visual representation of things with eight legs just freaks me out.
  • Master Chief: but these grafix r rly shitty / hwo cum ur scaerd of shitty grafix arbitur?
  • The Arbiter: Resident Evil had worse graphics.
  • Master Chief: yeah and tahts not scary either
  • The Arbiter: Wash your fucking bowl!
  • Master Chief: FINE
  • The Arbiter: I'm not cleaning up after you!

Chief frustratedly gets up and takes his bowl with him into the kitchen.

  • Master Chief: all u do is ordar me aroudn
  • The Arbiter: And do it properly!
  • Master Chief: shut up

Scene 2: The Kitchen/Living RoomEdit

Now in the Kitchen, Master Chief is seen carrying his bowl towards the sink. Upon reaching it, Master Chief simply throws the bowl into it, covering the sink drain. Master Chief then turns on the faucet and begins flooding the bowl until it overflows.

  • Master Chief: look / c / im washing it / arbitur / arbitur r u :) [Happy Face] ?

Chief looks over and suddenly pauses abruptly. A big Spider toy that resembles a Tarantula is seen staring at Chief.

  • Master Chief: arbitur
  • The Arbiter: I'm proud you rinsed the bowl but you're still a stretch from the Nobel prize.
  • Master Chief: arbitur thers a big ass spidar over heer.
  • The Arbiter: That only works when I'm half asleep at six AM.
  • Master Chief: no srsly.
  • The Arbiter: You can't troll me. / No matter how many times you say "seriously".

Still scared of the Spider, Chief sidesteps away to the Kitchen counter's edge. As the Spider is still staring at him, Master Chief then slowly climbs down the counter and too the floor. Now away from the Spider, Master Chief runs frantically towards the Arbiter, accidentally tripping halfway. Upon reaching Arbiter, he is jittering and jumpy to get his attention.

  • The Arbiter: You left the tap running, retard.
  • Master Chief: TEH SPIDERS RITE THAR
  • The Arbiter: Cut the bullshit and go turn it off.--

Arbiter sees the spider and jumps off the chair in fear.

  • The Arbiter: Jesus fucking Christ!
  • Master Chief: C
  • The Arbiter: AAH!
  • Master Chief: TOLD U / C
  • The Arbiter: FUCK / AAAAAAAAAHH!
  • Master Chief: :( [Sad Face] / DONT LEAVE MEH W/ IT
  • The Arbiter: Oh God!

The Spider, who is now on the floor is still watching as Arbiter and Master Chief run for the Bathroom door. Arbiter bumps into the door before getting behind it and into the bathroom.

  • Master Chief: SWAN DIVE

Master Chief dives through the thin opening to the Bathroom doorway just in time before Arbiter slams the door shut. Sealing him and Chief off from the Spider, who is outside the doorway watching what happened.

Scene 3: The BathroomEdit

Master Chief and Arbiter are sitting on the bathroom door. Chief has some indigestion tablets. He keeps eating them.

  • Master Chief: om nom nom / <3
  • Arbiter: You didn't block the sink drain, did you?

[Short Beat]

  • Master Chief: wat
  • Arbiiter: The drain in the sink! It's unblocked, right? / You didn't put your bowl right over it?

Another shot of the sink is shown, with the water rising quickly.

  • Master Chief: yeh its cool dont wory about it dude
  • Arbiter: Okay. Good. / We can just chill here 'till this thing fucks off or Jon get's back-
  • Master Chief: o wait yeh i did block it LOL

Arbiter presses his head against the door.

  • Arbiter: God dammit.
  • Master Chief: maybee teh spidar will drown
  • Arbiter: The apartment would be flooded! / Are you aware how much electronic shit Jon has? All those plugs near the kitchen? / Jesus, this place would leave a fucking crater.
  • Master Chief: hahah thats awesim

Chief continues to eat the indigestion tablets.

  • Master Chief: hay wana trai sum of thees
  • Arbiter: No!
  • Master Chief: lol i wasnt akshilly guna give u any
  • Arbiter: Stop eating those!
  • Master Chief: their yummy / :3 [Lion Face] / i call them yums

Chief finishes eating one.

  • Master Chief: yum
  • Arbiter: Everyone else calls them indigestion tablets.
  • Master Chief: yeh adn im indigestign them
  • Arbiter: Never mind that! / You gotta stop the tap out there and do something about the spider!
  • Master Chief: wtf y do i has 2 do everythign
  • Arbiter: I'm arachnophobic! / I can't go out there! We wouldn't even have to if you didn't leave the water on!
  • Master Chief: BCUZ U WER GETTIGN ANAL ADN TOLD ME 2 WASH TAHT BOWL U FUCKING RETRAD
  • Arbiter: Why the fuck didn't you turn it off after?!
  • Master Chief: BECAUZ THE SPIDAR WAS RITE THER AND IT MAED ME FUCKING :( [Sad Face]
  • Arbiter: Oh so now you're scared of spiders?
  • Master Chief: YEH REAL ONES NOT FAEK NINTENDO OENS U PUSSY BITCH
  • Arbiter: Seriously, go turn the water off.

Chief lies down.

  • Master Chief: i dont caer how many tiems u say srsly you cant order me around faggot
  • Arbiter: I'm the responsible one!
  • Master Chief: ROFL
  • Arbiter: I am! So do what I tell you!
  • Master Chief: suck my balls

Outside, the water in the sink continues to rise. The spider continues to stand outside the door, just watching.

Scene 4: The Bathroom (later)Edit

Arbiter is sitting in front of the door, not knowing what to do. Chief has picked up a shaver and is taking it to Arbiter.

  • Master Chief: hahah check it out i found jons dildo

Chief turns the shaver on.

  • Arbiter: We have to turn off the water.

Chief turns the shaver off.

  • Arbiter: If I go... will you come with me?
  • Master Chief: ur guna go?
  • Arbiter: I'll go if you go.
  • Master Chief: ok
  • Arbiter: You'll come?

Chief drops the shaver on the floor.

  • Master Chief: SURE THIGN BUDDEH / U CAN COUNT ON MEH

Outside, the bathroom door is seen opening. Arbiter walks out of the room and looks.

  • Arbiter: I don't see it anywhere...
  • Master Chief: lets do this thign / u and me man

Chief waits for a second, and then sadistically closes the bathroom door behind Arbiter while he stays inside.

  • Arbiter: You fucking asshole! Chief!! Open up! Open the fucking door you piece of shit! Open the door dude I'm scared!

Chief is sitting in front of the door inside the bathroom laughing while Arbiter bangs on the door.

  • Master Chief: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL-

Chief notices the spider in front of him, in the bathroom.

  • Master Chief: OMGWTF AH

The Spider lunges at Chief.

  • Master Chief:AAAAAAH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH

Arbiter listens from outside.

  • Master Chief: :'( [Crying Face] HALP HOLY FLYING FUCK ARBITER HELP MEH PLEASE
  • Arbiter: What is it?
  • Master Chief: ITS IN HEER ITS IN HEER / OH GOD HELP FUCKING HELL / IM SO SCARED / AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH
  • Arbiter: Hahahahahahah!
  • Master Chief: :'( [Crying Face]

Arbiter quickly runs to the kitchen.

Scene 5: The KitchenEdit

Arbiter runs to the sink. Just as the water starts to flow out of the sink, Arbiter gets to the sink and turns it off. He then goes back to the hall. Chief opens the bathroom door and starts to run.

  • Master Chief: MOTHER FUCKING DICK NUGGETS GET IT AWAY

Chief gets to where Arbiter is.

  • Master Chief: Y CANT SPIDERS JUST FUCK OFF

The Spider follows Chief and stares at the two toys.

  • Arbiter: Now you listen here! / You may keep the insect population low but you're repulsive in every way and nobody likes you! / Get lost!

The Spider stops, and then turns towards a collection of post it notes. Then it leaves. Arbiter and Chief both look at the post it note.

  • Chief: wow seriesly?
  • Spider (post it notes): just wantid 2 hang :(
  • Chief: that is retarded

Scene 6: Next DayEdit

The next day, Arbiter is carrying a lot of food to the hall.

  • Master Chief: what the hell is this u hungreh buddeh?
  • Arbiter: They're for the spider.
  • Master Chief: o wat u want that thing around nao? / ur so retarted its impossibel
  • Arbiter: It just wants to hang out.

Arbiter is standing in the hall, trying to find the spider.

  • Arbiter: Hello? ... mister spider? I come in peace.

Arbiter turns around to see the spider next to him.

  • Arbiter: AH!

He falls back.

  • Arbiter: You can't do that, dude.

The spider starts eating the food.

  • Arbiter: Almost shit myself.

Arbiter gives the spider the post it notes again.

  • Arbiter: You got a name?

The spider writes on the post it notes.

  • Spider: greg
  • Arbiter: Greg. / Greg the spider. / Fucking hell. / You like video games, Greg?
  • Greg: ya :)
  • Master Chief: arbitur? / may i talk 2 u for a momint pls?

Arbiter goes to talk to Chief around the corner.

  • Master Chief: we need to kill this mother fucker
  • Arbiter: No.
  • Master Chief: YES
  • Arbiter: No!
  • Master Chief: ILL DO IT THEN / im guna kick this spiders ass

Chief turns around to go kill Greg, but finds that Greg is right in front of him.

Scene 7: The Living RoomEdit

Chief is hanging from the kitchen counter, webbed up, while Arbiter is playing Majora's Mask while Greg watches. Arbiter manages to kill the Skulltula this time. Greg starts to shake.

  • Arbiter: Nothing personal, Greg.

Arbiter opens a chest with a silver rupee in it in the game. The credits display.

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