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TranscriptEdit

Scene 1: Chief's NightmareEdit

[Chief is seen late at night playing Halo:Reach.]

  • Chief:"imma flie str8 2 ur house, hang u ^[up] sied downs, and dbl slash ur fuckign throats, and drown ur familys in ur blood before i gargle and drank it / u think im buffering bitch? gived meh ur adress and we'll c wut fucking happens"
  • XBL Player:"[ sarcastically] You're right. I was totally out of line. You saw the Spartan Laser first and I shouldn't have taken it."

[Chiefs controller is heard disconnecting.]

  • Chief:"wat?"

[Chief franticly presses the "A" button.He plugs in the controller.]

  • Chief:"wth man? this is absol00t horseshit / th33se b@t3ri3s r liek p h phucking fresh / stuped piece of shit controller"

[Chief looks up and sees a sudden apparition of Cortanas face on the screen staring back at him.]

Scene 2: Jon's apartmentEdit

[Chief jerks up awake from his dream, terrified.]

  • CHIEF:"ah! omgwtfbbq :((((((((((((((((( [ super sad face] !"

[Chief sees Arbiter sitting in the window, smoking.]

  • Arbiter:"I wonder what you've imagined in your unspeakable night terrors that has you shitting the bed this time. Banned from Redtube? Faulty Ethernet cables? No Halo seventeen announcement?"
  • Chief:"if tahts a cigarettes ur smoaking hao cum ur still aliev? y hasnt i fucking killed u alredy?"
  • Arbiter:"That's a good question - that I already know the answer to. An much better one would be why haven't I snuffed YOU yet, don't you think?"

[Chief climbs into the window.]

  • Chief:"becuz ur a fucking pu$$y and id b33t u harder than i b33t mai dick / as a matress of fax im abot 2 does taht rite this secinds if u doesnt gave meh teh rest of taht smoak / y r u smoking all of a suddenly n e ways hippopotacrite? thot smoking was fuckign retarted"
  • Arbiter:"...Fuck it."
  • Chief:"[beat] ur just smoaking cuz u thinked it maeks u look cool and shit cuz ur a pathetic fuckign loser / i actually n33ded it"

[Chief tries to wrestle the cigarette from Arbiter.]

  • Chief:"im all str3ssed out and shit"
  • Arbiter:"You think I'm not stressed, motherfucker? Really? After everything that you've done!?"
  • Chief:"ya blaem everythign on meh as usual assbutt / give meh it!"
  • Arbiter:"You've had plenty! Bugger off!"

[Arbiter shakes Chief off.]

  • Chief:"fien! fuck u i doesnt needed it / cigarettes r foar little pu$$y bitches that cant solved ther own problems / taek ur cigarette and shove it up ur dick hole assbutt / imma go pleh halos / teh real mens gaem"

[Chief leaves the window.]

  • Arbiter:"I'll play with you."
  • Chief:"bitch pls / talk 2 teh hand dued / talk to teh hand / or better yet go fuck a duck / fuck all teh ducks / hey can i told u something k? imma told u somthing arbitur / h33r it is r u lissenign k? u can nevar ever play w/ meh agen"
  • Arbiter:"Never?"
  • Chief:"nevar / u sunk our friendships / all teh ships / u and meh / wer doen / over / FINISH"
  • Arbiter:"I don't think we were manufactured in Finland, but I'd have to double check my lable."
  • Chief:"shut up"
  • Arbiter:"I've reconsidered."
  • Chief:"...wat?"
  • Arbiter:"Fragban. I'm game."
  • Chief:"... arbitur i just haz 2 axe u 1 single quest chin / r u >:I [ serious face] ?"
  • Arbiter:"Yeah. Whatever."

[Chief runs back to the window.]

  • Chief:"fuck yes man! :DDDDDDDD [ Super happy face] / i knew you'd saw teh blight and reconsidered / warning bro fist lvls @ fiddy percent"

[Chief raises his fist.]

  • Chief:"thou must compl33ted teh bro fist / pound it liek i pound ur mom / LOL"

[Arbiter pounds fists with Chief.]

  • Chief:"maximum bro fist! i just has to axe u somthing tho / y teh sudden heart transplant?"
  • Arbiter:"Like I said..."

[Arbiter puts out his cigarette in a nearby shot glass.]

  • Arbiter:"...Fuck it."

[Chief grabs the cigarette butt and desperatly tries to light it.]

  • Arbiter:"For Christs sake there's nothing left. It's dead."

[On the word "dead" Cortana is seen behind Arbiter. Chief lowers the cigarette and trembles.]

Scene 3: ZealotEdit

Eugene and Colin are seen on top of the map in space.

  • Colin:"I fucking told you. I've been saying this since the beginning! I should of never let you convince me to involve him. The guy's a mess. Goddamnit what the hell was I thinking?
  • Eugene:"You're right, he's a mess. We all are, and he also happens to been my best friend since we were kids. Tyler has issues but a lack of loyalty isn't one of them. I told him not to go renegade and he won't."
  • Colin:"[beat] The line is drawn at Tyler. Understand? I don't care if there are any other buddies of yours who want in or have smarts and loyalty drippin' out of their asses. Nobody else will be included in our operation. Otherwise we're gonna have a serious fuckin' problem."

Chief comes up the gravity lift spraying bullets.

  • Chief:":DDDDDDDD / eugene? wer u @ mai homie? hoem boy? home sliece?"
  • Arbiter:"Chief shut up!"

Chief lands in front of them.

  • Chief:"dued guessed wut arbitur sez"

Arbiter walks up.

  • Chief:"he sed he changed his mind abot using teh fragbans / can we has it plax?"
  • Arbiter:"I apologize for Chiefs exceding enthusiasim. But it's true that , since our previous discussion, I've reconsidered my position regarding the use of your software patch."

Colin looks at Eugene angrily.

  • Eugene:"[clears throat] Colin, I'd like you to meet some new friends of mine. The player with the Elite character model refers to himself as " The Arbiter". And the spartan ,as you can imagine, "Master Chief"."
  • Chief:"o / y hi ther"
  • Arbiter:"Pleasure to make your aquaintance, Colin."
  • Chief:"fragbans motharfuckerz / can we haz it ?"

Colin walks up and aims his magnum at Chiefs face.

  • Eugene:"Colin, wait!"
  • Arbiter:"Whoa, nellie!"
  • Chief:":( [ sad face] / uh o spaggeti ohs!"
  • Arbiter:"I assume he has the software running on his system?"
  • Colin:"No shit. This better be one of your hilariously elaborate attempts at trolling, Eugene. Because I couldn't possibly be farther from amused right now.
  • Eugene:"Put your gun down, man."
  • Colin:"Who the hell are these clowns? Why are they using speech engines at all? Let alone ones that haven't been compatible with windows since vista. Why would you befriend them? and far more importantly, how in the flying fuck did they become informed about my patch!? Did you tell them? Why did you give them our real names? Geez, I can't believe this!"
  • Eugene:"Just relax, dude. They're cool."
  • Colin:"Based on what ,"dude"? Based on first impressions I'm having a difficult time reaching the same opinion. So either you help me out with that real fast or I bury both of these pricks."
  • Chief:"no / :(((((((((((((( / no no no no no / plz dont banned meh colin / plzzzzzzzz"
  • Colin:"Shut the fuck up!"
  • Arbiter:"If I may interject, Colin, let me assure you that you have absolutely nothing to worry about-"
  • Colin:"I'm going to assume you're using those synthesizers to annoy people. In which case congratulations, because they're pissing me off. Either of you speaking at this moment only serves drastically reducing your chances of leaving this server without having your consoles bricked. So how about you do everybody including yourselves a favor and keep your glory holes shut."
  • Chief:"k / shutting teh fuck up commencing nao / k? k / starting nao i wont say anything alrite? i promise on arbiturs moms sw33t a$$ taht i wont say 1 single things / rite nao, k? alrite im shutting up nao,k? ok?-"
  • Arbiter:"Chief!"
  • Chief:"fien i wont talk n e moar / k? / im srs / srs /[ beat] >:I"
  • Eugene:"You likely wouldn't have found the initial version of fragban if it weren't for these two.They brought it to the medias attention. You remember that retarded video game wedding? that fruity Chaos Theosis clan?"
  • Colin:"Yes."
  • Eugene:"These guys took both of them down."
  • Chief:"yes / ur goddamn rite"
  • Colin:"So with our clan's primary objectives including the maitinence of a low profile as possible, you saw fit to recuit two distinct players infamous following the use of the same patch that we're trying to keep completely under wraps? Has Tyler perhaps shared with you some of his whacky tabacky?"
  • Chief:"wats taht? can i has?"
  • Colin:"Were you either going to tell me?"
  • Eugene:"Yes, look, I've been playing with these guys for a little while now. Arbiter and I think alike. He has nothing to gain from ratting us out and Master Chief is so jazzed about using the hacks I doubt he'll feel the need to put a stop to it all of a sudden."
  • Chief:"NO WAI"
  • Eugene:"He's isn't as stupid as he sounds, no one is. He's clearly aware of the fact but he refuses to break character. I consider him a shining example of a troll. The kind that our clan desperatly needs right now."
  • Chief:">:D [ misciefvious face]"
  • Colin:"And what makes you believe that either of these two won't feel the need to fingure us in the event that one amongst us is caught?"
  • Chief:"hey / thers only 1 persin in teh world taht i feel the n33d to fingure and tahts arbiturs mom, k?"
  • Eugene:"That's not gonna happen, is it? The bans we've administered so far have caused a stir on a few forums but no one has a clue how or by whom they administered or why. We're safe."

There's a long pause. Colin shoots Chief until his shields are down.

  • Arbiter:"What!?"
  • Chief:"OH NOES!"
  • Eugene:"Hey! You owe me!"

Chief shields recharge an Colin lowers his gun.

  • Arbiter:"I meant what I said to you."
  • Colin:"Nobody else. Don't test me."

Colin starts walking away.

  • Eugene:"Thanks."
  • Colin:"Fuck you."

Arbiter watches Colin leave.

  • Eugene:"He'll adjust. I don't want to imply that you're indecisive, but this is your last chance to turn back."
  • Arbiter:"I have nothing to turn back to."
  • Chief:"[beat] lol"

Credits roll. The end.

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