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TranscriptEdit

Scene 1: BoardwalkEdit

Chief runs up the stairs and attacks another player.

  • Chief:"U Cant KILL MEH/ ur going down / u gaiz r ded meet"

The player fires at Chief and he goes into Armor lock.

  • Chief:"ur fate is as loked as mai armer / ROFL"

Chief unlocks and is immediately killed.

Chief is then seen with Active Camo.

  • Chief:" u cant see meh / u cant c meh / i haz teh invisibles"

Chief goes to assassinate a player.

  • Chief:"coem 2 ur father"

The player turns out to be a hologram and Chief is killed from behind.

  • Chief:" wat teh hell?"

Chief is seen flying around the map with a jet pack.

  • Chief:"U cant reech meh / bai bai u all gon die / u no y? cuz i haz teh jets pack"

He gets shot out of the air.

Chief is seen sprinting around the map.

  • Chief:"im 2 fast lol / im 2 fast foar u / trai to keep up son"

Chief zips around skirmishing with other players until he's killed.

  • Chief:":( [sad face]"

Timothy is seen runnig at Chief. Chief activates his Hologram and it runs past Timothy.

  • Timothy:"Okay what was that?"
  • Chief:"wat?"
  • Timothy:"How was your hologram supposed to help you right there when I know your right in front of me?"
  • Chief:" 2 confused u"
  • Timothy:"Confuse me? I'll let the grammar slide, what made think that'd confuse me? Perhaps you'd find it confusing."
  • Chief:"shut ^ "
  • Timothy:"We played together a while ago didn't we? You're quite a distinct character. Remember me?"
  • Chief:"y teh hell wood i?"
  • Timothy:"Having trouble finding the right armor ability? I've seen you go through about all of them this match. Witch one's gonna give you the winning edge? Oh yeah, none of them. Because your fundamentally terrible."
  • Chief:"no u"

Timothy walks away and Chief just stands there for a moment.

Chief is killed by a rocket. Opening credits roll.

Scene 2: Jon's Apartment Edit

Arbiter is sitting on Jon's desk looking at Youtube.He presses F5.

Chief comes in.

  • Chief:"Hao many views nao?"
  • Arbiter:"A hundred or so,still nothing to write home about."
  • Chief:"thats it? y r nobody watched mai show?"
  • Arbiter:"Our show."
  • Chief:"ppls haz to c it / they haz t no see teh truths / all teh truths / evry singel 1 of them / hao does we force moar ppl 2 watch mai show?"
  • Arbiter:"We can't,Chief. We've just gotta hope for the best."
  • Chief:"[beat] arbitur can i axe u a quest chin?"
  • Arbiter:"Axe away. Just watch where you're swinging."
  • Chief:" will u t33ches meh hao 2 be g00d at halo?"
  • Arbiter:"[beat] No."
  • Chief:" fucker / y not? wat if i sed plox?"
  • Arbiter:"For one thing I don't believe it's possible. Also because you're an asshole and I don't want to waste my time on you."
  • Chief:"I'm a waist of tiem?"
  • Arbiter:"And plastic. And whatever pathetic useless synthetics your brain is made of that compresses what should be an intricate system of synapses into a pitiful one-way triangle of playing Reach, cussing and masturbation."

Chief quietly leaves the room. Arbiter presses F5 again.

Arbiter:"Damn."

Scene 3: PowerhouseEdit

Claire runs to the bridge and fires a grenade launcher, Arbiter walks up to her.

  • Arbiter:"Hi, Claire."
  • Claire:"Hey."
  • Arbiter:"So, what are you up to."
  • Claire:"Playing Reach."
  • Arbiter:"Actually, me too. Anyway I'm sorry about my behavior last night.It was inexcusable."
  • Claire:"It's okay."
  • Arbiter:"Really? We're cool?"
  • Claire:"Yeah, but I'm still playing with my clan at the moment. I'll talk to you later."
  • Arbiter:"Okay."

Claire leaves.

Cut back to the apartment. Chief is seen drawing a penis to pass the time.

  • Chief:"n33ds moar pubes / lol"

Arbiter walks up.

  • Arbiter:"Man, what is it with you and dicks? You've got that superbad thing."
  • Chief:"go away arbitur / u maek meh sad"
  • Arbiter:"Thats quite a bush he's got there."
  • Chief:" i no lol"
  • Arbiter:"So what's your point of reference? Have you seen a lot of dick in your day?"
  • Chief:"wat?! no! i dont no lol"
  • Arbiter:"I'll teach you to be good at halo if you want,Chief."

Chief:"rly?"

Scene 4: Forge worldEdit

Arbiter and Chief are seen in the quarry with three traffic cones on boxes for targets. Arbiter walks toward Chief who is standing back with a Sniper Rifle.

  • Arbiter:"There is no one weapon or armor ability that will pull you through every game if you can't even aim properly. They're there to tweak you performance from a base skill you don't have.We need to develop that. Farther back.
  • Chief:"this iz so g@y"

​Chief walks back a distance.

  • Arbiter:"What sensitivity do you play on?"
  • Chief:"ten liek teh proz"
  • Arbiter:"For crying out loud. Well there's your first problem. Set it to three for now and let's see how it goes."
  • Chief:" butt ten r teh highest numbar so it is best numbar"

Arbiter walks to Chief's side.

  • Arbiter:"Just do me a favor and set it to three, default."
  • Chief:"fien / wat sensibility does u use?"
  • Arbiter:"Four."
  • Chief:"LOL / u just pleh 1 moar that 3 2 be c00l"
  • Arbiter:"No, it's because I'm slightly more comfortable with it. The difference is noticeable."
  • Chief:" bullshit"
  • Arbiter:"Just don't worry about me and focus on the lesson. Try to no-scope the target on the far-left."
  • Chief:"y cant i used  scope?"
  • Arbiter:" A chimp could hit these with a scope."

Chief fires at the target and misses.

  • Arbiter:" Try again."
  • Chief:"ya / no shit / shut up"

Chief misses three more times.

  • Chief:" dammit / wut is i doign wrong?"
  • Arbiter:"Well, knowing left from right would be a good start."

Chief misses several more times.

Arbiter an Chief are shown in the chair.

  • Arbiter:"Ease up on the stick, you're too jerky with it."
  • Chief:"ur m0m is 2 jerky w/ mai stick / lol"
  • Arbiter:" oh ho ho. This guy, this guy right here."
  • Chief:" lol / im so ch33ky"
  • Arbiter:"Cheeky Chief, thats you."

Chief continues to miss the target.

Chief and Arbiter are then seen on the island.

  • Arbiter:"If spamming or camping weren't at least occasionally effective it wouldn't be used so frequently. But those tactics will only take you so far, not far enough if it's all you do. Stay there. And other players will respect you for facing them head on with an ounce of skill."
  • Chief:" hoo gives a fuck about that?"
  • Arbiter:"Still, those tactics will only take you so far.I believe the key is to be able to zero in on players heads. Stay there. I'm gonna run around over there, you try to shoot me in the head."

Arbiter walks a distance away.

  • Chief:" if only this wer reelty "
  • Arbiter:"Ha ha. And it's reality, realty means real estate."
  • Chief:"mebbeh i wuz talking bout reel estates"
  • Arbiter:"Oh really? You own any property?"
  • Chief:"Just ur mothars ass"
  • Arbiter:"Neither of us have moms, Chief. Your jokes hold no weight if their targets are non existent. Let's do this. You ready?"
  • Chief:" butt we alredy did targat praktis /  this shit is getting boring"
  • Arbiter:"I hate to break it to you,Chief, but the online wildlife aren't going to just line up like bowling pins for you to conveniently pick off one by one. They're going to be running, crouching, jumping , crouch-jumping. Just like real life, if you want to rake in the kills you're gonna have put some work into it."
  • Chief:" dammit"
  • Arbiter:"Life's so unfair isn't it? Ready now?"
  • Chief:" i haz 2 no scoep u frum h33r? im not jeesus"
  • Arbiter:"No, you can use the scope this time."
  • Chief:" k go"

Chief starts sniping at Arbiter as he runs around.

  • Chief:"SLOW DOWN"
  • Arbiter:"No."

Chief snipes over and over for several minutes.

  • Chief:" WUT TEH FUCK MAN?"
  • Arbiter:"That's fourteen minutes now.

Chief misses.

  • Arbiter:"What the hell, man? Are you missing on purpose to troll me?"
  • Chief:"this iz pointless"

Chief scores a lucky headshot  on Arbiter.

Arbiter respawns and walks up to him.

  • Arbiter:"Well done, took awhile but it's a start."
  • Chief:":) [smiley face] / can we does sum moar? i think i can do way moar bettar"
  • Arbiter:"Sure."

Chief is seen sniping again.

  • Chief:" hay arbitur i no y its called teh xbox 360"
  • Arbiter:"Why is that, Chief?"
  • Chief:" cuz u turn 360 degrees arownd and hed rite 2 it cuz its ossim"
  • Arbiter:"Why would you bother turning then?"
  • Chief:" cuz its teh xbox 360 / 360 / get it? get it arbitur? 360"
  • Arbiter:"Yes, I get it Chief"

Scene 5: CountdownEdit

Tow players are seen heading down a hallway. Arbiter comes up behind them and kills them both with his magnum. He hears something, snaps around and aims. Claire is standing there.

  • Arbiter:"Yo."
  • Claire:"Hi, so I was on my computer this morning. Doing a little ritual web browsing, when I saw this strange video called Hypernews."
  • Arbiter:"Really?"
  • Claire:"Yeah, you actually made that ?"
  • Arbiter:"Well it was a collabrative effort. Did you like it?"
  • Claire:"Yeah, It was great."
  • Arbiter:"How did you find it?"
  • Claire:" It was pretty easy, it's featured."
  • Arbiter:"Featured? Really? Did you happen to notice how many views it had?"
  • Claire:"Well, It was stuck at three fifty for a while. But then then it just jumped to like seventy, eighty thousand."
  • Arbiter:"Holy shit, for real? This is bitchin! I've gotta see this. Talk to you later!"

​Arbiter starts leaving.

  • Claire:"Bye!"

Arbiter and Chief are seen on the desk looking at youtube. The Hypernews views are up to 138,389.

  • Chief:" they <3 meh / they <3 meh arbitur / im 2 sexay / im a sexy beest / i shud b loked up / 4 gud"
  • Arbiter:" Something we can agree on."
  • Chief:" wut r teh ppls saying?"
  • Arbiter:"Half the comments are from thumbs up whores, the others a flamewars. Some go on for pages. It looks like some people actually took your review seriously."
  • Chief:" y woodn't they / ppls haz 2 open ther minds / i can only show them teh way"
  • Greg: u guys rock :)
  • Arbiter:"Your camera work helped allot, Greg. We all did good."
  • Chief:"hypernews is best / wer teh best "
  • Arbiter:"I guess we should make another one of these."

Credits roll. The end.


  • Arbiter:"A chimp could hit these with the scope."

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